Isn't it all about me? =/

kkeire

My 6 bridesmaids...
- didn't put together my shower... I did
- didn't pay for my shower.... I did
- have been arguing via email about plans for my bach party
- don't want to pay for anything for my bach party
- have shared with me their money woes and inability to plan
- don't have everything planned and the bach party is in two days

Me (the Bride)...
- live out of state and have paid for flights back and forth for the shower and bach party
- selected a cost-efficient BM dress on purpose, even though I'm not in love with it
- have had ZERO help with all of the details because no one lives near me
- are receiving wristlets and pashminas as gifts

I'm sorry...but WTF????  I feel like someone needs to talk me off the ledge because I have turned crazy in the wake of all of this.

help.

kkeire

I forget what I was writing when I wrote "-had a con".  Please disregard.

LD1970

First, the part where I side with you:

I'm sorry your bridesmaids are bringing you into their bickering and emails and disagreements about your pre-wedding parties.  On that note, they suck and shouldn't be subjecting you to all of that.

Now, the parts where you're wrong:

While it sucks if you don't have a shower or bachelorette party, and it's ok to be disappointed, it was very poor form for you to throw your own shower.  And you shouldn't be throwing your own bachelorette party either.  Those parties are gifts from others, and if no one plans them for you, you just don't get them.  Yeah, that's harsh, but it's the honest truth.  You throwing your own shower was a serious breach of etiquette.

Now, if your bach party looks like it's not happening and you already have the flight planned and will be home, just have a girls' night out with your friends, assuming they can stop bickering with each other long enough to hang out with you pleasantly.  A bach party doesn't have to be elaborate.  Go barhopping and make sure the person at the door knows you're getting married so you don't have to pay a cover charge.  That's a good way to go out and have NO ONE have to pay for you, at least at the door.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:efc57db9-dfa2-44c7-92bb-ffff28568f53">Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]My 6 bridesmaids... - didn't put together my shower... I did - didn't pay for my shower.... I did - have been arguing via email about plans for my bach party - don't want to pay for anything for my bach party - had a con - have shared with me their money woes and inability to plan - don't have everything planned and the bach party is in two days Me (the Bride)... - live out of state and have paid for flights back and forth for the shower and bach party - selected a cost-efficient BM dress on purpose, even though I'm not in love with it - have had ZERO help with all of the details because no one lives near me - are receiving Coach wristlets and pashminas as gifts I'm sorry...but WTF????  I feel like someone needs to talk me off the ledge because I have turned crazy in the wake of all of this. help.
Posted by kkeire[/QUOTE]
*sigh*  The shower and bachelorette parties are gifts.  They are parties thrown for you.  The bride's say in these parties begins and ends at the date and the guest list, if even that much.  If no one throws one for you, sorry, you don't get them.  I didn't, and yeah, it was a bummer, but I'm still just as married.  Paying for your own shower was horribly presumptuous and rude.

You shouldn't be patting yourself on the back for choosing an affordable dress; your duty as the bride is to pick something everyone can comfortably afford.  So, you've extended the bare minimum of courtesy to these girls.  Yay?

The only person obligated to help you with all the details is your FI.  Your bridesmaids are not your free wedding planners.  It would be nice if they were interested in the details, but a lot of people aren't.  Because, to 98% of the population, weddings are boring.  Hell, if you look at Stage's poll, you'll see just how many of the girls here didn't care all that much about their OWN weddings, so you can imagine just how interested they'd be in the details of someone else's.

I'm not sure why any of this would have you "on the ledge."  It's just a party.  You'd probably be less stressed if you weren't concerning yourself with planning pre-parties which are not your place to plan.

emilyinchile

Is this MUD based on the "calling all meanies" post? Trying to see who exactly will swoop in and crush everything OP has ever believed?

Because OP, all I can say is this: you're doing it wrong.

Read pretty much any other post on this board, and you'll learn exciting nuggets of information like you don't plan your own pre-wedding parties, those parties are gifts people may or may not choose to give you, and no one except your FI has to help you with any kind of wedding planning.

twilight.rose

Oh, honey, are you being serious? Let's break this down.

My 6 bridesmaids...
- didn't put together my shower... I did
- didn't pay for my shower.... I did
This was a horrible breech of etiquette on your part. You never host your own shower. If nobody offers to throw one in your honor, you don't have one. That's just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

- have been arguing via email about plans for my bach party
- don't want to pay for anything for my bach party
Please don't host/plan your own b-party. If your girls/other friend or family member don't offer to host one, then, again, you don't get one. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

- have shared with me their money woes and inability to plan
This probably means you should listen to them. I would say they're trying, subtly, to let you know that the reason they can't host these parties for you is that they simply can't afford to.

- don't have everything planned and the bach party is in two days
My honest advice is to call off the b-party and avoid another major etiquette faux pas. You seem miserable about the b-party situation anyway.

Me (the Bride)...
- live out of state and have paid for flights back and forth for the shower and bach party
Nobody forced you to fly back and forth for parties you were throwing for yourself. You made that decision. You aren't the first bride to plan a long distance affair. I lived 600-1,200 miles away from everyone in my WP. It was fine. My MOH threw my shower on a weekend I was in town, and everything was lovely.

- selected a cost-efficient BM dress on purpose, even though I'm not in love with it
I don't even know what to say about this one. If you are going to whine about it, your other option is to buy all the girls' dresses.

- have had ZERO help with all of the details because no one lives near me
Again, you are not the first bride to live far away from your loved ones. H and I planned things on our own, for the most part. My girls were amazing, and when they offered to help from afar, I graciously accepted. However, I didn't expect them to lift a finger (other than showing up at my wedding), and had intended to do all the planning on my own. H and I chose to get married, and it wasn't anyone else's responsibility to plan our wedding. We actually had a lot of fun doing the planning with just the two of us!

- are receiving Coach wristlets and pashminas as gifts
They didn't ask for these gifts. You opted to give them. Don't hold this against your BMs. You chose what to give them.

AmandalovesAl

Seriously, what does 'having a con' mean????

And they are your friends, not your slaves...they do what they can and thats it...some people don't have food or a place to live...you can survive without a shower and a Bach party

lilianne22

I think responding to your thread title will be sufficient....no.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:efc57db9-dfa2-44c7-92bb-ffff28568f53">Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]

<strong>My 6 bridesmaids... - didn't put together my shower... I did -

</strong>That is your problem then.  You are not supposed to throw yourself your own shower.  It is rude and makes you appear gift grabby.  Bridesmaids aren't required to throw you a shower.  It could have been a mom, sister, cousin, friend, grandmother, ANYONE. but you.  You chose to go against the rules and throw yourself a shower so you should have NOTHING to complain about.. you chose to throw the shower, so you can't complain after the fact now. 


<strong>didn't pay for my shower.... I did -</strong>

Same as above.. you were to have not involvement with your shower.  A shower is a gift to the bride and a bride does not always get one.  Some one can choose to throw a shower for her, but it is not guaranteed or required.  A bride is not supposed to throw her own party/shower.

<strong>have been arguing via email about plans for my bach party - don't want to pay for anything for my bach party -</strong> 

You are not required to have a bachelorette party.  It is another party that can be thrown for the bride optionally if they choose to.  You also do not throw yourself your own bach party. 

You also should not be arguing about plans for the bach party because you should have no involvement whatsoever with the bach party plans if they choose to throw you one. 

The bridesmaids can make up their own ideas of what they can afford and whats reasonable and in their budget to them, and you can like it.  They can throw a backyard tent campout party with smores and that is what you will get.  Etc. 

I've always heard of movie slumber party bach parties and that is acceptable too.  The bridesmaids can plan whatever they want with no involvement from you at all.  They are supposed to throw the party.. if they choose to.. because it is another form of a gift to the bride.  Not required, but optional to throw one if they choose. 

<strong>- have</strong> <strong>shared with me their money woes and inability to plan

</strong>So.  There's nothing wrong with that.  Friends should be able to vent to you and tell you their frustrations/woes that they may be having.  If you are a good friend, you will listen to them and hear them out.  T

he bride is not the only one who gets to b*itch and complain about the woes of wedding planning, and the woes of making up favors etc.  Bridesmaids are entitled to vent too not as bridesmaids but because they are your FRIENDS.  Listen to their problems and their own life events and don't make it seem all about you. 

They have lives too that exist outside of your wedding and their lives do not go on hold just because your getting married.  Have some respect for your friends and their work schedules, money problems, child care issues, school or homework or whatever else is going on in their life.

Also they are not supposed to have ANY involvement with the wedding planning unless they choose to volunteer.  They are not wedding planners.  The bride and the groom are the sole planners of the wedding unless their mother or friends bridesmaids WANT to help out or volunteer.. if not bride and groom plan the wedding THEMSELVES or they can go and hire a wedding planner. 

<strong>live out of state and have paid for flights back and forth for the shower and bach party -</strong>

You don't need to justify yourself here.  What you are doing is wrong, so I am not going to feel bad just because you have to pay for flights back and forth for the shower.. the shower that YOU planned, so you obviously chose the location right? Therefore knew about plane tickets.. ok


<strong>selected a cost-efficient BM dress on purpose, even though I'm not in love with it -

</strong>well that was very reasonable and nice of you.  That is one good thing you did.
 
<strong>have had ZERO help with all of the details because no one lives near me</strong>

That sounds right.  If you have no help, you  can ask your FI.  People who live out of state are not going to bend over backwards traveling to help you plan your own wedding that you are supposed to plan yourself.  Like I said, any involvement from the wedding party is strictly optional and absolutly NOT required.

-<strong> are receiving Coach wristlets and pashminas as gifts I'm sorry...but WTF????</strong> 

You need to appreciate and respect any gift you receive and not act so snobbish like that.  You are expecting big wads of cash from your bridal party?  Please.  Listen to yourself and lower your expectations. 


Yes you do need help.  Talk to FI etc

mbcdefg

All of this stress could've been easily avoided if you hadn't felt like you were entitled to these things, and if you hadn't taken it upon yourself to throw parties for yourself.

marissa_claire

Yeah, lady, if they don't want to plan these parties then it's not your job (or right) to do so.  If no one offers the honor of throwing you a shower, then one will not be thrown in your honor.  

No one said you have to fly all over for these things.  Although you were wise to their budget, no one said you had to choose BM dresses that you hate.  

And in case you haven't read any of the other boards around here, all they have to do is purchase a dress and show up.  If you wanted friends to go over the top then perhaps you should have chosen more wisely and perhaps you can remember this when it's their turn to get married.

megk8oz

DH's male cousin (Who wasn't even in my WP) threw my shower. If he hadn't, I may not have had one at all. Yes, it would have been sad, but nobody "owed" me one.

I did not have a bach party. Nobody planned one, and it was would have been rude as hell to plan my own.

My girls could have worn sundresses from Target if that's all they could afford and I would have been happy. I value my relationships with them more than I do an article of clothing that very well might only be worn once.

It sucks that they're involving you in their drama ... but at the same time, it sounds like all of said drama is relating back to money and the bach party, so maybe you should be aware that they don't have the money or means to plan the party you've probably been heavily hinting to them that you want.

They shouldn't be spending money they don't have just because they're getting a Coach wristlet as a Thank You. That's great you can afford to give expensive presents. But what they're "getting" out of being in your wedding shouldn't be a "motivator" for them to help you plan. If they don't have the time or money to contribute the way you feel they should, they just don't. You need to lower your expectations and chill out.

Finally, nobody is actually responsible for helping you plan your wedding except for your FI ... and possibly a wedding planner if you've hired one. They aren't obligated to do anything more than get the dress and show up the day of the wedding wearing it. If they have the means and volunteer to do more with/for you, then you smile and be grateful, but by no means should you feel that you "deserve" it or that these girls "owe" you.  If planning seriously has you this stressed out, then you put too much on your plate and should seriously consider scaling back on the wedding so it's something that's more manageable for you and your FI to plan.

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:efc57db9-dfa2-44c7-92bb-ffff28568f53">Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]My 6 bridesmaids... - didn't put together my shower... I did - didn't pay for my shower.... I did - have been arguing via email about plans for my bach party - don't want to pay for anything for my bach party - had a con - have shared with me their money woes and inability to plan - don't have everything planned and the bach party is in two days Me (the Bride)... - live out of state and have paid for flights back and forth for the shower and bach party - selected a cost-efficient BM dress on purpose, even though I'm not in love with it - have had ZERO help with all of the details because no one lives near me - are receiving Coach wristlets and pashminas as gifts I'm sorry...but WTF????  I feel like someone needs to talk me off the ledge because I have turned crazy in the wake of all of this. help.
Posted by kkeire[/QUOTE]

Girl you hit crazy long ago...I'm glad i'm not a BM...I probably would've pushed you off that ledge you are on.

The shower and bach parties are gifts for you...congratulations, you are so selfish and attention whore-ish that you gave yourself those gifts. It is nice that you went with their budget for the dress. Bravo for following etiquette somewhere! A lot of people deal with OOT BMs; you aren't alone. You were nice enough to buy them tickets home so good job there; however BMs aren't free labor. They are friends and should be treated as such. If you need help ask FI or hire someone. Period. Who cares what they are receiving as gifts. They are BM and tradition says they get a gift. What did you want to prove with the whole "they are getting ___" comment?

bablingbrooke

Your "it's all about me" attitude doomed you, dear.  No one thinks it's cute or appropriate for a bride to go around thinking that.  They may smile and agree to your face, but behind your back they think, "When will this be over?"  

MyNameIsNot

Woah, you threw your own shower?  Wow.  That's just.. wow.  Tacky isn't the word.

Your issue is your entitlement.  As soon as you get that in check, you'll have a much better go of it.

Manwaithiel

Troll/MUD/whatever

kathrynhabibti

[QUOTE]Troll/MUD/whatever
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
I think you're right.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:ac91bc26-8218-442b-883d-3b926ef7736f">Re: Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're right.
Posted by kathrynhabibti[/QUOTE]

Kathryn! Hello! How are you? How bout you and I jack this thread and talk about how the weddings are all about us, kay?

kathrynhabibti

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:d6ea9cb1-c566-4829-8c29-11e6f8366708">Re: Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Isn't it all about me? =/ : Kathryn! Hello! How are you? How bout you and I jack this thread and talk about how the weddings are all about us, kay?
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
Hai Kate! Hope you're well. I am - I'm thinking about things I can make my friends and family do for me, you?

kkeire

Thank you for the words of wisdom and 'constructive' criticism, everyone.  There's definitely more to this story, but you've given me plenty to think about. 

Perhaps I'll tuck and roll as I dismount the crazy train. 

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:d4ff116d-91fa-4ccc-9ed7-b8babe6e3207">Re: Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the words of wisdom and 'constructive' criticism, everyone.  There's definitely more to this story, but you've given me plenty to think about.  Perhaps I'll tuck and roll as I dismount the crazy train. 
Posted by kkeire[/QUOTE]


Your welcome.  Glad you read and heard what we as outsiders have to say.  We can only give advice based on what you tell us.  We don't know any backstory, so sometimes it's helpful to hear a little more of the story to get a better understanding of the situation because like I said the people on these boards can only give advice and answers based on what the OP tells us.

Again, congrats for listening and taking the words of wisdom here.  Many times brides just last out and get angry because we do not agree with them.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:d4ff116d-91fa-4ccc-9ed7-b8babe6e3207">Re: Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the words of wisdom and 'constructive' criticism, everyone.  There's definitely more to this story, but you've given me plenty to think about.  Perhaps I'll tuck and roll as I dismount the crazy train. 
Posted by kkeire[/QUOTE]
Definitely tuck and roll, much safer that way.  Better that you got all this off your chest here before you vented all of this to them!

pizzanfries4me

I'm sure not all would agree with this.... but what I would personally do at this point is not have a wedding. Go to Vegas, a resort, ect. F them all.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:ef254967-5a00-47aa-8dd4-8c158cfb9710">Re: Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure not all would agree with this.... but what I would personally do at this point is not have a wedding. Go to Vegas, a resort, ect. F them all.
Posted by pizzanfries4me[/QUOTE]
Mature, well-thought out message with total regard for the consequences.  I don't know why you don't give advice more often. /sarcasm

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_isnt?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:49b9c6ed-eba6-41f3-b018-cd4a9adc68ecPost:ef254967-5a00-47aa-8dd4-8c158cfb9710">Re: Isn't it all about me? =/</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure not all would agree with this.... but what I would personally do at this point is not have a wedding. Go to Vegas, a resort, ect. F them all.
Posted by pizzanfries4me[/QUOTE]

Way to have a complete disregard for the families.