Should I let her back in??

holovach1

This is my second wedding. My ex SIL was suppossed to be a BM. I still consider her my sister and we were pretty close until a few weeks ago. Her on again off again BF of 6 years and the father of her baby has now told her that she is no longer alowed to talk to anyone who dislikes him. Well my FI really does not like him for reasons best not gone into here, but he has been civil to him at every family function. Some latest drama involving cops occurred and my FI says that he is no longer allowed on our  property. My ex SIL told me that my FI must make a decission as one wether or not we like her BF. My FI and I are 2 different people and don't always like the same people. And honestly I have to say I don't like him either. But no matter my feelings towards him I love my SIL and my nephew. So when he told her she had to choose between him and her friends she chose him. She told me that she not only couldn't be in my wedding but could no longer be my friend since my FI hates her BF. 
 I was very hurt by this but told her I'll still be here for her. My wedding isn't until June but my BM were buying there dresses the week all this happened. I had no choice but to replace her. My ex MIL came to me a few days ago and asked that I allow her back in the wedding if her and her BF break up again before the wedding (which we all figure will happen a few times) She has offered to buy her dress now and wait to see what happens. I love my SIL but feel that after this our relationship will never be the same. She chose a guy, (one who has ALWAYS treated her badly) even though he is her baby's daddy, over her friends and family.
 It won't be a hardship to add her back in but should I? She hasn't come around and hasn't talked to me since this but my MIL really wants me to. She will always be my son's Aunt and my Nephews mom but can she be a close friend again? Expecially since I know that her BF will always be a part of her life?

jaimed99

Whether or not you choose to let her back in, why would you replace her in the first place? Sides don't need to be even...and if you do let her in, would that mean you have to boot someone else, or find another warm body to fill a space?

I would, if the situation improves, let her back in. You say that you care about her, and without the baby-daddy drama, you two would be really close...so go on that

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-let-her-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49e5477f-def1-4c44-a5c4-6541f6db8d0fPost:d2dcd313-95f6-4d3e-8fa7-486744d9d5fd">Should I let her back in??</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my second wedding. My ex SIL was suppossed to be a BM. I still consider her my sister and we were pretty close until a few weeks ago. Her on again off again BF of 6 years and the father of her baby has now told her that she is no longer alowed to talk to anyone who dislikes him. Well my FI really does not like him for reasons best not gone into here, but he has been civil to him at every family function. Some latest drama involving cops occurred and my FI says that he is no longer allowed on our  property. My ex SIL told me that my FI must make a decission as one wether or not we like her BF. My FI and I are 2 different people and don't always like the same people. And honestly I have to say I don't like him either. But no matter my feelings towards him I love my SIL and my nephew. So when he told her she had to choose between him and her friends she chose him. She told me that she not only couldn't be in my wedding but could no longer be my friend since my FI hates her BF.   I was very hurt by this but told her I'll still be here for her. My wedding isn't until June but my BM were buying there dresses the week all this happened. I had no choice but to replace her. My ex MIL came to me a few days ago and asked that I allow her back in the wedding if her and her BF break up again before the wedding (which we all figure will happen a few times) She has offered to buy her dress now and wait to see what happens. I love my SIL but feel that after this our relationship will never be the same. She chose a guy, (one who has ALWAYS treated her badly) even though he is her baby's daddy, over her friends and family.  It won't be a hardship to add her back in but should I? She hasn't come around and hasn't talked to me since this but my MIL really wants me to. She will always be my son's Aunt and my Nephews mom but can she be a close friend again? Expecially since I know that her BF will always be a part of her life?
Posted by holovach1[/QUOTE]

You shouldn't have replaced her.  Uneven numbers are perfectly okay and replacing bms is rude.  What kind of message does that send to your SIL?  To the replacement bm?

However, that's already done, so I'd advise a wait and see approach.  If your SIL comes back and says that she wants to be in your WP after all, evaluate then.  If there's time for her to get a dress and you decide that you do want to continue to have a friendship with her, then I would let her be a bm again.  But I don't see any point in stressing about this when she's stepped down and hasn't brought it up.

suz62984

Would ex-SIL even want back in? It sounds like it would make your ex-MIL happy (which in itself is strange) but that ex-SIL doesn't care at all. So she choose the guy, and probably abusive guy, over her family. Well that is the way it goes sometimes. There really isn't anything you can do but watch her fall and be there to pick her up one day when she needs you. As of now you aren't really even speaking so this isn't really a problem. She may not even want to be in the wedding later on. I would leave it as is and have ex-MIL just deal with it.

Also, you replaced her?!?!  ::sigh::

bablingbrooke

Don't replace people.  That's very juvenile.  Especially for a second wedding--you should be above that by now.  

lilianne22

I agree with PP, you never should have replaced her.  That was rude to the person who replaced her and your ex-SIL.  However, what's done is done.

I don't think you should "let her back in" because your ex-MIL asked you about it.  It's none of her business.  Also only having her in the WP if she breaks up with her bf is ridiculous.  Honestly, the ex SIL sounds like a lot of drama you don't need to deal with.  Invite her to your wedding as a guest and leave it at that.

frogurt814

Just to be clear, the person you are talking about is your ex SIL?  I was confused because sometimes you refer to her as SIL and sometimes as ex SIL.

Anyway, I would say just leave it as it is now.  You shouldn't have replaced her in the first place, but you did so now just stick with what you have.  I feel like any further reshuffling of BP members would just add more mess/drama.

holovach1

She was replaced because my FI and I decided we wanted an even wedding party. We both have alternates since some of our BM and GM are out of state and in the military and you never know what could happen. We discussed this with our friends and chose to have a small party or 3 each. So when my SIL stepped down another friend stepped up.
 I want to save my realtionship with her, expecially since she still lives with my MIL where my son spends alot of time. But I feel like our friendship has forever been changed. But TY for the advice I will give her some time. And as long as she can find the same dress then I'll put her back in and one of my FI friends will step up.

bablingbrooke

An even WP isn't that important, so stop replacing people.  Playing musical chairs with the WP is, again, really juvenile.  

lilianne22

Back up WP members to keep sides even?  Lame.

holovach1

And yes she is my Ex SIL. I still call her my SIL even though my ex and I have been split for 5 years. She is my family and I love her as a sister. I'm not neccassarilly saying she would only be added back in if she breaks up with her BF but we feel that she will only be ALLOWED to be my friend if the break up. But I still have time so I guess I will just have to wait and see.

trix1223

Your ex-SIL is mired in a relationship with an abuser and your over-riding concern is how this impacts your WP?  Really?

bablingbrooke

I'm sorry, she's only allowed to be your friend if she breaks up with her BF?  How old are you?  Because this is the sort of ultimatum "friends" give each other in junior high...maybe the early years of high school.

AdeleDazeem

I was initially a little annoyed to see that everyone jumped on the "making sides even" part of the story, which had little to do with the actual problem.  However, the follow ups have been amusing.  I appreciate it

OP - if you love her and she is family, I'm having a hard time understanding why you wouldn't put her back in the wedding.  She's making bad choices right now - just support her.

As for your "waiiting in the wings" bridesmaids, I have to seriously just laugh.  Weddings aren't plays with understudies.  I swear.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-let-her-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49e5477f-def1-4c44-a5c4-6541f6db8d0fPost:2052751e-5baa-4961-8cfc-b92d0cf7809c">Re: Should I let her back in??</a>:
[QUOTE]She was replaced because my FI and I decided we wanted an even wedding party. We both have alternates since some of our BM and GM are out of state and in the military and you never know what could happen. We discussed this with our friends and chose to have a small party or 3 each. So when my SIL stepped down another friend stepped up.  I want to save my realtionship with her, expecially since she still lives with my MIL where my son spends alot of time. But I feel like our friendship has forever been changed. But TY for the advice I will give her some time. And as long as she can find the same dress then I'll put her back in and one of my FI friends will step up.
Posted by holovach1[/QUOTE]

<div>This is disgusting and makes me want to throw up.</div><div>
</div><div>You should be ashamed of yourself.  I wouldn't be surprised if your "friends" are plotting to all drop out 2 days before.  Who treats people this way?</div>

suz62984

I also wonder if ex-SIL came back would she be an alternate behind the other alternates because she gave up/lost her spot or would she cut in front of the other alternates waiting because she was more "important" than them?

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_should-let-her-back?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:49e5477f-def1-4c44-a5c4-6541f6db8d0fPost:2052751e-5baa-4961-8cfc-b92d0cf7809c">Re: Should I let her back in??</a>:
[QUOTE]She was replaced because my FI and I decided we wanted an even wedding party. We both have alternates since some of our BM and GM are out of state and in the military and you never know what could happen. We discussed this with our friends and chose to have a small party or 3 each. So when my SIL stepped down another friend stepped up.
Posted by holovach1[/QUOTE]

For the record, I judge the crap out of this. Newsflash: even sides are not important. Asking a replacement is one thing (which is already bad enough), but actually having set alternate is just a whole new level of wow.

Brooke, in OP's defense though, I think her comment about this girl being allowed to be her friend is that the BF won't allow the friendship since OP is associated with her FI who he doesn't like, not that OP is saying that.

holovach1

I never gave her that altimatum. Her BF did. He told her that she couldn't be friends with anyone who didn't like him. I have alwyas been here to support her. Her BF is a controlling a$$ but if she feels that being with him is best for her and her son then that is her choice. All I can do is tell her I'm still here for her. But the even WP was our dession, even if it isn't a big deal to anyone else. Our friends understood that we wanted a small WP and told us if we needed someone else to step up or help out they were there for us.

bablingbrooke

I clearly misread that.  I apologize.

deepcovejackie

I feel sorry for your nephew.

Ditto what Trix said.  Times a kajillion.

janedoe1113a

Quit worrying about even wedding parties and stupid wedding crap.  Your SIL is in an abusive relationship and you don't seem to care!

Belle2Be

OP, if your SIL wants to be back in (and is "allowed" to be back in), let her in. I'm getting the picture (and I apologize if I"m wrong) that you've never been in an abusive relationship, let alone one with kids involved, it's not as easy as "just leaving". It sure seems that way on the outside, but to someone in one, its like a very dark room with no doors. Supporting her is good, she sounds like she needs an intervention but really noone can stop that train except her. Abusive relationships are often very complicated, and even more so when there are children involved because stuff like emotional and verbal abuse is very hard to document and without documentation, there is nothing to keep the abuser from the kids, does that make sense? Anyway, good luck with your wedding and I hope your SIL can get some help

SSaltzman87

Ditto what pretty much everyone else has said.

Weddings don't have understudies, plays do. Also, who really gives a shiz about even sides!? It's not relevant to how well a wedding goes.

This whole situation sounds incredibly childish and should be on Bridezillas. I also feel bad for OP's ex-SIL, hopefully she finds a way out of her abusive relationship before it's too late.