How to give WP members their responsibilities?

cello10star

None of our WP members have been in a wedding before- 3 groomsmen, 2 bridesmaids and a man of honor. In fact the only experienced one is the flower girl! How do I tell them what's expected of them, and when, without being a crazy bride?
I have already had some trouble with this- my bridesmaids don't want to go shopping for their own dresses.  I feel terrible for my poor fiance because none of the groomsmen has said anything about a bachelor party yet (our wedding is in two months) and he thinks no one is going to do anything. tips or suggestions?  thanks!

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_give-wp-members-their-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:34a7530b-0e0a-4c54-a8df-c4b3f8755125Post:6bf72ec6-b917-4222-8fd5-41e63886f95a">How to give WP members their responsibilities?</a>:
[QUOTE]None of our WP members have been in a wedding before- 3 groomsmen, 2 bridesmaids and a man of honor. In fact the only experienced one is the flower girl! How do I tell them what's expected of them, and when, without being a crazy bride? I have already had some trouble with this- my bridesmaids don't want to go shopping for their own dresses.  I feel terrible for my poor fiance because none of the groomsmen has said anything about a bachelor party yet (our wedding is in two months) and he thinks no one is going to do anything. tips or suggestions?  thanks!
Posted by cello10star[/QUOTE]

1) You do understand that their only responsibilities are to get attire and show up, right?  Things like a b-party are nice and traditional, but not a duty or responsibility.  There's no way to ask for things like that without looking selfish.

2) For the dress, first ask them their budget for dresses.  Once you have that, send some options for things you like in that budget, and send some dates that work for shopping.  If they don't want to go, ask them if they just want you to pick something for them. 

emilyinchile

MNIN has got it right.

cello10star

Personally I consider it rude to not follow tradition unless specifically asked not to. I wouldn't accept an honor without trying to understand what it entails and doing my best to live up to it. But I guess I'm in the minority.

SassyBrass

First, don't worry about guys planning a bachelor party. Guys don't plan stuff. They'll call one another and say "hey man, wings and beer @ [insert place]" or something along those lines. Most in advance, generously, a week.
Really all of that stuff with parties is just a perk. Nobody is expected to do it for you. If it's something that's THAT important, plan it yourself.
Now the dress thing, I agree the thing to do is ask them about their budget, or if they want you to get them for them, etc.
The attire and presence of your WP is the responsibility. Everthing else is icing on the cake.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_give-wp-members-their-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:34a7530b-0e0a-4c54-a8df-c4b3f8755125Post:25c39f57-9151-4baa-a4d4-b60c9762c2cf">Re: How to give WP members their responsibilities?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I consider it rude to not follow tradition unless specifically asked not to. I wouldn't accept an honor without trying to understand what it entails and doing my best to live up to it. But I guess I'm in the minority.
Posted by cello10star[/QUOTE]

That's great - I'm sure you're a wonderful BM, and as a BM I too would do more than the minimum. But since you're not the BM in this case, you can't EXPECT more than the minimum. You can hope for it, sure, but you would be in the wrong to demand it. Ditto for the GMs. And I agree with PP - boys don't always plan. FI had a last-minute bach party and had just as much fun as I did at my bach party that was planned weeks in advance. Hopefully it'll turn out that your FI's friends are just more last minute than yours.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_give-wp-members-their-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:34a7530b-0e0a-4c54-a8df-c4b3f8755125Post:25c39f57-9151-4baa-a4d4-b60c9762c2cf">Re: How to give WP members their responsibilities?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I consider it rude to not follow tradition unless specifically asked not to. I wouldn't accept an honor without trying to understand what it entails and doing my best to live up to it. But I guess I'm in the minority.
Posted by cello10star[/QUOTE]

<div>You can't import your values onto other people.  It's not a fair expectation and you'll only set yourself up for disappointment.</div><div>
</div><div>That said, is this really out of character for them?  If not this shouldn't be any sort of surprise.  If they're normally flaky/wait-for-the-last-minute people, they will continue to do so for your wedding.  It's just their nature.</div><div>
</div><div>If this is a real departure, then you don't have a wedding problem, you have a friend problem.  And need to look at both them and yourself: have you been a little too "weddingy" for them?  Have you had a long engagement and now they're burned out?  Look at them: Are they going through something in their lives?  </div><div>
</div><div>Let's say for the sake of argument you've done everything 100% right and your friends have really dropped the ball here.  It's totally fine to be disappointed in them.  No one will begrudge you that.  But think of how it would look if you decided to "give them their responsibilities."  How much do you really think it would help the situation?  I assure you that it's not likely they're clueless about what being a BM traditionally entails.  So I doubt it's ignorance.  For one reason or another, they're choosing not to do these things.  Do you think it will really help the situation to go "wedding police" on them and tell them they need to get on the ball?  Of course not.  It will only make things worse.  They will not say "I'm so sorry!  You're right, we've been terrible friends and will make this up to you, I promise!"  They will say something along the lines of, "Oh, right," and probably continue doing what they were doing, with the added resentment of being treated like children or staff.  Nobody likes a bride who demands what she thinks she has coming to her.  Even the most enthusiastic friends.  I'm not saying that's what you're doing, but that is how it will likely be interpreted.</div><div>
</div><div>The GM are your FI's responsibility.  My DH's GM didn't start planning it until about 3 weeks before the wedding and held it the weekend before.  I'm sure they'll throw something together but YOU should say nothing.</div>

SarahPLiz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_give-wp-members-their-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:34a7530b-0e0a-4c54-a8df-c4b3f8755125Post:ee86689b-087c-448f-9e45-7aa8c1c99990">Re: How to give WP members their responsibilities?</a>:
[QUOTE]First, don't worry about guys planning a bachelor party. Guys don't plan stuff. They'll call one another and say "hey man, wings and beer @ [insert place]" or something along those lines. Most in advance, generously, a week. Really all of that stuff with parties is just a perk. Nobody is expected to do it for you. If <strong>it's something that's THAT important, plan it yourself.</strong> Now the dress thing, I agree the thing to do is ask them about their budget, or if they want you to get them for them, etc. The attire and presence of your WP is the responsibility. Everthing else is icing on the cake.
Posted by SassyBrass[/QUOTE]

It is supremely rude to plan parties in honor of your own wedding. VERY rude, and gift grabby. Don't follow this advice.

mbcdefg

There's a difference between "tradition" and "responsibility." "Tradition" means that something is common and a lot of people in your circle do it. "Responsibility" means that it's someone's obligation to do something.

It is never, never, NEVER appropriate for a bride to just hand out responsibilities, whether you think the BMs have them or not. You are certainly allowed to ask politely for help if you'd like it, but you cannot demand it, because it is not their job. If you want people to have jobs, then pay them.

It is NEVER appropriate for you to ask or assign someone to throw you a party. Not only is that a part of wedding etiquette, but it's just common sense and basic good manners.

You said you would never be a BM without doing some nice stuff for the bride. Wonderful. So trust in your friends to do the same ... you shouldn't have to assign them or remind them of things you think are their "responsibilities." They're either going to do it or they won't. If they don't feel like helping you stuff invitations or throwing you a shower, then they probably aren't going to do it if you assign them those tasks. And it will only make YOU look like the selfish person in the end, not them.

stina93446

Showers and B parties are gifts to the bride and groom.....GIFTS, as in given by some one else. Do not plan your B party yourself as Sassy suggested. 

BMs don't have duties. I know you want them to want to help you and plan stuff like parties for you, but if they don't offer, SOL. You can always ask for help, but know that they can decline. As a bride, I knew not to expect anything. As a bm, I knew to offer as much as possible to the bride so long as I had the time.....but not everyone does this.....

trix1223

Stage, you are wonderful.  OP, read what stage said.  Then read what EVERYONE else said.  Because they're all right.  Then do what they all say.  Because they're all right.

SassyBrass

I do agree with you Sarah, I don't find it right to plan parties for yourself. I just meant that if it's something that you expect someone else to do for you, and you're going to be disgusted that they aren't doing what you yourself would do, don't be pissed. It was more sarcasm than suggestion. It would be WAY selfish for sure!

mags0607

read the other wonderful advice given, and then follow it. Problem solved.

prttypancake

I disagree with some of the advice that others have given. When someone accepts a place in your wedding party, they should understand that there are responsibilites that come with that. They should be ready and willing to help with as much as they can.
While yes it would be greedy to expect gifts and parties in your honor, there may be many people in your family and friends who would be happy to attend a shower if one was thrown for you. Another way to bring this up to your WP without being greedy is to let them know that other guests have asked you about it. (of course, this only works if that is true)

bablingbrooke

No, prtty, there's no way to do any of that without coming across as entitled. 

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_give-wp-members-their-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:34a7530b-0e0a-4c54-a8df-c4b3f8755125Post:f74ae59e-f31b-40d2-a174-c427608caa2f">Re: How to give WP members their responsibilities?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with some of the advice that others have given. When someone accepts a place in your wedding party, they should understand that there are responsibilites that come with that. They should be ready and willing to help with as much as they can. While yes it would be greedy to expect gifts and parties in your honor, there may be many people in your family and friends who would be happy to attend a shower if one was thrown for you. Another way to bring this up to your WP without being greedy is to let them know that other guests have asked you about it. (of course, this only works if that is true)
Posted by prttypancake[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, yeah, because dropping hints and making remarks sure would make me want to fall all over myself for a selfish bride.</div><div>
</div><div>The only responsibilities and requirement of being a BM are getting a dress and showing up.  Sure most of us do more than that, and it's nice when BMs do, but that doesn't mean they are suddenly responsible for all this stuff.  They aren't.</div>

banana468

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_give-wp-members-their-responsibilities?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:34a7530b-0e0a-4c54-a8df-c4b3f8755125Post:f74ae59e-f31b-40d2-a174-c427608caa2f">Re: How to give WP members their responsibilities?</a>:
[QUOTE]I disagree with some of the advice that others have given. When someone accepts a place in your wedding party, they should understand that there are responsibilites that come with that. They should be ready and willing to help with as much as they can. While yes it would be greedy to expect gifts and parties in your honor, there may be many people in your family and friends who would be happy to attend a shower if one was thrown for you. Another way to bring this up to your WP without being greedy is to let them know that other guests have asked you about it. (of course, this only works if that is true)
Posted by prttypancake[/QUOTE]


The WP responsibilities are buying the dress and being there for the bride on the big day.  That really is it.  Beyond that, it would be inappropriate to ask for more.

megandjay

I disagree a little with PPs, I think that asking the BMs to go shopping for their dresses is very reasonable and considerate!

If your BMs don't want to go shopping for dresses, contact them, ask for a budget and then send them a few pics of dresses you found within that price range. If they are fine with those dresses, go ahead and have them order. However, if they have issues with the dresses you pick, give them a choice to go shopping or buy the one you picked.

Let your FI deal with his guys.