Friend inviting herself to be a Bridesmaid...

CLECyclist

Hello, I am fairly new to the boards.

I currently plan to have three Bridesmaids, and am comfortable with that. There is a woman I work with who I am friends with who has started mentioning things ever since I got engaged like "Oh man, please don't make me wear a strapless dress!!" and "You are going to get SOOOO drunk at your bachelorette party!!!"

Um, no. No no no no no.

It's not my budget or symmetry that I'm concerned about, it's just... her. There are several "issues" that I see. For example:

1. She's strapped for cash. She's a single mom and seems to have issues buying her daughter gifts, let alone herself a Bridesmaid's dress. I don't want to put her in a financial bind, and I don't like her enough to pay for her dress.

2. She has no car. We live in Cleveland and will be getting married in Columbus. When I asked how she'd even get to Columbus she said she would ride with us and promised to not be a bother if I let her sleep on my mom's couch. HELLO!?!?

3. She's been depressed about being single, a LOT. She'll comment to me about how it must be nice to be getting married, that she's jealous that I'm losing weight and getting in shape... Not to mention she's been carrying pictures of her that are 10+ years old, looking at them and then verbally beating herself up.

What is a good, non devastating way to say thanks but no thanks? I feel so uncomfortable when she acts like this, I almost feel like she gets mopey and self-deprecating just so I won't shoot her down, like she knows or something!

Thanks, ladies!

bablingbrooke

Stop talking about the wedding with her.  Don't ever bring it up around her.  Change the subject when she brings it up.  That way you aren't leading her on.

If she flat out asks if she's a BM, tell her no.  If she asks why, tell her that you wanted to keep things small/couldn't include everybody/etc. and then immediately tell her that you hope you'll see her there and change the subject.  

If she keeps it up after that it might be time to get the boss or HR involved.  She doesn't sound too stable.

deepcovejackie

I'm thinking just stop talking about the wedding with her.  That should do it.

amagwire

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-inviting-herself-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:33b16374-89b5-4346-bc84-a0945c646a77Post:dd8d3ad4-0869-49d0-bd28-e78cf505b377">Re: Friend inviting herself to be a Bridesmaid...</a>:
[QUOTE]Stop talking about the wedding with her.  Don't ever bring it up around her.  Change the subject when she brings it up.  That way you aren't leading her on. If she flat out asks if she's a BM, tell her no.  If she asks why, tell her that you wanted to keep things small/couldn't include everybody/etc. and then immediately tell her that you hope you'll see her there and change the subject.   If she keeps it up after that it might be time to get the boss or HR involved.  She doesn't sound too stable.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<div>Do that.  Maybe she's bringing up planning questions - if so, try to change the subject.  You may need to tell her flat out that you've already chosen your bridal party.  She sounds crazy.</div>

emilyinchile

Honestly, it sounds like she's just not a close friend - THAT is why you don't need to ask her to be a BM. The reasons you listed may be reasons that you guys aren't closer, but in and of themselves they're not reasons not to ask someone. If your BFF was dealing with the same stuff, you'd still ask her, and you guys would figure out the money/car/depression situation. It's ok to be honest with yourself (and random strangers on the internet, haha) and say that you aren't best friends with this woman.

As far as what to do, I think PPs have pretty much got it covered.

megk8oz

I had a friend that tried really hard to push me into asking her to be a BM. I had been one in her wedding ... and honestly her wedding made me want to completely end the friendship, she was such a nightmare as a bride ... and her being the way she is, I knew she'd just create a lot of unecessary stress if I had her in my own wedding.

The very wise ladies on this oard helped me get through it. Do not mention the wedding around her. At all. If she brings it up, break out the bean dip. Change the subject like no man's business.  If it comes down to it and she asks if/why she's not in the BP, just say "We just couldn't include everybody" and be done with it.

riverjib

It doesn't even sound like she's someone you were planning to invite to your wedding! Her behavior is very odd, and I'd definitely refrain from any wedding discussion with her. If she keeps bringing it up and it comes to this, you'll have to explain that you've chosen to have a small wedding party, which is true.

JenPhil6212

Be honest with her. List the reasons. If you don't want her to go to the wedding just say I'm sorry but I can't favor one co-worker over the others and not invite her. Or tell her their are budget constraints. Why would she assume she is a bridesmaid?