Wedding Party

Cousin as my M.O.H...until I got engaged. Help!

My cousin and I are only two years apart and have grown especially close in the last five or six years. She was my absolute best friend and we did everything together (cue cheesy music). She always seemed a bit jealous about my relationship with my (now) fiance, but things basically exploded when I got engaged.

She was one of the first people I told, next to my parents. She didn't answer her phone so I left a voicemail and a text message. Later on that night when I didn't hear from her I sent a picture of my ring since I thought she had been too busy to listen to her voicemails. The end result is that I didn't hear from her that day. Or the next day. Or the entire week. When I finally did hear from her she said "I was sick from Thanksgiving food and couldn't call you. Nothing I can do about it now". I told her how hurt I was (so much so that it brought me to tears) and she didn't seem to care.

That was a little over a month ago and she never reached out to me again after that point. No phone calls, no texts. If I contact her she will respond in one word answers and that's it.

The truth is I do not want her as my maid of honor anymore. As the title suggests, it is an honor and sadly, she has barely been an aquaintance since I got engaged, much less a friend or best friend. 

Do I still have her in my wedding party as a bridesmaid? I just don't know if I should throw out all our history despite her behavior. I'm really stuck on this and would appreciate any advice!

Re: Cousin as my M.O.H...until I got engaged. Help!

  • Have you attempted to actually sit down and talk to her about this?  Are your messages, texts, etc. ALL wedding related?

    Kicking someone out of your WP is a friendship ending or not.  From the timeline of things, it seems that you have only been engaged for about a month or so?  I would definitely wait until after the New Year and reach out to her to go shopping, lunch, movies, etc., basically anything to engage with her and talk to her about this.

    Don't make any rash decisions until you have exhausted all efforts in trying to speak with her. 

    I hope this works out for b/c it seems like your relationship with your cousin means a lot to you and it would be sad to see a friendship go down the drain.

    Good luck!


  • Thank you! We haven't been able to sit down in person because right now I live in Florida and she lives in New York. I have tried to talk about a million other things with her, especially since I know that she is upset that I'm getting married. It was her birthday this past week and I sent a present and called and the only thing I got back was a text that said "I'm busy at work. Can't talk". 

    I hope things do change because it truthfully is hurting me every day. 
  • Did you actually ask her before you got engaged to be your MOH? Or was it just assumed that she would be? If you've never asked her, the don't worry about it and ask someone else. I can understand why you're upset, but if she never knew your intentions to have her as MOH, no harm no foul. It doesn't sound like she'd be interested in being in your wedding anyway.
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  • How do you know that she us upset that you are getting married?  Is this an assumption or based on fact?

    Maybe she isn't necessarily upset that you are getting married persay but concerned that she doesn't get to be selfish and keep you all to herself.  Like once you get married you will never speak again type of thing.

    Ok wait, I'm confused here.  You say that you have "tried to talk about a million other things with her" but in your OP you said that "she will respond with one word answers and that's it"

    You have a year and a half until your wedding so there is TONS of time left.  Most people don't ask their WP until 6-9 months in advance.  My best advice here is to NOT talk wedding to her at all.  Period.  Let her be the one to bring it up and ask about things.  If your relationship doesn't seem to improve over the next year, then I would reconsider things.  Otherwise, you have nothing but time on your hands for all of this to work out.

    Don't make any rash decisions now that you could possible regret later.  Seriously.


  • Your wedding isn't until July 2013 (or at least that's what your profile says).  Wait until Christmas time next year to ask anyone to be in your wedding party.  You two may make up, fight again, and make up again in that time.  Just focus on your friendship with her and take your wedding out of it.
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  • I agree with others about waiting. You have a really long time before your wedding and there is nothing that any BMs would need to do now anyway. Take some time and keep working on your cousin. I would give her a break and then reach out again. Be honest with her and tell her that you miss her friendship and really want to get things back to the way they were. If her responses are continually negative and you are less than a year out, then I think you have a right to select others for your WP.

  • Kate61487Kate61487 member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    ditto PPs to work on the relationship and leave the wedding out of it for now.  I'm gonna guess you haven't actually asked her to be your MOH yet, since you two haven't really spoken since you got engaged - leave it that way!  don't ask ANYONE to be in your BP until about 9 months out, as it will save you so much drama.  (granted - I didn't take my own advice, but I was only engaged for 11 months total, so it wasn't that far off)  Good Luck!
  • I was in a similar situation when I got engaged.  My cousin and I have always been close-more like sisters than cousins-and I was terribly hurt when I called her to tell her I got engaged and I did not exactly get the reaction that I assumed she would have for me.  But thats eactly what I did I ASSUMED she was not happy for me.  The best advice I could have heard was that no one will ever be as excited for your wedding as you will be. NO ONE.  Long story short, I talked to my cousin, one on one, and found out that she had some personal issues going on the day that I got engaged-big issues-and that she was extremely happy for me, but she was just going through a rough time.  I still asked her to be my MOH, and I am ecstatic.  She is now very supportive, and seems to be getting more involved in my wedding planning and things. 

    My suggestion is to talk with your cousin.  It is probably not you, but something with her.  Do not assume anything, and do not make a decision yet.  You have plenty of time.  You may just be surprised.

    Hope this helps!
  • Ditto the people suggesting you wait until 6-9 months out, and revisit the question based on the relationship then.  Put the wedding question aside for now and focus on the friendship.  That may mean giving her some time and space.  As long as you did not ask her to be your MOH after you got engaged, you are still free to chose whomever you like when the time comes.
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  • Thanks for the advice everyone. I did not ask her to be m.o.h, I had just always assumed it would be her. The tricky thing is that I am not having any friends in my bridal party at all. Just my sisters, my soon to be sister in law and (possibly) my cousin. So even though my wedding is far away I know that not much will change as far as having my family as my bridal party.

    I guess anything is possible in terms of why she has been unresponsive to me, but anytime I try to discuss it with her she shuts down. I have left a million voicemails and emails for her asking about her new years plans, talking about a store that's having a sale, how her job is, etc. She always texts that she will call back "later" and never does. I guess I will just give her a bit of space and hope that she eventually comes back around :/
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