Mom Trouble...

ashleiringo

Let me preface this help post by saying, I love my mother dearly.  She has lupus and does not do well with stress and I purposely do not overwhelm her with planning; she has a big family and we have many traditions with them; but she is also a naturally very negative person at times.

I love tradition and have chosen many things for my ceremony involving family members, traditions, family history --- all because they make me happy and my fiance as well.  And while she never admits it, my mom likes this stuff too.  But the second I bring up any extra ideas, anything different, she not only complains, but battles with me over it. 

My fiance and I met and live in AZ, but I wanted to do the wedding back home in the church I grew up in and at a local winery in NJ and both myself and my fiance love this and are excited!  It does mean every family member on his side, his friends, and our friends from AZ are all traveling.  Anytime I mention researching accomodations, looking into party buses (whether we let the guests chip in or my fiance and I pay for it as a courtesy), or any idea to assist the out of towners --- my mom complains.  She had the nerve to say if out of town people drink and drive, then its their problem and some of them should just DD (and she and her family like to have drinks and celebrate, she understands that!) --- I don't want any of them to have to miss out on the champagne and celebration atmosphere and I absolutely will not let people drink and drive!

She has also made me feel bad about first look photos --- even though my main reason is to accomodate all of our guests and limit wait times and make photos less rushed for our parents and bridal party.  There are so many examples, I could go on an on!

Any words of encouragement?  My dad (married to her still, and I'm equally close to him as my mom) feels bad and understands it is hard --- but he says, I just have to let her words and mentality roll off, not to get so hurt.  But that is so much easier said than done!  I love my mom and don't want to cut her out or not share my planning with her; and out of respect for her, I don't want to complain to or turn to my fiance's mom or any of my aunts for help --- but she is leaving me with very little choice.  I can't make my mom just be happy for me and enjoy the process, but I can't just let her opinion not matter to me either.  Help!!

frogurt814

I think you just need to stop sharing plans with your mom.

Also, I think it would be rude to ask your guests to pay for a party bus for themselves.  If you want to offer transportation, then you and FI need to rent a bus or whatever for your guests.

If you want to keep discussing plans with your mom, then continue to do that.  Your mom isn't going to magically change over night and be more accepting of your ideas.  You will just have to follow your dad's advice and let it go.

bablingbrooke

If you order the party bus, you pay for the party bus.  I declined a wedding earlier this year because I would have had to pay for just about everything (drinks, dinner, transportation on the party bus, etc.).  Half the guest list followed suit and it was a poorly-attended wedding.  Something to think about.

If Mom keeps criticizing everything, stop telling Mom what you're doing.  It's as easy as that.  It sucks that your mom isn't the kind of person you can share planning with.  You need to work with the mom you have, not the mom you wish you had, and the mom you have needs some management.  My MIL can go down this road sometimes, so we gave her a few things to be in charge of that we didn't really care about.  She did them and didn't focus on the other stuff.  Sounds like that might work here.

It would be immature to complain about your mom to her relatives or your ILs, so keep that to your FI.  You're a grown woman--it's time to learn to let Mom's criticisms roll off your back.  It will serve you well in life.

mbcdefg

Stop telling her about these details.

You don't HAVE to provide a bus for your guests to take them from the ceremony to the reception. But if you do, you need to pay for it. So either book it and pay for it yourselves, or don't book it at all and the guests can figure out how to get from point A to point B. Put out a few cards at the reception with the numbers of local taxis if you are concerned.

ashleiringo

Thanks for the advice!

I guess I wasn't clear that my mom WANTS to be involved in everything.  She and my dad are paying and she is sensitive and if I do not include her, she will be offended and she will notice.  I've talked to her nicely about how she is making me feel, but she just denies it or freaks out.  And I have pretty tough skin, but my mom's comments hit me right in the heart.  It's hard to just pretend she doesn't REALLY mean it --- that's what I do most of the time, but especially with me stressed about planning long distance and accomodating everyone's concerns and making the day stress free (I am laid back and day of, I know I will relax, but I want everyone else to feel the same way --- as little complaints as possible, especially knowing how picky some people in my life can be).

As for the talking to other women in my life --- I know I'm a grown up and don't tattle to my aunts or mother in law --- I think every woman needs a woman in their life to confide in.  This is difficult for me as my mom is out, my sister (MOH) is a bit self-focused and pregnant right now, no grandmothers --- I've got my best girls, but I guess I was just hoping I had one woman in my family to turn to.  And yes I know, I can't have everything I want and it may just not be a possibility in my life.

I guess I was looking to see if anyone else has a way of coping with tough moms who they still love dearly and don't want to just write off.

As for the party bus --- I definitely wasn't asking for advice on that.  I'm not requiring that of anyone, my friends asked me to look into it for them and they didn't want us to pay, they wanted to all chip in, but didn't know local info.  My fiance and I want to surprise them and have it --- we may get my friend's mom's jitney if it's allowed (Atlantic City thing) or pay the rental.  My point was that my mom didn't even know if we were paying or not and still complained that I was even doing research for them --- irrational complaints like that.

ashleiringo

And yes, I will try just not sharing the little details with her --- it's probably the only way to stay sane.

I just know if there are too many, she will notice and be hurt and/or feel like I left her out.  I just don't want to hurt her feelings.  Even if she's hurting mine, there's still a respect issue there.  And I don't let her walk all over me all the time as that may make it sound --- but I respect her and the fact that her and my dad are paying and don't want her to remember getting her feelings hurt associated with my wedding --- mine are already a bit hurt, might as well not sour it for both of us, I refuse to be nasty or catty with my own mother.