upset about this situation..

whitma87

Hi all. My FI's best friend is getting married next year. when they got engaged they both told us that they weren't going to have a wedding party because it would be too expensive ect. That's fine. About a few weeks ago she posted to someone saying that they WERE going to have people in the ceremony AND a wedding party. I don't care to be in the party, I don't really know the girl. but my FI has known the groom since he was 4, and they grew up together on the same street and everything. I found out that the one groomsmen he picked was his brother, i'm not sure if he has others. I'm just upset because I thought my FI would be his best man, and his best friend be the best man at our wedding. I feel like it's kind of messed up in a way.

if he isn't best man at his wedding, then should we look for someone else to be best man at our wedding?

bablingbrooke

I can understand being disappointed, but I think this is one of those situations where you let yourself be upset for a day and then move on.  And even if it wasn't, since this impacts your FI, not you, it's not for you to say or do anything about.

You know that the choice of WP is very personal--you're getting married yourself.  And you know that no one has a right to be in the WP.  This may be a lopsided friendship between the two of them--maybe he considers this guy a better friend than this guy considers him (hope that sentence was clear--I had a bad allergic reaction last night and am pumped full of Benadryl right now).  Maybe his FI made all the WP decisions.  In my DH's religion (Greek Orthodox) the BM HAS to be Orthodox--could something like that be going on here?  Whatever the reason, it was their right to do it this way.

Your FI asks his BM, not you.  If he still wants this guy to be BM, guess what, this guy is still BM.  It would be incredibly petty and immature of both of you to not ask this guy (or boot him) because he didn't reciprocate.  WPs are not tit-for-tat and you would be sinking to a low by retaliating.  Like I said, be mad for a day, then move on.

Long story short, you need to take yourself out of this and leave it to your FI.  This is his decision, not yours.

banana468

Wedding parties aren't a tit for tat situation.

You and your FI need to respect their decision and make your own decisions mutually exclusive of how your friends planned their wedding.

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_upset-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3d97434f-ec01-4297-93ca-642eb5f92052Post:8d272ea1-a9e2-4504-88e4-751173799833">upset about this situation..</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all. My FI's best friend is getting married next year. when they got engaged they both told us that they weren't going to have a wedding party because it would be too expensive ect. That's fine. About a few weeks ago she posted to someone saying that they WERE going to have people in the ceremony AND a wedding party. I don't care to be in the party, I don't really know the girl. but my FI has known the groom since he was 4, and they grew up together on the same street and everything. I found out that the one groomsmen he picked was his brother, i'm not sure if he has others. I'm just upset because I thought my FI would be his best man, and his best friend be the best man at our wedding. I feel like it's kind of messed up in a way. if he isn't best man at his wedding, then should we look for someone else to be best man at our wedding?
Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]


The B&G can pick whomever they like to be in their WP - it doesn't concern you or your husband one bit.  Pick whomever you like for yours.  I was MOH in one wedding and that bride wasn't even in the WP at mine, just a guest.  To exclude somebody for the sole reason that you did not hold the same position at their wedding is quite possibly the most immature and childish thing you can do.

EDIT - My MOH was my SIL who (gasp, clutch pearls) had her sister as her MOH when she got married.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_upset-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3d97434f-ec01-4297-93ca-642eb5f92052Post:8d272ea1-a9e2-4504-88e4-751173799833">upset about this situation..</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all. My FI's best friend is getting married next year. when they got engaged they both told us that they weren't going to have a wedding party because it would be too expensive ect. That's fine. About a few weeks ago she posted to someone saying that they WERE going to have people in the ceremony AND a wedding party. I don't care to be in the party, I don't really know the girl. but my FI has known the groom since he was 4, and they grew up together on the same street and everything. I found out that the one groomsmen he picked was his brother, i'm not sure if he has others. I'm just upset because I thought my FI would be his best man, and his best friend be the best man at our wedding. I feel like it's kind of messed up in a way. if he isn't best man at his wedding, then should we look for someone else to be best man at our wedding?
Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]
Why are YOU upset?  It's their wedding.  They can pick whoever the heck they want to be in their wedding party.  Excluding FI's best friend because he didn't make FI BM is petty and childish.  Grow up.  Seriously. 

trix1223

This is when things get "ugly".  There is never, ever, ever a guarantee of being asked to be in a WP, and it's unfortunate that you seem to feel that your FI is owed anything, much less a spot in the WP.

If you really feel like your FI is being slighted, feel bad for the next hour.  Then realize that this is so not a big deal, and you're making it bigger than it needs to be. 

This decision about who the BM in your FI's WP is shouldn't be on your radar screen.  If your FI is old enough to get married, he's old enough to decide for himself who he wants standing next to him.

Let it go.  You can't control what your FI's friend does.  You can only control how you respond to it.

mbcdefg

You don't know the whole story, so first of all, stop getting mad over it. You've only heard this information secondhand through other sources, correct? You seem t be basing your anger on something you read on Facebook or Twitter. Not very mature.

And if your FI is not asked to be the best man, or a groomsman at all ... yeah, it's disappointing, but he needs to suck it up and let it go. If they're otherwise good friends, who the hell cares if he holds a one-day, essentially meaningless title in this other dude's wedding?

The Best Man role is an honor for the groom's closest friend. It's not a reward for someone else making your FI his own best man. To say, "Well, we're going to punish this guy by not asking him to be OUR best man" is really childish. And it's an insult to find some other guy to be the second-string Best Man in his place.

Even if you consider someone to be your best friend, they may not necessarily consider YOU to be their absolute best friend. My husband had my brother as a groomsman, and his closest friend as the Best Man. The Best Man is now engaged, and even though he hasn't made wedding plans yet, both MH and I are pretty sure that MH will not be the Best Man (the guy has an older brother, plus a friend that he's known since grade school). I had my sister as MOH, but she's got a ton of close girlfriends (whereas I only have a few) and I can pretty much guarantee that I won't be her MOH whenever she gets married (or if I am, I'd likely just be the MatronOH and she'll have a single friend as MaidOH).

mattycam

Choosing a bridal party for many people is stressful in itself. Although, you FI and the Groom are close, the groom has other people in his life that he is close with as well. The people who I selected in my BP is not obligated to choose me to be in their party when their time comes and that's okay! I am not their only friend. Based on so many people having a tight budget, I would just be happy to be invited to their wedding!

Beachy730

OP I can understand why your FI is hurt by it.  I'm sure all the ladies on this board have at some point thought about friends or siblings weddings who they assume they will be in.  Guys do it too.  And I think he's more upset that he was told there was no WP and now he sees that there is one, so essentially he was lied to.  But maybe they were told they need a MOH and BM at least to sign as witnesses.  Either way, its perfectly acceptable for him to choose a brother as a BM.  Even if your FI was friends with him since age 4 or whatever it was, his brother has been around since birth.  So in many instances people choose family over friends for the role.  If your Fi wants him as the BM then he should ask him.  But he definitely shouldn't judge the decision on whether he's in the WP, or what his role is. 

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_upset-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3d97434f-ec01-4297-93ca-642eb5f92052Post:8d272ea1-a9e2-4504-88e4-751173799833">upset about this situation..</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi all. My FI's best friend is getting married next year. when they got engaged they both told us that they weren't going to have a wedding party because it would be too expensive ect. That's fine. About a few weeks ago she posted to someone saying that they WERE going to have people in the ceremony AND a wedding party. I don't care to be in the party, I don't really know the girl. but my FI has known the groom since he was 4, and they grew up together on the same street and everything.<strong> I found out that the one groomsmen he picked was his brother, i'm not sure if he has others</strong>. I'm just upset because I thought my FI would be his best man, and his best friend be the best man at our wedding. I feel like it's kind of messed up in a way. <strong>if he isn't best man at his wedding, then should we look for someone else to be best man at our wedding?
</strong>Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]

Your FI should pick whoever he wants to be his BM. If it's this best friend, then that's that.

You saidi that you found out this friend's GM is his brother- why are you upset about this? Lots of people have family in their WP over friends, or even family-only WPs. There's nothing wrong with that. You really don't know the whole story, so yeah be disappointed and then move on.

SaraAndrew2010

I agree with heyimbren.  I could understand being offended if your FI's friend picked another friend over your FI as a GM.  But the only wedding party member you know of is the groom's brother.  

In my family, it's excpected that sibiling would be honor attendants.  I'm not amazingly close with my sister, but I can't imagine telling her that I'd chosen a friend of her as MOH.

I think you are overacting and should keep things in perspective.  Just because this guy is going to be your FI's best man doesnt mean he has to make your FI's his best man.

marissa_claire

It's one thing to be upset for about an hour, but this is seriously not a big deal.  Who he chooses for his WP is his business.  No one ever has any place thinking they should be in someone else's WP because you really have no idea who else is in his life that's important to him.  I'm sure some of my choices surprised some friends, and my FI had a lifelong friend get mad at him too (under the same impression as your FI)  but in the end it's up to the B&G and no one else.

whitma87

i'm not mad. i've moved on. in the moment i was a little pissed, but realized it is a stupid thing to think about. we are still deciding on who we want in our wedding party. we want a very small party of 1-2 people each, so we have that to think about. were going to see the next few months how my FI and his best friend play it out (are they still "best friends" or separate from one another, get in a fight, ect.. who knows), and if my FI decides to have him or not have him in the party.

whitma87

I was just upset that when we asked them if they were going to have a wedding party, they told us no. like i said, im not close to the girl, so i wouldnt be offended if she told me no. but then a few weeks later i found out they were having a wedding party... so they were basically telling my fiance "no, i dont want you in my wedding."  

like brooke said, maybe my FI considers him more of a friend than the groom does. I was also thinking maybe they told him no because of me (i would be somewhat excluded from him while they go do wedding party things (limo ride, the whole ceremony, ect.))

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_upset-this-situation?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3d97434f-ec01-4297-93ca-642eb5f92052Post:b8a1da7d-39f4-4fe1-b00a-070cabf889ba">Re: upset about this situation..</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I was just upset that when we asked them if they were going to have a wedding party, they told us no</strong>. like i said, im not close to the girl, so i wouldnt be offended if she told me no. but then a few weeks later i found out they were having a wedding party... so they were basically telling my fiance "no, i dont want you in my wedding."   like brooke said, maybe my FI considers him more of a friend than the groom does. I was also thinking maybe they told him no because of me (i would be somewhat excluded from him while they go do wedding party things (limo ride, the whole ceremony, ect.))
Posted by whitma87[/QUOTE]

Maybe they changed their minds. And clearly they don't want your FI in their wedding. Oh well. I don't think you need to overanalyze this to the extent of trying to figure out exactly why they wouldn't have chosen him - and I'm pretty sure it's not because of you.

bablingbrooke

Isn't it possible that they decided to have a family-only WP?  Or maybe they lied to you because they knew you'd flip out if you found out that he wasn't going to be a part of it.  I might tell a white lie to avoid this.