What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...

Pamtroy

Hi Everyone,

I've read a number of the very helpful posts and (sadly) learned you should not un-ask someone to be in your wedding.  My oldest, and not very dearest friend any longer is a very unhappy person.  Your first thought, I'm sure is-why ask her?  I know.  It was out of guilt.  I KNOW.  I hoped in a very unrealistic way that this would help the friendship, much like having a kid to save a marriage will fix things.  That was my mistake.  

The plans I've made so far are the date, the location, the wedding party and that this is an adult only day.  This party member has complained at length about each of these things-to other people, not to me, save her child not being in or invited to the wedding.  She hasn't stopped talking about that.

Plenty of little birdies have given me the quiet heads up about her unhappiness, their attempts to assist--as in they will share a hotel room, the drive to the wedding, etc.

My question is--if she continues to rant, kvetch and complain-after all my more than polite attempts to tell her how it is, that I will not change my plans to suit her (not hire her friend's band, move the wedding location (yeah, she asked) or have her kid in it) can I say, "SO DON'T BE IN IT THEN?" or is that too out of line?  Any advice or cold dose of reality is appreciated.  Thanks.

mbcdefg

Limit your contact with her if she's complaining. There's really no reason you "need" to be interacting with her (wedding-wise) other than letting her know when/where to get the dress, and when/where she needs to be on the wedding day. If you're interacting with her a lot now because you're inviting her to pre-wedding events or planning sessions, stop doing that.

If her kid is older and there's no reason why he can't be left safely at home with a sitter or his dad, just say, "Sorry that you're upset, but we just can't accommodate children at the wedding. If you want some help finding a sitter in the wedding area, let me know and I will help you find one to watch him while you're at the wedding. If you feel that you'd rather stay home with him, of course I understand." If she refuses those options but still complains, ignore her.

If her kid is very small, breastfeeding and/or has special needs, cut her some slack and see if there's a way you can accommodate the kid. Either by inviting him to the wedding or providing an on-site babysitter so she can check in on him once in a while.

If she's complaining about things that don't concern her (colors or theme, your dress, etc.), ignore her.

bablingbrooke

If you don't talk to her about wedding plans, she can't complain about them.  

i3rooke

I guess you are kind of stuck, because you knew she was a downer when you asked her. Try to stick it out and be positive. They always say, "Misery Loves Company" and hers seems to be working on you. Remember that this is your happy day and her opinion does not matter. Oh, and if you ignore her comments she might drop out anyway, you never know. Good Luck!

Beachy730

Has she said anything directly to you, or just mutual friends?  If she says anything right to you then you could say something like "I'm sorry but this is something we have already decided."  Ditto PP on saying about "If you prefer to stay home with him I'll understand." 

saisongbird

The only way you can do what you want to do is if you're prepared to end the friendship completely AND be known as a bridezilla.  Otherwise, just don't talk about the wedding with her.  Yes, she should want to talk about it with you, but not all bridesmaids do, and yes it sucks - many of us have been through that.  But you have to ignore her and plan your wedding the way that you and your FI want to plan it.

Pamtroy

You all make excellent points.  Thank you so much!

tidetravel

The other option, that I haven't seen mentioned, is that you can just end the friendship with her.  If you're not close, and you no longer want to be friends with her, then it's ok to end it.  Don't make it about the wedding, though.  If the friendship is over, then the WP issues will work themselves out in the wash.

kmabjo

I think I may be one the other side of things. She is not happy, you are not happy, your friendship was not that great anyway. Let her know you have heard of her concerns and that if she is that unhappy, she do  snot need to be in your wedding.

Sometimes being nice does not help anyone out. We sugarcoat too much in society today and are too scared to hurt someones feelings. Sometimes feelings need to get hurt.

I say kick her to the curb.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-continues-complainand-complainand-complain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36fd2dc5-17f4-457c-bdcd-a411f19e298bPost:adf1bfcc-1022-44c3-98cd-2c1279433b5c">Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...</a>:
[QUOTE]I think I may be one the other side of things. She is not happy, you are not happy, your friendship was not that great anyway. Let her know you have heard of her concerns and that if she is that unhappy, she do  snot need to be in your wedding. Sometimes being nice does not help anyone out. We sugarcoat too much in society today and are too scared to hurt someones feelings. Sometimes feelings need to get hurt. I say kick her to the curb.
Posted by kmabjo[/QUOTE]

Wow.  What a peach.

stagetek23

You still have time to find a replacement. I am sorry all the "rules" say you should k eep her. It is YOUR wedding not hers and why have someone destroy it becuas she seems to want it to be about her.  Kick her out! Nicely just say You feel that since she is objecting to everything about your wedding and it is an problem for her that you are helping her out by releaving her of her duties so that if she wants to attend she can but doesn't have all the pressure. 

I am sure she will complain about that but it seems that nothing will make her happy.

You still have time to find another gal and if not...no big deal.  Have the people who are the closest to you at your wedding.

bablingbrooke

kasi and stage, while well-intentioned, your advice is very short-sighted.  It places far too much importance on the one-day party and not enough on the long life to be lived after it.  You need your friends just as much after marriage as you do before, and you don't want your actions during the wedding to cost you a friendship that you would have wanted to keep after the wedding.  Yes, her friend is being a PITA.  But if she doesn't otherwise want to end the friendship (and I have no indication from her that she does), she should just let this roll of her back.

mrstfuture

Wow people, throw stones in your glass houses much?  An opinion was asked and kmabjo simply gave her's.  Just because you don't like or agree with an opinion does not give you the right to condemn.  Do I agree that a friendship needs to be kicked to the curb?  Well , yes, it sometimes does.  Relationships are always changing, and if that means you being the adult to realize when a friendship is over, so be it.

If you do decide to "un-ask" her or "kick her to the curb" please remember that friendship will never be the same again.  Please ask yourself what is more important.  If you don't value the friendship the way you once did, move on. 

[Deleted User]

I have a brides maid who actually told my MOH (sister) that she shouldn't be my MOH. She also told my sister that it was her daughter and not my other BM's daughter, that should be my flower girl. After being let down easy on that idea she promptly suggested that I have two flower girls and that since we had been friends so long that I should do it because of our relationship. Then she didn't want to stay in the accomodations I was providing. Since she is single she would share with another of my single BMs. Then I offered to pay for her dress since she will be paying for her own seperate accomodations. Now I have bought her dress and she is asking for me to help pay for her accomodations since she doesn't have alot of money. Most of her complaining has been done to my sister, and I have not kicked her out of the wedding yet. However it has become a source of concern for me and the rest of my BMs. She's the kind of gal who loves to tell embarassing stories from when we were kids in order to bring people down a knotch. Needless to say our friendship has been very thin for a few years. I asked her to be a BM out of obligation. I have not kicked her out of my wedding YET. But to be honest, it's coming. I refuse to tip toe around my own bride's maids. That is rediculous. And as for the rules and who is going to judge me for who I have or don't have in my wedding, well sometimes you just have to stand up and say enough is enough. I am blessed enough to have friends and family who understand.

spechtholdn

I have a friend (very close friend) who sounds like your brisdemaid. She tends to be a downer, and says things that she just shouldn't say, and complains, and wants people to accomodate her, but she's still one of my best friends. She will be a bridesmaid and I would never think of kicking her out. The reason I say this first is because we have an open relationship, where if she is acting innapropriately, I tell her and knock her a$$ off her high horse. A lot of times my friend just doesn't realize that she's being really obnoxious. So maybe yours doesn't either?! I'd suggest actually talking to her before kicking her out or ending the friendship.

bablingbrooke

::headdesk::

I cannot believe you people honestly think that a five-hour party is worth ending a friendship over.  I cannot believe it.  It's a PARTY.  And no, I'm not some bitter old hag who was disappointed in her wedding.  I loved my wedding, I wish I could get married every year.  But I put it in context: it was a party.  A wonderful party, but still a party.  My sister complained about everything, was a real PITA, and actually did try to ruin several pre-wedding events.  I did not kick her out.  I am SO glad today that I didn't.  We didn't have a great relationship at the time, but it's improving now.  Would that be a possibility if I'd decided to kick her out for not being excited enough for me?  Hell no.  And guess what: it didn't ruin the wedding.  No impact.  I barely noticed anything she did.  I was too busy having fun.  This will be true for you to.  DO NOT end a friendship because of someone's complaints over the wedding.  You will more likely than not regret it, look like a bridezilla, and cast a pall over everything else related to the wedding.

LD1970

Stage, what if the bridesmaid just hits on OP's FI?  'Cause if she SLEPT with the FI, I'm pretty sure the wedding shouldn't be happening anyway.

The whole "kick her to the curb" thing is ridiculous.  This is ONE day.  Sorry, I don't believe friendship should be nearly that transient, and I think people who do think that suck.

Speaking of friendship, there's nothing wrong with treating a friend like a friend.  "Hey, friend, I love you, but you're really hurting my feelings when you disparage my wedding plans" is not an out of line statement to make.  It doesn't mean "get the hell out of my wedding" and it doesn't mean "I'm a doormat."  It means, "we're friends and I can be honest with you."  And it's more about the friendship than the wedding.

discordiasa

If you havent heard her complain, or if she hasn't complained to you, then ignore it...for now. If you hear her talking about HER issuses with YOUR wedding, confront her. Tell her that its your wedding, and that you and your fiance have planned it the way you want. I agree with some others when they say that maybe help her find a sitter close to the reception, so she can check in with her child (or children). But, if she really did ask you to move your reception/ceremony site, then I think she has some issues. Tell her how it is, and let her know that if she doesnt like the way you are planning your wedding, she doesnt need to attend. That gives her the option to suck it up, or walk away.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-continues-complainand-complainand-complain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36fd2dc5-17f4-457c-bdcd-a411f19e298bPost:5b955f3c-3338-48a5-9921-51e9f27efe2d">Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...</a>:
[QUOTE] Tell her how it is, and let her know that if she doesnt like the way you are planning your wedding, she doesnt need to attend. That gives her the option to suck it up, or walk away.
Posted by discordiasa[/QUOTE]
That's still awfully harsh.  I don't think it's necessary to get that blunt on this.

mrsjustinm2b

Its a big expensive party but it is JUST A PARTY. If this person is being that much of a pain in the ass sit her down and have it out and let her know her concerns have filtered down to you and that you dont want to put someone out for ONE DAY but that its too big of a planning nightmare to change plans everytime someone isnt happy so if she has any concerns please share now so you can come up with a solution together or maybe just quitcher bitchin! lol

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-continues-complainand-complainand-complain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36fd2dc5-17f4-457c-bdcd-a411f19e298bPost:8a7737e5-a23d-4fdf-91ab-de7eda27813e">Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain... : Um, I told her to just ignore it and deal with it.  How is that putting a one day party before the friendship?  I'm confused....
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]
I think she was talking to the "new stage"... this one:  stagetek23

LD1970

It's better than you being SM!  'Cause that's a whole different kind of website.

LD1970

On the legal sites, I suppose.  

bablingbrooke

Yes, I was talking to the new stage!  Sorry for the confusion!

bablingbrooke

Retread, you seem a bit off lately, everything alright?  You've been kinda jumpy toward me and Stage lately, and I honestly can't figure anything we did to deserve it.

Pamtroy

...Wow, I'm away a couple of days and bam--thread explosion!  Thank you all for your thoughts and suggestions and banter.  I don't want to end a 24 year friendship.  I want her to pull her head out of whatever orifice it's been stuck in.  

My friend has been miserable for years, she needs help on many levels and steadfastly states she can take care of herself.  I'm frustrated with the situation, and know that you can't help others that won't help themselves.  I'm impatient.  I needed to vent my frustrations and get opinions from those not in the situation (that was you, so thanks!) before my simmer became a boil and I said something wildly inappropriate. 

caitlyn.crotty

Hasn't anyone ever heard of a BridesMAIDzilla?! The same thing happened to me. It's MISERABLE. You really can't ignore it, and you know what, it's YOUR day. A bridesmaid's job is not a new concept! She's supposed to be a friend and LESSEN your anxiety, not contribute to it. It's completely unfair and unrealistic to think that the bride has to deal with such childish drama. It's something you need to handle gracefully and artfully...let HER be the one to say she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding. Then you can tell her you love and and you aren't upset with her, you understand her decision. Done. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE THIS STRESS! Literally, I was in this EXACT situation. I ended up talking to her, she yelled at me and complained about everything, and said "I don't even think I want to be a part of this anymore"...and I said okay, it really sounds like that's best. And that was the end of it. If she's not being a good friend, it's not your fault. Sometimes letting someone go is the best thing you can do, even if they've been around forever. If your friendship is meant to be, she'll realize she was wrong and she'll come back. It's not the end of the world. But I have to say again, it's NOT worth it, you should NOT deal with her crap. Don't "should" yourself to death! Just do what feels right to you.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_she-continues-complainand-complainand-complain?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:36fd2dc5-17f4-457c-bdcd-a411f19e298bPost:b40ba8d7-a85f-4f0d-9bc1-dd7c01ac583e">Re: What if she continues to complain...and complain...and complain...</a>:
[QUOTE]Hasn't anyone ever heard of a BridesMAIDzilla?! The same thing happened to me. It's MISERABLE. You really can't ignore it, and you know what, it's YOUR day. A bridesmaid's job is not a new concept! She's supposed to be a friend and LESSEN your anxiety, not contribute to it. It's completely unfair and unrealistic to think that the bride has to deal with such childish drama. It's something you need to handle gracefully and artfully...let HER be the one to say she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding. Then you can tell her you love and and you aren't upset with her, you understand her decision. Done. YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE THIS STRESS! Literally, I was in this EXACT situation. I ended up talking to her, she yelled at me and complained about everything, and said "I don't even think I want to be a part of this anymore"...and I said okay, it really sounds like that's best. And that was the end of it. If she's not being a good friend, it's not your fault. Sometimes letting someone go is the best thing you can do, even if they've been around forever. If your friendship is meant to be, she'll realize she was wrong and she'll come back. It's not the end of the world. But I have to say again, it's NOT worth it, you should NOT deal with her crap. Don't "should" yourself to death! Just do what feels right to you.
Posted by caitlyn.crotty@gmail.com[/QUOTE]
No.  Just no.

The Brownings to be

I think you now have every right to turn around and say, if you really are that unhapppy with my wedding and the arrangements we are making for our wedding, we'd understand if you want to change your mind on being involved and coming to the day now...

It's your wedding, and you have to be the one that's happy, calm and excited all at the same time, and you don't want anyone arond you that might risk spoiling the most amazing day of your life.....

I wish you well with your wedding and your friendship..  xx

bablingbrooke

That's it, I give up on this thread.  OP has her head on straight, that's all that matters.

cjc3

This exact thing happened to me, except it was my future sister-in-law...definately someone you HAVE to ask to be a bridesmaid and someone you DO NOT want to un-ask.

I focused more on my two other bridesmaids, my sister and best friend (who might as well be my sister) who would do practically anything to ensure my wedding was perfect.  They were very supportive and gave good advice, so I brought almost all thoughts and questions to them, leaving the "bad bridesmaid" out of it until the decision had pretty much been made.  Once or twice, I even tossed her a decision I didn't really care about so she could feel like she had input or control over something (example, I let her pick the color of the shoes, since I couldn't decide). I also made sure my realable girls knew the situation so that, on the wedding day, they would be prepared to squire me away (or the other bridesmaid away from me) if things looked like they might erupt into tears. In the mentime, keep her at an arm's length.

In the end, however, a bridesmaid's job is to make the bride's life easier. And there is NO excuse for anyone making you feel guilty about YOUR wedding.  And althogh it really is a last effort, worst case scenario decision, there is a chance you might have to cut her loose. It will suck, and she will be pissed, but the question is if its for the best.

In my case, the problem bridesmaid eventually had a tantrum about how she hated our choices/decisions so much that she didn't think she wanted to be a bridesmaid anymore, to which my fiance said, "O.K." She sort of half-quit, and we did half-fire her. And its much, much better now. If this happens to you, just don't make a big deal out of it. let the pertinent people know, but don't announce it or draw attention to your friend. 

Good luck! I know it sucks.