MOH wedding a week before mine, in another state???

MeganT13

My MOH and her boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years and are getting serious but he hasn't proposed to her yet. When her and I talk about wedding stuff, she mentions that she wants to get married the last week of Sept. 2011. Which would be great, if that wasn't the week before my wedding. Mine and FI's wedding will be 5 1/2 years in the making by the time we get married. I feel really bad but I don't know how to politely tell her that not only does this really bother me, but also that in this economy it was difficult enough to pay for my own wedding and then to add on a trip to CO from MN for hers a week before? I don't want to be rude, or lose my friend/MOH, so I how do I go about telling her?

andy71781

I don't see how this is a problem.  You would have to pay for traveling to her wedding even if it were a week before yours.  You can't tell her when her wedding date should be.  Period.

My sister got married a month before I did.  She was my MOH.  It was hard for other reasons but overall it didn't have any effect on our respective weddings.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-wedding-week-before-mine-another-state?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3979d36b-8a3a-40de-afcf-c56c61ef06faPost:58bffea2-10de-4fb8-8c1b-ceca2b457279">MOH wedding a week before mine, in another state???</a>:
[QUOTE]My MOH and her boyfriend have been together for almost 2 years and are getting serious but he hasn't proposed to her yet. When her and I talk about wedding stuff, she mentions that she wants to get married the last week of Sept. 2011. Which would be great, if that wasn't the week before my wedding. Mine and FI's wedding will be 5 1/2 years in the making by the time we get married. I feel really bad but I don't know how to politely tell her that not only does this really bother me, but also that <strong>in this economy it was difficult enough to pay for my own wedding and then to add on a trip to CO from MN for hers a week before?</strong> I don't want to be rude, or lose my friend/MOH, so I how do I go about telling her?
Posted by MeganT13[/QUOTE]

<div>Isn't she doing the same thing?! She is ALSO planning a wedding. You need to remember that you only get one day and while it might not be ideal for her to put her wedding the weekend before yours, you can't do anything about it. If you say anything to her about it, it will make you look bad and maybe even bridezilla-ish. So the best advice is to say nothing to her, and to only be happy for her. (PS the amount of time that you've been together vs how long she's been together with HER boyfriend is very childish.)</div>

Manwaithiel

You get one day. Not a week, two weeks, a month, a season, etc. She's going to be in the same boat as you. At least you won't have to mess with your honeymoon or anything for yours.

It'll be fine.

AdeleDazeem

I agree with Stina, she will have to do the same thing.

You also have the benefit of knowing in advance - save some money for it in addition to saving for your own wedding!

And remember, you are one guest at her wedding and she will have many many other people involved.  If that date works best for them and their families, then that is what they will go with regardless of what you think.  Forgive me, but it's quite selfish to think that they will change their date because of you and you alone.

EDIT: of course telling her you simply can't make it given the timing is a perfectly acceptable response as well.  It may not be what you'd like to say, but if money dictates that it is so, then what can you do?

aerinpegadrak

I don't see how this is a problem.  It means you're probably going to have to manage your time and your planning very wisely so attending her wedding doesn't put you behind in your own efforts and so you can afford to attend, but otherwise, what's the big deal?  Hell, if you've got a lot of DIY still left, you could probably even bring it along; we were married in Las Vegas, and I was still finishing up corsages and programs on the drive over from SoCal. 

If you choose not to attend because it doesn't work out for you, that's fine.  But don't expect her to change her plans just for you.

And comparing the lengths of your engagements just makes you sound really, really petty.  Your relationship isn't more valid just because you've had such a long engagement.

trix1223

Ditto aerin:  how long your engagement is versus how long hers will be has no bearing on the story.  You should have just left that out.  It came across as you trying to imply that your engagement and planning were more serious than hers.

And you may well be causing problems that won't even exist.  In your OP, you said they're not engaged yet.  You said she "wants to get married" the last week in September.

She may find, once she is engaged that the church she wants, or the venue she wants won't be available that weekend.  She may find that the date doesn't work for member of her family, or her FI's family.  Heck, they might not even get engaged.

I suggest that you not say anything until this happens.  And then if she does choose the week before your wedding, you have a choice to make.  You can attend her wedding, or you can decline the invitation. 

But it's way, way, way over the line to ask HER to change her wedding date because you don't like it.

banana468

I wouldn't even worry about this for right now.

If she isn't actually engaged and nothing is booked, she may find that she doesn't get the day she wants anyway.  So instead of worrying about a hypothetical date, just be a friend to her.

And please don't try to argue that you deserve a date more than someone else becuase you've been together longer.  Wedding planning just doesn't work that way.  The only thing that wouldn't be nice is if she were to plan her wedding ON your wedding day or maybe during the weekend of your wedding.  Beyond that, just let it go for now.

jenn.daniel

One of FI's GM is getting married the weekend before us.  Never occurred to us to tell him that since he and his FI haven't been together as long as we have he should put their wedding off so it's not so close to ours.  Seriously, it will be fine.

SarahNicole80

I agree not to worry about it until she becomes engaged, but I don't agree with the thinking that this is only one day. A lot of other things come before the wedding like showers and the bachelorette party. This could interfere with yours if you have the same social circle. It would be a pain if I was a friend and had to choose between the two of you. With that said, we have no idea if that date is special to her and I do agree that the amount of time you are dating doesn't dictate the amount of time for your engagement. You will just have to wait and see and roll with the punches.

mbcdefg

Why the heck are EITHER of you so concerned with the date right now?

They're not even engaged yet. Unless they have an agreed-upon time to pick out a ring and/or get formally engaged, she has no idea when he'll pop the question. If he waits to ask her on Easter 2011, for example, will she still be willing to throw together a wedding in 5 months?

And even if they DO get engaged tomorrow, she needs to realize that picking a date isn't as simple as sitting in her living room and saying, "September 25, 2011 sounds nice! Let's start planning!" I'm sure you know from experience that it doesn't work that way. They need to consult with their families about appropriate dates, look at their budget and see if they can even afford a peak date like September (as opposed to an off-peak date like February), if they're religious they need to consult their church/temple for the pre-wedding requirements and the church/temple's open dates, and they need to visit reception halls and see what they have available.

Plus, does her boyfriend even want a September wedding? Maybe he wants a summer wedding. Just because SHE wants a September wedding doesn't mean that they're definitely having one.

You're both putting the cart before the horse here, and you both need to relax.

And, if she DOES pick a date a week before yours, then that's her right. You don't own a month, week or weekend, and you'd be incredibly selfish to tell her that this angers you. And if you chose to be engaged/plan a wedding for 5.5 years, then it'd be INCREDIBLY unreasonable to expect your friends to work around your time frame. You can't just carve out 5+ years and then get mad when someone else decides to have a shorter engagement than you. You have the right to a long engagement, but you do NOT have the right to get mad at others who do not.

If she says that she's officially engaged and her official date is the week before yours, then consult your schedule/budget and say, "I wish we could come but unfortunately we can't. I wish you all the best!" End of story.

trix1223

Stage, I was thinking that SarahNicole meant "You can't get married on that Saturday, because then we might have our showers the same day, or our b-parties the same weekend."

And I agree, either your scenario or mine~both are silly reasons to tell someone they can't schedule their wedding the week before yours.

banana468

Sarah, sometimes that may mean that the people need to coordinate the parties or someone declines attending.

But somehow things work out.  I'm due Dec 4th and my friend is due with her child Dec 9th.  I'm going to her shower and I think she's going to mine.  They're on different days.  If they wound up on the same day, I'd send a gift.

graffeo

I dont think you should stress out at all. Like you said she is not even engaged yet. You might not even have to worry bc some people want a good amount of time to fully plan a wedding. My MOH got engaged a few months after I did and she has not even started to plan her wedding. Just remember dont stress or worry about it till she is engaged All you guys can do is talk and be honest if you guys cant make it to events bc you are planning your own weddings.

aerinpegadrak

Even if the weddings were on the same day, there's no reason that any of the pre-parties would also conflict.  There's no law that says, "The shower must happen 58 days before the wedding, and the bachelorette party must occur at 22 days out."  The two brides can just keep in contact with each other regarding dates, or even *gasp* request to do the parties jointly.

lauren1113

I completely understand why you are upset. BUT first ask her if there is a reason why she wants that weekend.  Maybe the date means something to her.

And secondly don't worry about it until she is at least engaged.

If she chooses to have her wedding the weekend before you, that stinks but you can't change it.  I personally would not want to get married within a week of my good friend, but sometimes you don't have the choice of any weekend of the year.

If she is choosing this weekend becasue she wants to be married before you then that is wrong.  I actually know someone who has said this so I hope it is not your case.

bablingbrooke

Even if she does wind up getting married on that day, that's frankly her right.  You can't say or do anything to get her to move the date--you can't "call" a whole month or even a window of a week on either side during which your WP can't get married.  If she does and you can't go due to the timing, then you can't go.  It's not the end of the world.  

Pre-wedding parties don't have to happen on a certain timeline.  And if one of you can't make the other's, so be it.  Some of my BMs couldn't come to my shower--I survived.  I have had to decline showers in the past because it was too far away for me to travel so close to the wedding.  I wasn't shunned as a bad friend.

Bear in mind that your actual wedding date is sometimes out of your hands.  She may have called her proposed venue and said, "I want to get married in late spring of '11" and the weekend before your wedding is the only date available.  That's how my wedding date got finalized, that's how lots of wedding dates get finalized.  Would you be okay with her telling you that you need to move your date?  Of course not.

FWIW, you could look at this more positively.  I'm in my BFF's wedding next year and one of her BMs is getting married less than a month before her at the same venue, most of the same vendors, and much of the same guest list.  They couldn't be happier about it and are sharing lots of ideas and tips with each other.  Maybe an attitude adjustment could resolve this.

marissa_claire

Until she's engaged AND has a date nailed down you're worrying about hearsay.  By the time she does get engaged and decide a date, that weekend might not even be an option.  My advice:  wait and see.