HI- I have a question about bridesmaid "duties" if you will...

lovelylindsayy

I am getting married 10/9/11 and all biut one of my bridesmaids live in another city (4-6hrs away).  Do you as a bride directly ask your bridesmaids what you would like help with or just do it yourself and wait to see if any of them step forward and offer a hand? I have a venue reserved and a pretty good idea for the rest of my wedding planning, vendors, etc.  My mom really wants to play a role in the planning and is willing to help me out where needed, which I greatly appreciate.  However, my bridesmaids (most anyways) are recently out of college and in the first year of their "real job."  I don't want to stress them out and really dont have alot I would like them to do aside from maybe planning my bachelorette party... Im just not sure if I should actually ask them for favors or just complete the process myself and if they offer find ways to involve them.  The distance makes it harder as well.  Anyways, and ideas? advice? How are you other brides doing this? 

Thanks

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hi-question-bridesmaid-duties-will?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e794039-b632-4682-8b97-197ff897d398Post:1afc2dec-9d73-49c3-a42f-bfbab592439c">HI- I have a question about bridesmaid "duties" if you will...</a>:
[QUOTE]I am getting married 10/9/11 and all biut one of my bridesmaids live in another city (4-6hrs away).  Do you as a bride directly ask your bridesmaids what you would like help with or <strong>just do it yourself and wait to see if any of them step forward and offer a hand?</strong> I have a venue reserved and a pretty good idea for the rest of my wedding planning, vendors, etc.  My mom really wants to play a role in the planning and is willing to help me out where needed, which I greatly appreciate.  However, my bridesmaids (most anyways) are recently out of college and in the first year of their "real job."  I don't want to stress them out and really dont have alot I would like them to do aside from maybe planning my bachelorette party... Im just not sure if I should actually ask them for favors or just complete the process myself and if they offer find ways to involve them.  The distance makes it harder as well.  Anyways, and ideas? advice? How are you other brides doing this?  Thanks =)
Posted by lovelylindsayy[/QUOTE]


Ding, Ding, Ding! It is you and your FI's responsibility to plan your wedding. If anyone else offers to help, great! Do not delegate to your WP a list of duties they must do. That makes being a BM a job and not too much fun. If they offer to help find ways they can help. If you have everything under control just tell them, "Thanks Suzie for you offer to help, but we've got everything under control. I really want you and the others to enjoy celebrating out day with us."

FWIW - all of my BP members are OOT. Many 8+ hours away. The girls got their dresses on their own through DB. They all happened to like the same style. All I asked was knee length black dress and let them run with it. I just emailed the GM the info on the tux rentals, and that's that.

If they want to plan a shower and bach party that's great, but it is not required of them. If no one offers, you don't get one, and you cannot plan those yourself.

I think you've got the right attitude. Keep along that same path and you should be good to go. GL planning!

slubkin

I haven't involved my BMs in too much of the planning.

I chose the dress and they bought it with no complaints.  I told my MOH (my other BM is not local anymore) and another friend when I was going dress shopping and asked if they wanted to come with me, they both came on different trips but the one who was a real star with dress shopping was FMIL- she was so thrilled to be a part of that process and didn't mind driving all over the place with me looking for sample sizes I could get into.

I've done all of the vendor selection myself, although MOH came with me, FI and FMIL and FFIL to the venue when we met with the event coordinator there.  I asked her if she wanted to come, but she urged me to be the one doing the talking when we got there.

I think you should just expect to do your planning yourself, with input from your FI, and if your BMs (or any other family or friends) ask how the planning is going, feel free to tell them- if they want to be a part of the planning or helping you with projects, they will let you know!  

aerinpegadrak

In my observation and personal experience, the amount that people will want to help you is inversely proportional to the amount of help you ask for.  Anyone who really wants to help and is not doing so out of a sense of obligation will approach you unprompted.

They're involved on the wedding day itself.  They don't need to be involved in the run-up.

lovelylindsayy

I planned a date to go look at bridesmaid dresses and invited all of them, but dont expect them all to be able to make it or want to travel that far just to look at dresses.  Ill just email the other girls what we decide on.  Anyways, just wondering what other brides were doing.  Interesting to hear some of yalls input..

aerinpegadrak

To pick dresses with my widely scattered BMs, I just told them to wear something black.  I communicated via email with some of them.  I didn't even see half the dresses until the wedding day.

If you want them all in the same dress, I think it would be best to pick several options when you go shopping, and email those to the other girls so they can try them on locally, then vote.  I don't think someone should ever be obligated to spend money on clothing without having the opportunity to try it on first.

lovelylindsayy

There's no obligation.  They can easily tell me "no" with zero hard feelings.

gottahavashorti

Ditto aerin on how to choose dresses from a distance.  Or find a designer whose dresses you like, choose any criteria (color, length, fabric) and ask them to either vote on their favorite or each choose a dress within those criteria.

Manwaithiel

I'm telling my girls to select a blue somewhere around the knee length dress. It can come from Saks or from Ross, I don't care either way. I'm actually encouraging different shades per the wearer's taste. I don't have time to select one dress and with 5 women, it's going to be a hassle and a half if I try.

And mkrupar answered your approach question. They will come help you if they are so inclined.

suz62984

haha, your date will be my 1 year anniversary 

My BMs were all out of town. As far as the dresses were concerned no one could get together with me except for one girl. I emailed everyone choices of David's Bridal dresses I liked and everyone went to try them on at their leisure. They all picked the same dress. They just went and ordered them when it was convenient for them.

My mom was also very happy about being involved. She gave me opinions as did many of my BMs when I texted or emailed a picture of an idea. Just wait for them to personally offer their time and don't "demand" it from them. It will just make things go smoother. I didn't really need help until the week of the wedding and thankfully my BMs offered whatever help they could.

lovelylindsayy

Exciting, that will be my friend's moms 1 yr anniversary as well.

My mom is so excited she is already planning on taking the week off before the wedding, which is wonderful because I think im going to have DIY bouquets from flowers ordered in bulk. Anyways, it's a very special time for my family and I.  I have had bridesmaids come forth offering to help, I just dont really know what to tell them.  They are all my very bestest friends and Im very excited they will be there to spend the day with me. I have a great relationship with all of them so Im not really concerned about that.  If they dont like something they will tell me and vice versa.  I can't wait to marry my fiance, he is wonderful.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hi-question-bridesmaid-duties-will?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e794039-b632-4682-8b97-197ff897d398Post:e06f65e9-ae04-4bad-9372-687007c0422c">Re: HI- I have a question about bridesmaid "duties" if you will...</a>:
[QUOTE]There's no obligation.  They can easily tell me "no" with zero hard feelings.
Posted by lovelylindsayy[/QUOTE]
Tell you, "No, I won't wear this dress that I had no input in choosing," or tell you, "No, I won't be in the wedding"?  If you just tell them "This is the dress" without having given them a chance to try it on or have any input and they say "no", I would hope that your reaction would be to try to find a dress they would like, rather than presume that their refusal means they're withdrawing from the WP.

botticelliangel6

I haven't asked anything of my bridesmaids, other than to buy their dresses and silver shoes if they didn't already have a pair, and get their dresses hemmed/tailored if needed.  Beyond that when we chat I update them on what is going on, but I haven't asked for anything beyond that, even from my MOH.  I did bring invites over one night  when I went to watch football with two of them, one helped stuff RSVPs into envelopes, the other didn't....  Oh, two of the three did come dress shopping with me (the other lives out of state), and picked out their dresses (which the third ordered seperately).  I did ask my MOH to come to my last fitting so she could see how the bustle worked.  I literally think thats all they have done or been involved in other than the occasional chat.  They did throw me a bridal shower on their own, but those are things that they choose to do, it's up to them and their budget and time. 

Trust me, if they want to help they'll let you know :-)

CS4232011

I agree with everything that's been said up above--it is your job to plan your wedding.  However, make sure they aren't being left out. I just assumed the out-of-town or married bridesmaids wanted little to do it with it and my mom and 2 younger sisters (both MOHs) were doing the bulk of the work.  I'm in law school unfortunately my planning is basically looking at what they pick out and saying "that one" and of course, reviewing any of the contracts.

 To my surprise the one that lives in CA (I live in IL) wants to do the most and felt a little left out at first, so now my mom and sisters include her in planning the shower ("do you like these decorations", "this is theme, do you have any ideas?" etc)  and she loves it!  She flies out all the time so she can help (this girl would've been my MOH if I didn't have sisters). Another one is also in law school with me AND just got engaged--she won't be able to do anything. 

So gauge what their interests and talents are, don't leave them out because they may wonder "why'd she ask me?"  Don't ask the Martha Stewart friend to do seating arrangements if she really just wants to help with centerpieces.  Let them feel 'wanted", not 'needed." They should be enthusiastic and want to be a part of your day, but ask them and if they say no, don't get mad.

Also as another rule of thumb--if you were a bridesmaid in a wedding, are there things that would make you mad if you were asked to do them?  Like, pick up Aunt Gertrude at the airport 3 hrs away?  If so, don't ask your BM's to do something that you yourself wouldn't be willing to do.

I have 6 BMs including my sisters, so it's a larger party size.  Don't have too many cooks in the kitchen, if they all want to be involved, let them have a role and area where they can shine (if they want to).

Sarabella009

I'm going to have to disagree with alot of people on here....
When I first started planning my wedding my mom told me that she got a little piece of advice on her wedding and wanted to pass it along to me. She said "you have bridesmaids for a reason, use them" I couldn't agree more, I think it is an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid and if that person is important enough to be standing beside you on the biggest day of your life then they should care enough to help out in whatever way they can. I think if you give a few little jobs to everyone on the big day you won't have to stress out

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_hi-question-bridesmaid-duties-will?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:3e794039-b632-4682-8b97-197ff897d398Post:b39bd421-4cd4-4024-ba84-ceafdbfb3818">Re: HI- I have a question about bridesmaid "duties" if you will...</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm going to have to disagree with alot of people on here.... When I first started planning my wedding my mom told me that she got a little piece of advice on her wedding and wanted to pass it along to me. She said "you have bridesmaids for a reason, use them" I couldn't agree more, I think it is an honor to be asked to be a bridesmaid and if that person is important enough to be standing beside you on the biggest day of your life then they should care enough to help out in whatever way they can. I think if you give a few little jobs to everyone on the big day you won't have to stress out
Posted by Sarabella009[/QUOTE]

<div>Right, because being used is how you should treat friends.  :eyeroll:</div><div>
</div><div>The sensible ladies are right.  BM is an honor, not a task.  No one wants to be used.  The above mentality is exactly where the term bridezilla comes from.</div>