Maid of Honor.....HELP!!?!?!?

jennysr38

I am having an issue with my Maid of Honor. I chose her as my maid of honor because I have been friends with her the longest. We used to be best friends. But through this wedding planning process, I have discovered that she really doesn't care too much about my wedding or me for that matter.It is really hurting my feelings because I am not able to share my thoughts and ideas with her. Or share the fun moments of planning with her.  So I guess my question is do I keep her as my Maid of Honor for the sake of not wanting the drama and not having the time to deal with the issues right now. Or do I "demote" her and find someone else and explain to her why I am doing so. HELP!!!! This is very hard for me!

gottahavashorti

[QUOTE]I am having an issue with my Maid of Honor. I chose her as my maid of honor because I have been friends with her the longest. We used to be best friends. But through this wedding planning process, I have discovered that she really doesn't care too much about my wedding or me for that matter. So I guess my question is do I keep her as my Maid of Honor for the sake of not wanting the drama and not having the time to deal with the issues right now. Or do I "demote" her and find someone else and explain to her why I am doing so. HELP!!!! This is very hard for me!
Posted by jennysr38[/QUOTE]

Keep her as your MOH.  Demoting someone is a friendship ending moves, and friendships should not be ended for a wedding related reason. 

Does she not care about <em>you</em> or does she just not care about the wedding?  Try not talking about the wedding at all for awhile and see how things go.  If there are still problems, ask her if anything is going on, it could be something not related to you at all that is causing her to act differently.

jennysr38

Well that is part of the problem. I don't talk about the wedding with her hardly at all because I can tell she doesn't care. And there are other things going on that lead me to believe that she doesn't care about me or my life. I have asked her if anything else is bothering her, but she tells me no. I know its a friendship ending move, but to be honest I am almost to the point that I don't care. Her lack of interest in my wedding is just the straw that is breaking the camel's back.

lalap69

Some people just aren't into weddings at all.  It might not be personal.  As to the other things she's doing to make you think she doesn't care about you, I need more detail before I can offer any kind of comment.

If you want to end the friendship, end the friendship and she'll realize that she's not your MOH anymore as a result.  But it sounds like this is a friendship issue, not a WP issue, so please don't kick her out of the wedding - it'll just make you look bad, both to her and to everyone who knows what you did.  Do you really want to be the bitchy bridezilla who kicked out her MOH for no reason?  That's what it will look like to everyone else.

gottahavashorti

If you want to end the friendship, don't do so by removing from your WP.  End the friendship, and it will be understood that she's no longer in the wedding.

mbcdefg

Don't confuse interest in your wedding plans with interest/support of your marriage.

If this is a new behavior for her, then something is probably bothering her. If it's not a new behavior, then you need to accept her for who she's always been.

bablingbrooke

You have six months to go until your wedding.  That's a really long time for anyone else who isn't the bride or the groom.  It's a faraway thing to her.  She has much more immediate things going on in her life.

I have a friend getting married around the same time as you.  I'll listen to her go on about her colors, wine tasting, etc. but I'll be honest, I don't care about the details.  I'm doing it to be polite and since I'm recently married she figures I will be interested.  I'm so happy for her, I'm really looking forward to her wedding, I really support her marriage.  But listening to her talk about her wedding plans is boring for me.

Think if you're listening to someone else plan her birthday party.  She wants to talk about the different flavors of cake she's thinking of, what restaurant to go to for dinner, whether she should do FB or evite or email to invite people, etc.  It's a big deal to her.  But those little details are not a big deal to you.  That doesn't mean you don't want to celebrate her birthday or be her friend.  You just don't care that much about the details.

I appreciate that it's frustrating.  But do you really want to end a lifelong friendship with someone because she didn't want to listen to you discuss your plans?  If she's otherwise a stellar friend, I think it would be a mistake to kick her out.  Your MOH is your closest friend, not necessarily the person to bounce ideas off of.  Ideally they would be one in the same, but they sometimes aren't.  

jennysr38

Thank you to everyone for your input. Just to be clear, this is not a new behavior for her. The issues really do run deeper than her lack of interest in my wedding. I guess it is just getting to me more because I don't really have any one else besides my fiance to discuss these things with. All of my other bridesmaids are far away, and I don't have a great relationship with my mother. So I guess I was just hoping that she would realize these things and step up. I guess I shouldn't expect things out of people that I know deep down aren't going to deliver. And you are right about boring her with details, which I do try not to do. But now that you put it that way, I guess I loose interest when she goes on and on about her children and parenting. Thank you, you have helped ease my mind a bit!

bablingbrooke

Sometimes a wedding makes you realize things about your friends that you never saw before.  And sometimes it makes you realize you don't want to be friends with that person anymore.  

jfiecke

I chose my MOH b/c she had been my friend the longest too, but I couldn't even get her to come celebrate w/ me or see my ring.  It's fairly early on in my planning, but we haven't talk about it at all.  I have decided to demote her.  The way I see it is it's your wedding and if she's not supporting you and not making it an enjoyable time, then she doesn't deserve the honor.  I do agree that the above advice is good - you should first try and see if it's something else.  If it is, it could bring you guys closer for caring to find out.  If it's not, choose someone that will help with the stress and make it fun too.

mbcdefg

What's "demoting" her going to accomplish other than pissing her off? Sending the message of, "Sorry, you don't do enough for my wedding, so I'm bumping someone else up and demoting you" really makes someone look like a pretentious d0uche who takes her wedding entirely too seriously.

tinydancer842

if you need people to talk weddings to you have theknot! 

wcvsb3b5

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-4?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2c1d56d4-99b6-4896-a57f-33e924e69016Post:77ae210a-901b-4a7c-b6af-23b741cab655">Re: Maid of Honor.....HELP!!?!?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I chose my MOH b/c she had been my friend the longest too, but I couldn't even get her to come celebrate w/ me or see my ring.  It's fairly early on in my planning, but we haven't talk about it at all.  I have decided to demote her.  The way I see it is it's your wedding and if she's not supporting you and not making it an enjoyable time, then she doesn't deserve the honor.  I do agree that the above advice is good - you should first try and see if it's something else.  If it is, it could bring you guys closer for caring to find out.  If it's not, choose someone that will help with the stress and make it fun too.
Posted by jfiecke[/QUOTE]

Your wedding is not the highlight of everyone else's lives. People have other things going on and YOUR wedding will not be their first priority. It is messed up to demote someone because you feel that they no longer "deserve the honor." MOH and BMs have NO duties they need to fulfill in order to keep that honor. You chose these people for a reason and if you end up changing your mind then that's too bad. You are just going to have to suck it up!

moleson99

I have been going through a similar problem- so much in fact, that when I first started reading this I honestly wondered if one of my bridesmaids went out and filled this out for me!!!  My MOD had been my best friend for over 20 years (since about 3rd grade.)  Needless to say we've been through a lot.  After college though, I moved out of state about 3 hours from home.  SHe is still back in our hometown area.  There have been many other things that have come up in the past year.  SHe suddenly last march (2 months after we got engaged), decided she and her boyfriend were going to get married.  SHe didn't have the ring till about August and it wasn't truely official till then.  Keep in mind she was already planning an October wedding which left her with a couple months of hardcore planning.  The whole situation seemed odd.  They kept the wedding party as just their siblings (he has one brother, she has one sister.)  No problem there.  But even though I wasn't in the wedding, she still wanted me there the night before.  SO my fiance and i both took a friday off of work to go there and spend an extra night just to be there for her.  I had also left a family weekend wedding early to attend one of her bridal showers and then drive myself back to my now home state.

THere were some issues after the first of the year and she proceeded to post on Facebook that i was selfish and lazy and i don't do anything for anyone else.  OUr friendship had changed in between teh time she decided she was getting married (march 09) till now.  I was the one making the iniative to call or email.  Being in another state, I wasn't depending on her for much help with the wedding planning, etc. and I was perfectly fine with that. 

THis past week after a month of her not talking to me (like i said she got mad at me after the first of the year) I contacted her and just asked if she still wanted to be in the wedding.  She wrote back implying that she really didn't want to be but that she would if i absolutely wanted her to.  She said if i didn't want her to be in there then to send her the dress or send her a check for it.  After i told her that i woudl just send her the dress she told me to have a nice life.

Long story short, just ask her what she wants.  Try to get a sense if she feels like she has to be your MOH out of obligation at this point.  CHances are if you both decide that it would be more comfortable if she wasn't then she won't want to come at all .  :-(  Sorry for the novel!!

jennysr38

Let me be clear so I don't come off as some wedding obsessed Bridezilla. Because that is not the case. My friendship with her has slowly been going down hill ever since she has had children. Not sure why, and not trying to be mean. But it's true. I guess that I haven't felt that our friendship has been a great one for a long time now. But I felt obligated to have her as my MOH because of being friends with her since Kindergarten. Her not showing interest in my wedding or her role as a MOH just confirms that we probably no longer have much of a friendship. I just feel like I have done alot for her and her children, been there for various things for her, been there for her through thick and thin. But when it comes time for me, she isn't there. Call me selfish, but I also don't think that it is fair to me to leave it up to someone who doesn't care about me or important event in my life, to throw me a bridal shower or a bachlorette party. Because if it is up to her, I won't get either one.Or to be someone that I can count on, on my wedding day to keep me sane and as worry free as possible.  Just one more thing.....I planned her wedding for her......... I coordnated her reception and kept it moving.....I payed for her bachlorette party......I paid for her hotel room on her honeymoon night......I made sure she was happy on her wedding day, and the many days before that. The least she can do is at least TRY to do the same for me. You can think that I am being selfish by even considering to "demote" her. But in reality, she is the selfish one.