Bridesmaid Dropped Out Update

jemali_2003

So I posted last week that my cousin told me she could not be in my wedding because she lost her job and didn't have the fund to buy a dress and fly from New Hampshire to California for my wedding.  I told her that I understood and we just left it at that. 

Well, yesterday I was talking to her father (he lives here with all of her other family) about how she told me should couldn't be in the wedding.  I even told her that I was willing to pay for her dress if she couldn't afford it.  He told me that he had heard, but he knows that she is really saving up to come to California the month after I get married and then go to Vegas for her 21st birthday.  Is it wrong of me to feel hurt and a little pissed?  Whenever she comes to California I always take her to the beach, San Francisco, the mall, etc. to keep her entertained while her dad is at work.  I flew to New Hampshire when she graduated from high school since none of our other family members were willing to.  We have been through a lot together and I t I think I am just really hurt because I have always been there for her and when I want her to be here for me she isn't.  Do I tell her that I am hurt and think that it sucks she is choosing to go to Vegas rather than come to my wedding or is that a bridezilla move?   Should I listen to my fiance who said just forget her?

bablingbrooke

Honestly, it's her money and she's spending it the way she wants to.  Her money isn't earmarked for your wedding.  It would be toeing the bridezilla line to call her up and say that you're mad she's going to Vegas instead of your wedding.  It would not be out of line to tell her that you'll miss her at the wedding, and that you're disappointed and upset that she lied to you.  But frankly it's her money and her life and she can do what she wants.  She shouldn't do it, and I think it's shiitty, but it's her right to be a shiitty person.

She's 20.  20 year olds are immature and selfish.  I frankly would be mad for a few days and then get over it.  Sounds like you're better off without someone that selfish in your life, and I'd listen to your FI.

heyimbren

I think it's kind of lame of her to miss out on your wedding for that, but in the end I think it's really her loss. Something like that she'll probably regret when she's older.

But it really is her money to do with as she pleases.

I don't know if I'd bring it up or not. I might be tempted to say something about it, but I'm not sure what it would accomplish. So it may not be worth it. I think a lot of it would depend on HOW you say something, if you choose to do so.

[QUOTE]She's 20.  20 year olds are immature and selfish.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I strongly dislike generalizations like this.

banana468

I'm not a fan of of saying "20 year olds are immature and selfish," however I do think "Young adults can be more immature and selfish" may be leaning a bit better.  :-)

I know at 20, I would have chosen a wedding over Vegas but that doesn't mean that your cousin feels the same way.

It's fine to be bummed and it's even fine to flaunt a few wedding photos in front of her, but I wouldn't tell her that you think it's selfish at all.

gottahavashorti

Ditto this:
[QUOTE]Yeah, in that case I'd be a little peeved, but try to be gracious. Folks will figure it out when they see what she does....Sorry this happened to you.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
Plus this:
[QUOTE]I think it's kind of lame of her to miss out on your wedding for that, but in the end I think it's really her loss. Something like that she'll probably regret when she's older. But it really is her money to do with as she pleases. I don't know if I'd bring it up or not.
Posted by heyimbren[/QUOTE]
It's absolutely understandable that you're hurt, particularly since she wasn't honest with you.  I'd tell her that she'll be greatly missed, then listen to your FI and try not to dwell on it too much.  I wouldn't blame you if your trust in her was broken a bit for telling different reasons to you and her dad.

At 20, when she and her friends may still be a ways away from thinking about marriage, it's possible that weddings might not be of great importance to her.  She may just not feel as close to you as she used to.  Without getting into her brain, that's difficult to say.

Or she could be thinking that she'd get to spend more time with you the month after your wedding than during a trip to California for your wedding (I don't think Vegas for her 21st is something to get upset about though, 21st birthdays, like weddings, are a big deal/rite of passage to many people).  I know I was glad to visit SSIL and her family a couple months before our wedding because we weren't sure if they'd make it and even if they did, we'd get to spend more time with them then than at the wedding. 

mbcdefg

Yes, it's natural and normal to feel upset over this.

No, it wouldn't be right or wise to call her out on this. Like it or not, it's her money and she can do as she pleases with it. Feel as pissed as you want about it, vent to your FI if you wish, but I wouldn't take it any further than that.

Plus, don't forget that you're getting this information secondhand. I'm not calling her dad a liar, but the information he's giving you might not be 100% accurate. He doesn't know every single thing she's planning or exactly what she's doing with her money.

linguo42

It's definitely immature on her part to have dropped out if she originally said yes to being a BM, but there's no way to bring it up with her that won't sound petty. You've already told her you understand she can't do it, so leave it at that. Even though the real reason is not the same one she gave you, I think you'll just have to be the bigger person and let this one go.

Mind you, I'm passive-aggressive. In my little vindictive head, I can't help but enjoy the fact that a month after your big day, you'll have gorgeous pictures of you, your FI, and your family and friends at your beautiful wedding, and she'll have pictures of herself and her friends acting like drunken idiots in Vegas that she'll have to de-tag on Facebook.