reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

Well... hey there, Aerin. Veeery long time, no see. How are you?

Did you bring anyone else with you?

GoodLuckBear14 · May 2012

I'm here in disguise.

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:144c2247-1f21-4080-b6ef-4d14b7b0829e">Re:reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]ahem me. Well, technically I brought her. :
Posted by StageManager14[/QUOTE]

Ha. Fair enough.

What about Meg, Brooke, Stina? I hope they're doing well.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

The beebees call to me across the years...

Yes, blame Stage. I still lurk very occasionally (usually when someone points out a particular thread), but I thought my particular experience here might be helpful. Sadly, I just don't have the energy for the standard answers anymore.

I've been pretty good, how are things with you?

AdeleDazeem · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:14706343-d628-489e-a7f5-aca7081225e6">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]The beebees call to me across the years... Yes, blame Stage. I still lurk very occasionally (usually when someone points out a particular thread), but I thought my particular experience here might be helpful. Sadly, I just don't have the energy for the standard answers anymore. I've been pretty good, how are things with you?
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Doing well - ready to move on from my current job to bigger and better things. We'll see what happens.

Good to see you!

Ali092011 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:4b8548a9-b9a2-4642-a497-d1618104260e">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]All, the ENTIRE FAMILY AND FRIENDS KNOWS WE ARE MARRIED AND HAVE SINCE 2 DAYS AFTER WE DID IT, we have not lied. Also I did ask "can you be avaliable these times" not demand it upon the inital askign of the BMS. We did the JOP because we got military orders for only one of us so the fiscally smart thing since we were already planning to get married and wanted t omove together was to get it on the books. after 2 days of being married we didnt want to hide it so we told EVERYONE we were married and even only called it a celebration and exchange of vows not a wedding for our invites. We still wanted to do a celebration and bring the famlies together since after 2.5 years they have never met so we are having this ceremony. If it wasnt a "real wedding" then explain that to my bank account and all our family that is excited that <strong>we decided to have the event instead of moving on with our lives without any indication we got married besides a name change</strong>. We NEVER lied to anyone about it and our family and friends have been very supportive. Funny the way people change their thoughts with just the mention of the word of JOP without stopping to think there may be a valid reason why a JOP was done. Have a great day I am going back to focusing on the real world job I have of serving this country proudly thanks for your time
Posted by lxchick09[/QUOTE]

"No indication" that you got married besides a name change...

Oh, and besides the fact that you... <em>got married</em>...

valleygirl99 · May 2012

As the matron of honor in this let me shed some light on it for some of you, since I'm kind of shocked at how a bunch of strangers can unite and be so judgmental to someone you've never met.

1) The bride was honest from everyone in the beginning. I'm assuming most of you know very little about the military so basically the couple felt their hand was being forced into getting a JP wedding so they could live together. The military wouldn't have allowed them to live in military-supplemental housing had they "only" been engaged. Most of us in both immediate families have some experience dealing with the military or other family in the military so everyone understood why they felt they needed to do this.

2) It is not uncommon (but doesn't always happen) that people in the military do this and have the formal "ceremony", reception, etc. later. In this case (as in many) the bride and groom are also paying for everything. This is their decision and they wanted to celebrate with the people they love most. Again, not uncommon since in the military people missing events (weddings, births, etc) happens a lot so usually grandparents, mothers, etc. appreciate this even if it's not the "real" wedding since that is one you can recreate in a manner of speaking (bit harder to do with a birth

3) The bride was up front when she asked everyone to be in the wedding that they were already married and her expectations (show up to rehearsal and show up on time for pictures before the ceremony). Any of the bridesmaids could have said no, since they were already married, she didn't think this was a big deal and didn't want to be a part of it. She didn't and initially agreed to everything. She originally asked them to change the rehearsal time because she had to "work" (she didn't) and they were going to do that for her.

4) The bridesmaid already plans on leaving the reception early so she can go back to her "event" that she already had planned for the weekend. She planned to do this after she agreed to be in the ceremony and knew the dates and times of all the events. Again, if the bridesmaid really felt this way when she knew everything up front, she could have said, yeah, you guys are already married, I'll come for part of it, but I think you're making too much out of it.

The bride hasn't lied to anyone. Everyone knows and has known exactly what was going on from the beginning. So, for future reference, if anyone's asked to be a bridesmaid in a ceremony and for whatever reason aren't comfortable with the situation, you can say no. You can also say yes, then if something happens or if you think you're being asked too much, the bridesmaid can back out and say, no, I think this is too much. The bride is offering to pay her back for the dress as well if that's the way the girl really feels. If the bride has been honest with everyone from the beginning and the girl felt that way to begin with, it's on the person being asked to be in the ceremony to say no.

ajmom2two · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:676379a4-1431-4f04-886c-6d6619322543">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]As the matron of honor in this let me shed some light on it for some of you, since I'm kind of shocked at how a bunch of strangers can unite and be so judgmental to someone you've never met. 1) The bride was honest from everyone in the beginning. I'm assuming most of you know very little about the military so basically the couple felt their hand was being forced into getting a JP wedding so they could live together. The military wouldn't have allowed them to live in military-supplemental housing had they "only" been engaged. Most of us in both immediate families have some experience dealing with the military or other family in the military so everyone understood why they felt they needed to do this. 2) It is not uncommon (but doesn't always happen) that people in the military do this and have the formal "ceremony", reception, etc. later. In this case (as in many) the bride and groom are also paying for everything. This is their decision and they wanted to celebrate with the people they love most. Again, not uncommon since in the military people missing events (weddings, births, etc) happens a lot so usually grandparents, mothers, etc. appreciate this even if it's not the "real" wedding since that is one you can recreate in a manner of speaking (bit harder to do with a birth =) 3) The bride was up front when she asked everyone to be in the wedding that they were already married and her expectations (show up to rehearsal and show up on time for pictures before the ceremony). Any of the bridesmaids could have said no, since they were already married, she didn't think this was a big deal and didn't want to be a part of it. She didn't and initially agreed to everything. She originally asked them to change the rehearsal time because she had to "work" (she didn't) and they were going to do that for her. 4) The bridesmaid already plans on leaving the reception early so she can go back to her "event" that she already had planned for the weekend. She planned to do this after she agreed to be in the ceremony and knew the dates and times of all the events. Again, if the bridesmaid really felt this way when she knew everything up front, she could have said, yeah, you guys are already married, I'll come for part of it, but I think you're making too much out of it. The bride hasn't lied to anyone. Everyone knows and has known exactly what was going on from the beginning. So, for future reference, if anyone's asked to be a bridesmaid in a ceremony and for whatever reason aren't comfortable with the situation, you can say no. You can also say yes, then if something happens or if you think you're being asked too much, the bridesmaid can back out and say, no, I think this is too much. The bride is offering to pay her back for the dress as well if that's the way the girl really feels. If the bride has been honest with everyone from the beginning and the girl felt that way to begin with, it's on the person being asked to be in the ceremony to say no.
Posted by valleygirl99[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Did you join just to post this response? I find that really funny for some reason. </div>

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:676379a4-1431-4f04-886c-6d6619322543">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]As the matron of honor in this let me shed some light on it for some of you, since I'm kind of shocked at how a bunch of strangers can unite and be so judgmental to someone you've never met. 1) The bride was honest from everyone in the beginning. I'm assuming most of you know very little about the military so basically the couple felt their hand was being forced into getting a JP wedding so they could live together. The military wouldn't have allowed them to live in military-supplemental housing had they "only" been engaged. Most of us in both immediate families have some experience dealing with the military or other family in the military so everyone understood why they felt they needed to do this. 2) It is not uncommon (but doesn't always happen) that people in the military do this and have the formal "ceremony", reception, etc. later. In this case (as in many) the bride and groom are also paying for everything. This is their decision and they wanted to celebrate with the people they love most. Again, not uncommon since in the military people missing events (weddings, births, etc) happens a lot so usually grandparents, mothers, etc. appreciate this even if it's not the "real" wedding since that is one you can recreate in a manner of speaking (bit harder to do with a birth =) 3) The bride was up front when she asked everyone to be in the wedding that they were already married and her expectations (show up to rehearsal and show up on time for pictures before the ceremony). Any of the bridesmaids could have said no, since they were already married, she didn't think this was a big deal and didn't want to be a part of it. She didn't and initially agreed to everything. She originally asked them to change the rehearsal time because she had to "work" (she didn't) and they were going to do that for her. 4) The bridesmaid already plans on leaving the reception early so she can go back to her "event" that she already had planned for the weekend. She planned to do this after she agreed to be in the ceremony and knew the dates and times of all the events. Again, if the bridesmaid really felt this way when she knew everything up front, she could have said, yeah, you guys are already married, I'll come for part of it, but I think you're making too much out of it. The bride hasn't lied to anyone. Everyone knows and has known exactly what was going on from the beginning. So, for future reference, if anyone's asked to be a bridesmaid in a ceremony and for whatever reason aren't comfortable with the situation, you can say no. You can also say yes, then if something happens or if you think you're being asked too much, the bridesmaid can back out and say, no, I think this is too much. The bride is offering to pay her back for the dress as well if that's the way the girl really feels. If the bride has been honest with everyone from the beginning and the girl felt that way to begin with, it's on the person being asked to be in the ceremony to say no.
Posted by valleygirl99[/QUOTE]
MOH. Right.

My sister was completely up front with the fact that she was already married, as well. The honesty or lack of it wasn't what factored into my decision to prioritize her convalidation lower than I would have her actual wedding. Lots of military brides also either plan weddings on short notice (I once attended a truly lovely wedding that was planned top to bottom in five weeks), or do the JOP and then call it a day. JP now and pretty princess day later isn't the only option, it's just the only option where the bride doesn't have to sacrifice anything she might want. But the tradeoff is that yes, people will judge you for it, and yes, people will take it less seriously than a wedding. Being an adult means making hard choices and dealing with the consequences.

jagore08 · May 2012

Valleygirll, I grew up in the military and have a lot of military friends and family and not one of them had their hand forced to get married by JOP due to living arrangements. Using that as an excuse is offensive, IMO. People choose what's important to them, living on base or having their dream wedding. Some people can find a balance or some just suck it up and plan a date that's acceptable for them.

Chels&Jimmy · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:3f97a068-dc5a-46c0-9739-6dac6baecb41">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up? : Did you join just to post this response? I find that really funny for some reason.
Posted by ajmom2two[/QUOTE]

I think she did. OP, way to stand up for yourself. I hate it when people can't fight their own battles.

Viczaesar · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:676379a4-1431-4f04-886c-6d6619322543">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]As the matron of honor in this let me shed some light on it for some of you, since I'm kind of shocked at how a bunch of strangers can unite and be so judgmental to someone you've never met. 1) The bride was honest from everyone in the beginning. I'm assuming most of you know very little about the military so basically the couple felt their hand was being forced into getting a JP wedding so they could live together. The military wouldn't have allowed them to live in military-supplemental housing had they "only" been engaged. Most of us in both immediate families have some experience dealing with the military or other family in the military so everyone understood why they felt they needed to do this. 2) It is not uncommon (but doesn't always happen) that people in the military do this and have the formal "ceremony", reception, etc. later. In this case (as in many) the bride and groom are also paying for everything. This is their decision and they wanted to celebrate with the people they love most. Again, not uncommon since in the military people missing events (weddings, births, etc) happens a lot so usually grandparents, mothers, etc. appreciate this even if it's not the "real" wedding since that is one you can recreate in a manner of speaking (bit harder to do with a birth =) 3) The bride was up front when she asked everyone to be in the wedding that they were already married and her expectations (show up to rehearsal and show up on time for pictures before the ceremony). Any of the bridesmaids could have said no, since they were already married, she didn't think this was a big deal and didn't want to be a part of it. She didn't and initially agreed to everything. She originally asked them to change the rehearsal time because she had to "work" (she didn't) and they were going to do that for her. 4) The bridesmaid already plans on leaving the reception early so she can go back to her "event" that she already had planned for the weekend. She planned to do this after she agreed to be in the ceremony and knew the dates and times of all the events. Again, if the bridesmaid really felt this way when she knew everything up front, she could have said, yeah, you guys are already married, I'll come for part of it, but I think you're making too much out of it. The bride hasn't lied to anyone. Everyone knows and has known exactly what was going on from the beginning. So, for future reference, if anyone's asked to be a bridesmaid in a ceremony and for whatever reason aren't comfortable with the situation, you can say no. <strong> You can also say yes, then if something happens or if you think you're being asked too much, the bridesmaid can back out and say, no, I think this is too much.</strong> The bride is offering to pay her back for the dress as well if that's the way the girl really feels. If the bride has been honest with everyone from the beginning and the girl felt that way to begin with, it's on the person being asked to be in the ceremony to say no.
Posted by valleygirl99[/QUOTE]
Or, you know, you can do as much as you're able to do, and the bride can step off if she thinks she isn't getting enough attention.

artbyallie · May 2012

My SIL got married to be able to move with her AF husband. She planned her wedding in under a month and they had an outdoor ceremony with a wedding party followed by a BBQ catered reception. No courthouse wedding. So, see, I don't really buy that any military folks are forced to JOP. The military brides board would agree, were you to post this there.

valleygirl99 · May 2012

BTW, I was military too, so please don't give me all that "I know a military bride, or was a military brat" crap like I don't know what happens or what's expected. This couple literallly got married a week before they moved. The point of this is so both their families can attend, they made the schedule around their families so most of them could at least have the opportunity to attend.

You all seriously still missed the point. The bridesmaid knew from the beginning what was being asked and what the bride wanted to do. The bride and groom paying for it, still their choice if they want to do the big wedding hoopla. You all are saying "you don't get to do the big wedding if you're already married", yes, they can. It's their decision, not yours, not mine, not anyone elses. They're paying for it, it's their call. If the bridesmaid felt that way from the beginning it was her responsibility to say no to being in the ceremony. I'm not saying she's wrong if she feels that way, she's perfectly entitled to her opinion, but then she should have said so instead of saying "yes" then not wanting to do what was asked from the get-go. No one is obligated to be in or even attend the ceremony if that's how they feel.

valleygirl99 · May 2012

She honestly doesn't care and hasn't been back to this. I was just in such shock that a bunch of grown women would act like a middle-school clique that I had to go and see for myself. I honestly didn't believe that so many adults still act like that, but I suppose I'm just naive that way.

If you all actually thought she was being unreasonable and wanted to "make the poor girl see reason" then putting someone down and insulting a complete stranger isn't the way to go about it. Everyone jumped on her for "lying to her family" when she didn't, but someone suggested she did and you all ran with it. Instead you all appear to be using this as a way to make yourself feel superior. Read her initial post, she was asking if people thought she was being unreasonable... if you asked someone that who would you more likely listen to? Someone who kindly points out that you might be and explains why or someone who automatically slams you for being a crazy "bridezilla"?

Bottom line, it's their ceremony. They're paying for it. They can do whatever they want. You (as a collective group) all said, you don't get to do both. Yeah, you can if you want.

The bridesmaid knew what it was for the beginning, no one is being forced to be in or attend the wedding. They were all asked, knew the situation, and reserve the right to say "no" if they felt it was ridiculous because the couple is already married. The girl should have said no to begin with if that's how she really felt.

I've been to many weddings that were "not what I would have done". That's okay. Because none of them were my wedding, it's the couple's decisions, not anyone elses.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

What you're not getting is that, yes, the bride is absolutely permitted to do to things the way she did them, but doing them in that way means that some people are going to take it less seriously. That's just a fact, and the consequence of that choice. People who will crawl to a wedding from their deathbed will skip a vow renewal unless it's convenient. If the bride wasn't okay with that, it should have been a factor in choosing how to go about the whole thing. We had a tiny destination wedding and a reception afterward. A lot of people who RSVPed yes to the AHR bailed at the last minute because stuff came up. Yes, it sucked, and it kind of hurt, but I couldn't blame them, because without witnessing the actual marriage, it was just a party, and people skip parties on flimsy excuses all the time.

Is the bridesmaid here being a great friend? Not really. Is she doing anything wrong as a bridesmaid for being willing/able to attend the ceremony and nothing else? Not remotely. Bridesmaid is a ceremonial position, which by definition means "for the ceremony." Her duties start with the processional and end with the recessional. Anything else is traditional, but optional. That includes preparties, getting together to get your nails done (something I didn't even do for my own wedding, btw, and would refuse to do for another even if I didn't have other plans), rehearsals, and bonding time. Because ultimately, there's no way you can rationally try to scold someone for not doing that stuff that doesn't boil down to "You're not paying enough attention to me, and what's important to you doesn't matter as much as what's important to me."

Eliz77 · May 2012

Wait, did I miss the part where the OP said the BM wasn't taking the ceremony seriously because the couple is already legally married?

Here's my perspective: ok, so the couple is married. If their guests are aware of this and still want to witness a ceremony and attend a reception, give gifts and stand beside the couple in a WP, that is fine. If any of the attendents think it's a farce and don't want to participate, that is their right as well. If my closest, best friend, sister, whoever decided to elope for whatever the reason may be, and then later asked me to be a BM in her do-over ceremony, I seriously would not be offended or find it stupid. I would either stand beside her and support her, or decline for whatever reason, but it would not be because I feel she's silly for having a do-over. But again, that is my opinion. I had a friend who went to a JOP, then 5 months later went to her FI's home country for a big Church ceremony and reception, then had a smaller reception back in the States shortly afterwards. Judging from the recounts I've heard and pictures I've seen, no one thought she was stupid, silly or ridiculous for doing it that way. To each their own.

In ths particular case, OP, I would leave it up to that BM. If she shows up, great! If she doesn't, oh, well. If she does come but leaves early, her loss, party it up with those still in attendance! But I would forget about firing, replacing, scolding her or whatever. Focus on you and your husband, and enjoy the day with your guests who want to share your marriage with you.

artbyallie · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:e6ce3325-d1d1-4af0-be13-294174e13cd7">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]This couple literallly got married a week before they moved.
Posted by valleygirl99[/QUOTE]

<div>So did my SIL. Seriously. Military does not equal special snowflake.</div>

Eliz77 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:9bcd3005-4ceb-488b-bab9-d5f5bd7c7df8">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]It was clear from the OP that "bride" was willing to kick a BM out of the WP for failing to live up to expectations. This involved the BM putting her own needs ahead of the "bride"'s schedule for the "wedding" festivities. OP was miffed about that. I'm saying that *perhaps* BM is not priorizing this "wedding" is because the couple is already MARRIED.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
OK. Regardless of the reason the BM is not "prioritizing" this wedding is the BM's own reasoning. Obviously when she accepted the position, she was aware the couple was technically married and she still said yes, which leads me to believe she has no issue. I bet even if this couple was not yet married, she'd still be choosing her activity over certain wedding festivites and you know what? That is her right. <div>
</div><div>We are reminded over and over and over on this board that all a BM has to do is show up at the ceremony in a dress, pose for pictures and all is well. So, IMO, in that case, if she does that, she's fullfilled her promise. If that is not good enough for the OP, that is her problem. But kicking out a BM is not a solution. Attacking the OP for having a ceremony/reception isn't the solution either, since her attendents and guests are aware of the circumstances and if they show up, they are saying it's all good by them, they d n't care about the technicalities of it all.</div><div>
</div><div>Not ideal, not how I'd do it, and if my good friend who eloped recently decided to have a "ceremony" and reception, I'd gladly attend, bring a gift, ooh and ah over her and not criticize or lambast her. But that's just me! </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

Eliz77 · May 2012

I agree-the BM made her own choice. She agreed to be a BM and to take part in the "required" festivites and then go on her merry way to whatever sport she partakes in. A little odd and maybe awkward but hardly worthy of cutting a supposedly good friend out of your life.

OP asked if she could fire her BM. She didn't ask what posters thought of the fact that she is already married and having a ceremony/reception, or if we thought maybe BM was not taking her day seriously due to that. I agree expecting a BM to do all those pre-wedding things is not needed and that OP is wrong in expecting it.

Without re-reading this thread, correct me if I am wrong, FWIR, OP never said BM would not be there for her ceremony nor did she say BM was against attending due to couple being already married. That's why it seems to me like she's being criticized for having this event.

aerinpegadrak · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:d9a588f4-a8c8-4a1a-8e58-5b92c620e67e">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree-the BM made her own choice. She agreed to be a BM and to take part in the "required" festivites and then go on her merry way to whatever sport she partakes in. A little odd and maybe awkward but hardly worthy of cutting a supposedly good friend out of your life. OP asked if she could fire her BM. She didn't ask what posters thought of the fact that she is already married and having a ceremony/reception, or if we thought maybe BM was not taking her day seriously due to that. I agree expecting a BM to do all those pre-wedding things is not needed and that OP is wrong in expecting it. Without re-reading this thread, correct me if I am wrong, FWIR, OP never said BM would not be there for her ceremony nor did she say BM was against attending due to couple being already married. That's why it seems to me like she's being criticized for having this event.
Posted by Eliz77[/QUOTE]
If she didn't want people to comment on that fact, she shouldn't have brought it up. And she should be aware of what her nearest and dearest very well may be saying and thinking about her, even if they'd never say it to her face. I can love and support someone while still disapproving of some of the decisions they make.

Even if she doesn't think that the do-over aspect is relevant, it clearly is, because it provides a very solid reason for the BM's behavior. As I said from my own experience, my decision to skip my sister's convalidation wasn't made out of malice or lack of love. If she'd been actually getting married, I would have skipped my competition to be there, whatever the other consequences. But she wasn't, so I weighed those other consequences more seriously and decided that the competition was where I needed to be.

OP needs to be prepared for people around her to make similar decisions, and she needs to be able to deal with that with grace and maturity instead of demanding their perfect and undivided attention. Because I can guarantee that no matter how much everyone loves her and understands the situation, there are going to be other guests who find other things that come up the day of the party that will take precedence, and if OP doesn't grow up and get the necessary perspective now, she's in for a meltdown when she finds that out.

Eliz77 · May 2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_reasonable-bm-expectations-should-i-unbm-or-suck-it-up?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4ab1931d-4f92-471c-9f07-be0704779281Post:010f3a97-33a3-4fae-b821-33be92b64692">Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?</a>:
[QUOTE]If you need that much clarification after taking such a stand on this issue, I suggest you re-read the thread.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]
I just re-read it and I still feel the same way. Not taking any "stand." I don't agree that having a ceremony/reception in spite of being married is such a terrible thing. I do agree it would be better doing a vow renewal ceremony, but whatever, wouldn't offend me if I were a guest in that situation. <div>
</div><div>OP should not kick out her friend unless she intends to ruin her friendship. I think she need to realize no one will ever prioritize someone else's wedding, whether it's a 1st or re-do or what not, over their own priorities. I also thought it is ridiculous that she termed it as "suck it up" because I don't think her friend is doing anything out of line, but from reading various threads, it seems some people expect a whole lot more out of their WPs than others do. <div>
</div><div>I still also feel the fact she's having a do-over ceremony has less to do with the original topic and if the couple wants to do it, and her family/friends are attending, obviously it will be a special day for those involved. </div><div>
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reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?

Re: reasonable BM expectations, should i unBM or suck it up?

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