Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!

ejrc117

One of my bridesmaids bought her dress too small, thinking it would motivate her to lose weight. We are roommates and have been trying to hold each other accountable for what we have been eating and such, so I have obviously been trying to encourage her not to eat such unhealthy things because A. she wants to lose weight anyway, and B. I want her to fit into her dress! Lately she has been getting upset with me for trying to persuade her not to eat certain things (like a milkshake). I realize the topic of weight is a sensitive issue for some people, but I really have tried to make it a point not to be too pushy about it because I don't want any feelings hurt....but then again, she isn't really trying and as of right now- and her dress won't even zip up. 

How can I express my concern and slight frustration with the fact that this is going on without hurting her feelings too much? I don't want to ask her not to be in the wedding and I certainly don't want her to go through the embarrassment of not being in it because her dress won't fit or for her to wear an ill-fitting dress. I can't ask her to get another one later either because it has been discontinued. 

I don't know what to do!

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:44de158a-21b5-4203-b316-47156f62f87b">Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]One of my bridesmaids bought her dress too small, thinking it would motivate her to lose weight. We are roommates and have been trying to hold each other accountable for what we have been eating and such, so I have obviously been trying to encourage her not to eat such unhealthy things because A. she wants to lose weight anyway, and B. I want her to fit into her dress! Lately she has been getting upset with me for trying to persuade her not to eat certain things (like a milkshake). I realize the topic of weight is a sensitive issue for some people, but I really have tried to make it a point not to be too pushy about it because I don't want any feelings hurt....but then again, she isn't really trying and as of right now- and her dress won't even zip up.  How can I express my concern and slight frustration with the fact that this is going on without hurting her feelings too much? I don't want to ask her not to be in the wedding and I certainly don't want her to go through the embarrassment of not being in it because her dress won't fit or for her to wear an ill-fitting dress. I can't ask her to get another one later either because it has been discontinued.  <strong>I don't know what to do!</strong>
Posted by ejrc117[/QUOTE]

Treat her like an adult who is responsible for her own actions. It's really nice of the two of you to act as motivation for weight loss. It always helps to have a buddy when you're trying to be healthier. But she is an adult and has to deal with the consequences of her actions.

If the dress doesn't fit, she can have a corset back put in, or fabric added in worst case scenarios. Usually dresses can be let out a few inches before any drastic measures need to be taken. She will have to pay for those alterations, so it's out of your hands.

Don't kick her out if the dress doesn't fit. There are plenty of things that can be done to a dress to make it fit, and in the end, is it important that your friend be beside you at your wedding in any dress, or someone not as special to you in the predetermined dress? Worst case scenario: She can wear something else. It may not be your perfect vision, but your friend will be there and that's all that counts.

Edit: I knew I forgot something. Like I said, it's nice to have a buddy when you're trying to get healthy, but if you're hurting her feelings, leave her alone. Don't you feel bad for hurting your friend's feelings? She's allowed to do what she wants, regardless of your wedding/bm dresses.

mbcdefg

Stay out of it, keep your mouth shut about her diet, and let her handle it.

She can either lose the weight, show up at the wedding in a too-tight dress (which is NOT a reflection on you), or she can decide on her own to attend as a guest in whatever dress she wants. Either way, it is not your problem.

It is not your responsibilty to watch her eating habits, motivate her to lose weight, or remind her to get the dress altered properly ... and you have no right to kick her out over a dress. You can't kick someone out of your wedding just because her dress doesn't fit properly.

bablingbrooke

If you made remarks about my eating habits negatively affecting my size I'd be pissed off at you too.

ejrc117

This was something we agreed to do together. We live together and were holding each other accountable. When she wanted to break our diet, I would try to discourage her from doing it and she would do the same for me when I wanted to break it. I was in no way making negative remarks regarding her size. I was simply doing what we agreed to do.

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:e642a6fd-42b8-4c2f-b99a-f2917d43521e">Re: Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]This was something we agreed to do together. We live together and were holding each other accountable. When she wanted to break our diet, I would try to discourage her from doing it and she would do the same for me when I wanted to break it. I was in no way making negative remarks regarding her size. I was simply doing what we agreed to do.
Posted by ejrc117[/QUOTE]

Right, but it's hurting her feelings. That's a deal breaker. If what I'm doing hurts a friend, I won't do it anymore. This is one of those situations.

ejrc117

It's not even the fact that these things are hurting her feelings. They're not! She's just gotten tired of putting forth the effort that dieting takes. 

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:fc29973f-f505-4fad-87f7-6e876eedc352">Re: Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not even the fact that these things are hurting her feelings. They're not! She's just gotten tired of putting forth the effort that dieting takes. 
Posted by ejrc117[/QUOTE]

This is not the reply post you originally put up...

Anyway, you said in your original post that you wanted a way to not hurt her feelings too much and have a conversation essentially about how you're worried she's too much of a cow for her dress <--my words, not yours, so don't take it that way. I know you didn't say that, but you are concerned she'll be too big for her dress.

The answer is: If you're planning on doing something or actually doing something that hurts your friend's feelings, don't. She's an adult and can deal with the consequences of her decisions. Worry about something else and let her deal with this.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:fc29973f-f505-4fad-87f7-6e876eedc352">Re: Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not even the fact that these things are hurting her feelings. They're not! She's just gotten tired of putting forth the effort that dieting takes. 
Posted by ejrc117[/QUOTE]

Again, though, it's not your responsibility to make sure she follows her diet.

Look. I realize that you both agreed to hold each other accountable for what you eat, but it's clear that she's no longer interested in doing this. Just because you made a promise a while back doesn't mean that you're 100% obligated to keep it up if it's obviously not working anymore.

So, for the sake of your friendship, just quit talking about her eating habits and her weight gain/lack of weight loss, and let her handle her own diet and worry about her dress size herself.

If she's commenting on what YOU eat, then decide if you can handle her comments, or if upsets you as well then you should make a mutual agreement to leave each other alone about it from now on.

Ashes_3

Just try to stay positive. My BM bought her dress 2 sizes to small and I told her that she was wearing it one way or another. She has lost weight and fits into it! She just had to have positive reenforcement

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:fc29973f-f505-4fad-87f7-6e876eedc352">Re: Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]It's not even the fact that these things are hurting her feelings. They're not! She's just gotten tired of putting forth the effort that dieting takes. 
Posted by ejrc117[/QUOTE]

Then for her the diet is over, and you need to stop "reminding" her.  When the diet was important to HER, it became important to you.  Now that the diet is no longer important to HER, you need to let it go.

As for the dress:  her decision to order the size she did, thus her decision to make it work.  You're not her mommy.  Stop treating her like a child.

banana468

I have to echo PPs.  She made a choice to buy the dress in the size she did.  It's up to her to figure out how to make that work.

stina93446

When people are trying to lose weight, the last thing they need is someone nagging at them to lose more weight. Get off her back.

NatandIsaac

I think it's fine to say "I'm fixing myself a salad, do you want some too?," but I would never comment on someone's weight or food choices, even if we were trying to lose weight/get in shape together.

berkleighsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:79137a6b-8708-49aa-a95f-fcdd76fd064e">Re: Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Bridesmaid bought her dress too small! : Treat her like an adult who is responsible for her own actions. It's really nice of the two of you to act as motivation for weight loss. It always helps to have a buddy when you're trying to be healthier. But she is an adult and has to deal with the consequences of her actions. If the dress doesn't fit, she can have a corset back put in, or fabric added in worst case scenarios. Usually dresses can be let out a few inches before any drastic measures need to be taken. She will have to pay for those alterations, so it's out of your hands. Don't kick her out if the dress doesn't fit. There are plenty of things that can be done to a dress to make it fit, and in the end, is it important that your friend be beside you at your wedding in any dress, or someone not as special to you in the predetermined dress? Worst case scenario: She can wear something else. It may not be your perfect vision, but your friend will be there and that's all that counts. Edit: I knew I forgot something. Like I said, it's nice to have a buddy when you're trying to get healthy, but if you're hurting her feelings, leave her alone. Don't you feel bad for hurting your friend's feelings? She's allowed to do what she wants, regardless of your wedding/bm dresses.
Posted by Licia&Wayne[/QUOTE]
I couldn't have said it any better. OP, please follow her solid advice!

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-bought-her-dress-small?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:44e8a19c-ab98-42c2-b047-8b2f30e756c8Post:e642a6fd-42b8-4c2f-b99a-f2917d43521e">Re: Bridesmaid bought her dress too small!</a>:
[QUOTE]This was something we agreed to do together. We live together and were holding each other accountable. When she wanted to break our diet, I would try to discourage her from doing it and she would do the same for me when I wanted to break it. I was in no way making negative remarks regarding her size. I was simply doing what we agreed to do.
Posted by ejrc117[/QUOTE]

That's not the point, the point is that maybe, just maybe you've nagged her too much. There is a thin line between holding her accountable and being a nag. At the end of the day, it's her decision and it really isn't your problem. She'll be the one to pay through the nose for alterations if need be.