Bridal Party Etiquette?? - Bridesmaid by marriage affiliation??

snlyons914

OK -

My so called best friend ended up dropping out of my wedding because she was "too busy." (I previously posted about her) So, I decided to ask my fiancee's Best Man's wife. We are friends, but we really dont speak often. I met her on the day of her wedding, and I honestly dont think we hung out with them as a couple more than 5 times in the past four years.

Anway, upon speaking with her, she told me that I hurt her feelings because I originally didnt ask her to begin with. She told me that since she is married to her husband (the best man) as a courtesy, I should have asked her to be my bridesmaid.

Is this common etiquette?? She made me feel so bad, but thats something I never heard!

bablingbrooke

No, but it was wrong to only ask her because a "slot" opened up.  You're basically saying, "I need a warm body so I guess you'll do," rather than, "I love you and want you in the wedding."  Especially when you're so close to the date.

janedoe1113a

No, you didn't have to ask her for that reason.

But it was rude of you to ask her because a slot opened up.  I'm sure you  made her feel like a second wheel.  It makes sense that her feelings were hurt.

crawford411

I've never heard of this before.  Weddings just bring out the crazy in people.  She'll get over it, and if she doesn't, maybe just consider that uneven sides (or one of the groomsmen becoming an usher) is an easier path to take.

bablingbrooke

Do NOT demote a GM just because you lost a BM.  That's utterly unfair to him.

snlyons914

Actually,
I didnt get into detail because I learned to keep posts as short as possible. The fiancee added two groomsmen a month ago. My best friend dropped out, and my sister who is active military was unable to push back her deployment and will be missing my wedding. Perhaps I shouldn't have posted to about the ex friend to keep the question clear, but I wont edit because I know thats a no no! Sorry for the confusion!

snlyons914

I should have just updated my previous post that she actually ended up dropping out!

bablingbrooke

So if it wasn't about evening up the sides why ask her with only 6 weeks to go?  It's hard to not feel like that was the reason when you look at the timing.  But to answer your original question, no, she doesn't have to be in the wedding just because her DH is.  But asking her with less than two months to go sent a message that you didn't seem to want to send.

mbcdefg

You didn't owe her a spot in the wedding party because she's the Best Man's wife. She's 100% wrong about that.

However, it WAS very rude and very wrong of you to ask someone you barely know to be a bridesmaid just to have another body up there. No matter what your circumstances with other people dropping out. The two new groomsmen, your BM dropping out and your sister being deployed had nothing to do with all of this.

Apologize for adding her so late in the game and if you hurt her feelings. But you do not owe her an apology for the "I'm the Best Man's wife" thing.

Demoting a groomsman to an usher to keep things even is AWFUL advice. Don't do that.

snlyons914

Babling,

I did ask her to even up the sides, and had intended on asking her when the Finacee added the groomsmen. The timing may look bad, but this all honestly happened at once. She lives 40 miles away, and I wanted to speak to her face to face, didnt want to speak to her over the phone and in text. It took me a week just to get a time frame to sit and talk to her and drive to her house because our schedules were conflicted. I shouldnt have made the comment about my friend dropping out, it took away from the point I was really trying to make.

bablingbrooke

I don't know if you've noticed but no one has made a comment about your friend dropping out.  Everyone has pointed out that you asked this girl just to even up sides.  And she's offended.  And she is rightly offended--she's a slot-filler and she knows it.  There was NO need to ask her to even up sides.  None.  Your marriage is still valid and you will NOT be distracted by it.  If you are (as in you are focused on the lack of symmetry rather than the fact you're getting married at that moment) that's a bigger issue than I can help you with.

mbcdefg

Then all you can really do is try to explain this to her, and apologize if her feelings were hurt by it.

But don't be surprised that she's pissed off for being added so late in the game. No matter what your intentions were, it DOES appear that you only asked her to keep things even (and you yourself admitted that). And most people would be incredibly hurt to know that they were a second choice bridesmaid, or that your main reason for asking them to be a BM was to keep the sides even.

Again, though, she's way off-base for saying that as the Best Man's wife she's owed a spot in the bridal party. Do not apologize for that. If she persists with that argument, just say, "Perhaps that's a tradition in your family, but I've never heard of that, and all the research I've done on bridal parties never says that attendants' spouses should be in the wedding party, too."

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridal-party-etiquette-bridesmaid-marriage-affiliation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2d2ee388-9c8e-42c3-909c-70344d98c997Post:9cefddc8-d7ed-431d-a064-505d196fdb6b">Re: Bridal Party Etiquette?? - Bridesmaid by marriage affiliation??</a>:
[QUOTE]Babling,<strong> I did ask her to even up the sides, and had intended on asking her when the Finacee added the groomsmen.</strong> The timing may look bad, but this all honestly happened at once. She lives 40 miles away, and I wanted to speak to her face to face, didnt want to speak to her over the phone and in text. It took me a week just to get a time frame to sit and talk to her and drive to her house because our schedules were conflicted. I shouldnt have made the comment about my friend dropping out, it took away from the point I was really trying to make.
Posted by snlyons914[/QUOTE]


You're right that you shouldn't have made the comment about your friend dropping out, but it still doesn't change the fact that you were asking a relative stranger to fill a "slot" rather than because you wanted your nearest and dearest standing with you.

On the other hand, I think her notion that she should have been asked at all just because she's married to the BM is just so silly.

Sorry, neither one of you is in the clear on this one.

snlyons914

Babling, I dont know if you've noticed but I didn't ask if it was rude to ask her, I asked if it was considered common etiquette to add someone as a bridesmaid because they are married.

There is a lot of personal aspects that I wont divulge on this message board. But, I will say that I was just feeling really down about myself lately and the entire situation only having three bridesmaids and my finacee now having 12 groomsmen, and this was something I expressed to her in person.. Maybe I shouldn't feel that way, but I willingly admit my insecurities.... Thank you all for your feedback.

bablingbrooke

I'm very sorry you're going through a difficult time--certainly no one deserves to feel that way about her wedding.  Just keep in mind that I'm not a mind-reader--I can only respond to what you write.  And when you write that you asked someone you barely know to be a BM with six weeks to go so that you have even sides and wonder why the person is upset, that's all I can respond to.  And with only those facts, you get the responses you get.  You had a run of bad luck with your BMs--that sucks.  But I'm not sure the answer is to stock the WP with people you don't know very well so that you have more people on your side. 

ETA: I don't think there's any shame in having only 3 BMs if that's who you're closest to.  Even if your FI does have 12 guys.

snlyons914

Thanks Babling, I appreciate it......

mbcdefg

I'd personally find it more weird for someone to have 12 attendants than for someone to have 3.

Heck, I only had 2 bridesmaids. Let me tell you, fewer attendants makes everything a LOT easier.

aerinpegadrak

Personally, I read her comment not as "I should be a bridesmaid because I'm married to the best man," but as "If you really wanted me up there, you should have asked me in the first place, not at the last minute."  The last-minute slot-filler thing rarely goes well.

CTGirl30

Nobody is owed a slot in the WP - regardless of whether or not their spouse is in it. That's just ridiculous and she's absolutely wrong about that notion.

Bottom line is that you're asking her for crappy reasons - you're asking her to try and help soothe your own insecurities about having 3 people up there vs. your fiance's 12. (Twelve is a bit excessive, I have to say - yikes).  Even if you're not asking her in an attempt at evening up sides, your reasoning for asking her last minute is no better than if you were. You're basically looking for people to stand up as props to pad your side. Which is silly. Nobody is going to be looking at you and thinking, "What a loser. Why doesn't she have more friends?" (They'll probably be thinking - why on earth does her fiance have a parade of guys up there? Did he invite his entire fraternity house from college?).

So yeah, aside from her misguided notion that she should have been asked simply because her DH was Best Man, your reason for asking her was pretty crappy. So you're both in the wrong. If she's accepted, not much to do about it now, though. Kicking her out would be like throwing fuel on the fire at this point. if she didn't accept, then try not to feel so down about having less people on your side than your FI's - it's really not a huge deal.