How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party...

MedicMcKibben

My Fiance and I are planning an April wedding for 2013 and we knew right after our engagement who we wanted for our wedding party. My main concern is that a friend of mine whom I have grown more distant with in the last six months is having lunch with me today and I am pretty sure she is going to expect the invite to be a MOH or BM. I am at a total loss of how to approach this issue gingerly but still keep this general friendship intact.

Thanks in advance!

P.S. This is the same friend who did not return my call the day of engagement nor responded to the text until a day later and only stated "congrats" in the response after being rude about her reasoning for not responding.

Ali092011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-friend-she-isnt-going-to-be-in-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:32abdeed-d752-47aa-a61d-43b130ade133Post:9b468e00-38a5-48b0-b5c7-5f6e6f0a75b7">How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party...</a>:
[QUOTE]My Fiance and I are planning an April wedding for 2013 and we knew right after our engagement who we wanted for our wedding party. My main concern is that a friend of mine whom I have grown more distant with in the last six months is having lunch with me today and I am pretty sure she is going to expect the invite to be a MOH or BM. I am at a total loss of how to approach this issue gingerly but still keep this general friendship intact. Thanks in advance! P.S. This is the same friend who did not return my call the day of engagement nor responded to the text until a day later and only stated "congrats" in the response after being rude about her reasoning for not responding.
Posted by MedicMcKibben[/QUOTE]

It would be rude of her to ask whether or not she's in the BP. If she does, don't tell her why she wasn't chosen or make excuses. Just say, "We've already chosen our bridal party," and try to steer the conversation away. If I were you, I would try to keep the conversation going about other things besides the wedding and hope it didn't get brought up at all, but that might be a little unrealistic.

I hope your "P.S." isn't the primary reason you didn't ask her. It sounds kind of petty that you're holding that against her. When I got engaged, I had some of my close friends calling me right away and others who didn't get a chance to congratulate me until a few days later. People are busy and have lives, and they shouldn't have to give you a "reason for not responding."

MedicMcKibben

No, that isnt the reason at all and I am sure it seemed that way with the post script. To be honest, there are many personal reasons that are not worth discussing on a board.
Thank you for your post.

kmmssg

Don't bring up your WP, just talk about other things.  If she asks then let her know you have chosen your WP.  You don't have to justify or discuss it with her.

Summer2011Bride

Please don't tell her "Sorry, you aren't in the WP." Just don't bring it up. It would be rude of her to ask if she's in it. If you just got engaged and started planning, you can say, "I haven't really thought about my WP yet or started planning."

MedicMcKibben

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-friend-she-isnt-going-to-be-in-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:32abdeed-d752-47aa-a61d-43b130ade133Post:f2b4ecb7-ea56-48ed-8406-14bfdccdfe08">Re: How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party...</a>:
[QUOTE]You should NOT tell her she isn't in the wedding party.  If she asks, she is the rude one and you owe her no explanation.  Also, I don't get the reason for your post script.  Because if it's to make us think she's a bad friend or whatever, then it's not working.  It really just makes you look kind of bratty for being upset that your friend didn't respond fast enough or seem properly excited.  Regardless of whether or not that is affecting this decision (which it obviously is on some level for you to post it), I think you might need to get over yourself a little bit on that one.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

WOW! While I honestly owe you no explanation in regards to the post script, I should say that it was meant to further enforce the fact that she was rude to me about getting engaged and "bothering" her with my suprise announcement which I tried to share with her and even further strengthened the fact that it is a friendship that may have run its course.

In regards to your generally rude demeanor in your reply: I do not feel that comments like "you might need to get over yourself a little bit on that one" are called for nor appropriate. We are all adults here and no one should speak to another poster like that. I wouldn't post anything like that comment on your posts, and neither should you. Its very rude and very unbecoming. Its like our mothers used to tell us "If you have nothing nice to say, you shouldnt say anything at all." Thank you.

Summer2011Bride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-friend-she-isnt-going-to-be-in-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:32abdeed-d752-47aa-a61d-43b130ade133Post:0afffcbd-0c04-46b4-bcd5-ae97d2f15041">Re: How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party... : WOW! While I honestly owe you no explanation in regards to the post script, I should say that it was meant to further enforce the fact that she was rude to me about getting engaged and "bothering" her with my suprise announcement which I tried to share with her and even further strengthened the fact that it is a friendship that may have run its course. In regards to your generally rude demeanor in your reply: I do not feel that comments like "you might need to get over yourself a little bit on that one" are called for nor appropriate. We are all adults here and no one should speak to another poster like that. I wouldn't post anything like that comment on your posts, and neither should you. Its very rude and very unbecoming. Its like our mothers used to tell us "If you have nothing nice to say, you shouldnt say anything at all." Thank you.
Posted by MedicMcKibben[/QUOTE]

Here's the thing. If you're going to post something on a public message forum (like your P.S.) then it's fair game. Had you not wanted us commenting on those details, you should have left that part out. You obviously have some issues with this friend, though, if you made it a point to include that. We can only go off what you write, and that P.S. did come across very bratty.

Also giving us the "mom lecture" isn't going to go over very well at all. We are being honest with you so you don't hurt someone's feelings in your real life. If I was being out of line and bratty, I would hope someone would tell me before I make a fool of myself IRL.

aragx6

Adults talk to each other like that all the time. She gave you honest advice, which you solicited. I agree that lecturing her isn't going to suit your goals here well. You sound childish.

Anyway, your wedding isn't for like 9 months anyway, so it wouldn't be all that rare to have not chosen your WP yet. Just don't bring it up.

MedicMcKibben

Personally, I DO NOT speak to adults like at all in real life nor in forums, I was raised better than that. And while I solicited the advice, there are appropriate ways to make a point without coming acroos as someone who is blantantly being rude or mean.

Could my post script been a little more in detail? Potentially, but there is still no reason to write what some of you have written.

I appreciate your responses and as I had feared it was an awkward lunch. But no worries, I have severe reservations to ever posting something on these forums again with the way this simple, yet honest, post has concluded. 

Best of luck to you all in future endeavors and your marriages.

mbcdefg

What's your hangup with calling everyone "rude"? If you think people here were "rude " to you, then I'm willing to bet that this "rude" friend of yours did absolutely nothing wrong but you chose to blow it way out of proportion.

clampkins8023

To the original poster: I completely understood your post script, trying to give a litlle background without giving too many details. I'm sorry it was blown up so much.
To actually answer your question, yes, it is rude for your friend to ask so unless it somehow comes up, I'd leave it out of the conversation....hopefully you handled that lunch well. Good luck with your planning!!

zitiqueen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-friend-she-isnt-going-to-be-in-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:32abdeed-d752-47aa-a61d-43b130ade133Post:4f6b9c5d-5d6a-4098-8ba3-0814a9ac08ec">Re: How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I DO NOT speak to adults like at all in real life nor in forums, I was raised better than that. And while I solicited the advice, there are appropriate ways to make a point without coming acroos as someone who is blantantly being rude or mean. <strong>Could my post script been a little more in detail? Potentially, but there is still no reason to write what some of you have written.</strong> I appreciate your responses and as I had feared it was an awkward lunch. But no worries,<strong> I have severe reservations to ever posting something on these forums again with the way this simple, yet honest, post has concluded.</strong>  Best of luck to you all in future endeavors and your marriages.
Posted by MedicMcKibben[/QUOTE]

Your post-script was completely unnecessary. It added nothing to your post and just made you look like a self-centered brat who expects the lives of others to revolve around yours.

I'm thinking you'd be better served over at Weddingbee, where horrible ideas are validated and it's sunshine being blown up your ass 24/7. Clearly you just want people to tell you what you want to hear.

meganpow87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-tell-a-friend-she-isnt-going-to-be-in-the-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:32abdeed-d752-47aa-a61d-43b130ade133Post:4f6b9c5d-5d6a-4098-8ba3-0814a9ac08ec">Re: How to tell a friend she isnt going to be in the wedding party...</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I DO NOT speak to adults like at all in real life nor in forums, I was raised better than that. And while I solicited the advice, there are appropriate ways to make a point without coming acroos as someone who is blantantly being rude or mean. Could my post script been a little more in detail? Potentially, but there is still no reason to write what some of you have written. I appreciate your responses and as I had feared it was an awkward lunch. But no worries, I have severe reservations to ever posting something on these forums again with the way this simple, yet honest, post has concluded.  Best of luck to you all in future endeavors and your marriages.
Posted by MedicMcKibben[/QUOTE]

I totally agree with you on this one...I generally steer away from posts like this when the discussion becomes heated but I don't get the rude, mean, and uncalled for posts that get put on here either. I don't get the mud slinging that gets started over the most simple statements...really...