I think one of my bridemaids wants to drop out of my wedding

dainamariekennedy

One of my bridesmaids lives about 2 hours away. At first, there wasn't a problem. She seemed very happy that I'd asked her 5 months ago.

Now, I've been getting emails saying she's too far away to fulfill her role. I pretty much have everything planned. Bridesmaids are supplying their own blue dresses (which can be something they already have) and their own black shoes. I'm supplying hair piece and jewlery and paying for Hair and Makeup. No shower or bachlorette.

So there very isn't much for her todo except show up on the day.

Today I got an email from her saying 'she really doesn't know why I asked her, but she'll try her best'.

How do I handle this? I don't want to come off as bitchy, but I don't know what to say? I feel like she's trying to hurt me in order the get out of the wedding. Then if I do drop her as a bridesmaid, should I also take her off the guest list?

HELP?!?!?

marissa_claire

You say "I want you there because you're one of my closest friends."  It's that simple.  If she wants to step down she will, although you should have an open and honest talk about why she might feel that way.  It's easy enough to tell her that she has no obligations outside of the wedding day.  And in that case just say, "It would mean a lot to me if you were a part of this special day."   

bablingbrooke

Do you know if something happened to her?

aerinpegadrak

"Honey, I get the feeling that there's something bothering you.  What's up?  I'm a little worried."

It sounds like your heart's in the right place.  Leave the wedding out of it, and find out why she's pulling away.

But don't be the one to drop her.  If she would rather not be a BM, or not attend the wedding at all, that should be her call.

dainamariekennedy

Thanks for the help

gottahavashorti

Let her know that if she's able to make it to the wedding, that's more than enough to fulfill her role.  And see if there's anything else going on in her life (or with your friendship).

If she drops out, I'd still send her an invitation.

trix1223

My first thought was that perhaps the other BMs have been contacting her about a shower or b-party that's out of her ability to pay for and/or attend.  Is that a possibility?

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_think-one-of-bridemaids-wants-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:48138155-4ce3-463a-9913-30a175000cc4Post:3dc1ba41-79c9-448c-b730-2f9da2c2863f">Re: I think one of my bridemaids wants to drop out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]My first thought was that perhaps the other BMs have been contacting her about a shower or b-party that's out of her ability to pay for and/or attend.  Is that a possibility?
Posted by trix1223[/QUOTE]

This is what I thought.  She might be worried about disappointing you.

One of my BMs has asked me if I don't want her in the WP.  She's concerned b/c she hasn't been able to commit (grad school in England) and doesn't want to mess up my "vision" (her word).  I told her there's absolutely no rush and my only vision is to have my closest friends up there with me. 

mbcdefg

Just reassure her that you expect nothing more from her than to stand up in the wedding, and hopefully she will relax.

If she keeps insisting that she can't do it, ask her if there's anything she wants to talk about, or anything she needs help with. From there, see if you can help her out or whatever.

If she just says that she wants to drop out, then tell her you understand and that you'll be happy to have her as a guest if that makes her happier than being a bridesmaid. You shouldn't remove her as a bridesmaid, but if she drops out on her own then that's her right.

No, you shouldn't withdraw the invitation to be a guest. Why would you do that? She's done nothing wrong. Withdrawing her invitation would mean the end of your friendship.

Why do you think she's trying to "hurt" you? I don't get why you feel that way. Asking her to be a bridesmaid is an invitation, not a subpoena, and she has the right to change her mind if something comes up.

Did she say something else that you haven't mentioned here? Otherwise, there's really no reason why you should take it so personally if she drops out.

aleighk1

It is so nice to see someone whose bridesmaid is worried about not being able to do her job rather than the bride being worried that the bridesmaid won't do what she asks. 

Just let her know that all she has to do is find a cute blue dress and show up. Maybe she thinks that you're expecting her to do more than that? 

I ditto the PPs and think you should just talk to her and see what's up.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_think-one-of-bridemaids-wants-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48138155-4ce3-463a-9913-30a175000cc4Post:496bba0e-91b7-4657-a9e4-824990506522">Re: I think one of my bridemaids wants to drop out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>It is so nice to see someone whose bridesmaid is worried about not being able to do her job rather than the bride being worried that the bridesmaid won't do what she asks.  </strong>Just let her know that all she has to do is find a cute blue dress and show up. Maybe she thinks that you're expecting her to do more than that?  I ditto the PPs and think you should just talk to her and see what's up.
Posted by aleighk1[/QUOTE]
What on earth is nice about this situation?

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_think-one-of-bridemaids-wants-drop-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:48138155-4ce3-463a-9913-30a175000cc4Post:4f7b06e0-0181-4fd2-a197-79571762273f">Re: I think one of my bridemaids wants to drop out of my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I think one of my bridemaids wants to drop out of my wedding : What on earth is nice about this situation?
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I had to laugh at this.

But seriously, what about a BM stressing over a wedding is so great?

lauralaur

My brother, several times actually, offered to drop out of our wedding. His reasoning was that we had more groomsmen than bridesmaids. I was a little hurt about it at first and asked him why he kept offering. And told him I was a bit hurt because it left me wondering if he wanted to be in our wedding. When really, my brother just hasn't spent quite the amount of time I have planning/thinking about weddings. He honest to God thought he was doing me a favor by offering to drop out because to him, the wedding party needed to be even. It never occurred to him that we didn't care about that, only that there would be a wedding, and weddings, *traditionally* mean certain things.

My point is, it's possible your bridesmaid may genuinely think that she is supposed to help plan a shower, and a bachelorette, and assemble favors, and stuff invitations, and the list goes on... when really it's not the case. Ditto pp and just call her and ask her what's going on.