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Wedding Party

Maybe it's just me...

Re: Maybe it's just me...

  • Don't require your BMs to wear matching shoes. It's unnecessary and it's lame, and nobody will give a hoot what shoes they're wearing. Specify a color and ask that they wear dress shoes, and then wash your hands of it. Shoes are NOT something worth arguing about, so if you relax the matching shoes requirement then you will eliminate this issue.

    Yes, you or your FI should talk to her and explain that attendants are expected to pay for their own attire. However, you also need to ask her (and all the other BMs), "What can you afford to spend on a dress?" BEFORE you pick something out, so that you can select something in her price range. It is unfair to just choose something and assume that they can all afford it.

    If she's going to be pregnant, then just let her select a black knee-length maternity dress. She can get it off the rack about two weeks before your wedding. Easy peasy. Pretty much all black dresses look the same anyway - and if someone happens to notice a difference, they will just chalk it up to her being pregnant. The world will not end if your BMs aren't perfectly matched. (And don't require matching hairdos, either, in case you're thinking of this.)


    If you and FI want to talk to her and ask if she'd be happier as HIS attendant, go ahead. I don't see why her attire as a groomswoman was an issue in the first place, but here's your answer - she can just select her own black dress. She's happy, and you don't have to deal with her. Done deal.

    image
  • Ditto malphabet.

    Matching shoes, no.  Black dresses that fit and don't necessarily match, yes.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • lyndausvilyndausvi Western Slope, Colorado mod
    Moderator Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its
    do not get matching shoes.  It's just not necessary.  Shoes are pretty personal because what is comfortable to one person is not to another

    the dress: There are some social circles where the bride picks up the tab for their BM dresses.  Maybe that is what her circle does?  If that is the case explain that it will be her responsibilty to buy the dress.  then ask for her budget and find a dress. 

    That said, since she is planning on getting pregnant AND you just want a knee length black dress.  I would let her pick out her own based on the what you want.  That way she spend what she wants, in a size that fits at the time of the wedding.  black dresses look pretty much the same to me.


    btw - I did not see my pregnant BM's dress until the wedding day.  I promise you it is not something to stress over.  Everyone knew her dress was different because she was pregnant.   The color matched and that is all I cared about.






    What differentiates an average host and a great host is anticipating unexpressed needs and wants of their guests.  Just because the want/need is not expressed, doesn't mean it wouldn't be appreciated. 
  • To be quite honest, you have absolutely no right to dictate what shoes she wears, especially if you aren't going to pay for them.  I think kitten heels are uber-uggo most of the time and would never consent to wearing them.  If she wants to wear flats give her a reasonable color requirement (black, blue, brown, etc) and leave it be.

    Frankly, I think you brought ths upon yourself by making her a BM instead of letting her stand on the side she should be on.  I don't understand what was so difficult about allowing her to stand on his side and wear a black dress or pantsuit.

    You are making this much more drama-filled-crazy than it needs to be.  Tell her to buy a nice black maternity dress, a nice pair of black flats, and be done with it.  This way she can buy something she can afford.  Or, have your FI ask her to stand on his side, where she should've been in the first place.
  • It's not completely out of the question that she doesn't realize that the bride doesn't buy the dress. I bought my bridesmaid's dresses.

    And please, as everyone said, don't require them to wear matching shoes. That's ridiculous.
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  • Kt_bug55Kt_bug55 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2010
    I'll reconsider the matching shoes. I just thought since I'm letting
    them pick their own black dress that it would be cute for something
    to match. And I figured it would help with their cost if they got to 
    choose their own dress, so I'm not sure if cost will be a big trouble. 

  • Well, only you can let her call the shots.  Otherwise, she's just offering her opinions.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maybe-its-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3bd15a58-93ca-4df7-8b00-1b460283f51bPost:2c5ee972-1bc8-402d-b09c-b5d4dc3d50bf">Re: Maybe it's just me...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I just thought since I'm letting them pick their own black dress that it would be cute for something to match.
    Posted by Kt_bug55[/QUOTE]

    You have flowers for that. No one is even going to notice or care what they are wearing on their feet.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maybe-its-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3bd15a58-93ca-4df7-8b00-1b460283f51bPost:caf93707-3d75-4810-b963-7653cc3400c5">Maybe it's just me...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm having trouble with one of my bridesmaids. She is my  fiance's best friend, and we would have made her a  groomsmaid, but we didn't want to deal with the details of  what a groomsmaid might wear etc.  She is okay being a  bridesmaid, but she hates girls in general and all of her friends are the other groomsmen. Anyway.... I've been a bit worried about how it might go  having her as a bridesmaid, because she's very  opinionated. For example, I let her know when we asked  her that the bridesmaids will be wearing knee length black  dresses and the same shoes (either flats or kitten heels).  She responded that she'll be wearing flats. Which is cool.... that's an option, but we haven't decided for sure  yet. So, a few days ago she informed us that her and her  husband (who is a groomsman) are trying to get pregnant  in January so that she will be due exactly around our  wedding date in October.  She said that I will probably  want to wait until the month before to go dress shopping  for her, which freaks me out because I would like to have  everything pretty much wrapped up before the month before the wedding. I'm not a person who feels  comfortable waiting until the last minute for things.  She also added that she was telling me about the  possible pregnancy so that I would know that I had to  save up for her bridesmaid dress that soon before the  wedding. I think it's a bit strange that she doesn't know  she is responsible for paying for her own dress since she  just got married and asked her groomsman just to wear  whatever suits they already had so that THEY wouldn't have to pay to rent tuxes. I would totally love to help  pay for the dress, but I'm paying for the wedding myself  and I can't afford to do that. I am going to try really  really hard to help out with hair and makeup costs.   Anyway..... it could just be me, but I feel like she's being a bit rude because she keeps telling me how things are  going to happen. My fiance has offered to let her know  that she will need to pay for her own dress, which is sweet  and I may have to ask him to at some point. I'm just afraid that she will get upset and also that she will upset us throughout the planning process and the wedding. Even  my fiance said that she was stressing him out about the  whole pregnancy / dress payment thing. Any suggestions or advice as to what to do?
    Posted by Kt_bug55[/QUOTE]

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • I hate to say this because I don't know her or you, but it sounds like she is trying to talk her way out of being in the WP at all.
    Perhaps she resents being put on your side of the WP, because she isn't close to you, as your WP members should be. If she is as you say, she probably dreads having to hang out with the ladies when she is more comfortable with the guys.
    To her, being a BM is not an honor because she is not interested in being one. She can still wear the same black dress on the groom's side and be much happier with the people she knows and loves.  And at 8 months pregnant, I know I'd be way more comfy in flats than any kind of heels.

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  • Um ... everything that everybody else has said aside: she said she's only trying to concieve, not that she actually has done so.

    Considering that you shouldn't be worrying about what the BMs wear until like 6 months out, maybe you should wait until you know for sure that's she's pregnant before you stress about it.


    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
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    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • Oh, and her husband cna still escort her even if they stand on the same side. Its not that logistically hard. I think that you have made this even harder on yourself and her when you could have just come here and asked what Groomswomen wear and be done with it. We would have told you a black dress or pants suit...
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  • Have you considered moving her "back" to the groom's side?  She's going to get a black dress anyway as a BM so if it would make her happier, you could offer.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • And of course, ditto all the PPs about things like matching shoes, putting her on your FI's side and just letting her pick what she wants.

    If you fire a WP member, you're against America.
    image

    "Meg cracks me up on the regular. Now she gets to do it in two different forums. Yay!!" ~mkrupar
  • Kt_bug55Kt_bug55 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2010
    I thought that maybe she was trying to get out of it too.  I asked him if he thought she would be more comfortable with the guys and he said "she'll be fine".  I hate to keep nagging him about it, but I'll try seeing if he would mind asking her. I'm sure she'd be more likely to tell him. 

    I wouldn't mind moving her back to the groom's side. I just thought it's a ten minute ceremony she'll be fine. The fact that she'll be stuck hanging out with us girls all day didn't strike me until a few days ago. Woops!! 

    A few questions though... would she get a bouquet?


  • She can either have a bouquet or a corsage. Ask her what she'd prefer.


    IDK if she'd be upset. That's something you need to discuss with her. Just say (or ideally, FI should talk to her about this), "Would you feel more comfortable on FI's side or on mine? Either is totally fine with us, we just want you to be happy."

    I would not bring up anything about dropping out. That might make her think that you guys want her to leave. If she really wants to drop out, she'll approach you on her own.
    image
  • I don't know how she'll respond.  You'll have to ask her.  As far as bouquet, I'd let her decide that as well.
    The Bee Hive Est. June 30, 2007
    "So I sing a song of love, Julia"
    06.10.10

    BFAR:We Defined Our Own Success!
    image

  • I don't know, "I would rather be pushing a bowling ball out my cooter than standing up in your wedding" sends a pretty clear message to me...  It's one thing to be TTC in the time before the wedding, but to be aiming for your wedding as the due date seems like she wants out.

    We're moving my brother to my side because he's being a pill and he and FI don't get along, which takes us from 5 and 5 to 6 and 4.  No big.
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maybe-its-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3bd15a58-93ca-4df7-8b00-1b460283f51bPost:5108a161-956d-4095-89ec-d297384e72cb">Re: Maybe it's just me...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know, "I would rather be pushing a bowling ball out my cooter than standing up in your wedding" sends a pretty clear message to me...  It's one thing to be TTC in the time before the wedding, but to be aiming for your wedding as the due date seems like she wants out. We're moving my brother to my side because he's being a pill and he and FI don't get along, which takes us from 5 and 5 to 6 and 4.  No big.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
    Not necessarily... my sister and her DH were TTC for months before the wedding, and the date of my wedding wasn't going to make them stop. She was TTC for her due date two days before my wedding... She ended up not getting pregnant till a little later, so she is due almost 2 months after... but still. She is very happy to be standing up with me as my MOH, but she and her DH didn't have the easiest time TTC so she wasn't about to stop for my pretty princess wedding.... and this chick isn't even a sibling.

    People aren't going to put their lives on hold, even if they do want to be a part of things.
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2009
    Well, it depends on what she actually said.  If she's starting to TTC in January, which will just happen to put her due date around the wedding if she gets pregnant right away, that's one thing.  But if she's TTC in January specifically to create a conflict between her due date and the wedding, that's a totally different story. 
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Doesn't the average couple take like 6 months to get pregnant?  If they're starting in January, it's really unlikely that they would get pregnant on the first try.  

    And even if they did, you can still be in a wedding 9 months pregnant if you want to.  I think if she wanted out, she'd step out. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maybe-its-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3bd15a58-93ca-4df7-8b00-1b460283f51bPost:5108a161-956d-4095-89ec-d297384e72cb">Re: Maybe it's just me...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't know, "I would rather be pushing a bowling ball out my cooter than standing up in your wedding" sends a pretty clear message to me...  It's one thing to be TTC in the time before the wedding, but to be aiming for your wedding as the due date seems like she wants out.
    Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

    Who knows the reasoning behind when she wants to get pregnant? It may have nothing to do with OP's wedding.

    I mean, FI and I have discussed TTC (in the <strong>VERY</strong> distant future), and we both said that it might be a good idea for us to aim for a delivery date around June. The reason being that FI is a teacher and that way he will have summer vacation when I'm on maternity leave ... two sets of hands with a newborn all day is better than one. And if a friend happens to set her wedding date for that same timeframe, I'm not so sure if I would hold off on TTC just so I could be her bridesmaid ... I mean, I would want to support a friend, but I also don't want to inconvenience myself for months just for her one day.

    I just think it can be risky to ask someone if she wants out, because in the event that she DOESN'T want out it can make her think, "I wonder if Bride/Groom really doesn't want me in their wedding? Why else would (s)he keep asking me if I want to drop out?"

    I would think that anyone who really wanted to drop out would just buck up and confess that she wanted out. I think only a passive-aggressive nutcase would get pregnant in order to avoid being in someone else's wedding.
    image
  • I don't know that she's trying to get out of the wedding but I think you do need to be up front with her.  Don't require the same shoes (BAD idea), but beyond that say, "I understand that this may not be what you want to do right now so go shopping when you're ready and that way you can find a dress that suits your budget with what you want to spend."

    And if she still seems like she's not into it just ask her, "I'd love to have you up there with me but I know you're also really friendly with FI.  You can pick which side you'd like to stand on."

  • Well... I talked to my fiance. I told him I thought that since she was his friend it would be a shame for her not to be in his photos. He kind of understood that. He said his main concern is that if she's a groomsmaid then he will feel obligated to invite her to the bachelor party. He said that he wouldn't feel comfortable with anything raunchy going on and is hoping not to have a stripper or anything, but that he wouldn't want her there because he just wants it to be a guys night. I'm sure he could let her know this, but her husband is a groomsman and will probably be invited to the bachelor party so it might hurt her feelings. 
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maybe-its-just?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3bd15a58-93ca-4df7-8b00-1b460283f51bPost:485c1e14-24b4-4cec-91c3-fb627b291e07">Re: Maybe it's just me...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well... I talked to my fiance. I told him I thought that since she was his friend it would be a shame for her not to be in his photos. He kind of understood that. He said his main concern is that if she's a groomsmaid then he will feel obligated to invite her to the bachelor party. He said that he wouldn't feel comfortable with anything raunchy going on and is hoping not to have a stripper or anything, but that he wouldn't want her there because he just wants it to be a guys night. I'm sure he could let her know this, but her husband is a groomsman and will probably be invited to the bachelor party so it might hurt her feelings. 
    Posted by Kt_bug55[/QUOTE]

    Really?  How good of a friend is she, really?  This sounds like a cop out to me mainly because it sounds ridiculous that he is more worried about being obligated to include her in a stupid, pre-wedding party than being able to have her stand with him on his wedding day.

    If he is more worried about some stupid party than who is with him on the day of the wedding I wonder how much he truly values her friendship.
  • Kt_bug55Kt_bug55 member
    First Comment
    edited January 2010
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