FFIL issues....kinda long

apfoster05

It's been a while since I have posted and part of that is due to the fact that we have postponed our wedding a year, so I will no longer be a 6/5/2010 knottie

It was hard at first but now I am so happy that we have done this...anyways onto my issues...

My Future Family IN law has pretty much tried to ruin everything...I've posted problems about them before and it just hasnt gone away...I will state a few facts

Fact:

1. FSIL and I have never gotten along...

2. FSIL is a busybody and meddles in everyones lives, i.e. she said this to me in an email, "I don't care that you deleted me as a friend on facebook, I have 1,026 other friends I can follow."

3. FMIL is also a busybody

4. my FI and I have removed all his family from our friends on facebook.

5. FSIL was only in my wedding to please FMIL, because she was paying for the RD...

6. FI and I postponed the wedding because we had gotten to the point of stress where we felt we didnt want to marry each other anymore, we hated to be around each other...pretty much we worked all the time so we wouldnt have to deal with each other.

7. FMIL said that since she was paying for the ceremony flowers, SHE was going to pick them out...NOW SOMEONE TELL ME IF I AM BEING SELFISH, but I said hell no thats not how it works...

8. 3 weeks ago WE told his family to F-OFF, and we have been sooooo happy ever since.

now my issues are with FSIL...I know it isn't the right thing to do to "kick" someone out of your wedding party after you have asked them, but I did. I told her I never wanted her in my wedding, that I did it to please FMIL and that was it. I said that I didn't want her in my wedding or ANYWHERE near my wedding on my wedding day. My FI thinks I'm overracting but supports me in my decision, because he doesnt like his sister either.

There are just certain things that she said she "had to know" about our lives...which just proves that she is trying to medel in them...

Am I right to have done this???

bablingbrooke

I think you added fuel to the fire and I can't see how this helps your relationship with your FILs.   It probably felt really good at the time, and still does, but think long term.  No way to unring a bell I guess.

stina93446

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ffil-issueskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:54260806-77f1-457b-90af-3bbf9db4a6a8Post:424b0128-88df-4893-9f16-a518cc7a6d55">FFIL issues....kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]It's been a while since I have posted and part of that is due to the fact that we have postponed our wedding a year, so I will no longer be a 6/5/2010 knottie :( It was hard at first but now I am so happy that we have done this...anyways onto my issues... My Future Family IN law has pretty much tried to ruin everything...I've posted problems about them before and it just hasnt gone away...I will state a few facts Fact: 1. FSIL and I have never gotten along... 2. FSIL is a busybody and meddles in everyones lives, i.e. she said this to me in an email, "I don't care that you deleted me as a friend on facebook, I have 1,026 other friends I can follow." 3. FMIL is also a busybody 4. my FI and I have removed all his family from our friends on facebook. 5. FSIL was only in my wedding to please FMIL, because she was paying for the RD... 6. FI and I postponed the wedding because we had gotten to the point of stress where we felt we didnt want to marry each other anymore, we hated to be around each other...pretty much we worked all the time so we wouldnt have to deal with each other. 7. FMIL said that since she was paying for the ceremony flowers, SHE was going to pick them out...NOW SOMEONE TELL ME IF I AM BEING SELFISH, but I said hell no thats not how it works... 8. 3 weeks ago WE told his family to F-OFF, and we have been sooooo happy ever since. now my issues are with FSIL...I know it isn't the right thing to do to "kick" someone out of your wedding party after you have asked them, but I did. I told her I never wanted her in my wedding, that I did it to please FMIL and that was it. I said that I didn't want her in my wedding or ANYWHERE near my wedding on my wedding day. My FI thinks I'm overracting but supports me in my decision, because he doesnt like his sister either. There are just certain things that she said she "had to know" about our lives...which just proves that she is trying to medel in them... Am I right to have done this???
Posted by apfoster05[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I think you did more bad than good. Kicking her out, even if you both dislike her, only makes you look bad to the family. Unless your FI plans on cutting off his entire family for the rest of your lives, you're going to have to see these people and FSIL will probably hold a grudge.

</div>

mbcdefg

I agree with Brooke. You have to deal with his family (soon to be YOUR family) for the rest of your lives, and Facebook-dumping them and kicking them out of your wedding probably didn't help matters. A wedding is one day, a marriage is a lifetime. Unless you are totally cutting yourselves off from them. In which case, you had nothing to lose by telling them off.

However, unless there's a backstory here, I hardly think that being busybodies and wanting to pick out your wedding flowers justifies this kind of reaction from you and your FI. If you want me to be 100% honest, all of this sounds incredibly childish, and just from what you've written here I think you're focusing WAY too much on your wedding day as opposed to dealing with these people for the rest of your life.

It sounds like you're mainly just annoyed with them nosing into your wedding plans ... is there more to it than that? Are they really unkind people to you, or unsupportive of your marriage? Or are you just irritated with FSIL being in the wedding and FMIL wanting to pick out your flowers? If it's the former, then do what you gotta do. If it's the latter, then I think you made a very big mistake.

But, whatever, too late now. Hopefully this won't cause more family drama between all of you. Best of luck to you.

apfoster05

There is way more to this story than one post could handle...they are horrible people to me, they treat me and my FI terrible and they have treated him this way his whole life. They have never said congradualtions on being engaged. The only thing they said was, "Hopefully its not too soon, because unlike Amanda's family, we arent made of money and would have to save up for it."

I never asked them to pay for anything, in fact...FI and I are paying for this entire wedding BY OURSELVES because they have bitched and complained about everything in it. 

FSIL has been this way to me before I ever dated her brother...We've known each other for 15 years...shes a fat hag who is dating someone 2 decades older than her and she will never get married...shes pissed because we are happy, have nice cars, a beautiful house, wonderful friends, and travel all the time!! [insert emails and comments that she has made about my having money here]...

I am sick to death of listening to all of their negitivity. My wedding day was turning into what everyone else wanted not what I wanted...

and no we arent cutting ourselves off from them, you could say we already are, but we just arent close to them...We live about 15 mins from his family and mine and we see or talk to his family ONCE A MONTH and we see and talk to my family almost everyday...I've tried to make us be close with his family but now I know why my FI never wanted to be, NOW I can see why he doesnt ever talk to or see them!!

bablingbrooke

They don't sound like nice people.  I totally understand that.  But what you've done is sunk to their level and given them more reason to dislike you.  That's the problem--now they have something to fixate on and hold a grudge over.  I totally get why you would want to just boot them out, but what you've done is given them ammunition.

I'd make sure I really wanted to be a part of this family before moving forward.  Like it or not, they will always be in your life in some capacity.  Make sure that's what you want in your future.

apfoster05

So brooke are you saying that i need to fall in love with someone's family instead of someone before I get married?

I want to be with my FI and marry him and love him and have a FAMILY with him...that is what happens when you get married, you start you're own FAMILY!

I understand that once you marry a person, you marry their family too, but he isnt close to his family, so I am happy with him and OUR family.

Like i said since we told them to F-off and stop trying to medal in our lives and tell us how to live it, things have been wonderful!! We couldn't be happier...

bablingbrooke

All I'm saying is that it's a tall order for someone to cut off contact with their family (completely absent physical abuse, drug addiction, or other dealbreakers for being family), so just because he's okay with not speaking to them now doesn't mean he always will be.  I know many people who have reconciled with family after spending sometimes years out of contact.  So you need to be okay with the idea of these people being in your life.  You don't have to love them by any means, but you do have to tolerate them and be civil with them.  If that's really not possible, that's really something to consider before tying the knot.

mbcdefg

I still think you handled this wrong. I agree with Brooke, again, when she said that now you've given them a reason to dislike you or be nasty to you. I think a better decision would've been to take the high road and be polite to them whenever you're forced to spend time with them, and ignore them whenever you could help it.

But, you have to live with it. Not us. If you and FI are happy with this decision, then it's your problem (or solution) to deal with.

I don't know why you posted this here and asked for opinions, if you're just going to argue with people when they do give you their opinion. Were you looking for "validation" instead?

apfoster05

I'm not arguing...you asked for more info so i gave it to you...

i just wanted to make sure what brooke was saying about marrying the family or whatever...

I asked because all my friends and family have told me i did the right thing and I actually wanted someone to tell me that it wasnt the right thing to to do

so thank you ladies!

stina93446

It's hard. You've given them "ammo" like brooke said. These people are going to be a part of your life forever....even your kids' lives. They are never going to go away. Even if you told them to F off, they will still be there. So just telling them that you hate them only makes them more mad. I don't know how to help your situation unfortunately because the damage has already been done. 

CTGirl30

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_ffil-issueskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:54260806-77f1-457b-90af-3bbf9db4a6a8Post:a9a0319a-2a7c-494a-925c-801b2fab124c">Re: FFIL issues....kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not arguing...you asked for more info so i gave it to you... i just wanted to make sure what brooke was saying about marrying the family or whatever... I asked because all my friends and family have told me i did the right thing and I actually wanted someone to tell me that it wasnt the right thing to to do so thank you ladies! :)
Posted by apfoster05[/QUOTE]

I'm confused - you wanted people to tell you this wasn't the right thing to do to kick FSIL out of the WP yet you've reiterated how happy you and your FI are that you've basically told his family you want nothing to do with them?

So you wanted validation that it was wrong to do but are also telling us how glad you are that you've separated from his family?

suz62984

Well you've already kicked her out now so I don't think our opinions on whether you should or shouldn't have done it matter. I would like to say that in order to control more of your wedding, which is what you seem to want, you should use the extra year of planning to save money to pay for things your way. Ex. The flowers. No it isn't customary for the FMIL to pick the flowers; however if it is her money I don't see why she couldn't control that.

My suggestion: pay for it yourself becuase their money seems to have strings attached. Consider eloping!

banana468

I have to echo PPs here.

When it comes to matters with the ILs my advice is to take your cue from your SO.  If he's saying he supports you but doesn't agree with you, I think that's a large sign that perhaps keeping FSIL in the wedding would do more for your relationship.

Don't get me wrong.  I totally agree that she's not looking great either.  BUT it's important not to sink to the level of people who look to degrade, manipulate or hurt you.

Instead, talk to your FI to see what he'd like to do.  I still do this now with DH as we deal with some issues that are ongoing with MIL.  I decide what to do based on our discussion and what he'd prefer.  That doesn't mean that hub is boss - instead it means that we've got a plan an agreement in place BEFORE these things come up.