Wedding Party
Options

Bridesmaid help!!

From the time we were little my cousins & I have always discussed our ideas and named each other as our bridesmaids, so when I got engaged this past fall I told all of my 5 cousins about it and they knew before hand they would be bridesmaids because that decision was made so long ago. Well since I've announced my engagement 1 of my bridesmaids/cousins isn't really speaking to me, she hasn't been active in the planning & as a matter of fact she stood me up when I went dress shopping after she said she would be there. She also keeps telling other family members how upset with me she is (never has an explanation though) and when I had dinner with her to try to see what was wrong she instead that nothing was wrong!

My issue is that I no longer want her to be a bridesmaid & since I never officially asked her I'm trying to figure out how to have this conversation with her about whether or not she even wants to be apart of the wedding, much less a bridesmaid since she has such an issue with me.

What should I do?

Re: Bridesmaid help!!

  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2ee23135-e182-45ba-8258-1972835fe729Post:9ab3122c-fba8-48c0-8e84-5f7d59a878fe">Bridesmaid help!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]From the time we were little my cousins & I have always discussed our ideas and named each other as our bridesmaids, so when I got engaged this past fall I told all of my 5 cousins about it and they knew before hand they would be bridesmaids because that decision was made so long ago. Well since I've announced my engagement 1 of my bridesmaids/cousins isn't really speaking to me, she hasn't been active in the planning & as a matter of fact she stood me up when I went dress shopping after she said she would be there. <strong>If she was invited to go dress shopping and you told all of your cousins about being engaged and "they knew" they sould bridesmaids, well then....she's a bridesmaid.</strong>

    She also keeps telling other family members how upset with me she is (never has an explanation though) and when I had dinner with her to try to see what was wrong she instead that nothing was wrong! My issue is that I no longer want her to be a bridesmaid & since I never officially asked her I'm trying to figure out how to have this conversation with her about whether or not she even wants to be apart of the wedding, much less a bridesmaid since she has such an issue with me. What should I do?
    Posted by jessisimmons[/QUOTE]

    Your wedding is over a year away.  You have more than enough time to repair the relationship.  Call your cousin, not your bridesmaid, and talk to her. 

    Not about wedding stuff.  About going to the movies.  About what's going on in her life.  About Easter.  About spring shopping.  About leaves budding on the trees.  About Donald Trump running for President.  About your summer travel plans.  About American Idol. You know.....about whatever you would have talked to her about BEFORE you had a sparkly on your finger.

    Are you really going to throw away a relationship with your cousin over a party?  An important party to be sure, but a party nonetheless?

    But golly-good luck to you.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    There's no way you can kick your cousin out of your wedding without this turning into HUGE drama. Plus it's a bridezilla move.

    Just leave everything how it is. If she dislikes you as much as you seem to think she does, she'll drop out of the wedding on her own. Otherwise, if she gets her dress and shows up to the ceremony, she's done her job as a bridesmaid.

    In the meantime, don't talk about the wedding with her and try to fix the relationship.
    image
  • Options
    In line with what PPs have said, she should be your cousin first and your BM second.  Treat her that way, and maybe things will improve well before your wedding, or the need to do anything wedding-related rolls around.

    And whatever you do, don't kick her out.  That would forever ruin your relationship with her.
    image
  • Options
    That's just it, she's be acting distant long before I got engaged, we've been drifting apart since we graduated highschool in 2003 and went to different colleges. Just the wedding has brought the problems to the forefront of my mind. And she was the only one I asked to go dress shopping with me that day and she was a no-show. I've asked time & time agian what she's mad about & she swears its nothing but will turn around and stay stuff to mutual friends and family memebers, its been goking on for months now. Like I really feel like our relationship has been dead and I dont know what to do to fix it. Plus Im tired of trying to make her talk to me about whatever is wrong with her.
  • Options
    mbcdefgmbcdefg member
    5 Love Its First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited April 2011
    If she's been distant since before your engagement, then she's not going to change now.

    If she won't come along to dress shopping appointments, then send her an e-mail or voicemail saying, "This is the dress that the majority voted for. Please place your order at Fancy Pants Salon by [date] to ensure that it gets here on time. You can use their seamstress or the tailor of your choice."

    When the wedding gets closer, send her another e-mail/voicemail with the date, time and location of the rehearsal and dinner, and then the info about when and where to be on the morning of the wedding.

    If the other bridesmaids plan on throwing a shower or bachelorette, I would tell them to invite her into the planning but don't be surprised if she doesn't help plan/pay, and don't be surprised if she doesn't attend.

    If she gets the dress and participates in the ceremony, she's done her job. If not, then she can attend as a guest or not attend at all.

    If other people are spreading gossip about what she's saying about you, firmly say, "I'm not interest in gossip so please knock it off," and then change the subject or walk away if they keep yakking. If your cousin says something snide directly to your face, calmly say, "If you are upset with me for some reason, tell me the reason right now so that we can fix it. Otherwise, I'm not interested in arguing."

    Just give her all the need-to-know information and nothing more. She'll participate if she feels like it, otherwise she'll drop out on her own and your hands will be clean. But if you kick her out, you're going to look like a major bridezilla, so don't do that. Leave the ball entirely in her court.
    image
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-14?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2ee23135-e182-45ba-8258-1972835fe729Post:8e6ec065-5b1c-4dd3-904e-8c31ee18356c">Re: Bridesmaid help!!</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid help!! : Your wedding is over a year away.  You have more than enough time to repair the relationship.  Call your cousin, not your bridesmaid, and talk to her.  Not about wedding stuff.  About going to the movies.  About what's going on in her life.  About Easter.  About spring shopping.  About leaves budding on the trees.  About Donald Trump running for President.  About your summer travel plans.  About American Idol. You know.....about whatever you would have talked to her about BEFORE you had a sparkly on your finger. Are you really going to throw away a relationship with your cousin over a party?  An important party to be sure, but a party nonetheless? But golly-good luck to you.
    Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>This</div>
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    I am dealing with something very similar to you. I have family with three girl cousins. The two older cousins who are 21 and 24 are so jealous of everyone! They basically have said they hate the entire family. I really do not want to have them in my wedding, but the big issues is they have a little sister who is 13 and I am worried about leaving her out. I have no idea how I am going to handle it.
  • Options
    EnamiEnami member
    First Comment
    I don't see it as kicking her out since you never asked her (pacts in childhood don't count). If you're not close, don't ask her. If you are close/working on being closer, then ask. I think its bad of her to assume she's in because you promised her she would be when you both were little. That's her bad, not yours.
    Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml
  • Options
    I feel like its keeps down conflict from family members to just have her in it, but it will cause me undue stress. I know where you are coming from, I really hope we can both figure this out.
  • Options
    I'm eventually going to attempt to talk to her again. But its like pulling teeth when I ask whats wrong and she always says "nothing". *shrug*
  • Options
    Maybe you should ask her if she really wants to be in your wedding because you get the vibe that she doesn't really want or that she isn't enjoying it. But say it in the least confrontational way as possible.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards