Demanding Bridesmaid Drama (Wedding this Saturday)

JLeTourneur

I asked my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid, and she accepted. Two months into our engagement she became pregnant, and when I told her she could take an "out" if she wanted it (her baby would be born a month prior to our wedding; not her first), she said "no."

Since then, she has not participated in a single wedding-related event, despite the fact that they've all taken place within an hour of her home. I understand her situation, but it's really hurt my feelings that she really hasn't made an effort to participate.

I am getting married this Saturday, and took pains to accommodate her schedule since she now has a month-old baby and 2.5-year-old girl; I told her she can skip the pre-wedding festivities and get ready at home, since that will work better for her. 

Now she is insisting that she bring both her daughters with her when she arrives for pre-wedding photos, and they be able to hang out in the bride's room with her when we are all getting dressed. (she's bottle-feedng, btw) I emailed her back, replying that I really need that morning to be calm & kid-free and could her husband please bring the two girls before the ceremony, like we've asked. She has not replied or spoken to me since then . . . I love my nieces, but I know what I'll need in the hours before my wedding, and it's not a 2.5-yr-old running around & a baby crying. 

What do I do? Do I call her? She has not responded to my texts or emails . . . I know she refuses to be separated from her girls (even in the care of her capable husband), and will not take it well, but I am not willing to negotiate on this. 

mbcdefg

If you don't want the kids there, then say, "We won't be able to accommodate such young children. If you would prefer to get ready at home so you can be with them, then just meet us at the ceremony venue by [time]." End of story. She might not be there for pre-wedding photos and she might be pissed at you for it, but if you want the peace and quiet (which I don't blame you for), then those are the sacrifices you will need to make.

If you want her there for photos or whatever, though, you're probably just going to have to suck it up and let the kids be there. It will be a much bigger deal if you make it a point to focus on them and make it a point to be angry about the situation. Try offering to hire a sitter to keep them quiet while you guys take photos and stuff, if you wish, or ask if her husband will come along and keep them out of your hair when necessary.

That being said:

Since then, she has not participated in a single wedding-related event, despite the fact that they've all taken place within an hour of her home. I understand her situation, but it's really hurt my feelings that she really hasn't made an effort to participate.

This has absolutely nothing to do with the situation at hand. The issue here is that she wants to bring her children to the suite to get ready, not that she hasn't done enough for you and your wedding.

I am getting married this Saturday, and took pains to accommodate her schedule since she now has a month-old baby and 2.5-year-old girl; I told her she can skip the pre-wedding festivities and get ready at home, since that will work better for her.

It wasn't your place to tell her what she could skip. You issued her invitations to pre-wedding events, not legal subpoenas. She was free to decline them if she wished ... it isn't "accommodating" someone to say, "You don't have to attend this party/event if you would rather not." It's not like you did her some kind of favor by "letting her off the hook" from her obligations. You're not her employer and she's not your employee.

You seem to think that she "owes" you because she didn't attend pre-wedding events. She doesn't owe you a thing, because she wasn't obligated to do those things for you in the first place. Her job is to participate in the ceremony. The CEREMONY is your wedding, not the pre-wedding parties and events, so you're wrong when you say that she "hasn't made an effort to participate" in your wedding. The wedding hasn't happened yet.

And if she's sensing this attitude from you, then that may be part of the reason why she's not willing to compromise on being separated from her children before the wedding. If she feels that you're expecting too much from her, then why should she be bothered to change her plans just for you?

Maggie0829

Honestly, I would have your FI call her since it is his sister.  You have expressed how you feel about the situation, now it should be up to your FI to stand up for you.

Like PP said, I don't know why her H can't watch the kids for a few hours and why she feels like it is appropriate to bring along two very young children to hang out during the pre-wedding photos (who will be watching them when pictures are taken?) and while you all get dressed.  I personally wouldn't want that extra possible drama around me during that time as well.

jemmini6

You were wrong to give her an 'out' due to her pregnancy.  You were wrong to expect her to attend multiple pre-wedding events.

That being said, you are well within your rights to request that no young children be in the bridal suite during the getting ready process.  My sister had her two step-daughters and her 7 month old son with her, so they got ready at my mom's house and met up at the bridal suite once I was almost ready.  I love them all to death, but even having them for 15 minutes before I went to take pictures was a little stressful.

I'd have your FI talk to her if she's not responding to you at this point. 

OBX2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demanding-bridesmaid-drama-wedding-this-saturday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2fab57ac-cea8-4421-b088-c9463af62f3bPost:9879834c-4735-4934-902f-8c9d35c6c7b1">Demanding Bridesmaid Drama (Wedding this Saturday)</a>:
[QUOTE]I asked my fiance's sister to be a bridesmaid, and she accepted. Two months into our engagement she became pregnant, and when I told her she could take an "out" if she wanted it (her baby would be born a month prior to our wedding; not her first), she said "no." Since then, she has not participated in a single wedding-related event, despite the fact that they've all taken place within an hour of her home. I understand her situation, but it's really hurt my feelings that she really hasn't made an effort to participate. I am getting married this Saturday, and took pains to accommodate her schedule since she now has a month-old baby and 2.5-year-old girl; I told her she can skip the pre-wedding festivities and get ready at home, since that will work better for her.  Now she is insisting that she bring both her daughters with her when she arrives for pre-wedding photos, and they be able to hang out in the bride's room with her when we are all getting dressed. (she's bottle-feedng, btw) I emailed her back, replying that I really need that morning to be calm & kid-free and could her husband please bring the two girls before the ceremony, like we've asked. She has not replied or spoken to me since then . . . I love my nieces, but I know what I'll need in the hours before my wedding, and it's not a 2.5-yr-old running around & a baby crying.  What do I do? Do I call her? She has not responded to my texts or emails . . . I know she refuses to be separated from her girls (even in the care of her capable husband), and will not take it well, but I am not willing to negotiate on this. 
Posted by JLeTourneur[/QUOTE]


If you are not willing to negotiate, you are making yourself look like an ass.  She has a newborn baby and that requires A LOT more attention than you do my dear.

No wonder she isn't calling you back.....I wouldn't either.

ETA:  apparently I am the only one that feels this way.  Now, the 2.5 year old, I don't see why she needs to be there, but the newborn could be your compromise.

pkontk

You might want to compromise and allow her to bring the baby; ask her husband to watch the 2.5 year old. 

The rest of the parts of your post, well, they have no bearing on the situation at hand.  You may have thought they gave 'good background info' but if I were your SIL and you 'gave me an out' when you found out I was pregnant, I would be less inclined to get back to your texts as well.

Simply Fated

Like PP said, this is an unpop op, but I agree. I don't think it's too much to ask that the morning of your wedding be free of spitup, poopy diapers and crying.

banana468

I have a child and I'm also cool with saying that the bridal suite pre-wedding is a place for the wedding.

But I'd also tread lightly with this.  You may want to compromise that the baby can come but the toddler needs to be with dad.

ajmom2two

I dont see anything wrong with not wanting the children there, even the baby.  Who is going to be holding the baby during pictures?  If she has to have the baby where she is at, at all times, then her husband should come along and take care of the kids.  

MyNameIsNot

I too would compromise and allow the baby but not the toddler.

I do think you created a lot of animosity here by "giving her an out" and about the pre-wedding parties.  You can't go back and undo that, but you do have to realize that your prior bad acts are going to make her defensive and less reasonable with this one.  

kaitlyn&henry

My sister had a 3 month old baby during my wedding and I would never ask her not to have her with her. It is her 4th child, so whether its the first or 20th a newborn is a new born and some parents prefer when they are that new, that they keep them with them even if they are bottle fed.

We did however agree to have her older children have somewhere else to go. I felt the same about not having the other children there and was really set on it...BUT we let them come for pictures and honestly they were so excited because they thought I was a princess going to meet her prince. It was adorable and the most heartwarming thing. They really made the latter part of getting ready a joy because of how excited they were.

Not saying this to change your mind But again i felt the same way and was pleasantly surprised.

emwalsh1

I think it is completely unreasonable to ask a mother to leave her newborn baby anywhere but with her. I know it is your wedding, but her baby is way more important to her than you are. Please don't feel that you are being so accomodating by "allowing" her to get ready elsewhere- she needs to do what she needs to do with her babies and it sounds like you are making this a lot harder on her.

I am not trying to attack you at all, but if she is going to be your new sister in law, as of Saturday, then you might want to be as gracious as possible and it will probably help with family relations in general, which is somethig that you need to consider for the rest of your life, not just on your wedding day! Anyway, congratulations on your wedding!

kmmssg

Why is leaving a bottle fed baby with her father (parent) unreasonable?  The baby wouldn't be with a sitter, she would be with a parent.  I personally don't think this is so unreasonable.  If the baby had to be with a sitter I would agree that the bride is being unreasonable.  I don't think she is.  Daddy's can take care of babies too.

jemmini6

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demanding-bridesmaid-drama-wedding-this-saturday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:2fab57ac-cea8-4421-b088-c9463af62f3bPost:9dcdc776-2c6e-4b3d-b765-d517b0d643ca">Re: Demanding Bridesmaid Drama (Wedding this Saturday)</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is leaving a bottle fed baby with her father (parent) unreasonable?  The baby wouldn't be with a sitter, she would be with a parent.  I personally don't think this is so unreasonable.  If the baby had to be with a sitter I would agree that the bride is being unreasonable.  I don't think she is.  <strong>Daddy's can take care of babies too.</strong>
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

Speaking of which, I HATE when people say that the dad is 'babysitting'.  Um, no, he's caring for HIS child, just like the mother would.  And yes, since she is not breastfeeding, there's absolutely no difference between him watching her, or her watching her. /rant

ajmom2two

In Response to Re:Demanding Bridesmaid Drama Wedding this Saturday:[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Demanding Bridesmaid Drama Wedding this Saturday:Why is leaving a bottle fed baby with her father parent unreasonable? nbsp;The baby wouldn't be with a sitter, she would be with a parent. nbsp;I personally don't think this is so unreasonable. nbsp;If the baby had to be with a sitter I would agree that the bride is being unreasonable. nbsp;I don't think she is. nbsp;Daddy's can take care of babies too.Posted by kmmssgSpeaking of which, I HATE when people say that the dad is 'babysitting'.nbsp; Um, no, he's caring for HIS child, just like the mother would.nbsp; And yes, since she is not breastfeeding, there's absolutely no difference between him watching her, or her watching her. /rant Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

This exactly! I have 2 children would have left them with their father in this situation for sure, at least during pictures. I breastfed would still have had him handle them just bring the baby to me to nurse.

Simply Fated

It's not baby-sitting when it's your own kid. Two of my friend's husbands act like this and it drives me nuts.

If this BM doesn't want to leave her child with the baby's father, then something else must be going on there.
If she just really doesn't want to be seperated from her baby, then she doesn't have to come and get ready with them that day. Easy peasy.

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demanding-bridesmaid-drama-wedding-this-saturday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2fab57ac-cea8-4421-b088-c9463af62f3bPost:f92b67cc-09f0-4d0a-8d9f-1910b8f89617">Re: Demanding Bridesmaid Drama (Wedding this Saturday)</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I think it is completely unreasonable to ask a mother to leave her newborn baby anywhere but with her</strong>. I know it is your wedding, but her baby is way more important to her than you are. Please don't feel that you are being so accomodating by "allowing" her to get ready elsewhere- she needs to do what she needs to do with her babies and it sounds like you are making this a lot harder on her. I am not trying to attack you at all, but if she is going to be your new sister in law, as of Saturday, then you might want to be as gracious as possible and it will probably help with family relations in general, which is somethig that you need to consider for the rest of your life, not just on your wedding day! Anyway, congratulations on your wedding!
Posted by emwalsh1[/QUOTE]

So the father of the baby is incapable of watching his own child?  When my sister had her baby girl, she and I went out to grab a few must need items and some lunch...this was seriously 5 days after she had her.  Guess what?  Her father watched her for those few hours and teh baby survived!  I know, it is mind blowing to think that a father can actually be responsable and take care of his own child (read sarcastically)!

I understand other posters compromise about having the older child with the father and the baby with the mother, but this still does not answer the question of what this lady will be doing with the baby when pictures are taken.  Will she expect the bride to let her hold her baby in the pictures?  Will she just place the baby off to the side in her carrier?  The father will have to take over during this time no matter what, so why not just let the father take care of both of his children during the pre-wedding time period?

OBX2011

And FTR, I ETA'd my post before anyone else mentioned anything about leaving the 2.5 year old at home, so I wasn't "trying to be like everyone else" just so it looked like I agreed. 

I would suggest that someone get their damn facts straight before running their mouth when they don't know what they are talking about in the first place.

Eye-roll worthy enough for ya?  Yeaaa....thought so

KatWAG

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_demanding-bridesmaid-drama-wedding-this-saturday?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:2fab57ac-cea8-4421-b088-c9463af62f3bPost:9dcdc776-2c6e-4b3d-b765-d517b0d643ca">Re: Demanding Bridesmaid Drama (Wedding this Saturday)</a>:
[QUOTE]Why is leaving a bottle fed baby with her father (parent) unreasonable?  The baby wouldn't be with a sitter, she would be with a parent.  I personally don't think this is so unreasonable.  If the baby had to be with a sitter I would agree that the bride is being unreasonable.  I don't think she is.  Daddy's can take care of babies too.
Posted by kmmssg[/QUOTE]

All of this. It is time for daddy to step up.

beautifulvice

I'm not sure what kind of venue you're getting married at, but if there's another room along with the bridal suite, maybe suggest that her husband come and watch the kids in a separate room while you all get ready and take pictures.  That way she has easy access to her kids (moreso the newborn than the toddler) and you have a baby-free room.