Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?

[Deleted User]

Hi All,

I usually don't take to the internet for advice, but I'm so stuck, it's beyond belief!

My sister and I are two years apart in age, and until I started dating my now-fiance, she and I were very close to each other. She has a very dominating personality, so I was always the submissive one in our relationship. Since being with my fiance, I have learned to stand up for myself much better, and I feel like I've become a much stronger person. My sister cannot stand my fiance! She and I are no longer close, and it hurts us both. But she has told me that my 7-month-old niece will never be around my fiance NO MATTER WHAT. Family functions will either include me alone or if he comes along, she, her child, and her husband will not attend. After many talks with her, she still will not budge. She believes that I am settling for someone who will take me based upon low self-esteem, and she doesn't want her path to cross with my fiance's AT ALL. When I speak of him, she glosses over the subject as if I never mentioned him, and she will never be in the same place as he is.

Due to all of this, we have a lot of tension in our relationship now, but when I got engaged, she told me she was sorry that she had alienated me and that she would love to be a part of my wedding, as I was the MOH in hers. My finace doesn't even want her to be at the wedding, much less in it, but I dont' know what to do. I'm trying to get my relationship with my sister back on track, but I'm having a hard time with thinking of her in the wedding when she is SO AGAINST everything to do with him, and she has dictated so many terms to our future even within my family (who I'm very close to). Please help! I love her so much, and I miss my relationship with her, but I dont' know how to have both her and my fiance be happy on the wedding day. Should I allow her in the wedding party?

[Deleted User]

He has tried with her, but he's had some trouble in his past, so she thinks he is not good enough for me. He's not that person anymore, and I wouldn't be with him if he was. No one else in my family has this problem, just her. He no longer tries with her, because she is SO UNYIELDING. I stand up for myself better, in that I no longer allow anyone to walk on me. I have made some happy changes in my life so that I am no longer in relationships with people who use me or take advantage of me. She is actually included in that. While I have never excluded her from my life, I no longer let her take advantage of me the way she used to when we were younger. I am the middle child, and I was the cliche. I never felt as good as my sister, and would pretty much do anything for her, even though she would not to the same for me. I've always been the one to blink first with her, and this is just one more example of why I think she doesnt' like him.

Example. When her daughter was born, I was geting a call almost every week to come "visit" even though they live an hour and a half away. These "visits" included me taking care of her daughter while she and her husband caught up on sleep. I never actually got to spend time with my sister during these "visits." So I stopped coming as much, and when I do see them now, I make my sister take care of her own child. This is just one example. I have so many more in our 28 years as sisters, but this is the most recent and hurtful. I was a glorified babysitter. I love my niece, but I am not her nanny.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:27fb1f93-dece-4f89-ad45-7dc933b66edd">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, either you sister needs to be institutionalized or there is more to this story than we're getting.  What EXACTLY is it about your FI that she hates so much she refuses to allow her child in his presence?  Can you also give us some examples of ways he's helped you "stand up for yourself" better?  Are the feelings here mutual or does he try to make an effort with your sister? I just can not give advice without more info.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

renegade gaucho

So it sounds like she hasn't reached out to your fiance and is maintaining her policy of not allowing her daughter around him, even though she apologized to you.  Without knowing more about your fiance's past and how long ago it was, I can't say whether she's justified in her stance, but I do think that if she expects to be in your wedding you should tell her that she can't apologize just to you- she needs to apologize to your fiance and support your marriage.

I will also say that I would be a little worried that your sister's recent attempts to reach out to you and turn over a new leaf are short-lived tactics designed to manipulate you back into a relationship with her so she can start treating you poorly again.  If she really has no legitimate reason to be concerned about your fiance at this point, I can see why he would be hesitant to allow her back into your life.

How soon is your wedding? At the very least, I think you should wait as long as you possibly can to decide whether you want her standing up with you.  In the meantime, try spending more time with her and see how things go- if after several months you feel like your relationship with her is still heading in a positive direction, then you can think about including her in your wedding party.

[Deleted User]

Renegade, my FI made a mistake YEARS ago, but I knew him then, and I know him now. His past is just that-his past. Our wedding is in February, so we're getting down to cruch-time. My sister and I both are making attempts to hang out more and work on our relationship, but even when I told her we booked the honeymoon just a few days ago, her attitude was one of it not being good enough. It's hurtful, and she says she wants to be there for me, but even she admits that she's not sure if she'll be able to smile and pretend like nothing is wrong. =( The whole situation is awful. My sister SHOULD be able to be there for me, as I was for her, but she just doesn't seem willing enough...

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:746213bc-1a7e-40b8-948e-762de2494eda">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]So it sounds like she hasn't reached out to your fiance and is maintaining her policy of not allowing her daughter around him, even though she apologized to you.  Without knowing more about your fiance's past and how long ago it was, I can't say whether she's justified in her stance, but I do think that if she expects to be in your wedding you should tell her that she can't apologize just to you- she needs to apologize to your fiance and support your marriage. I will also say that I would be a little worried that your sister's recent attempts to reach out to you and turn over a new leaf are short-lived tactics designed to manipulate you back into a relationship with her so she can start treating you poorly again.  If she really has no legitimate reason to be concerned about your fiance at this point, I can see why he would be hesitant to allow her back into your life. How soon is your wedding? At the very least, I think you should wait as long as you possibly can to decide whether you want her standing up with you.  In the meantime, try spending more time with her and see how things go- if after several months you feel like your relationship with her is still heading in a positive direction, then you can think about including her in your wedding party.
Posted by renegade gaucho[/QUOTE]

Benny618

If a relative openly disliked my FI and did not feel confident that they could hide their disdain even on my wedding day, I would not ask that relative to stand up next to me as a bridesmaid. 

theelusive1

Why does she hate him so much?  I do not see my brother (he hates me) but I do not stop my children from seeing him.    I would if he was a molester but that is not the case. He just hates me.  No reason it is just him.

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:3fae02e8-e56e-4ed2-8145-c9e3343a66c6">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why does she hate him so much?  I do not see my brother (he hates me) but I do not stop my children from seeing him.    I would if he was a molester but that is not the case. He just hates me.  No reason it is just him.
Posted by theelusive1[/QUOTE]

I think this is really the question - without knowing specifically why you sister dislikes your FI, to the lengths that she won't allow her child around him, I think it's really difficult to know what to make of your story. 

Example:  If the "mistake" was, let's say, a juvy record for a B&E when he was 16, then yes, your sister should get over it.  If the "mistake" was him hitting you, cheating on you, molesting a child (again I am JUST using examples - not saying he actually did any of these things), then your sister's dislike of him may be more understandable.

Regardless, it sounds like there's enough turmoil in your and your sister's relationship that she may not be the best pick for your wedding party.  Maybe consider just having her as a guest and including her in family pics, etc.  Best of luck.

bridalmarch

I agree that what this mistake was may have a bearing on sister's view of him. 

I would invite her to dinner with you and FI. Let her get to know him and see for herself that he's a changed man. If she can't sit through a meal with him, I would advise against asking her to be in the WP. The wedding day is not the time to start their relationship. I would definitely invite her to the wedding either way and let her decide if she wants to attend and be civil. 

[Deleted User]

Her main cause to dislike him is that she says he isn't good enough for me and that I deserve better. He was not a molester by any means, but she's decided to use her child as a weapon to try to force my hand. My FI doesn't care, but if he isnt' welcome wherever my niece is, it makes it difficult for me. It's manipulative and hurtful.

[Deleted User]

I'm skirting around telling his business, because it's just that. His business. It's very painful for him, and he has moved forward with his life. It does not harm anyone and shouldn't offend. He is human. He made a mistake. He righted his wrong, and now we've both moved on. I respect him enough to not post his past mistakes on the internet for strangers to see.

I'm also not asking anyone to 'take sides.' There are no 'sides' in this. I'm just looking for outsiders' opinions as to what they would do in a situation where a family member behaves this way.

My sister is just the type that she truly believes that she knows what's best for EVERYONE (not just me, she does it to my mother, as well). In her opinion, my FI isn't what's best for me, so she's rigidly holding to her disapproval in such a way that it almost makes it impossible to have him and my family around at the same time. It's just a difficult situation, and I'm trying to see a way around it.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:fe56a91a-b6d7-4402-9ec2-d3614c13fb62">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not? : The fact that you keep skirting around whatever this "mistake" was tells me it's pretty dang bad and you are worried that telling us will cause us to possibly take your sister's side.  That alone makes me think it's less about using her child as a weapon and more about protecting her.  Right or wrong, your sister seems to have geniune worry about your FI and the more you post, honestly, the more I think she has reason to.
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

beardo1111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:3ade0601-bbde-4b5a-a89d-81b05967f862">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'm skirting around telling his business, because it's just that. His business. It's very painful for him, and he has moved forward with his life. It does not harm anyone and shouldn't offend. He is human. He made a mistake. He righted his wrong, and now we've both moved on</strong>. I respect him enough to not post his past mistakes on the internet for strangers to see. I'm also not asking anyone to 'take sides.' There are no 'sides' in this. I'm just looking for outsiders' opinions as to what they would do in a situation where a family member behaves this way. My sister is just the type that she truly believes that she knows what's best for EVERYONE (not just me, she does it to my mother, as well). In her opinion, my FI isn't what's best for me, so she's rigidly holding to her disapproval in such a way that it almost makes it impossible to have him and my family around at the same time. It's just a difficult situation, and I'm trying to see a way around it. In Response to Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not? :
Posted by lauricatM[/QUOTE]

I mean....it sounds like he did something pretty bad. I completely understand not wanting to post details on the internet - but I don't think anyone can really give you objective advice because no one really understands the situation. Clearly your sister has a solid reason in her mind to dislike him and disprove of your marriage - whether she's crazy or she has a legitimate reason to is anyone's guess because we don't know the whole story. REGARDLESS - if she's opposed to your marriage, I wouldn't have her in the wedding party. I'd have her a guest and expect her to keep her feelings to herself for the day, smile politely, and act like an adult.

greenwoodheights

Personally, I see a wedding as about the marriage, the union itself- not me specifically. And if my sister did not support the union, I can’t see why I’d want her or anyone there on “opening day” so to speak, who frowned upon that union. I can’t see why she’d want to be there, either.

Peledreamsofrain

I call 'bunk' on this. It's indelicate to air his dirty laundry on the internet, but not your sister's? I'm sorry, but I agree with the others, you are sounding some warning bells here. I will tell you this: any man with domestic abuse or pedophilia charges just does't come near my kids. Period. If my sister wants to scream at me and call me a jerk, sad story, but my kids come first. No negotiations, even if that makes me a 'badguy'. At least i'm a badguy with safe children.

[Deleted User]

Alright folks, this thread has gotten off-topic, and I'm sorry if I've contributed to that. Without giving up his privacy, let me make it very clear that there is no molestation, pedophelia, or violence in his past! None of you know me, but I would not allow someone with those problems in my life, because I won't allow anyone to bring ME down, much less have access to my family. He has never hurt anyone in anyway, and I know he never would.

This being said...My mom, my dad, my brother, and the entire rest of my family have NO PROBLEMS with him whatsoever. They see that he makes me happy, and that makes them happy. My sister can even say that she sees that he makes me happy, but she can't move past a stupid, very human mistake that he made over 10 years ago.

This is not about my FI's past, though. I'm looking at my future. The happy thing that we all look toward when getting married to the person that loves us and that we love just as much. I have just hit a wall, because something has to break somewhere, and my sister isn't budging, and the only place she wants me to break is in who I'm marrying. Not gonna happen, so thus coming here for help. I'm heartbroken about the entire situation, and I want my sister in the wedding, but I also know that she doesn't support our marriage in any way.

jennylee813

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:404d9c1b-3fb1-40f0-a956-ae09f12f6ab7">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally, I see a wedding as about the marriage, the union itself- not me specifically. <strong>And if my sister did not support the union, I can’t see why I’d want her or anyone there</strong> on “opening day” so to speak, who frowned upon that union. I can’t see why she’d want to be there, either.
Posted by greenwoodheights[/QUOTE]

This.

Without getting into the personal details, I say that anyone who isn't happy for you or supporting the union has no place there.

It hurts when relationships with family members fall apart, but they do fall apart. My sister and I haven't spoken for almost three years because she is in an abusive relationship and I tried to get her out. She knows that as long as she stays I will be absent from her life, but when she wants help to go, I will be there.

Needless to say, she will not be a bridesmaid at my upcoming wedding either...

mcda04

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-drama-to-be-in-the-party-or-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:48c92a0d-7b01-4796-a11f-22f4fe804f82Post:6eb08df9-fddd-4fa5-90d0-c775faebda30">Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not?</a>:
[QUOTE]He has tried with her, but he's had some trouble in his past, so she thinks he is not good enough for me. He's not that person anymore, and I wouldn't be with him if he was. No one else in my family has this problem, just her. He no longer tries with her, because she is SO UNYIELDING. I stand up for myself better, in that I no longer allow anyone to walk on me. I have made some happy changes in my life so that I am no longer in relationships with people who use me or take advantage of me. She is actually included in that. While I have never excluded her from my life, I no longer let her take advantage of me the way she used to when we were younger. I am the middle child, and I was the cliche. I never felt as good as my sister, and would pretty much do anything for her, even though she would not to the same for me. I've always been the one to blink first with her, and this is just one more example of why I think she doesnt' like him. Example. When her daughter was born, I was geting a call almost every week to come "visit" even though they live an hour and a half away. These "visits" included me taking care of her daughter while she and her husband caught up on sleep. I never actually got to spend time with my sister during these "visits." So I stopped coming as much, and when I do see them now, I make my sister take care of her own child. This is just one example. I have so many more in our 28 years as sisters, but this is the most recent and hurtful. I was a glorified babysitter. I love my niece, but I am not her nanny. In Response to Re: Sister Drama - To be in the Party or Not? :
Posted by lauricatM[/QUOTE]
I'm basing my response on this. She sounds to me like she has older sister syndrome. super protective, judgemental and always right.
I know what you mean, talk to her, you said she WANTED to be in the BP party so next time she brings it up, tell her how hurt you are about her not accepting your FI. If she's really as controlling and stubborn as she sounds, she might choose not to attend at all though.