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Deperatly needing MOH help!

A close friend of mine is the maid of honor but the problem is that she basically appointed herself. We have been friends for a long time and when I told her I was engaged she was so excited that she would be the MOH....problem is that I never actually asked, she just assumed.  Plus she is extremely tight on money and would not be able to host some of the traditional bridal events. I am fine without having those types of events but it seems like she still wants to host them but just wants me to pay for them.  I am debating on "revoking" the MOH status. Any suggestions for what I can do?  Please help!!

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Re: Deperatly needing MOH help!

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    [QUOTE]A close friend of mine is the maid of honor but the problem is that she basically appointed herself. We have been friends for a long time and when I told her I was engaged she was so excited that she would be the MOH....problem is that I never actually asked, she just assumed.  Plus she is extremely tight on money and would not be able to host some of the traditional bridal events. I am fine without having those types of events but it seems like she still wants to host them but just wants me to pay for them.  I am debating on "revoking" the MOH status. Any suggestions for what I can do?  Please help!!
    Posted by senoritarita3[/QUOTE]
    You can't demote a WP member, but if you ahve not led her to believe she is MOH in any way then she is not MOH.  If and when she asks you to pay for those events, just tell her it's not your place to  lend any aid in planning them, nor are they required events.
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    Oh boy...I can tell from your post you haven't spent much time lurking on this board!

    1. How long has this been going on that you let her believe she was MOH? From the moment she said something to alert you that she was thinking she was but you hadn't actually asked her...that was the time to nip it in the bud rather than let it drag out. 

    2. Would you have asked this close friend, as you describe her,  to be your MOH if it weren't for her money situation? Because here's the thing - (a) you are not automatically owed any pre-wedding parties such as showers or bachelorettes. Those are gifts to the bride and not every bride gets one. (b) They can also be hosted by anyone - EXCEPT THE BRIDE - so if MOH or the BMs can't or aren't interested in doing it someone else such as a family friend or an aunt, for example, can decide to host one for you. The key word is decide - again, it's someone's choice to host one of these in honor of the bride.

    3. Which leads me to my next point. Since you do not host your own party, she is absolutely out of line asking you to pay for it. You would decline in that case, let her know that etiquette dictates you do not pay for a party for yourself and accept the fact that unless someone else offers to host one for you...you will be getting one.
    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
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    Well, did you actually ask her? Or have you ever referred to her as the MOH or done anything to make her think that she is the MOH? Because if so, then you can't kick her out without ruining your friendship. But if it's just been "oooh, I call MOH!" and you changed the subject, then technically she isn't your MOH.

    The money problem is irrelevant (although no, you shouldn't pay for your own shower), the only thing that matters is whether or not she is your best friend.
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    You should've spoken up from the beginning if you didn't want her as Maid of Honor. It's not so much her fault for "appointing" herself as it is yours for letting her get away with it.

    If she says that she wants you to pay for a shower or bachelorette in your honor, just say, "It's not at all appropriate for the bride to have a hand in planning these parties. I'm flattered that you have offered to throw them, but please don't put yourself out by spending money that you don't have. They're not required parties for me, so please skip throwing them if you are uncomfortable with paying for them." Then leave it alone. If other bridesmaids want to help throw it, they will chip in. If not, maybe you won't get them.

    I don't get what "revoking the MOH status" would do, other than to make you look to others like a pretentious person who takes her wedding, and her friends' roles in said wedding, entirely too seriously. Please do yourself and your reputation a favor and do not do this. It's too late to tell her that she's not MOH, since you've let her run with it this long, so just let it go. If she gets her dress and stands in your wedding, then she's fulfilled her MOH duties.

    There's no way to demote a MOH to bridesmaid, or kick someone out of your wedding (without just cause - and the reasons would have to be REALLY serious to justify kicking her out), without damaging/losing your friendship with them. Plus it will make others outside the situation think you are a Bridezilla. MOH is not a title that needs to be earned by the best helper. It's an honor that you should give to your dearest friend, regardless of what she can do for you and your wedding.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_deperatly-needing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:28bfd262-a76a-4def-bf5d-33ccdec78c99Post:715eecdb-7517-443c-93b3-a6e58c3ee08b">Re: Deperatly needing MOH help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, did you actually ask her? Or have you ever referred to her as the MOH or done anything to make her think that she is the MOH? Because if so, then you can't kick her out without ruining your friendship. But if it's just been "oooh, I call MOH!" and you changed the subject, then technically she isn't your MOH. The money problem is irrelevant (although no, you shouldn't pay for your own shower), the only thing that matters is whether or not she is your best friend.
    Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

    Ditto this. I'm super confused by OP. In the same post you say you didn't ask her to be your MOH (which means she isn't) but then you refer to her as you MOH.

    I would be curious to know a little bit more about this situation.
    image
    It's a girl!
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    Thank You Emilyinchile
    I hadn't even thought of doing Co-MOH's.  It has been a while since she started calling herself the maid of honor but any time she says it I make a point to tell her that we haven't made plans for anything yet.  We aren't looking to get married for at least another year and a half.  It obviously means a lot to her though so I think I will look at doing co-MOH's.  Thank you!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_deperatly-needing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:28bfd262-a76a-4def-bf5d-33ccdec78c99Post:c3bb9f45-f7df-4124-9b4b-d9cd21946edb">Re: Deperatly needing MOH help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Deperatly needing MOH help! : Throw in a statement like "Man all these crazies on the knot's community boards just appoint themselves into the WP without being asked. Don't people know that the bride and groom are supposed to officially ask you to be in the wedding"
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

    <div>I like it!</div>
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    I think you need to say, "Honey I love you but we haven't chosen the WP yet."

    Be firm with her.   You'll need to tell her asap though.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_deperatly-needing-moh?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:28bfd262-a76a-4def-bf5d-33ccdec78c99Post:c3bb9f45-f7df-4124-9b4b-d9cd21946edb">Re: Deperatly needing MOH help!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Deperatly needing MOH help! : Throw in a statement like "Man all these crazies on the knot's community boards just appoint themselves into the WP without being asked. Don't people know that the bride and groom are supposed to officially ask you to be in the wedding"
    Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]
    I love this.  Haha, I'm not going to lie, I point out this stuff all the time in RL when people are like "why haven't you asked your WP yet?"
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
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     Being a Bride to Be is hard. Whoever said Planning a Wedding is Fun lied unless u hire a consultant.

    I learned the hard way on here about posting. People on here can be really rude and hurtful. They dont see it your way they see it as you being a zilla and usually its not that at all.

    Yes Co MOH's is great. Maybe if you do co moh you dont need to demote her and still save your friendship. This is suppose to be a happy time in your life and no bride needs the extra drama.  Just remember your the bride your going to change your mind ten times about what colors you want and etc.
     
    If you dont get a chance to talk to her maybe you should just write her a letter.

    I can sorta relate I have two MOH and one is giving me the hardest time ever and Ive know her forever. Im at the point where I want to kick her out. Its really really bad. Im not even being a bridezilla Im not being its all about me and not you either.

    Ive done the majority of the planning myself and with my fiance and with a friend of mine that is also getting married and is also a BM.

    Good Luck to you

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