Wedding Party

Help me with my difficult bridesmaid! (LONG!!)

Okay...one of my closest friends is one of my bridesmaids and I feel like I've had issues with her since I asked her to be a bridesmaid.  She can be difficult normally in our circle of friends but I guess I expected her to be a little bit more easy going since it is my wedding...here are the issues I've been having:

First, she was mad she was my maid of honor.  My sister is my matron of honor.  Her husband is my FH's best friend and therefore the bestmand in the wedding and she is upset that she won't get to walk wit him and get to dance with him when the bridal party joins in during the first dance.

Then when I was stressing about finding a venue in the beginning and doing nothing but talking about the wedding right after my engagement because I was so excited, she said "omg, you're still stressing over that, all you do is talk about your wedding.  I don't see us being friends by the time this is over." I told her my feelings were really hurt and then stopped talking to her about my wedding. 

Now that I am back in full swing of my wedding plans with my FH going back to work after being out hurt for 6 months she seems to want to be involved. I decided that I wanted to narrow the bridesmaid dress selection down to a few for the girls to choose from rather than have 7 girls run through the dress store picking out dresses and never get anywhere because they all liked the one they picked.  She wanted to be a part of this process, which I had no issue with, however our schedules did not coincide for this to happen so I went with just my sister/MOH and was mad and basically threatened to drop out of the wedding.

Now she is arguing with my MOH about details for the bridal shower and bachellorette party that they are in the beginning stages of planning.  She is sending her emails and arguing with her on the phone.  My sister is pretty fed up already and they've barely started planning anything. 

There are more things but I just can't put everything here...it would take too long. :) I'm really beside myself as to what to do.  I don't want to ruin my friendship with her, but I feel like she is making my wedding planning and now the planning that the bridesmaids are doing dificult every step of the way.  What do you recommend?  Thanks for your advice in adance.

Re: Help me with my difficult bridesmaid! (LONG!!)

  • jaimed99jaimed99 member
    500 Comments
    edited November 2010
    Simple solution...don't have a WP dance. It's awkward and outdated anyway, and it makes the WP generally uncomfortable.

    And if you are having both a Maid and Matron of Honor (which I am also having), then have your sister walk in with her husband and stand first as Matron of Honor and your friend next to her as Maid of Honor...it's irrelevant which one stands next to you.
  • I'm not having a maid and matron as both my sister and friend are married...plus the first dance is important to both me and FH and something we both want to have at the wedding.
  • You and your FI can certainly have a first dance.  But asking the WP to join in is not a good idea.  It's awkward, not fun and no one wants to see it.  If you do ask the WP to join in, ask them to join in WITH their SOs.  People generally don't like to dance with people who aren't their SO.  It's just a bad idea.

    Beyond that, I think there may be some issues in how things were handled on both sides.  It's perfectly understandable that you were all "OMG I'm getting married SQUEEE!" right after you got engaged but that doesn't meant hat others will like it.  Your friend may not have handled things nicely but it is important to not have your wedding be the ONLY thing to focus on.

    When it comes to BM dresses, ask her for a budget and then pick dresses that fit her budget.  If she picks a fight, just say, "I'm sorry if you don't like this.  What are your suggestions?"  And you can either go with what she likes or veto it.

    When it comes to parties for you, stay out of the planning unless she's telling you what she's doing to your sister.

    And please don't think that she's going to change for your wedding.   People aren't going to suddenly change their personalities just for your wedding.  It's a nice idea to think that will happen but the bottom line is that she is who she is and you knew this.
  • 1) Bridal party dances are uncomfortable and awkard.  The bridal party does not enjoy it, and your guests do not care to see your closest friends dancing with one another.  So nix that.  How is putting your friends in an awkward situation something that is important to you?  And if you must have this, why can't this couple dance together?  You would rather have your friends on the same dance floor but with different partners because of some outdated tradition?  If you're going to insist that these people dance with one another, at least let those who are coupled do the dancing together.  Do you really think a guest will stop and say "goodness!  The Best Man just started dancing with a BRIDESMAID, not the MOH!  Call in the hounds to investigate!" 

    2) If she's always been difficult, expecting her to be a ray of sunshine now is just silly.  She's a difficult woman, no matter what the occasion, and you can't change (or expect to change) that about her simply because you're getting married.

    3) Bridal shower and bachelorette party planning is not for you to be involved in.  Tell your MOH "It would be inappropriate for me to be involved in this.  I appreciate your concern, but you'll need to work out the details with all of those hosting."  This is true- if your sister expects other people's money to go into these events, she needs to accept other people's opinions and ideas, as well.

    4) If she's really bothering you, stop involving her.  Tell her "FI and I are planning the wedding, but I'll let you know if we need help with anything." 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_difficult-bridesmaid-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:342d2f01-89d8-440d-8396-1ce789dc15d9Post:657a1f22-9541-4e2c-9820-0a6ac013fcb1">Re: Help me with my difficult bridesmaid! (LONG!!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm not having a maid and matron as both my sister and friend are married...plus the first dance is important to both me and FH and something we both want to have at the wedding.
    Posted by mace1313[/QUOTE]

    "It's MY money and I WANT IT NOW!"

    That's the tone I read your post in.
    Holy Crap. We survived the first year!
    http://tidetravel.weebly.com/index.html
    image
    Lilypie Third Birthday tickersLilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • The first dance and the WP dance are two different things.  The first dance is fine, the WP dance is something that no one has ever liked in the history of ever, don't put your friends through that.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • To clarify I'm not having a bridal party dance.  I was refing to how the bridal party usually joins into the tail end our first dance.  I had no plans on doing a seperate bridal party dance.  I agree that that would be awkward and wouldn't be something I would want to do either.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_difficult-bridesmaid-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:342d2f01-89d8-440d-8396-1ce789dc15d9Post:2fb2a568-0f8d-44c3-80bf-0954758ff341">Re: Help me with my difficult bridesmaid! (LONG!!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]To clarify I'm not having a bridal party dance.  I was refing to how the bridal party usually joins into the tail end our first dance.  I had no plans on doing a seperate bridal party dance.  I agree that that would be awkward and wouldn't be something I would want to do either.
    Posted by mace1313[/QUOTE]

    Don't do it though.  Just have the bridal party either stand around the dance floor or at their seats.  Do not ask them to join in on your first dance.  Let that be for the two of you only.  That takes care of one problem right away.
  • The awkward part isn't watching two separate dances.  The awkward part is watching the WP dance with strangers.  Don't make them do that.  It's a bad enough idea when everyone is willing to go along with it, the fact that you're meeting with any sort of resistance at all should be a giant neon sign telling you to just nix it.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Don't get involved with the bachelorette or shower planning. If someone said something unforigvable about my sister I would stand up for her, but if it's just fighting about party logistics don;t get involved.
  • I don't understand why this is so hard - nix having the WP join in with assigned partners.  If you absolutely must be joined at the end of your first dance, either have the DJ open up the dance floor to everyone or let the WP join in with their SOs.  Why you think it's appropriate to dictate who they have to dance with is beyond me.
    Planning Our Wedding - Updated 04/11/11
    imageWedding Countdown Ticker
    "If you can't think of something nice to say, don't say something nice" - Stephen Colbert
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_difficult-bridesmaid-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:342d2f01-89d8-440d-8396-1ce789dc15d9Post:2fb2a568-0f8d-44c3-80bf-0954758ff341">Re: Help me with my difficult bridesmaid! (LONG!!)</a>:
    [QUOTE]To clarify I'm not having a bridal party dance. <strong> I was refing to how the bridal party usually joins into the tail end our first dance.</strong>  I had no plans on doing a seperate bridal party dance.  I agree that that would be awkward and wouldn't be something I would want to do either.
    Posted by mace1313[/QUOTE]

    I've never seen/heard of this. It's not something that I would ever expect to see and I hadn't heard of it before your OP. Just get rid of it.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    Hawaii with my best friend =)
    Photobucket
  • Why can't the WP join you with their dates?  Why do they have to dance with each other?  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Don't assign dance partners. Let them dance (and sit!) with their dates. And just pick a color for the dresses and let everyone find one that they like. They don't have to match. Stop being so controlling because it makes you come across as bratty and Bridezilla-ish and juvenile.

    Oh, and nothing says you can't have two matrons of honor. Please, please listen to the good advice you're getting. Your friends and family will be grateful for being treated like more than props.
    image
  • Okay...one of my closest friends is one of my bridesmaids and I feel like I've had issues with her since I asked her to be a bridesmaid.  She can be difficult normally in our circle of friends but I guess I expected her to be a little bit more easy going since it is my wedding...

    Bad expectation.  People are who they are and that doesn't change no matter the circumstances.

    here are the issues I've been having: First, she was mad she was my maid of honor.  My sister is my matron of honor.  

    I imagine you meant to say that she's mad she's NOT your maid of honor?

    Her husband is my FH's best friend and therefore the bestmand in the wedding and she is upset that she won't get to walk wit him and get to dance with him when the bridal party joins in during the first dance. 

    You're right about the walking, it's a silly thing for her to be concerned about.  BUT... she's right about the dancing.  Please don't do a bridal party dance.  They're ridiculous.  Just invite EVERYONE out onto the dance floor to join in the first dance, so she can dance with her husband and your matron of honor can dance with hers.

    Then when I was stressing about finding a venue in the beginning and doing nothing but talking about the wedding right after my engagement because I was so excited, she said "omg, you're still stressing over that, all you do is talk about your wedding.  I don't see us being friends by the time this is over." I told her my feelings were really hurt and then stopped talking to her about my wedding.  

    It sounds like you made a mistake but handled it well in correcting it.  So that's in the past.  Let it go.

    Now that I am back in full swing of my wedding plans with my FH going back to work after being out hurt for 6 months she seems to want to be involved. I decided that I wanted to narrow the bridesmaid dress selection down to a few for the girls to choose from rather than have 7 girls run through the dress store picking out dresses and never get anywhere because they all liked the one they picked.  She wanted to be a part of this process, which I had no issue with, however our schedules did not coincide for this to happen so I went with just my sister/MOH and was mad and basically threatened to drop out of the wedding. 

    It also sounds like this is past tense and should just be let go.  Yes, she overreacted, but it sounds like she felt shafted because she was trying to be involved and you made other plans.  As long as it's now resolved, don't worry about it.

    Now she is arguing with my MOH about details for the bridal shower and bachellorette party that they are in the beginning stages of planning.  She is sending her emails and arguing with her on the phone.  My sister is pretty fed up already and they've barely started planning anything.  

    Let your MOH and/or sister deal with this.  It should be between them and you shouldn't be involved.  They're all wrong for bringing their problems to you.  They're theoretically adults, and you're not their mother.

    There are more things but I just can't put everything here...it would take too long. :) I'm really beside myself as to what to do.  I don't want to ruin my friendship with her, but I feel like she is making my wedding planning and now the planning that the bridesmaids are doing dificult every step of the way.  What do you recommend? 

    I pretty much put my recommendations throughout the post, but the biggest thing is:  Don't sweat it.  Seriously, none of this is huge or major, and none of it will ruin anything.  Just don't let it get to you.  Breathe, remember you're marrying a guy you love, and that's what's important.  The rest of this?  Minor stuff.
    You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. ~Mae West
  • Trust me, I hear ya!  I have/had a difficult bridesmaid who was my childhood best friend. She has always been a bit self absorbed but I figured the same as you...she will be more easy going since this is my special day.  Turns out I was also wrong to assume that this would be the case.  She called me and said "I just want to let you know your wedding is stressing me out!"  She has a little girl and we are having an adult only wedding. She bluntly told me that she was bringing her anyway because she refuses to leave her behind.  After an hour of stressing me out about EVERY aspect of my wedding (Including bringing her child to my bachlorette party) and the events leading up to the big day (the stories would blow your mind and are too long to tell)  I finally got off the phone and called my mother.  My mother (who is close to her as well) sent her an email asking her to relay any stressful situations to my mother and to leave me out of the mess as I have my whole wedding to plan and thats enough stress on a Bride (its 10 months away).  She was avoiding me like the plague so i took matters into my own hands.  I called and told her that maybe it was a little selfish of me to ask her to commit so much of her time to my wedding knowing that she had a little one to tend to and that it would be best for both of us if we alleviate the stress of her having to commit to the events, planning and time of my wedding.  I asked that there not be any hard feelings but it was too much to take on and I realize the stress and commitment was to much of me to ask of her.  Needless to say, she is no longer in my wedding party and I am back to planning.  As for her, I am sure that she is relieved that she got let off the hook and that I pulled the plug for her without any hard feelings.  

    Sometimes you just have to take matters into your own hands.  THIS IS YOUR WEDDING!  Don't let anyone stress you out! ESPECIALLY THOSE WHO ARE TO BE KEEPING YOU SANE! Its just not worth it and this should be a happy time for you! 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards