Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding

Robyn5298

I live in Los Angeles and am getting married on October 2nd in Massachusetts.  One of my bridesmaids who also lives in Los Angeles, told me that her best childhood friend got pregnant (accidentally) in January and is due the week of my wedding.  The pregnant friend also lives in the LA area and has no family out here, my bridesmaid is her only close friend.  

My bridesmaid (of course) wants to be with her when she delivers the baby and I totally understand that.  If the baby hasn't arrived and it's time to get on the plane to Boston, she said she  will come to Boston and return home early if she gets the call that the baby is coming, although that seems silly to me because even if she gets on a plane the second she gets the call she still won't make it back before the baby arrives.

Here's my question - do I ask her to step down as a bridesmaid and ask someone else to fill in?  I know she would graciously step down if I asked her to, but I really want her to be in the wedding.  Do I wait and see what happens and ask a cousin or friend to be ready to step in?  And if so how do I ask that person who wasn't asked to begin with to be a backup?  What I don't want is to be short one bridesmaid on the big day.  We only have 3 attendants on either side so it would be very obvious if one was missing.

How I'm handling it now is to wait and see what happens but I don't like leaving something that big to chance.  Also there is a chance that the friend may leave Los Angeles and go back to stay with her Mom so she'll have a support network when the baby comes.  The Mom lives in Maine so that's definitely closer to Boston, but still if the baby arrives the morning of my wedding it won't matter if she's in Maine or LA as my bridesmaid will be in the delivery room, wherever that may be.  

Any advice will be greatly appreciated - thank you!  

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-childhood-friend-pregnant-due-just-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a08252a-c586-4035-a67a-2ee8f860c9a0Post:9e1ab43b-aab4-4e9d-864c-1fa7e62cc89a">Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I live in Los Angeles and am getting married on October 2nd in Massachusetts.  One of my bridesmaids who also lives in Los Angeles, told me that her best childhood friend got pregnant (accidentally) in January and is due the week of my wedding.  The pregnant friend also lives in the LA area and has no family out here, my bridesmaid is her only close friend.   My bridesmaid (of course) wants to be with her when she delivers the baby and I totally understand that.  If the baby hasn't arrived and it's time to get on the plane to Boston, she said she  will come to Boston and return home early if she gets the call that the baby is coming, although that seems silly to me because even if she gets on a plane the second she gets the call she still won't make it back before the baby arrives. Here's my question - do I ask her to step down as a bridesmaid and ask someone else to fill in?  I know she would graciously step down if I asked her to, but I really want her to be in the wedding.  Do I wait and see what happens and ask a cousin or friend to be ready to step in?  And if so how do I ask that person who wasn't asked to begin with to be a backup?  What I don't want is to be short one bridesmaid on the big day.  We only have 3 attendants on either side so it would be very obvious if one was missing. How I'm handling it now is to wait and see what happens but I don't like leaving something that big to chance.  Also there is a chance that the friend may leave Los Angeles and go back to stay with her Mom so she'll have a support network when the baby comes.  The Mom lives in Maine so that's definitely closer to Boston, but still if the baby arrives the morning of my wedding it won't matter if she's in Maine or LA as my bridesmaid will be in the delivery room, wherever that may be.   Any advice will be greatly appreciated - thank you!  
Posted by Robyn5298[/QUOTE]

Oh my.  There is no need~ NO NEED~to have a second string BM ready to be put into the game, Coach. 

If your BM can't make it because her friend delivers, then you have 2 BM on the day of.  If she can make it, she's there. 

What exactly will be the downside if you have one fewer BM on the day of your wedding?  You'll be just as married with two BM as you will with three.

If she's not there, one lucky girl processes out on the arm of two handsome gentlemen.

You don't have a WP dance?  That's a plus.  You shouldn't have one even if you have even sides.  They're boring for guests and uncomfortable for WP.

Your pictures won't look "right"?  Only if you have an untalented photographer.

So what would be downside?  Answer:  Nothing.

WPs are NOT about symmetry.  They are about having those you care about most stand with you on your wedding day.

So all of the above boils down to the Cliff's Notes answer:

Don't ask her to step down.  Don't have a second-string BM ready to enter the game.  There's no reason for either scenario.

jagore08

I don't understand what the big deal is.  

No, you don't ask her to step down and you don't replace her if she can't make it to the wedding.  Doing one or both of these things will get feelings hurt.  If she decides that she won't be able to make it to your wedding then you leave her spot empty, you don't "fill it" just to have another body standing up.

Let things be and go with the flow.  Don't over think and try to micromanage every aspect of your wedding.

bablingbrooke

No.  BMs are not roles to be filled.  They are not 3 warm bodies next to you to even things out.  They are your closest friends and family.

If she shows up, great.  If not, keep her in the program and have 1 less BM than you otherwise would.  What's the worst thing that will happen if you have uneven sides?  Will you notice in a few pictures?  Yes.  Will you kick yourself for not asking a backup to even out the sides?  Absolutely not.  If my OCD husband could get over our uneven sides to the point that he didn't even notice on the day of, you'll be fine.

The second-string BM will feel awful and like she's not good enough.  The friend will feel replaceable.  None of this is worth even sides.  

Don't put form (symmetry and evenness) over substance (joining of families, marrying your FI).

Robyn5298

Thanks for the feedback - it seems the general consensus is that nobody cares about even numbers.  Unfortunately, I know myself and think that it really would bother me.  I may ask a couple of my other close friends to step up and include my brothers as either ushers or GM to make it a little less obvious if BM can't make it. 

Again thanks for the advice.  It was more blunt than I expected, (accused of micromanaging based on one question?  Ouch!) but I still appreciate your thoughts!

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-childhood-friend-pregnant-due-just-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a08252a-c586-4035-a67a-2ee8f860c9a0Post:f4485533-061a-472b-8fcf-18a08b621d34">Re: Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for the feedback - it seems the general consensus is that nobody cares about even numbers.  Unfortunately, I know myself and think that it really would bother me.  I may ask a couple of my other close friends to step up and include my brothers as either ushers or GM to make it a little less obvious if BM can't make it.  Again thanks for the advice.  It was more blunt than I expected, (accused of micromanaging based on one question?  Ouch!) but I still appreciate your thoughts!
Posted by Robyn5298[/QUOTE]

So adding more men to your party will make it LESS obvious that there are fewer women?  How does that work?  And I'm really sorry that you can't see that the numbers simply DO NOT matter. 

How does finding a replacement for your original BM made her feel, I wonder?  FWIW:  Asking a BM to step down is often a friendship ending move.  You're forcing your friend to choose either her engaged friend or her pregnant friend?  Why would you do that to someone you say you care for?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-childhood-friend-pregnant-due-just-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a08252a-c586-4035-a67a-2ee8f860c9a0Post:f4485533-061a-472b-8fcf-18a08b621d34">Re: Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]  Unfortunately, I know myself and think that it really would bother me.  
Posted by Robyn5298[/QUOTE]

<div>Your priorities are seriously out of whack here.  Don't lose sight of what's truly important, which I fear you are.</div>

Robyn5298

Perhaps I wasn't clear.  "I may ask a couple of my other close friends to step up " = close girlfriends, which would mean adding more to either side.  I know I will be disappointed if I end up with just 2 BMs.  It may seem silly to you, but it isn't to me.  It would be great if you could respect that and not try to force your opinion that sides don't matter.

Also the BM offered to step down and even suggested letting another friend wear her dress the day of before I said anything.  I'm not asking her to choose at all.  I'm only wondering what I should do in the event that her friend gives birth on the same day.  

Again I thank you for your honest advice.  Unfortunately I feel that I'm only going to be attacked for my honest feelings which is disappointing.  It's not what I expected from this site at all.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-childhood-friend-pregnant-due-just-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a08252a-c586-4035-a67a-2ee8f860c9a0Post:c12dd1a0-2ca1-480d-a518-bdf658e9991f">Re: Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I wasn't clear.  " I may ask a couple of my other close friends to step up " = close girlfriends, which would mean adding more to either side.  I know I will be disappointed if I end up with just 2 BMs.  It may seem silly to you, but it isn't to me.  It would be great if you could respect that and not try to force your opinion that sides don't matter. Also the BM offered to step down and even suggested letting another friend wear her dress the day of before I said anything.  I'm not asking her to choose at all.  I'm only wondering what I should do in the event that her friend gives birth on the same day.   Again I thank you for your honest advice.  Unfortunately I feel that I'm only going to be attacked for my honest feelings which is disappointing.  It's not what I expected from this site at all.
Posted by Robyn5298[/QUOTE]
Not even close to being attacked.  There was no name calling so it's all good.

emilyinchile

No one is attacking you. We're sharing objective opinions and advice. If you are SO sure that you care too much about even numbers not to kick her out, I'm not sure why you asked the question.

I am borderline OCD, and I thought uneven sides would bother me. When I saw how bummed my FI was about "not being allowed" to ask one more friend, I realized that friendship is more important than numbers. And on my wedding day, I wasn't about to ask someone who I'm not as close to to be up there with me. If you asked your BMs relatively recently and are regretting not asking these additional people, go for it, but don't ask them just to have another warm body or two up there.

It was gracious of your friend to offer to step down. It would be nice if you could be equally gracious and assure her that she is too important as a friend for you to ask her to do that.

Huskerfanz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-childhood-friend-pregnant-due-just-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a08252a-c586-4035-a67a-2ee8f860c9a0Post:c12dd1a0-2ca1-480d-a518-bdf658e9991f">Re: Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Perhaps I wasn't clear.  " I may ask a couple of my other close friends to step up " = close girlfriends, which would mean adding more to either side.  <strong>I know I will be disappointed if I end up with just 2 BMs</strong>.  It may seem silly to you, but it isn't to me.  It would be great if you could respect that and not try to force your opinion that sides don't matter. Also the BM offered to step down and even suggested letting another friend wear her dress the day of before I said anything.  I'm not asking her to choose at all.  I'm only wondering what I should do in the event that her friend gives birth on the same day.   Again I thank you for your honest advice.  Unfortunately I feel that I'm only going to be attacked for my honest feelings which is disappointing.  It's not what I expected from this site at all.
Posted by Robyn5298[/QUOTE]

Why will you be disappointed if you end up with two BMs?

mbcdefg

I think the "fill-in" BMs might know they are fill-ins since they're being asked later in the game (and especially if they know that the one BM might drop out to be with her pregnant friend), and I think you run a very big risk of making them upset. When people know they are replacements or are being brought in to even things out or pad the sides, it's not a good feeling.

If you truly wanted these girls in the wedding, you would have asked them from the get-go. Not because one girl might be dropping out and you think things will look bad or weird. If you've become friendlier with these girls recently and want to honor them as BMs, then that's fine ... but it seems like your main reason for adding them would be to bulk up your wedding party. Which is really not a good reason to ask them.

I have two BMs. Does that mean I'm a loser with no friends? Or that my wedding will look skimpy or my photos will be weird? I don't get why having two great friends standing up with you is such an awful thing.

I really urge you to reconsider bringing in these new BMs if it's mainly to beef up the wedding party. If your BMs find out your true intentions, then you really might damage your friendship with them. Just play it by ear with the one BM ... if she can make it to your wedding, great. If not, that stinks, but at least you're being gracious enough to realize that she's helping someone in need.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-childhood-friend-pregnant-due-just-before-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2a08252a-c586-4035-a67a-2ee8f860c9a0Post:ab223049-dbba-40bc-8042-d7d644ba84e5">Re: Bridesmaid's childhood friend pregnant - due just before wedding</a>:
[QUOTE] I am borderline OCD, and I thought uneven sides would bother me. When I saw how bummed my FI was about "not being allowed" to ask one more friend, <strong>I realized that friendship is more important than numbers</strong>. And on my wedding day, I wasn't about to ask someone who I'm not as close to to be up there with me. <em>If you asked your BMs relatively recently and are regretting not asking these additional people, go for it, but don't ask them just to have another warm body or two up there. </em>
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

<div>Emily is very wise, read, reread, <strong><em>memorize</em></strong> the bold in her quote. Please understand this sentence because if <em>you</em> are <em>really</em> her friend you will not replace her. Now if your situation is what are in italics in Emily's post then go ahead and ask the family/friends that you weren't sure at first.</div><div>
</div><div> I will tell you that not one person will know or care if the wedding party is uneven. You know why, because it takes 15-25 seconds to get down to the end and by the time they get down there everyone will already be looking to the front at <strong>you</strong>, and throughout the ceremony every guest will be looking at you and your FH. Plus I doubt that on your wedding day you will be stressing about an uneven WP, your just going to be super excited about getting married. Speaking in a guest perspective I just went to one of my friend's weddings in December and it took me sitting down checking my video, chatting with some of groomsmen to see that her wedding party was actually uneven. So just take a deep breath, your friend sounds like a great and caring person, show her how much you mean to her and don't replace her. </div>

bablingbrooke

If you honestly think that, at the moment you are saying your vows with your FI to love, honor, and cherish each other for the rest of your lives, you will be distracted or bothered by the unevenness of the WP, you frankly have no business getting married.  The fact that you think it will be an actual problem means that you care about having a wedding, not a marriage.  Mature people who are ready to make that life commitment just don't worry about stuff like this ruining the experience.  So you're fixated on the fluff.  That's really something to think about.

banana468

Robyn, I'm really sorry you feel that way.

Frankly though, I have to say that while you feel like you're only getting judgement, isn't that exactly what your last post is doing to the members of the board who responded?

mbcdefg

What were you hoping that people would tell you?

aerinpegadrak

I was worried that one of my friends would get pregnant and be due right around the wedding, because I really wanted her there with me.  She didn't end up getting pregnant, but had she, I would have still listed her as a bridesmaid in the program and sent her bouquet to her in the hospital.  FI's brother might not be able to attend the wedding for financial reasons, but we still intend to list him in the program.  He's still a groomsman, just an absent one.

I think you're being kind of oversensitive.  What were you expecting people to say, "Yes, it's more important to have a specified number of warm bodies than to honor those closest to you"?

banana468

FWIW too, I think the friend is being silly.   She'll commit to a cross country flight only if her friend hasn't given birth yet?

She sounds like she's in a pickle, but I honestly don't think this BM is handling things well either.

duckie1905

What did you want us to tell you?  Numbers just aren't important when it comes to your closest friends and family.  I think you should be grateful for the BMs you have and stop worrying about trying to bulk up your numbers.