Please advise~ "extra" bridsmaid

MaeganB78

Ladies,

I could really use your advise on what to do.  My sister is getting married in less than two weeks and I am her Matron of Honor.  One of her bridesmaids "Betsy" is flying in for the wedding and is bringing her best friend "Jenny" as her date. Jenny is an aquaintance of my sister but the rest of us don't know her.  Here's the kicker- Betsy has invited Jenny to stay at my sister's home during the wedding weekend, to the rehearsal dinner (just the wedding party & family were originally invited) and has also asked my sister (the bride) to include Jenny in the hair & nail appts on the wedding day.  Betsy has also asked if Jenny can come to the Bachelorette dinner (just the bride & bridesmaids) and to the Bridal Shower!  I'm at my wit's end and NEED advice!  I want this day to be perfect for my sister, and instead it's becoming a nightmare.  The bridesmaid who is including her friend has already been a pain (not buying her dress until the last minute, not responding to any of our e-mails, etc) and my sister (the bride) is too nice to tell Betsy that she would prefer it just be her bridesmaids.  Help! 

M.B.

P.S. I will never see either of these two women again (they both live in different states) so if you advise me to tell them off gently, I don't mind doing so. 

Licia&Wayne

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-advise-extra-bridsmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5068f632-a4ef-4928-bcba-c917198043d9Post:764a64af-df12-4ee4-a931-ef1bce1c3156">Please advise~ "extra" bridsmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Ladies, I could really use your advise on what to do.  My sister is getting married in less than two weeks and I am her Matron of Honor.  One of her bridesmaids "Betsy" is flying in for the wedding and is bringing her best friend "Jenny" as her date. Jenny is an aquaintance of my sister but the rest of us don't know her.  Here's the kicker- Betsy has invited Jenny to stay at my sister's home during the wedding weekend, to the rehearsal dinner (just the wedding party & family were originally invited) and has also asked my sister (the bride) to include Jenny in the hair & nail appts on the wedding day.  Betsy has also asked if Jenny can come to the Bachelorette dinner (just the bride & bridesmaids) and to the Bridal Shower!  I'm at my wit's end and NEED advice!  I want this day to be perfect for my sister, and instead it's becoming a nightmare.  The bridesmaid who is including her friend has already been a pain (not buying her dress until the last minute, not responding to any of our e-mails, etc) and my sister (the bride) is too nice to tell Betsy that she would prefer it just be her bridesmaids.  Help!  M.B. P.S. I will never see either of these two women again (they both live in different states) so if you advise me to tell them off gently, I don't mind doing so.  :)
Posted by MaeganB78[/QUOTE]

Does your sister want her there? If the answer is no, it's your sister's job to tell her friend that the friend's friend is not invited in a polite way that will not hurt her friend's feelings.

When I read your OP, I couldn't help but feel like you're just looking for a fight, and I hope that isn't the case. This is not a conflict for you, but for your sister.

I have to say, though, one extra person is not a big deal. If it's going to ruffle feathers, I would probably say, "It's wonderful to have you!" and move on. This girl is her date, shouldn't the same hospitality be extended to her?

aerinpegadrak

We get plenty of posts here to the effect of "My MOH is way overstepping her bounds and endangering my relationships with my other bridesmaids, what do I do?"  I wonder if any of them were written by your sister.

In short, butt out.  If your sister is really uncomfortable with this other girl being there, it's up to her to find the balls to say so.

MyNameIsNot

You need to stay out of this.  This is your sister's friend, and it is her job to manage her relationships.  As MOH, it is not your job to try to manage her other friends.  

If your sister doesn't care, she can leave it alone.  I don't see how Jenny would ruin anything simply by being there for these things.  If I were this bride, I'd just go this route.  

If she does care, it is up to your sister to talk to Betsy about it.  Not you.  If it comes from you, it just comes off as controlling sister.  Betsy is your sister's BM.  She is one of your sister's closest friends.  Your sister knows how to talk to her without creating drama.  You getting involved just makes a fight where none is necessary.  

megk8oz

Honestly, I think that if your sister actually has a problem with this (Which you haven't really clarified here), then she can handle it however she feels necessary. She is an adult, she should act as such.

I also fail to see how Betsy being "a pain" has anything to do with this situation. Are you trying to say that if she'd been a "perfect" bridesmaid then you'd be okay with her female date tagging along? Would everything be different if Betsy ordered her dress first and was the Queen of the Email Chain? It doesn't matter what kind of bridesmaid she is, unless she's trying to sleep with the groom (In which case, you've got much bigger issues), it holds no weight as to whether or not it's okay to bring her friend along.

As far as the rehearsal dinner goes: are any of the other WP members getting to bring their dates to the wedding? If so, why wouldn't Betsy's date get to go? And if nobody else is allowed to bring their wedding date ... well, that's just rude anyway. If you're given a +1 to the wedding, and then you're invited to the RD, etiquette dictates said +1 gets to go to the RD as well.

And I'm not really sure why, but I'm really bothered by your attitude of "I won't mind if you tell me it's cool to tell them off".


This whole scenario is an A/B conversation between your sister and Betsy, and you need to "C" your way out. It's truly none of your business.

maibrandnew

Guess I'm just a bit mean, but I thought it was the MOH's place to be the voice of the bride and to inform the bridal party of the bride's wishes. I agree with everyone else as far as checking with your sister first and if she's not on board with the friend taggin along, just tell the bridesmaid how your sister feels. I was a MOH just a few weeks ago and the bride was passive, so to speak. That's why she chose me to be her MOH because she knew I knew how to handle situations. After the dust settled, the bride was happy I spoke up and the bridal party couldn't do anything other than respect it. Best of luck to you.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_please-advise-extra-bridsmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5068f632-a4ef-4928-bcba-c917198043d9Post:a21a72cb-c0df-429b-9c2c-2b89f9355d2f">Re: Please advise~ "extra" bridsmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Guess I'm just a bit mean, but I thought it was the MOH's place to be the voice of the bride and to inform the bridal party of the bride's wishes</strong>. I agree with everyone else as far as checking with your sister first and if she's not on board with the friend taggin along, just tell the bridesmaid how your sister feels. I was a MOH just a few weeks ago and the bride was passive, so to speak. That's why she chose me to be her MOH because she knew I knew how to handle situations. After the dust settled, the bride was happy I spoke up and the bridal party couldn't do anything other than respect it. Best of luck to you.
Posted by maibrandnew[/QUOTE]

<div>Not mean, just wrong.</div><div>
</div><div>The bride asks her closest friends to be her BMs.  These aren't a bunch of strangers or employees, they are the bride's friends.  The bride needs to be the one to talk to them if there is an issue.  Getting another person involved just creates drama.</div><div>
</div><div>Take the wedding out of the equation.  Pretend I have an issue with my friend Sarah for some reason.  As an adult, I will talk to my friend and figure out how to solve the problem.  But if I vent to my sister, and then my sister tries to address the issue with Sarah, it turns into a giant drama mess, and makes me look like a baby, and probably does some serious damage to my friendship with Sarah.  Adding a wedding to the equation doesn't make this make any more sense.  </div><div>
</div><div>If a woman isn't confident and mature enough to address problems with her own closest friends, she doesn't have any business getting married.  </div>

aerinpegadrak

The MOH isn't the boss of the other bridesmaids.  It is absolutely not her place to try to be the bride's mouthpiece to a bunch of women she may not even know.  Sorry, you're completely wrong about that.

filaw

From you post I got the impression that the bride is going crazy with the situation and doesn't want to be the "bad guy", so you're offering to take care of it for her.  If she wants you to deal with it, I don't really see a problem with that.

There's a lot of things she's invited herself to.  Some more appropriate in my opinion than others.  This is probably how I would break it down.

Invited herself to stay at your sister's home:

Is it your sister's home or your parents?  Are other people staying there?  Is *Besty* staying there?  If Besty has been invited to stay at the house, I think it's fair for Besty to ask if there is room for her "date" too.  If Besty didn't ask first if there was room, etc, that's rude, but overlookable (assuming there is actually room, if there isn't, just let her know that there isn't room).  If Besty isn't staying there herself, it think it's entirely inappropriate for her to expect Jenny to be able to stay there.

If someone is going to tell Jenny she can't stay at the house (no room, no one else is staying there, etc.) Then it should come from the owner of the house.

Rehearsal dinner:

Is no one else bringing dates?  If not, it's definitely more awkward, but I do feel bad for Jenny (and all other dates) to get left behind on the RD.  Is it possible to change the plan to let everyone bring their date if the have one?

If dates are not invited to the RD, the person who tells Besty/Jenny this should be whoever is hosting the RD.

Hair and Nail appts:

I don't see any reason why "dates" should be included in these.  Jenny should be able to take care of herself morning of the wedding.  

The bride should let Besty know this is BM's only.

Bachelorette and Bridal Shower:

It sorta depends on the intimacy.  For me, both events were "casual" enough that I wouldn't have really noticed an extra random person, and would have gone along with it just to keep the peace/not leave Jenny alone all weekend.  However, we also did a night before the wedding, I took the BM's out to dinner thing, and I would have been upset if there had been a crasher there.  Sounds like that might be the Bachelorette for you guys?  Maybe let her come to the less intimate party?

Whatever parties Jenny is/is not invited to should be told to her by the person hosting the party.  

maibrandnew

in my situation, I was both the closest and most outspoken... the other MOH as well... however she was the problem. And also in our situation, we all knew each other and have all been friends for over 20 years, so no surprises there either.

Maybe she shouldn't have gotten married, that remains to be seen but after the wedding was said and done... take out the other MOH and it was a beautiful day. Photos proved it and the bride has regrets.

MaeganB78

I really appreciated all of the advice each of you gave me.  Yes, I agree that the bride is an adult and should be able to talk to her BM Betsy and express that she prefers Jenny (the "extra bridesmaid") not come to the bridal shower, hair appts, etc.. but I should have explained that the bride (my sister) is very passive and has confided to me several times how upsetting this situation has been to her in planning her wedding.  I am not looking for a fight at all, rather; I want this day to be perfect for my sister.  This situation is upsetting to us because we really like Betsy and can't understand why all of a sudden she is being so difficult.  Betsy told one of the other BM's that she "hates" the BM dress.  She also hasn't responded to any of our e-mails, texts, etc about the wedding weekend details. 

Just to clarify, of course the WP are free to bring a date to the wedding.  Betsy's husband couldn't come so she invited her friend Jenny instead.  My sister (the bride) had no problem with this, other than she is having a small wedding (100 ppl) and wouldn't have thought to issue an invitation to Jenny because Jenny isn't a family friend and lives out of state.  The only issue we have is the blatant disregard Betsy apparently has for normal wedding protocal- you don't invite someone the bride isn't close with to stay at the bride's home for the wedding without getting permission from the bride first.  That is the problem the bride & I both have with Betsy at this point- my sister doesn't want to hurt anyone's feelings and thinks she just has to go with it now.. this makes me angry that she is being taken advantage of.  Also, our mom is payingfor the bridal shower luncheon and Betsy inviting Jenny to tag along is creating additional cost for my mom. 

I don't agree with the advice that I should butt out, or that I shouldn't be the one to intervene when someone is so blatantly upsetting the bride.  I believe the MOH is responsible for keeping the bride happy and helping her in any way.  When my sister (the bride) looks back on her wedding day, I don't want her to regret that an uninvited guest partook in festivities meant for the bride and her closest family & friends.  Thanks for letting me vent. 

banana468

Maegan, it's great that you want to help your sister but that's by doing things like getting her food, grabbing her makeup or other things.

Fighting her battles needs to be her job.  She may be passive about things but that doesn't mean that it's OK for you to do the dirty work.  If she has issues with this friend, then your sister needs to be the one to tell her.  Only if the BM is affecting YOU would it be appropriate to speak up.  Otherwise, it comes across that your sister is not an adult who can handle her own battles - and then it can look a bit high schoolish.