Maid of honor just engaged...

norcalbride2B

MOH recently got engaged & for some unknown reason I'm a bit bummed by it. I'm trying to figure out why it slightly bothers me. I'm just wondering if anyone else felt this way or if I'm being completely ridiculous

stina93446

Maybe because you're dealing with the attention and glow of being engaged is no longer on you?

Try to be happy for her. you'd want her to be happy for you if your roles were reversed, right?

KappaK

She is your MOH so I am assuming she is one of your closest friends...be happy for her.  There is no reason to be bummed, it is a great time for the both of you now.  I got engaged shortly after one of my friends and she wasn't bummed, in fact I think she was more excited than I was.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-just-engaged?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:4bfe1606-5b63-475b-8c3a-7cd1bdea9dc3Post:ec4734c3-8a39-46da-b847-064d4fbfdb9b">Maid of honor just engaged...</a>:
[QUOTE]MOH recently got engaged & for some unknown reason I'm a bit bummed by it. I'm trying to figure out why it slightly bothers me. I'm just wondering if anyone else felt this way or if I'm being completely ridiculous
Posted by norcalbride2B[/QUOTE]

I should also mention that when I was a MOH for my bf, I was not engaged and she thought my DH would propose before her big day, so she thought a good idea would be to ask my DH NOT to ask me to marry him until after her big day. DO NOT do this. It's ridiculous and rude to ask people to stop living their lives until you get hitched....not saying you'd do this, just giving you a story and telling you to do the right thing...which is to be happy.

banana468

Holy Moly Stina!

I think it can be a bit of a sad feeling when you realize that the attention is off you.

But instead, focus on how happy all of you are and how great it will be that you get to experience such wonderful life events close together!

stina93446

Holy moly why? Did I say something wrong? Or are you weirded out by my crazy friend?

MyNameIsNot

I'm weirded out by your crazy friend!

OP, it sounds like maybe you are a little jealous of the attention.  It's ok to feel that way, but it's not ok to act out on it.  Just smile and tell her how happy you are for her.  Eventually, those feelings will wear off and you will be excited for her.

stina93446

My name is not, don't worry. When she told me about this, I told DH that if he wanted to propose to me to just do it and told her that she was being ridiculous.

I was a very good MOH too. I threw her a shower and B party and when people asked to see my ring, I showed it, and then tried to focus back on the bride.

banana468

I'm weirded out by the crazy friend! 

That's just nuts....but I'm not surprised that people like that exist.  :-)

stina93446

I couldn't believe it either. She was a crazy bride. One who could not function unless under lots of stress. Problem was, she never told her BP that she liked stressful conditions, because none of us did. We all offered to help her with stuff at 6 weeks out because we found out that she had no honeymoon, cake, dj, tuxes, etc.....I told her that unless she high tailed it, she was going to be missing something vital at her wedding....she then cried and yelled at me on the phone for an hour because apparently, I said that her 'wedding sucked." Go figure.

MeaghanandMichael

Yeah OP, you are just being self centered and jealous. Just stop before you ruin something for your best friend.

I speak from experience from the other direction. My college roommate dated H's college roommate. She literally cried the last hour of my reception in the corner because she was so upset we got married before them. Now that they are engaged she won't tell me a thing about her own wedding (even though I am in the WP) and has pretty much copied a lot from my wedding. Jealousy is a biitch and not pretty.

megk8oz

Warning: Meg is about to have a "Whaaaa" moment.

I think I understand it a bit. Shortly after I got engaged and bought my first place (I was the first child to move out), my older sister got pregnant ... when I heard the news, I pretty much sighed to myself "Well, it was nice while it lasted", because I knew my family's attention was going to get completely shifted. Sure enough, it did, and it sucked. At one point, I got so desperate, I actually began trying to plan the wedding so it would happen before the baby was born just to get back my moment (Which at that point I had 2 months and absolutely no budget ... it never would've happened. Or if it did, I'd have regretted it).

It probably didn't help that while all this was going on, I was also being a BM for my BSC friend (Who basically kept telling me she was going to plan my wedding for me because "No offense, but your taste is too foufy"), and she was having this really nice wedding (Well, what she picked out was ghastly, but what her mom picked was nice) that her parents were footing the entire bill for, while I knew FI and I were going to be paying for everything our own (Which meant we were going to have to wait longer than we wanted to in order to have the wedding we wanted).

Eventually, I just came to terms with the fact that while it seems like I never get to be the center of attention (I'm one of 5 kids, the middle girl, and 2 of my siblings are "special needs"), l don't NEED to be the center of attention.

When I was done throwing my little pity party, I got my priorities straight again, and began to rationally look at life. People are always going to get engaged and have babies and weddings. I don't get the monopoly on having "the good stuff" happen to me. Some day, my sisters and brothers will get engaged and have their own weddings, as will my friends (Well, the ones that haven't done so already) and my job as a good friend and sister is to be happy for them, just like I want them to be happy for me.

Your wedding will still be special and it will still belong to you. While it may seem like your friend is getting more attention now, it's because it's still "new". Just like when your wedding is on the brink of happening, the focus will be back on you. Enjoy the moments while you get them, and enjoy that other people get to have them, too (I mean, it's not like you want your MOH's life to suck, right? That would just be awful). You'll be much happier that way.

Cheer up!

blackfire5th

Shortly after I got engaged, one of my bm found out that she was pregnant.  I was so excited!!!  However, I was completely blown away because she told me that she didn't want to really make a big deal about it and steal my thunder.  I told her she was being rediculous and we talked all the time about her baby and I couldn't have been happier!

stina93446

I also dealt with 3 pregnancies during our engagement, and it actually ticked me off that the husbands would tell me, "Don't worry Stina, hopefully the babies won't take away from you." As if, dudes. It's a wedding, and people are there to see a bride.....please, a baby is NO competition for me. lol, that's the way you have to think about it. Yes, you're happy for everyone, but your day and you will be fine.

jaz0822

i think you are having a very natural reaction - don't be too hard on  yourself!!  Of course, be happy for your best friend (I'm sure you are) but it's normal to want this to be "all about you"  

I think that the timing of your/her engagement will help with these feelings - because you are in planning mode while she is in engagement euphoria and you will be building up to your big day as she is in planning mode.  

I understand how you feel, my best friend from college (one of my bridesmaids) was 8 months pregnant when i got engaged and she was so tired and bloated that she was hard to get attention from.... I ended up thinking that she wouldn't have any time for me or my wedding when the baby came but we've been able to have girl talk about my wedding and her adorable baby.  

Good luck!

nightmare_of_beauty

Right after I got engaged, 2 other friends got engaged. The reason it upset me is because one of them was the day after mine and the other was a month.
The one that got engaged the day after me, rubbed it in my face like there was no tomorrow and kept going on how special her day was going to be. We are no longer friends for a million reasons. She and her guy ended up going down to the courthouse because she was pregnant.
I know it hurts a bit, but just have your moment then move on.

bablingbrooke

I hate to do the ol' "you only get one day" adage, but really that's all that matters is the one day.  And there's nothing that your MOH can do, intentionally or otherwise, to take away the attention on your wedding day.

I never would have believed that before I got married, but now that I have I can honestly say it's true.  You won't care who was or wasn't engaged, who was or wasn't "reliable" as a BM, or how much attention was on you in the days, weeks, and months leading up to the wedding.  You really won't.  So it's not worth getting bent out of shape over now.

Even if your MOH wasn't engaged, you weren't going to be the center of attention anyway for everyone.  My extended family paid very little attention to the wedding because my grandparents hit some financial and health issues and that really consumed the family for awhile, as it should have.  Something always comes up.  Even if you don't have a big event like that, people are just going to focus on their own lives until right before the wedding.  You just have something staring you in the face reminding you of it.

Be happy for her.  You won't regret that you had to "share" your engagement, but you will regret not being happy for your best friend.  And I'm sure you already are happy for her and the whole being bummed thing will pass.  Just don't say anything to her about your feelings for now.

CTGirl30

I don't believe you're being completely ridiculous - I think you're just a little sad that someone else is getting excitement and attention, too, but don't let that come between your friendship.

Be happy for your friend! One of my good friends got engaged a few months after I did and I was one of the first people she called to tell since she knew I'd also recently gotten engaged and it was all new to her. She didn't know how to start telling her family or other friends or if she should wait, etc. I was so flattered that she thought to call me first. One of my BMs will be engaged any moment now and I am thrilled for her to get engaged so we can discuss wedding plans together. Another one of my BMs has been married for several years now and may or may not be announcing she's pregnant one of these days (she and DH are trying). Will I be upset if she is? Nope - I will be absolutely thrilled for her. Then again, I'm also a little nervous when the spotlight IS totally on me, lol, so I don't mind sharing the attention one bit with friends who have great things going on in their lives, too.
 Don't worry - your wedding will be a wonderful day and you'll be able to share in your ideas and the fun of the planning with your newly engaged friend, too.

tidetravel

You don't get to choose how you feel.  You do, however, get to choose how you act upon those feelings.

Let go of whatever hurt feelings you have and be a good friend to your MOH.

mbcdefg

I don't think it's a huge deal as long as you don't act on those feelings. Feeling a certain way doesn't automatically make you an awful person. Sometimes it's hard to shake off those "stealing my thunder" feelings when TV shows and magazines and even loved ones have been pumping the idea into our heads for years that we should all have a whole year to shine. (*barf*)

So just take a little while to think it over in private, shake it off, and then be happy for her and ask if she wants to trade notes and help each other plan (if you want).

lalap69

I really love this thread.  It was great to read everyone's stories and be reminded that we're all human.

I especially liked Tide's advice.  You can't control how you feel, but you can control how you act.  I also find that when I force myself to put on my happy face and act excited about something, it soon stops being acting and I'll genuinely feel that way.

norcalbride2B

You are all so wonderful, thank to everyone for their piece of advice. I like hearing both sides & am happy to feel relief now. I have now thought in private, moved on passed it & am looking forward to sharing wedding ideas with her while still having my special day.

dani7248

My best friend got engaged less then 1 week after me.  i think my FI was more upset that i was.  i was a tad bummed b/c we were together for over 4 years and wanted the attention but we honestly had so much fun planning together and are getting married in different seasons so its not competitive at all.  She is getting married next week, 5 months before mine! I think anyone else would get sick of hearing the planning stuff but it was nice to go through the fun and crazy times together.  Its definitely normal but that strange feeling will pass soon and then you will have a blast and end up even closer to her.