Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding

mwitter80

I have a major dilema. I asked my FI's sister to be one of my bridesmaids.  Early in to the engagement she told a bunch that she didn't think we would make it.  We removed her from the wedding.  She came back with tears saying that what was said was over exagerated. Eventually I forgave, but now we are back in the same situation.  She is causing trouble and making crazy posts on facebook that are obviously about me.  At first I tried not to be cady and just ignore it, but I keep thinking this is suppose to be a spot for someone that believes in me and supports me and not just a courtesy.  I don't want her in the wedding. I don't want anyone standing up there who doesn't believe in us. What do I do?

suz62984

Removing a BM is a friendship ending move. You can't really end a friendship here though because you are marrying into her family. If the posts are obviously about you then what does FI say? He needs to stick up for you or else you have bigger problems than kicking out a BM. I would probably just keep the peace and leave her in the wedding. That way I wouldn't look like the "bad guy kicking out a BM" even if it isn't the case. It's your FI's sister. No matter what she will still be at the wedding; whether it be standing beside you or sitting on the front row with the other family members.

mbcdefg

So, you're basing all of this on hearsay from other people, and also from cryptic Facebook posts that may or may not be about you?

Just ignore it. Keep her as a bridesmaid, expect nothing more from her than to get the dress and show up to the ceremony, and then avoid her as best you can. If you must come into contact with her, be polite but keep it brief. She sounds really young and/or really immature.

She's going to be part of your family soon. Like her or not, you're stuck with her. Booting her from the wedding will not teach her a lesson, it will not punish her, it will not make her see the error of her ways ... it'll just piss off your in-laws and make your future life with their family a living hell. Even if your FI backs you up 100% in your decision to boot her, your in-laws will place the blame squarely on you.

Additionally, if your FI is not telling her to her face to cut the shiit, then your REAL problem is with him. Not his sister.

mwitter80

The FI said to kick her out and my FMIL said she would support me at this point. If we decide to do this I think I would have the backing of almost everyone but perhaps my FFIL who is not close with my FI anyways.  It just seems so petty and not who I am at all.  I come from a very loving family with parents who are still married and treat my FI like a son.  I am just having a hard time understanding the mechanics of family that doesn't defend each other and stand up for the other.  My FI has the opposite type. They talk behind eachother's back and bad mouth eachother. His sister is at the top of gossip chain in every situation.  I am just not used to this type of behaivor at all.  My FI has had screaming matches with her about it. She is very immature and seems to have some developmental issues that were never addressed.

mwitter80

He's been involved. Defending himself and me every second. She just cries and says that she was mad or thought that we did something first, blah blah blah. She has some mental issues, but I guess I didn't realize how bad it was until this process started.

trix1223

Do you want to hear about what an overbearing BSC bride you were (whether you were or not) at every Thanksgiving dinner and summer BBQ for the next twenty years?  If so, kick her out.

Me?  I'd recommend taking the high road here, ignoring hearsay, and keeping your FSIL in your WP.

TiffanyR02

I am generally a nice person, but this is going to make me seem terrible. This is going to be your special day and whether she is in your WP or not, she will probably still make it miserable because that's what it seems like the type of person she is. So why allow her to have such an important role when you can have some one that is a true friend and at least make the planning enjoyable. I hope that everything works out, whatever road you may choose. Good luck.

bablingbrooke

@TIffany: The only person who will make your wedding day miserable is your FI, who would only be able to do so by not showing up, saying Rachel's name instead of yours, etc.  You get the picture. 

Just let it go.  Keep her in the wedding.  You will be dealing with her for a looooooong time after the wedding, and when the wedding is just a memory and you are living the marriage, you don't want to have problems to deal with as a result of short-sighted attitudes.  

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-bridesmaid-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:412f7847-d8a0-41fe-a495-d871cc9d72adPost:3aa899b7-fca7-4ab5-8b8d-7cd04763eb8c">Re: Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So why allow her to have such an important role when you can have some one that is a true friend and at least make the planning enjoyable.

Posted by TiffanyR02[/QUOTE]

Why would having the FSIL as a bridesmaid prevent her from asking a friend? She can always have both.

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-bridesmaid-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:412f7847-d8a0-41fe-a495-d871cc9d72adPost:14e085e9-b86d-4322-aa55-8d8c590789e2">Re: Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So, you're basing all of this on hearsay from other people, and also from cryptic Facebook posts that may or may not be about you? Just ignore it. Keep her as a bridesmaid, expect nothing more from her than to get the dress and show up to the ceremony, and then avoid her as best you can. If you must come into contact with her, be polite but keep it brief. She sounds really young and/or really immature. She's going to be part of your family soon. Like her or not, you're stuck with her. <strong>Booting her from the wedding will not teach her a lesson, it will not punish her, it will not make her see the error of her ways</strong> ... it'll just piss off your in-laws and make your future life with their family a living hell. Even if your FI backs you up 100% in your decision to boot her, your in-laws will place the blame squarely on you . Additionally, if your FI is not telling her to her face to cut the shiit, then your REAL problem is with him. Not his sister.
Posted by mbcdefg[/QUOTE]

This, completely this. Malphabet is spot on.

Honestly, even if you do kick her out it sounds to me like she won't stop saying anything. You know what will teach her a lesson? Being gracious to her, not involving her in wedding planning, and staying married ot her brother. You can have a glass of wine with your FI every anniversary and remember that you're making it, no matter what she said on FB.

Also, she can put whatever she wants on FB. I bet a lot of people are side-eyeing her for it. I hate people who treat FB like a toilet for their word vomit.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-bridesmaid-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:412f7847-d8a0-41fe-a495-d871cc9d72adPost:d45a04e2-66f1-43bc-b2dc-5a4fdda72454">Re: Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>The FI said to kick her out and my FMIL said she would support me at this point.</strong> If we decide to do this I think I would have the backing of almost everyone but perhaps my FFIL who is not close with my FI anyways.  It just seems so petty and not who I am at all.  I come from a very loving family with parents who are still married and treat my FI like a son. <strong> I am just having a hard time understanding the mechanics of family that doesn't defend each other and stand up for the other. </strong> <strong>My FI has the opposite type. They talk behind eachother's back and bad mouth eachother. </strong>His sister is at the top of gossip chain in every situation.  I am just not used to this type of behaivor at all.  My FI has had screaming matches with her about it. She is very immature and seems to have some developmental issues that were never addressed.
Posted by mwitter80[/QUOTE]

Another point I just thought of:

Your FI and FMIL are telling you NOW that they would support you kicking the FSIL from your bridal party.

However, I'd be willing to bet you that, in a few years, you're going to hear whispering behind your back about how "biitchy" you were to kick your FSIL out of your wedding party. Especially since she has developmental issues.

You said so yourself ... your in-laws are not known for supporting each other. If your FMIL is saying right now that she's not standing behind her own biological daughter, what makes you think that she's not also going to turn her back on you, her daughter<em>-in-law</em>, over this? Even if you think they support you now, just wait a little while and I almost guarantee that they'll do an about-face and suddenly be pissy with you over this.

And if nothing else, maybe it's a test. Your FMIL could very well be testing you over this. Sick thing to do, yes, but since you said his family is petty and childish, I wouldn't put it past her at this point.

mwitter80

She put a pic up of her and my FI's ex-wife from their wedding and stated "This will always be my real sister in-law, past, present, and future." 

lalap69

Just ignore her.  She can't ruin your wedding, but kicking her out will be more drama than it's worth.  You're marrying into her family, it's not like you can just cut ties with her.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-bridesmaid-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:412f7847-d8a0-41fe-a495-d871cc9d72adPost:3dbf3018-9db8-4c1f-bb89-5a5d1e77e2eb">Re: Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]She put a pic up of her and my FI's ex-wife from their wedding and stated "This will always be my real sister in-law, past, present, and future." 
Posted by mwitter80[/QUOTE]
So, she likes this girl more than she likes you.  That's her prerogative.  Honestly, I have a suspicion that SMIL likes her new DIL more than she likes her son; she's joked that if they get divorced, she'll "keep" her and ditch him, and I'm betting that she's not entirely joking.

Family doesn't always equal friendship, which is just life.  She's still going to be your family, and it's still worth it to keep the peace.  Believe me, the bride NEVER comes out ahead in situations like this.  She already thinks of you as the bad guy, and everything you're doing is just reinforcing that.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-bridesmaid-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:412f7847-d8a0-41fe-a495-d871cc9d72adPost:3dbf3018-9db8-4c1f-bb89-5a5d1e77e2eb">Re: Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]She put a pic up of her and my FI's ex-wife from their wedding and stated "This will always be my real sister in-law, past, present, and future." 
Posted by mwitter80[/QUOTE]
Do you seriously think anyone here is going to change their vote short of you saying, "FSIL tried to kill me with a screwdriver last night"?  If you boot her, you will be GIVING her a reason to hate you and losing your moral high ground to boot.  Learn to deal with this.  Marriage (and adult life) is full of annoying people.  You need to learn to deal with them.  If you can't manage this like an adult (take a breath, decide it won't bother you, move on) I really wonder if you can handle marriage.  

filaw

As for "support" I'm pretty sure the OP is talking about the idea that the people standing up with you are there in "support" of the marriage.  Having someone there that would outright announce that you're never going to be her true sister-in-law must feel incredibly insulting and disrespectful.

I also think it's not fair to accuse the OP of not being able to "handle" marriage or cope like an adult because she's deeply hurt by her FSIL's behavior and is bothered that someone who would so publicly dismiss her and their relationship standing behind her at the alter.

All that being said.  OP, take to heart the fact that this *is* a relationship and problems that aren't going to go away.  I totally understand that it would gnaw at you that she has this position of "honor" and "intimacy" and that in return she be so incredibly disrespectful. But I think the best thing long term is to focus on the positive.  Pay attention to the people there that love you and that are there to rejoice in your happiness with you.  In the end, you'll probably be so happy, you won't even notice her precence.  And it'll be much easier in the long run.

Good luck.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kicking-bridesmaid-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:412f7847-d8a0-41fe-a495-d871cc9d72adPost:acabd728-0a45-4c6d-8a5f-1dfbf9f3d32a">Re: Kicking a bridesmaid out of the wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I also think it's not fair to accuse the OP of not being able to "handle" marriage or cope like an adult because she's deeply hurt by her FSIL's behavior and is bothered that someone who would so publicly dismiss her and their relationship standing behind her at the alter. 
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
I don't think anyone denies her right to be upset, annoyed, or frustrated about this girl.  God knows I would be.  But to respond by kicking her out and whining is really immature.  She can't control this girl.  She can control her own response to her.  And mature adults respond to immature people by letting silly things like this go.  This girl clearly needs/wants attention, wants to pick a fight, and likes starting drama.  Kicking her out (again) will just feed that more.  What OP hopes to accomplish from this is beyond me.  Like pp said, kicking her out won't make her realize the error of her ways.  She'll just kick up the insults into higher gear.  <div>
</div><div>I think she needs to realize that this girl will be a part of her married life (hopefully not a big one, but her FI obviously isn't going to boot his sister from his life completely) and she needs to figure out a way to manage her.  Not just boot her from the wedding and hope that as a result everything will work out.  She's sacrificing the future at the expense of the present.  I think people ready for marriage should realize that and act accordingly.</div>