I'm really trying not to upset my single bridesmaid

emilykathleen511

I would just pretend like she's not there whenever she said sh*t like that. Then, when she decides to be sane again, I would pretend like it never happened. Something like this:

Her: "I'm too smart and I speak my mind, thats why I'm single and youre not, guys dont like it when youre smart"

You (as if you didn't even hear what she said): Have you seen Avatar yet? It looks like a good movie, don't you think?

Then, she will either try to keep being crazy, in which case you should just walk away and/or continue to ignore her, or she'll decide to be sane again and not say shi*t like that anymore. If she has any later relapses, just do the same thing again.

psichick

what do you say to her? you tell her that if she was so smart she wouldn't need a man in her life to keep her from being miserable. and that you hope her engagement is just as good if not better than yours when it happens, but until then to stop trying to make your engagement suck.

and just to twist the knife a little tell her than men certainly do like it when women are smart, they just don't like it when they are a miserable selfish bitch. i don't think i like this girl much.

JNL$LSM

Are you ladies for real, she should stop talking about her wedding around others to make them feel good. Grow the heck up! They live together and right now her wedding is a big part of her life. As a true friend she should be happy for you  for meeting the man of your dreams, not a drag because she hasn't found the man of her dreams.

Then for her to say things like:

"well, if it ever happens for me, which it wont, it's gonna be so much bigger and better than yours" or "I'm too smart and I speak my mind, thats why I'm single and youre not, guys dont like it when youre smart."

I would say this is not your wedding and when you have a wedding which your are not you can do it your way. Until then it is my show, I would love for you to be a part of it.

desireea0217

at this point it sounds like she is just being downright mean to you as a way to cope with her jealousy. do not let her rain on your parade in any way. it is your wedding and (hopefully) a once in a lifetime event. it is ok to be sensitive to her feelings and to try to accomadate her but is not ok to sensor everything you say in front of her at all times. if she cannot at least be happy for you then she has no right to demand any special treatment. i would have a heart to heart with her about it and honestly ask her what she wants from you. you do not need to be worried about someone else being miserable on your wedding day!

kimberlyann1974

Wow, she says that to you?! That would totally flip me out, and I'm a patient person who can tolerate a lot...you must be a saint! LOL. Seriously though, stop worrying about her so much. You and others have gone above and beyond what you need to do to make her happy...and the truth is you shouldn't. It's probably making her do it even more. Oh you'll make your boyfriend not come over anymore to please me?..Thats  a lot of power to give one girl, she may not be doing it on purpose but she was probably thrilled by that and wondering what else she can get people to do for her. She needs help. She sounds as if she's dealing a lot from her parents, which is ridiculous that they're saying those kinds of things period, much less when she is only 22. But just because someone broke her heart does not mean noone else can be happy. She reminds me of a friend I once had...I actually quit being friends with her recently. She thought the world revolved around her. She revels in her own self pity, and brought everyone down with her. I tried to maintain this friendship for nearly 10 years. I even made her a BM in my wedding, my sister was my MOH and she would have been too....same situation as you..anyway...long story short she had been bad mouthing me for about a year and a half about me being a horrible friend because I couldn't drop everything(I'm a mom and she wanted to party) to hang out with her, however anytime she had a real crisis..I was there..then she moved away and told me she couldn't afford to make it and didn't know when and if she'd see me again and have a nice life...so that took her out of the wedding. I recently got a message yelling at me about her not being my MOH and wanting to know why I wasn't talking to her about the wedding anymore...I told her she told me she couldn't make it...she promptly removed me from any and all friends lists she has. Sounds like you're dealing with the same kind've girl. She has issues. Thats not to say you shouldn't be her friend...but you've gotta ignore the drama and do what you need to do. You're already doing the best you can do...at this point it's up to her.

Good luck,

Kimberly

haleighb

I have the same problem with one of my BMs and it's so hard to deal with.  It's only natural to be excited and want to talk about your plans with the women you're sharing it with!  Whenever I bring up wedding stuff my BM asks me if she's going to alone forever and if I think she'll get married too.  I just tell her every time (and she'll do it multiple times a day) that she will and she just has to stop stressing about it.  I'm worried to take her dress shopping with me because she just can't be happy for anyone else when she is so miserable with herself.  Does that mean we cut them as BMs?  Does it mean we change the way we think and act to make them feel comfortable?  I just don't know!  If we keep her out of the loop it will hurt her feelings and if we keep her in the loop it will hurt her self esteem...I just don't know. 

I guess my solution is going to be to ask her how much of a role she wants to play, and let her know that this is my time to be excited and giddy and I need her to put her own self esteem issues aside to help!

dixiedrummer07

I can definitely relate to all of this!  My "moh" (which I am using that term loosely) is single, and very selfish and self centered.  Every time anything wedding comes up she is bitter and has on more than one instance, tried telling me exactly what to pick for MY wedding and acted like her opinion is more important than mine. (dress style, color, where to meet, etc..)

I don't have a whole lot of advice to offer, but have you considered how your friendship with her will be after you are married?  She's acting like this is the most terrible thing in the world, and once you're married, you will definitely not be single any more!  Is she going to straighten up after 8 months of constantly belittling your wedding?  I doubt it.. and what fun is it to be happy about an event that you have to walk on eggshells around her?

Hope this helped a little!  Good luck!

p.s. if she is 22, and she had a bad relationship 5 years ago she was 17? okay honestly, not many people find their soul mate at 17 so maybe you can be like "everyone has a terrible relationship before they find 'the one' so at least you've gotten yours out of the way!"

JMU_Bride09

I agree with LaurLaur as well.  Sitting down and having a heart to heart with her about the situation is probably best.  Otherwise, you are likely to bottle up your frustrations and snap on her at some point.  Best to be upfront.  Tell her that you want to be there and support her, that you understand how she feels about her single status, and that you are trying to be mindful of that.  Tell her that you will try to keep wedding discussions to a minimum, but that you need her to be able to handle certain aspects of it (i.e. her duties: the dress, etc).  I understand that she's hurting and that you want to be a good friend and not unnecessarily upset her, but to be honest, it doesn't sound like she realizes how her actions are affecting you.  The best solution would be for you both to explain your feelings to each other.  Good luck!

gcs25

If this girl is 22 it is insane for her to be still upset over a guy she dated as a teenager.  I had a similar situation at my wedding with my SIL. 
#1 Do a sweetheart table for you and FI, split the bridal party up amongst other friends/cousins etc. Seat her where she'd be most comfortable and try to have some other singles her table so she doesn't feel weird. Trust me you really don't want everyone's random dates inthe pictures of your table anyway, chances are not all the couples there will wind up married.
#2 Whenever she says something negative about relationships remind her that she still is highly likely to get married before 30. Tell her that she needs to just think positivly about her situation and go out and meet guys. She's young enough that she should still be out there going to bars and giving her number out all the time. She'll feel better once she has a boyfriend but no guy is going to be attracted to someone who's always whining and complaining.
#3 Nobody should be changing their lives to make her feel comfortable, as far as not doing wedding stuff in your own apartment or the other roommate not having her bf over.
I understand not wanting to be constantly rubbing it in her face but you also don't need to have your parade rained on. This is your engagement and you only get this special time once.

momofayden

Personally I think you have done enough.  I would stop tip toeing around her all together and she has to deal with it period. 

Her: My wedding will be better than yours.  men like an assertive woman not like you...blah blah blah.....
You: that's a realy crappy thing to say to a friend about her wedding.  thanks for that.  when your wedding comes i'll make sure to say equally crappy comments to you but just a peice of friendly advice,  no one guy likes a bitter bitch so you might want to change your tune or you will continue to be single. 
That will shut her up quick.

But seriously she's 22.  she is far too young to be this dam bitter over a breakup when she was 17 and in HIGH SCHOOL.  She needs to put her big girl panties on.  Life isn't all puppies and rainbows. 

She's not being a friend to you at all in any capacity.  I'd be done with her all together until she can figure out what a dumbass she is being.  You will look back on this time and remember how nasty she is being.  YOU have to decide if you want to keep going down this road with her or make a detour.

emillee21

Its not right or fair of your friend to be acting like this. Its your special time that you can never get back. And you shouldn't have to stop talking about the wedding in front of her if she can't handle it then she needs back out. You have gone above and beyond to make her happy and now you need to make you happy!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_im-really-trying-not-upset-single-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4988f8db-fc70-4357-b8f6-0591e7a930fdPost:050a38ab-14e8-426c-93aa-84588c1456a8">Re: I'm really trying not to upset my single bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Its not right or fair of your friend to be acting like this. Its your special time that you can never get back. And you shouldn't have to stop talking about the wedding in front of her if she can't handle it then she needs back out. You have gone above and beyond to make her happy and now you need to make you happy!
Posted by emillee21[/QUOTE]

Oh barf. Come back in a couple months when you've driven everyone around you insane after insisting that they need to give you your "special time."

OP, it sounds like your friend is being a biatch, but it's a friend issue rather than a WP issue. PPs have given you good advice, and I hope that she realizes that being single isn't the end of the world (especially at 22!).

aejames76

There comes a point when you have to think about yourself. I could underdstand if at first she was upset then got over it but for her to be only 22 and think she will never be married is insane. If she complains and judges everything to guys then no wonder why she is single. You shouldn't have to not talk about YOUR wedding in front of her or around her. If she doesnt want to hear about it then tell her to walk away. No she is using this for a pitty party and it isnt fair to you. Good Luck with it all and I understand what you mean about giving her an option to back down.

jesstevens214

Sit her down and start by saying that you just want her to listen and that she'll have her time to respond w/o you talking also.  I recommend meeting in a public place to keep you both in check and to keep things from getting really out of control.  Also say things in "I feel..." statements.  Otherwise she could think you are attacking her.  Keep it about your feelings and as a true friend she will care about your feelings even if she's not thrilled about weddings, BM, flowers, dresses, etc.  I know you've already told her that she'll find Mr. Right eventually but you can also pose it as no one that's good enough for her has come along yet.  As for her comments about you not being smart b/c you're gettting married you can just remind her that if she really felt that way she wouldn't be so upset that she's still single.  I hope this is somewhat helpful.

kaynix21

Whoa, whoa whoa. She is 22. And her breakup was five years ago....that puts her at 17? Sweet jesus. Really?

It's high school! boys cheat. Most of those relationships from high school don't matter!

I say some because if you Laura are 23 and have been with FI for six years, you started dating when you were probably juniors in high school, just like my FI and I.

Your friend sounds like a biatch. Straight up. You know at first I was feeling sorry for her and sort of understood, because I have a friend who is throwing herself a pity part about her life, in general, and not dating anyone...and blah blah blah how her life is miserable and it sucks (which it doesn't).

But she is my hero right now compared to your friend.

I know a lot of people will start saying your too young and so is she, so what do you expect? But people our age can actually like adults. It's not all that difficult. Clearly she is a little drama queen who is stuck in high school and she needs to knock it off.

She is beimg completely ridiculous.

I agree with the PPs, I know you've tried, but you have to try talking to her again. This is one of the most important events in your life and she is raining on your parade (a subtle parade of course). But to decide to not wear your veil because you'll look like less of a bride....for real? If you want to wear your veil all night long, do it! That is completely ridiculous.

When you are the only two home (so she doesn't feel like everyone is attacking her) you need to tell her you need to talk, and lay it out. Clear and straight forward because this has got to stop. That is awful.

I know she's sad and hurting but move on hun!

I'm I'm sorry if this sounds mean, but after your last two posts about her, she deserves it.

I wouldn't ask her to leave your wedding party unless this gets infinitely worse. Which it's pretty freaking bad already.

I commend you for being able to put up with her. I probably would've punched her in the face.

Pretty Parula

#1 - At 22 and 23, you and your friend are mere pups. There is nothing at all wrong with getting married at a young age, but there is something rather neurotic about her attitude toward being single at 22. Seriously? She's gonna act like her life is over because of a dumb high school guy? Come on... that's just too much melodrama, and it sounds contrived to me - cry for attention, much?

#2 - Why did you pick someone who was already so bitter about being single to be a BM? This sort of thing never goes well. Hindsight is 20/20, I know, but you might have been able to predict that this might hurt her feelings (not your fault at all, totally her problem, but still) and talk to her about this before picking your BMs. I don't get why this seems to happen to so many gals? Could be because I AM the last single gal in my group and I wasn't ever the bitter BM, so perhaps you can ignore this one... I just had to vent that one. Sorry.

#3 - Moving forward, pp's have given you some good advice. Heart-to-heart talks can often help, if you catch her in a good mood. If she's already snippy/defensive it won't work, so plan your approach carefully. Also, quickly cutting off her stank comments will likely put an end to that issue quickly, but may not cease her brooding. Thus, the heart-to-heart.

#4 - Perhaps it's time for a full-scale intervention? (Anybody watch How I Met Your Mother? lol) You and your pals can't do anything about the flack she gets from her family, which I find creepy and dysfunctional, but whatev. You can, however, point out to her how many OTHER people she knows who are her age and single, and set up some girls' night dates and make her go out with you (someplace she'll like, of course) where you don't deal with anything wedding, and tell her that you don't intend to leave her out of your wedding party business, but you're just not going to talk to her about it anymore unless it's necessary because her attitude is bad for both of you. 

You could also come up with a list of things she could do to either meet a guy or otherwise occupy herself so she doesn't have time to sulk about the lack of a guy. (Better than meeting a dude while she's still being a biatch, I think). Tell her that after that, there will be no more catering to her woe-is-me 'tude. You're all there for her and want to help her be happy, but she's got to be willing to let herself be happy. The lower you wallow, the thicker the mud and the harder it is to stop.

HTH

kaynix21

Wow...I only saw the first page, not the other two and I wanted to add this:

When she is talking about how "the wedding she'll never have" is going to be so much better, you can always tell her that you're sure it will be, because she won't have some crazy bitch being rude and miserable and upsetting everyone else.....

emillee21

In Response to Re: I'm really trying not to upset my single bridesmaid:

"Oh barf. Come back in a couple months when you've driven everyone around you insane after insisting that they need to give you your "special time."


First of all sorry you feel that way but it is her time and no one should make her feel this way. And she just wants some advice on how to handle it and there is nothing wrong with that.

Pretty Parula

Deeply religious, you say? I had a feeling. Tell her God says to forgive. That includes forgiving herself for what she apparently perceives as a terrible choice in partners. Her heart can't possibly be open to someone else if she's beating the crap out of herself and anyone else who's in a relationship. And remind her that God will give her tough times and and bad examples of relationships to get her ready for the right one. I think someone already said that. 

I'd try not to engage her in a back-and-forth when she starts with the snide comments. You won't convince her and you won't win because she's more pissed off than you are right now, so she'll always find another comeback so she can justify staying pissed off. Just cut her off when she starts and she should get the idea soon enough. I like the "Our wedding will be perfect for us and that's how we want it. <Insert subject change here.>" suggestion best.

Anyway, GL.

SassyBrass

Wow, if she's only 22 and freaking out like this, I'd definitely suggest some counseling. Maybe even if you don't do it, her mom can suggest it if she's gonna bug her about not having a BF.
But bottom line, I think your friend needs to grow up and move on. So her boyfriend cheated on her when they were teenagers... I'm sure plenty of us has been there. And even if she's having trouble finding someone, there's no reason she shouldn't be happy for her friends. It's not selfish to hope she's not mopey on the wedding day. Honestly, I think you're the type who'd care and and console her, and you really need to be having a good time with your new husband.
I do agree with the nixing the bouquet toss. Instead, give it to the couple who's been married the longest, or divide it for your moms... just don't make her stand out there if it's something she's this sensitive over.
At 22, she should be enjoying herself, single or taken, not worrying that all her friends are getting married and she's not.
Sorry you have to dance around this... but honestly it's really her issue to deal with. Good luck!

karialex

ah... yeah, I've been there. And by been there, I mean the single bridesmaid. Multiple times.
I was really upset when my best friend of 13 years was getting married to a man she had been dating for 3 months (and getting married around their 4 month anniversary) right after I had broken up with my boyfriend of 2.5 years. As it got closer to her wedding date, I realized I was completely raining on her parade and all that she wanted to do was include me in her happiness because she cared about me. She talked to me one day after she had had enough of my sour attitude and said that she loved me and wanted me to be a part of her wedding and a part of her life. She said that she wouldn't want to get married with out me there and was completely disappointed with my negative reaction when we should be celebrating. I felt guilty, but she was right and after that talk I tried my best to put a smile on my face and I ended up having a really great time at her wedding... and now she's my Matron of Honor.

Just have a talk with her. Tell her how important she is to you and how much it means to you to have her be a part of your wedding. It may also be who of you to tell her that her negative attitude is making it difficult for you to include her in wedding plans.

Good Luck!!

Pretty Parula

Um... she's judging her life by a cable series/movie? Really? I find that more disconcerting than any of the rest of this girl's shenanigans. And also really pitiful - I feel sorry for her. It's sad that anybody would be that out of touch with reality that they'd think their life had to be like a movie character's to be worthwhile. Please, someone, knock this girl upside the head and make her look around at all that is worthy in her life as it is. Right now. No movie cameras needed. 

And send her to some freakin' counseling - just not with a dude so she doesn't think she has to marry the counselor like her brother did. Joking aside, she really, really needs help. She probably won't want to hear it right now so you can't force it on her, but it's going to be critical to her growth and healing. She's damaged herself too much already to keep on trying to do it alone.

247bridesmaid

It's not your fault you're engaged, it's not her fault she's single. I've been in 4 weddings (including my two best friends) and am about to be in a 5th one all while being single. And, yes, sometimes it's awful. To be honest, most single people don't really care about weddings. It's not a part of their world. My best advice is to try and downplay the talk when you're around her and save the wedding talk for your other BMs. If she's acting like she doesn't care about your wedding, it's because she feels sorry for herself. Tons of people feel this way. Don't let it ruin your day.