Wedding Party
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Wedding party

Re: Wedding party

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    That's so sad. The poor girl :(

    I would personally just tell her that you will support whatever decision she makes, and if possible I would go ahead and just order the dress on your own dime in case she changes her mind. If she decides to step down, you can always try to sell the dress, or donate it to a worthy cause (charities that donate prom gowns to underprivileged girls, maybe?).

    If it's not possible for you to pay for the gown right now, I would still leave the invitation open for her to be your MOH. If she decides later on to stick with it, and you can't rush-order the dress for her or find it on eBay or something, she can always wear something a little different. Maids of Honor often wear a color/style different from the other bridesmaids - plus, your friend being there with you is WAY more important than a specific dress.

    It's natural to feel bummed at the thought of her not being there, but please take a step back from feeling hurt over this. She's not doing it to slight you, say that your wedding/friendship isn't important, etc. Her mother just died, and her whole world is probably in shambles right now. She has NO concept of time or when it'd be "appropriate" to remain in a wedding, or drop out of it, at this point in time. Cut her some slack.

    You don't need to name a new MOH or bring in someone to fill her slot. Just go on with whoever you have left. You can figure it out at the rehearsal who'll stand next to you and hold your bouquet and stuff.

    Just be there for your friend right now however she needs you to be, and the wedding stuff will work itself out eventually. You can technically figure it out a day or two before the wedding if she'll participate and what she'll wear, if you have to.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-mother-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:360df49d-5dbc-4c77-9bd0-54293c6a5567Post:61369192-ad05-4b16-a2ea-8b312bfa1e60">MOH's Mother Passed Away</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is not until September.  About little over a week ago my MOH's mother passed away.  It has been very emotional.  I spoke with her the other night and she told me that she doesn't think she can even stand up let alone be my MOH.  I am very understanding for her.  I can't even imagine what she is going through, so I told her I was fine with it.  I will go ahead and cancel her dress this week because the order has to be finalized. <strong>I honestly don't think I would cancel the dress order just yet. The worst case scenario would be that you are left with a never worn dress that you could always sell. Your friend has every right to feel this way about your wedding since she just lost her Mom. But I do think that if you give her some time to grieve and heal, things might be better for her in Sept. I am not saying she won't still be grieving, but given that her Mom just passed away, I think it is a little bit of a rash decision for you to run off and cancel her dress order right away. </strong>I would be lying if I said my feelings weren't deeply hurt as well.  I also feel like everything is so fresh as to what happened and it was very soon to make that big of a decision. <strong>See my answer above. </strong>My question is where do I go from here? Should I pick another one of my friends to be my MOH (I also have 2 very close friends stand up, but I wouldn't want them to feel like they are just my 2nd choice)? <strong>No, do not replace her even if she decides in Sept not to stand up for your. Really, all she has to do is stand up for you. As long as you understand that she is not required to plan your bach party or plan any other pre-wedding events, I don't see any reason why she can't still be your MOH. </strong>Do I even need to have an MOH? <strong>No, a MOH is not required. </strong>Do I not do anything hoping she will change her mind 4 months down the road?<strong> Right now,  I think you just need to be there for her and support her. Don't even talk about your wedding in front of her. If she asks, tell her you would still love for her to stand beside you if she is still willing. If she starts telling you she can't plan any bridal showers or anything for you, please understand and reassure it is perfectly okay and that you would rather her stand up for you than host any of those parties. </strong>
    Posted by zalec1kd[/QUOTE]
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-mother-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:360df49d-5dbc-4c77-9bd0-54293c6a5567Post:61369192-ad05-4b16-a2ea-8b312bfa1e60">MOH's Mother Passed Away</a>:
    [QUOTE]My wedding is not until September.  About little over a week ago my MOH's mother passed away.  It has been very emotional.  I spoke with her the other night and she told me that she doesn't think she can even stand up let alone be my MOH.  I am very understanding for her.  I can't even imagine what she is going through, so I told her I was fine with it.  I will go ahead and cancel her dress this week because the order has to be finalized. I would be lying if I said my feelings weren't deeply hurt as well.  I also feel like everything is so fresh as to what happened and it was very soon to make that big of a decision. My question is where do I go from here? Should I pick another one of my friends to be my MOH (I also have 2 very close friends stand up, but I wouldn't want them to feel like they are just my 2nd choice)? Do I even need to have an MOH? Do I not do anything hoping she will change her mind 4 months down the road?
    Posted
    by zalec1kd[/QUOTE]

    Please think about this.  Your friend is speaking from a place of raw grief right now.  Call her back and tell her that you don't expect her to even think about your wedding now but to do whatever she needs to do to get through this awful time in her life.

    If you really need to cancel her dress because the "order has to be finalized", then be sure she knows that she can show up in any dress she has if she changes her mind between now and September.  After all, what's more important, having her by your side, or having matching dresses?

    And in the name of all that's holy,  don't replace her, whether she changes her mind or not.  It would show her that she's not your closest friend, but an easily replaceable cast member in your wedding.  I know that you don't want her thinking that.

    Call your friend, not your MOH.  Your friend needs you now, not as a MOH, but as someone who loves her.

    My thoughts go out to your friend as she's suffering this great loss.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
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    Don't do anything right now, and no matter what happens, do not replace your MOH.  Do not promote a BM; do not ask someone else.  Leave that spot empty.

    Be a friend.  Put your wedding aside (trust me, I know how hard that is to do) for now, and be there for your friend. Give her time, and understand her decision either way.

    If you need to cancel the dress now, and your MOH changes her mind, don't let lack of a matching dress keep her from being in the wedding party.
    image
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-mother-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:360df49d-5dbc-4c77-9bd0-54293c6a5567Post:99a8e7e9-52da-44a2-a00d-f2754a6a6bdd">Re: MOH's Mother Passed Away</a>:
    [QUOTE]That's so sad. The poor girl :( I would personally just tell her that you will support whatever decision she makes, and if possible I would go ahead and just order the dress on your own dime in case she changes her mind. If she decides to step down, you can always try to sell the dress, or donate it to a worthy cause (charities that donate prom gowns to underprivileged girls, maybe?). If it's not possible for you to pay for the gown right now, I would still leave the invitation open for her to be your MOH. If she decides later on to stick with it, and you can't rush-order the dress for her or find it on eBay or something, she can always wear something a little different. Maids of Honor often wear a color/style different from the other bridesmaids - plus, your friend being there with you is WAY more important than a specific dress. It's natural to feel bummed at the thought of her not being there, but please take a step back from feeling hurt over this. She's not doing it to slight you, say that your wedding/friendship isn't important, etc. Her mother just died, and her whole world is probably in shambles right now. She has NO concept of time or when it'd be "appropriate" to remain in a wedding, or drop out of it, at this point in time. Cut her some slack. You don't need to name a new MOH or bring in someone to fill her slot. Just go on with whoever you have left. You can figure it out at the rehearsal who'll stand next to you and hold your bouquet and stuff. Just be there for your friend right now however she needs you to be, and the wedding stuff will work itself out eventually. You can technically figure it out a day or two before the wedding if she'll participate and what she'll wear, if you have to.
    Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

    This. Very well said.

    IIs she married? I imagine that if not, doing wedding things with you would be painful because it would just make her think about the time when she will be planning her wedding and how her Mom won't be there to see it. Just give her time and be there for her - don't replace her and keep the invitation open. She's probably just broken right now and needs her best friend.
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    Thanks for all the responses.  I agree with all the suggestions.  When It comes to the dress its really not that important if it ends up matching everyone elses or not if she changes her mind.  I'd rather have her next to me in a sweatsuit as opposed to her not being there.

    Pixiedust84, no she is not married.  That is also an issue with her and a reason why I think in the end she just wont be able to do it.  She has been dating her boyfriend for about 4 years and our conversations before things happened with her mom revolved around marrying him.  Why hasn't he asked me yet, and things like that.  Her mom had been sick for awhile and that has been a big fear for her that she wouldn't be there to see her get married.

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_mohs-mother-passed-away?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:360df49d-5dbc-4c77-9bd0-54293c6a5567Post:37011f29-1a16-4905-8545-216079805625">Re: MOH's Mother Passed Away</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for all the responses.  I agree with all the suggestions.  When It comes to the dress its really not that important if it ends up matching everyone elses or not if she changes her mind.  I'd rather have her next to me in a sweatsuit as opposed to her not being there. Pixiedust84, no she is not married.  That is also an issue with her and a reason why I think in the end she just wont be able to do it.  She has been dating her boyfriend for about 4 years and our conversations before things happened with her mom revolved around marrying him.  Why hasn't he asked me yet, and things like that.  Her mom had been sick for awhile and that has been a big fear for her that she wouldn't be there to see her get married.
    Posted by zalec1kd[/QUOTE]

    That's so awful for her :-( I'm glad she has you to be a good friend to her right now.
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