Negitive Mother

TrinaCasey

I'm relatively newly engaged and my mom doesn't approve. That's her feelings and she has a right to them, so I have refrained from talking about the wedding or related topics for the most part around her. I feel that is respecting her and her feelings. My problem is she will not stop throwing Zingers at me about me and my FI!

The other day we were near the store where our (FI and I) rings are, and I had a question so we (Mom and I) stopped in. I showed her the rings and she said they were nice then asked the price. When the lady told her they were lower priced she said “Oh good then you can get bigger diamonds putt in.”!  Yes I had already though of this myself (I have VERY expensive taste)  but it's all he can afford and it looks GREAT on my finger.
Another time she asked about cloths and she made a veiled comment that he was fat. I don't live with  my FI and when I spend the night she says I'm “Playing House”  I'm sick of this and asked her to stop but her only response was “No. It's fun. Okay okay I'll stop- maybe.”

While she's stopped throwing jokes out at me she still makes the Zingers. Nothing I do is good enough! Now she's complaining that I'm not including her and that my FI's mom is taking her place! Yet she has no time to talk, and when we do I get met with loaded silences.

I'm at a loss, I don't know how to handle this without telling her to get over it. I know this stuff is coming from her own issues, but they are her  issues and I'm tired of dealing with them. My request is basically this: HELLLLLP!!! lol.

Robyn5298

That sounds so frustrating!  I never had a great relationship with my mother and she throws those kind of barbs at me all the time.  She's recently become a lot more pleasant, I think its because I'm finally getting married and doing something she approves of for a change.

Its really sad that you feel you can't share the wedding planning with her, but she's made it clear that she isn't going to be supportive so I can't imagine why she's surprised you aren't keeping her involved.

Maybe you can talk to her and say something like "Mom, I'm sorry you feel like you're not involved enough in the planning process, but you've made your feelings about the wedding very clear and its hurtful to keep hearing your negative comments.  This should be a happy process and I can't discuss the wedding with you if you continue to express your disapproval of the marriage."  Then maybe you can ask her where those feelings come from and at least hear why she feels the way she does.

It might not change her behavior but at least you can get those feelings off your chest.  Maybe if you explain to her how hurtful the situation is she will lighten up.  She might think her comments aren't a big deal and not realize how much she is hurting you.

Good luck.

vegasgroom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_negitive-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:42e1a731-3e36-484e-98a4-fa6160c365aaPost:b5b9c653-b12d-4b92-9fba-5e33233ddad7">Negitive Mother</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm relatively newly engaged and my mom doesn't approve. That's her feelings and she has a right to them, so I have refrained from talking about the wedding or related topics for the most part around her. I feel that is respecting her and her feelings. My problem is she will not stop throwing Zingers at me about me and my FI! The other day we were near the store where our (FI and I) rings are, and I had a question so we (Mom and I) stopped in. I showed her the rings and she said they were nice then asked the price. When the lady told her they were lower priced she said “Oh good then you can get bigger diamonds putt in.”!  Yes I had already though of this myself (I have VERY expensive taste)  but it's all he can afford and it looks GREAT on my finger. Another time she asked about cloths and she made a veiled comment that he was fat. I don't live with  my FI and when I spend the night she says I'm “Playing House”  I'm sick of this and asked her to stop but her only response was “No. It's fun. Okay okay I'll stop- maybe.” While she's stopped throwing jokes out at me she still makes the Zingers. Nothing I do is good enough! Now she's complaining that I'm not including her and that my FI's mom is taking her place! Yet she has no time to talk, and when we do I get met with loaded silences. I'm at a loss, I don't know how to handle this without telling her to get over it. I know this stuff is coming from her own issues, but they are her  issues and I'm tired of dealing with them. My request is basically this: HELLLLLP!!! lol.
Posted by TrinaCasey[/QUOTE]

If she's not mature enough to get over it and continues to insult you and/or FI, then you're going to have to either learn to ignore it or distance yourself from her, not much else you can do.

banana468

I think all you can do is either distance yourself from her or just ignore her.

Stop giving her the satisfaction of a response.  Pretend you just didn't hear what she had to say.

Or, be matter of fact if you're in the position of control, "Mom, you're being disrespectful to the man I'm marrying.  You need to stop."

mbcdefg

Ignore her; avoid going out with her; or if you're out with her and she says something inappropriate, firmly tell her to stop (and walk away, or turn the car around and go home, if she does not).

marinabreeze

I agree with pps (especially malphabet).  Just a couple of extra thoughts...

Do you know why she disapproves of your FI?  Is there a way to address that (depending on what the problem is exactly)?

If your FI treats you well, and it's not a matter of him being a jerk to mom, why not just tell her to get over it?  In a firm yet polite way of course, say something to the effect that you are aware of her feelings on your impending marriage, but this is your decision, and she needs to respect that.

If she won't stop, then the best thing to do is to distance herself from her, unfortunately.

If she is complaining about you getting closer to your FMIL, then let her know that she can't throw barbs at you and not respect your adult decisions yet expect for you to be close to her.  She can't have it both ways...it doesn't work that way, and her childish behavior does have consequences.

TrinaCasey

Mom disapproves of the marriage, not the FI. The cause is her very nasty divorce and distancing myself from her is not an option at the moment and I have to admit I don't want to.
Thank you all for the advice, though, you've given me some ideas.

marinabreeze

Thank you for the clarification.  If you don't want to distance yourself from her, there's not much you can do about her barbs...probably go with giving your mom boundaries (like malphabet suggests), but other than that, I've got nothing.  GL, though.

TrinaCasey

No problem. and thanks again.