Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/

kdmaui

Ok so here's the deal... I asked a girl to be one of my bridesmaids, she accepted right away and we both were so excited. The bad news, she didn't tell me that she had money problems. The day to shop around for bridesmaids dresses came and she didn't bring a single penny with her, because she didn't have any. Months ago she had told me that she was getting a job - and I just recently learned that it didn't happen. She lives two hours away from here so I didn't  get the update right away - she didn't even tell me. I didn't know that she was in a really bad place.

I let my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, style and price, they only need to be the same color. The bridesmaid whose having trouble financially is not a girly girl and she didn't want to shop around, she let another girl picked the dress. The dress we picked was $180. I'm giving $50 to my bridesmaids (for their dress, make up, or hair), the girl said she would put the money towards the dress, so it would cost her $150.

We haven't ordered the bridesmaids dresses yet, so she hasn't spent any money on it. I would love for her to be part of my wedding, but I don't want her to use a little bit of money she has (or what she doesn't have) towards my wedding.  I asked her again if she really wanted to be my bridesmaid even with the money situation, she said she's "ok" and she'd get the money somehow... But she is currently jobless. She is very carefree, sometimes I feel that she's somewhat careless. What should I do? I feel like I have to babysit her and make sure she's making the right decision by taking her out of the bridal party, but I really don't want to hurt her feelings. But letting her spend her money on me when she really needs it isn't really what I have in mind either. Any suggestions?

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:9b54e5ad-d736-4485-94d2-c43a311b56f1">Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so here's the deal... I asked a girl to be one of my bridesmaids, she accepted right away and we both were so excited. The bad news, she didn't tell me that she had money problems. The day to shop around for bridesmaids dresses came and she didn't bring a single penny with her, because she didn't have any. Months ago she had told me that she was getting a job - and I just recently learned that it didn't happen. She lives two hours away from here so I didn't  get the update right away - she didn't even tell me. I didn't know that she was in a really bad place. I let my bridesmaids pick their own dresses, style and price, they only need to be the same color. The bridesmaid whose having trouble financially is not a girly girl and she didn't want to shop around, she let another girl picked the dress. <strong>The dress we picked was $180</strong>. I'm giving $50 to my bridesmaids (for their dress, make up, or hair), the girl said she would put the money towards the dress, so it would cost her $150. We haven't ordered the bridesmaids dresses yet, so she hasn't spent any money on it. I would love for her to be part of my wedding, <strong>but I don't want her to use a little bit of money she has (or what she doesn't have) towards my wedding. </strong> I asked her again if she really wanted to be my bridesmaid even with the money situation, she said she's "ok" and she'd get the money somehow... But she is currently jobless. She is very carefree, sometimes I feel that she's somewhat careless. What should I do? I feel like I have to babysit her and <strong>make sure she's making the right decision by taking her out of the bridal party, but I really don't want to hurt her feelings</strong>. <strong>But letting her spend her money on me when she really needs it isn't really what I have in mind either</strong>. Any suggestions?
Posted by kdmaui[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>You could offer to pay for her dress if you really want her in your wedding.  I can't tell if you do or not but you did say twice that you don't want her spending what little money she does have on her dress.  Plus, that dress is really expensive for a girl with no money.</div><div>
</div><div>Or, you could trust that she'll either get her dress or bow out before the wedding.  Don't take her out of the wedding because you know it will hurt her feelings, you said so yourself.  And if she does back out for whatever reason, don't replace her.  You'll only hurt the other person you're asking to take her place and you'll make your friend feel like she's replaceable. </div><div>
</div><div>If you're not willing to purchase her dress for her then the second option is the only one you've got.  </div><div>
</div>

mcbray21

If she says that she wants to be in the wedding, I don't think you should try to control the situation any further. Like PP said, just trust that she will make the right decision.

aerinpegadrak

If she wasn't asked her budget before the dress was selected, then sorry, you're in the wrong.  Since you're letting them all pick the dress, find out what she's comfortable spending, add your $50 contribution to that, and help her look for another one, maybe looking at secondhand or sample dresses rather than ordering new.  It's not really that complicated.

kayboo1218

I agree with pp.

If you're not in a position to offer to help pay for more of the dress, then just leave it be and let what happens happen. I have two girls that I had asked to be in my wedding that have not been in the best of situations lately (one got laid off after I had asked her, the other would just avoid my calls even if I wasn't calling about anything wedding related, which tells me something might be wrong). I kind of had a feeling they were not going to make it to the end but instead of bringing it to their attention I just left it alone. The deadline for ordering dresses was yesterday. Neither one ordered. I'm ok with that, they all have their own lives and hopefully they will be able to make it as guests!

sorry for the ramble, lol. My point is she will handle this one way or the other so just sit tight and don't stress about it.

amylynn314

If you want her to be in the WP really bad, I would have a private discussion and offer to help more than $50 for the dress (if you can afford it also). My sister is one of my BMs and I know my mom will pay for her dress (she is only 14...will be 15 at the wedding...but she doesn't work!) and my other BM is my FI's sister. If she can't afford it I know the FILs will take the bill. My Matron of Honor's husband is the Best Man, her children are my RB and FG, so I know they'll be on a tight budget as it is. So I plan on talking with her and letting her know if she needs help paying for wardrobes for the wedding, I am more than willing to help pay since I want them in the wedding.

mbcdefg

If your wedding is in October 2011, like your bio says, you shouldn't even be looking for dresses yet. Let alone ordering them or even worrying about ordering them.

The girls might change sizes between now and the wedding day (which is why it's generally suggested to order 4-6 months in advance, not a whole year). Or the dresses might get discontinued in the next few months. Then you're back to square one again and need to look for and pay for new dresses.

And this leaves her PLENTY of time to save up a bit of money, and for you to put aside some money to help her out with if you wish. Plus it leaves her some more time to find a job.

RELAX!!!!! Please do not worry about getting dresses right now. This is not a concern until maybe April 2011.

jagore08

Good catch malphabet.  I didn't even look at her date.

Beachy730

Agreed with PP who said you are looking way too early for dresses. 

As for her money issues, you asked if she wanted out, and she answered.  if she told you she will figure it out then she will.  Personally, if I was broke and it was my good friends wedding, I would be putting it on my credit card so that I could still be involved.  if you can offer to help pay for more than great.  If not, don't worry because she said she will manage it. 

Also, if she wasn't so concerned with picking out a dress in her budget, she must not be too worried about price.  You could look for a few dresses for her that cost less if you want.  But I say just let it go.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:988681e3-f11b-4f97-9eb8-6191f4a9d7d4">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]Agreed with PP who said you are looking way too early for dresses.  As for her money issues, you asked if she wanted out, and she answered.  if she told you she will figure it out then she will.  Personally, if I was broke and it was my good friends wedding, I would be putting it on my credit card so that I could still be involved.  if you can offer to help pay for more than great.  If not, don't worry because she said she will manage it.  Also, if she wasn't so concerned with picking out a dress in her budget, she must not be too worried about price.  You could look for a few dresses for her that cost less if you want.  But I say just let it go.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

The last thing that someone unemployed (or in a bad financial place) should do is put wedding expenses on a credit card.  If she can't afford it with cash, and it doesn't look like she can afford it anytime soon, then putting it on a credit card (if she even qualifies for credit in the first place) is a bad move.  Chances are, she wouldn't be able to pay it off in a timely manner.  The repercussions to her credit score would last much longer than October 2011.

The OP also said that the BM is not a "girly girl," and it's possible that she may not be familiar with these things (I didn't know much about this stuff either until I started planning my own wedding) so it's possible she had no idea that she knew how much BM dresses cost.  So I think it's a little presumptuous to assume that just because she let someone else pick out her dress means that she doesn't care about price. 

Muffin'sMom

I would agree with the, "Why are you ordering dresses now?"  A year can make a HUGE difference in a size...I know from painful experience 

Also, if you want her that much, then find a quiet way to pay for her dress.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:ee3adb16-a478-4d3c-9541-66b4f91e83b1">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/ : The last thing that someone unemployed (or in a bad financial place) should do is put wedding expenses on a credit card.  If she can't afford it with cash, and it doesn't look like she can afford it anytime soon, then putting it on a credit card (if she even qualifies for credit in the first place) is a bad move.  Chances are, she wouldn't be able to pay it off in a timely manner.  The repercussions to her credit score would last much longer than October 2011. The OP also said that the BM is not a "girly girl," and it's possible that she may not be familiar with these things (I didn't know much about this stuff either until I started planning my own wedding) so it's possible she had no idea that she knew how much BM dresses cost.  So I think it's a little presumptuous to assume that just because she let someone else pick out her dress means that she doesn't care about price. 
Posted by marinabreeze[/QUOTE]


All I meant was that this girl said she wants in the wedding, and will figure it out.  Me personally I would put it on a credit card.  Nobody is in any position to tell someone how to pay for something, so if she chooses to put it on a credit card thats her decision.  Also, I know many people who complain about how broke they are and live paycheck to paycheck, but have a ton of money in savings that they don't touch.  So if this girl said she will figure it out its her choice to pay how she wants.

I'm not a girly girl either but I've been in weddings before, had my own, and know that a BM dress isn't usually cheap.  She could jump on David's Bridal website or something else and realize a price idea.  I think its presumptuous to assume that this BM is that naive, and to blame the bride for this girl having an expensive dress.

suz62984

Stay out of this! You asked her twice and she accepted, twice! It is not your job, or business, to meddle in how people spend their money!!! It is none of your business if she has a job or not. Are you requiring that they have hair and makeup done? If so, it is your responsibility to pay for all of it...not just $50 worth. If she is having problems she can pick a different dress; however it is still none of your business. Stop trying to micro-manage. Once again, not your business how she spends money, gets money, or where it comes from! 

mattycam

I have one bridesmaid that had concerns about the style and the cost.How we were able to resolve it is by having her slightly adjust the style without being out of sync with the other girls (she had concerns about the upper part of her body) and rather than paying everything in full, she would pay half now and come up with the other half next year which gives some time to save.

Bottom line, when being in a bridal party, you should expect to spend a bit on a dress especially if it is one that is not off the rack and has to be ordered. I think you BM was not being honest with you. If she knew these are difficult times for her then she should not have agreed to be in the wedding.

mbcdefg

Why would you need to "fill the gap"?

aerinpegadrak

But sides don't need to be even.  Uneven sides are common.  I think it's really sad to keep someone out of the wedding just because they couldn't afford to buy a new dress.  One of my bridesmaids was on MLOA and her husband was unemployed, I offered to loan her money for the dress, paid gas money for her to get to the wedding, and paid for a night's hotel so she wouldn't be driving into town the morning of the wedding and leaving immediately after.  It didn't cost all that much, but it was really important to me that she be there.  I just can't comprehend the mentality of "Oh well, this is the dress and if you can't afford it, I guess you're just not as good a friend as I thought."

calvinknight03

To be clear, SHE pulled out of the wedding. I did not kick her out. And I offered to pay for most of her stuff. But she still couldn't afford it. She shouldn't have agreed to it in the first place. I also shouldn't have asked her but she is a friend and I wanted her to be part of it.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:a4e96358-83b4-4d53-8ef9-07f634d78bac">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]Bottom line, when being in a bridal party, you should expect to spend a bit on a dress especially if it is one that is not off the rack and has to be ordered. I think you BM was not being honest with you. If she knew these are difficult times for her then she should not have agreed to be in the wedding.
Posted by mattycam[/QUOTE]

How does her openly telling OP that she's having money problems translate to her not being honest?

I'm beginning to see that Mattycam gives some of the worst advice out there.

OP, she's a big girl, she can deal with her own finances, and she's telling you that she wants to do this. I agree with everyone who said you shouldn't be asking anyone to order dresses yet, but when that time does roll around (sooo, March of next year) don't ask your friend again if she still wants to be a BM - she does.

mattycam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:86aa95b1-9b11-4326-93dd-9c782e7fef34">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/ : How does her openly telling OP that she's having money problems translate to her not being honest? I'm beginning to see that Mattycam gives some of the worst advice out there. Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you certainly are not entitled to agree with anything I say. I am certainly not trying to give bad advice to make people's situation worse. These boards are posted to get different viewpoints and ideas from people. At the end of the day, you can take it or leave it.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:e5ab446f-c996-4c82-a9d0-c0ca5d1106ce">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/ : <strong> Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and you certainly are not entitled to agree with anything I say</strong>. I am certainly not trying to give bad advice to make people's situation worse. These boards are posted to get different viewpoints and ideas from people. At the end of the day, you can take it or leave it.
Posted by mattycam[/QUOTE]

I believe you mean I AM entitled NOT to agree.

Although I agree with you that you're more than welcome to post your opinions, I just happen to think they're bad ones and will say so in the hopes the other posters will evaluated what you're suggesting before following your advice and potentially causing problems in their friendships.

mattycam

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:c1aba451-1423-45e6-af3c-5ed51639ed08">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/ : I believe you mean I AM entitled NOT to agree. Although I agree with you that you're more than welcome to post your opinions, I just happen to think they're bad ones and will say so in the hopes the other posters will evaluated what you're suggesting before following your advice and potentially causing problems in their friendships.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

That's your opinion and it is not your place to be talking down on people.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:666ba63c-f5a2-451a-a29b-5e3e9f2f6891">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/ : All I meant was that this girl said she wants in the wedding, and will figure it out.  Me personally I would put it on a credit card.  Nobody is in any position to tell someone how to pay for something, so if she chooses to put it on a credit card thats her decision.  Also, I know many people who complain about how broke they are and live paycheck to paycheck, but have a ton of money in savings that they don't touch.  So if this girl said she will figure it out its her choice to pay how she wants. I'm not a girly girl either but I've been in weddings before, had my own, and know that a BM dress isn't usually cheap.  She could jump on David's Bridal website or something else and realize a price idea.  I think its presumptuous to assume that this BM is that naive, and to blame the bride for this girl having an expensive dress.
Posted by dnbeach12[/QUOTE]

Most people I know don't like to admit that they're broke, and so to do so means some swallowing of pride, so I don't get the concept of bragging about being broke.  That said, if she is saying she is in a tough financial spot, why do you assume that she's lying?  Especially considering that she is <em>unemployed</em>, it's not like she has all this income coming in (except maybe unemployment, but that may only be a portion of what she made when employed).  So to "charge it" would be her decision (assuming she has credit cards with a high enough limit), but considering the fact that the economy is in the crapper in part because of people living beyond their means, that's not a smart decision.  Not being presumptuous, just stating the facts.

Also, you said that you've been in weddings before, so you know that bm dresses are expensive.  You assume this girl is aware of this, but she may not have had your same experience.  I've never been in a WP before, so I didn't know the cost of BM dresses until I started planning my own wedding, and even then, there are solutions that do not require a huge expense.  The bride should have insisted privately that BM let her know her budget.  It sounds like the BM may have either been somewhat embarrassed by her financial situation or she didn't know the expense involved.

Don't assume a level of knowledge beyond what is being stated in the OP.  That is what made your previous comment presumptuous.

marinabreeze

sorry for the double post!

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaid-agrees-part-of-party-but-cant-afford?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:4b9e7ef2-a5d0-49d7-aa55-678ef4f01d65Post:c5968e29-f4d4-4df2-bb31-3901c9297906">Re: Bridesmaid agrees to be part of the party, but can't afford it :/</a>:
[QUOTE]And it's our wedding, if we want the sides to be even, then they'll be even. Some people like it even, some don't care.<strong> I, personally, think it looks better. And we're all friends, anyway.</strong> We weren't sure that I like the idea of  having one person not have anyone to dance with, or walk down the aisle with, or be the odd one out. And It worked out with the friend that I added because I originally wanted her to be part of the wedding anyway.
Posted by calvinknight03[/QUOTE]

Your friends and family aren't props for your ceremony and pictures, they're people.  Besides, even if the friend you added didn't say it to your face, she has to know that she's just a fill-in, and surely that can't be a good feeling.  You don't stop being a good friend to people just because you have a wedding date.