BM 'Duties'

mrabbito

ok ok....I have lurked around enough to know that BM's only duties are to get the dress and show up.  Understood.

However, I have to wonder if these 'rules' vary from region to region, or culture to culture?  The reason I ask, is b/c in the 5 weddings I have been a BM in, it was always assumed that we (as a group) host the shower and bach-party.  No bride every told us it was expected, we just knew as a group that was what we were going to do.  Obviously any OOT BM's were a different story, but as for the in towners we all went about planning a date, location, theme, budget as a group.  There has never been drama (thank god) and it honestly just seems to be a common understanding.  Actually, I have never attended a shower where just the MOH hosts and the other BM's are guests.  I don't want this to get inflammatory or out of hand, and I am NOT saying this with my 'bride' hat on, but as a 5 time BM.  I'm just curious, what has your BM planning/participation experience been?  

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:90587cbc-bc0e-44f4-99c1-dcf6b7a61b42">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to BM 'Duties' : You're right...they only have to show up. BUT BUT BUT....bms CAN throw showers and b parties. The bms have to offer it though. I've always thought that bms had to throw these parties and therefore, when I was a bm, I threw these parties. However, if you CAN'T, or you can't attend, or you can't afford, the bride can't get huffy. Mainly, the answer to the question you're asking is this.... The bride should never expect to get these parties. She should always be gracious if she gets one. The bms should never feel like these parties are required or that they HAVE to host. 
Posted by stina93446[/QUOTE]

<div>This has been my experience as well: most of the time some or all of the BMs get together to throw the shower/b-party.  I've never been in a wedding where they were all involved for both, though.  And it's always been understood that they did so because they WANTED to, not because it was a duty.  </div>

filaw

I've never been a BM, but all of my BM's assumed that they would be throwing a b-party and a shower together.  They also assumed that I assumed that too, which to be honest, I did. (Hadn't lurked on the boards at that point, and anything else simply didn't occur to me)

I know if I ever am a BM for them, they will assume I will do the same, and I will, happily.

Several of them have been BM's before, and this is exactly what was assumed those times too, which is why it was what we all assumed for mine.

I'm really sick of the word assumed.

Edit:  Apparently I really can't type today.  I keep skipping words.

banana468

As a BM, I have wanted to help in ways that I could too.

The big thing though is that those aspects weren't expected of me.

The best way I can compare it is to the way you act with your spouse on couple-y days like Valentine's Day.  Is it great if he sends you flowers or chocolates and takes you out for a romantic dinner?  Of course.  Is he still a wonderful husband if he doesn't do those things?  More than likely he is.

And if you tell him, "Valentine's Day is coming up.  I like red roses, Godiva Chocolates and Craft Steak," doesn't that take away from anything that would have come from your hubby's heart?

In the same way, your BMs do those things because they want to.  If you have to tell them, the gift is lost.

mbcdefg

It's a Catch-22 ...

As a bridesmaid, I would do everything in my power to throw (or at least attend) the shower and bachelorette, and make an effort to help the bride with some planning or at least ask her how things were going. It might hinder my efforts if I was broke, lived far away, had job or family issues to worry about, etc. And if I thought the bride was being a real biitch, I probably wouldn't be jumping up and down to help or support her all that much.

However, as a bride, I wouldn't ever use the excuse, "You're my bridesmaid so you should be doing XYZ for me" if someone wasn't doing these things. I admit that I might be hurt on a FRIEND level if my bridesmaids didn't come to the shower/bachelorette, but it'd be more like, "I thought we were friends ... you didn't want to come and hang out with me?" versus, "Well, you're a bridesmaid and that's your job."

It seems like a lot of hurt feelings come up when a bride picks someone to be her BM that she's not all that fond of (maybe the groom's sister, or a friend that she's not that close to anymore, or a friend who was always flakey) and then gets pissed when the person doesn't suddenly become her best buddy. If a bride supposedly hates her FSIL so much, why does she get her panties in such a twist when the FSIL doesn't show up for the bachelorette, or when she DOES show up but spends the whole night pouting in a corner?

mrabbito

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:239972fa-1886-48c1-b209-0498a3a0ef2a">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]As a BM, I have wanted to help in ways that I could too. The big thing though is that those aspects weren't expected of me. The best way I can compare it is to the way you act with your spouse on couple-y days like Valentine's Day.  Is it great if he sends you flowers or chocolates and takes you out for a romantic dinner?  Of course.  Is he still a wonderful husband if he doesn't do those things?  More than likely he is. And if you tell him, "Valentine's Day is coming up.  I like red roses, Godiva Chocolates and Craft Steak," doesn't that take away from anything that would have come from your hubby's heart? In the same way, your BMs do those things because they want to.  If you have to tell them, the gift is lost.
Posted by banana468[/QUOTE]

Agreed.  Although I said my BM career was relatively drama free, there was a bride who insisted on decorating the shower venue herself so it would match the decor of the reception hall.  that felt a little insulting, like what we were doing wasn't good enough..... some brides have their moments, but we love them still the same!

aerinpegadrak

A lot of the stuff that gets passed off as "duties" is just tradition, and I'd say a good 80-90% of women will be more than happy to do all the stuff that's traditionally expected of them.  The problem is that brides flip the hell out when the other 10-20% don't want to play along for whatever reason, and it just creates needless drama.

I've found, both in personal experience and in what I've seen here, that brides who ask more of their friends receive less, and vice versa.  People are much more inclined to help when it's their idea.

bablingbrooke

There's a big difference between the BMs getting together of their own volition to throw a party and the bride telling them they must do it.  

mbcdefg

I've also found that in most posts here, friends/BMs who don't attend parties or help out usually fall into two categories:

1. The BM has something important going on in her life (family, job, money, health, distance, school, relationship with her significant other), and the bride just can't accept the fact that the BM can't put her life on hold to attend to the bride's every whim.

2. The BM was just not that generous of a person in the first place, and the bride was hoping she'd do a Personality 180 and suddenly become an awesome, giving friend.

Of course, there's also the cases where the BM was a good friend to start with, but the bride just acted like a total assh0le and alienated everyone who ever cared about her, but since nobody ever fesses up to this then we can only assume that this happened.

I mean, very, VERY rarely does it seem to be a case of the BM being a cool friend to start with and then suddenly, for no reason (other than maybe jealousy of the bride's Perfect Relationship And Perfect Wedding), becomes a jerk. Which is what most brides who complain here seem to think is the case.

I hate the, "She's just jealous of me" excuses. Ever stop to think that you might just be, you know, a biitch?

RavenBeautie

I had always been in my experience that the BM's plan the shower and b-party. The bride shouldn't be telling them what to do, tho. The shower is their party to plan, not hers.

TheCranberry

In my circle it's always assumed that the BM's will plan the showers and b-party and sometimes help out with things for the wedding (dress shopping, venue shopping, etc).  The only drama that has come up is when the bride (or sometimes another BM) insists on having the shower or the b-party somewhere that is too expensive for the other BM's to afford. 

I do have to wonder though why someone would be a BM if all they were going to do is wear the dress and show up for the day of the wedding.  If you're close enough to be the BM, you're probably (hopefully) someone who has taken an interest in the bride's life at some point.

Reading some of these posts make me laugh sometimes.  Some brides seem to expect everyone to drop everything and do their bidding just because they are getting married.  While a wedding day is a special occaision, you don't  make the same demands of your friends for other special oocaisions like babies, moving, new job, etc.  Can you imagine a new mother demanding that her friends go to lamaze class with her or that her friends babysit so she can go out with hubby for the night?  Why are weddings any different?

samscsi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:6f0cb73a-6b55-4fa5-8ec2-219d2052a806">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE] I do have to wonder though why someone would be a BM if all they were going to do is wear the dress and show up for the day of the wedding.  If you're close enough to be the BM, you're probably (hopefully) someone who has taken an interest in the bride's life at some point. Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

I think on one hand your right, but I'll admit I've been a bridesmaid four times and only helped with one shower.  This isn't necessarily because I don't care, though.  I've always lived at least fifteen hours away from any bride whose wedding I've been in.  Sometimes the only thing I can do is show up on the day in the dress.  I've tried to help, and I always offer to do what I can, but no one ever takes me up on my offers because of the distance and I always end up feeling really bad about my non-involvement.  Even the one shower I "helped" with all I did was help set up before hand and pay for the food.  All the planning was done by someone else.  I'm a bad bridesmaid :(

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:6f0cb73a-6b55-4fa5-8ec2-219d2052a806">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE] I do have to wonder though why someone would be a BM if all they were going to do is wear the dress and show up for the day of the wedding.  If you're close enough to be the BM, you're probably (hopefully) someone who has taken an interest in the bride's life at some point. 
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]
Sometimes life changes make it impossible to do anything else.  People have been known to get laid off, start a grad program, have a baby, or move to Tampa during someone else's engagement.  Sometimes the bride is so mean and entitled the BMs decided not to do the fun stuff after all because they feel so unhappy.  <div>
</div><div>Yes, if BMs CAN do showers or other parties, they should.  But it's unfair to say that people should just say no if they can't do it.  </div><div>
</div><div>I've also noticed a lot on this board that it isn't that the BM doesn't care about the bride's life, she just has her own shiit going on and isn't going to sit through a weekly discussion of flowers or colors for a party that's nearly a year away.  The bride has to be realistic; most people don't get interested in wedding stuff until 3-6 months out.  Beyond that it's just abstract.  The bride also needs to remember that there is much much more going on in her life other than the wedding, and not become a single-issue friend.</div>

megandjay

For the 3 weddings I was a BM in, I never planned or hosted a bridal shower. It was always a family member (aunt or cousin) of the bride. We did help with setting up and doing games and opening gifts, so we participated in running the shower. But I never paid a dime for them.

I did participate in planning and paying for bach-parties, but it included all the friends, not just the BMs.

If I was a BM and the bride didn't have a family member offering to throw the shower, I think I would talk to the other BMs and try to throw something though.

mrabbito

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:6f0cb73a-6b55-4fa5-8ec2-219d2052a806">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In my circle it's always assumed that the BM's will plan the showers and b-party and sometimes help out with things for the wedding (dress shopping, venue shopping, etc).  The only drama that has come up is when the bride (or sometimes another BM) insists on having the shower or the b-party somewhere that is too expensive for the other BM's to afford. <strong> I do have to wonder though why someone would be a BM if all they were going to do is wear the dress and show up for the day of the wedding.  If you're close enough to be the BM, you're probably (hopefully) someone who has taken an interest in the bride's life at some point. </strong>Reading some of these posts make me laugh sometimes.  Some brides seem to expect everyone to drop everything and do their bidding just because they are getting married.  While a wedding day is a special occaision, you don't  make the same demands of your friends for other special oocaisions like babies, moving, new job, etc.  Can you imagine a new mother demanding that her friends go to lamaze class with her or that her friends babysit so she can go out with hubby for the night?  Why are weddings any different?
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]

right, I guess this is where I the difference is; i've never been in a wedding where I didn't like/know/get along with the bride!  What I would expect from my BM's is what I would expect from a friend.  I wouldn't expect a friend to say she can't come to my bday party b/c she's washing her hair, and I wouldn't expect a BM to skip out on anything with the same excuse!! 

I guess i just never considered having someone in the WP who was not a great friend, but it sounds like that happens quite often!

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:53550b3b-56c8-477a-9920-5652fcec8034">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM 'Duties' : Sometimes life changes make it impossible to do anything else.  People have been known to get laid off, start a grad program, have a baby, or move to Tampa during someone else's engagement.  Sometimes the bride is so mean and entitled the BMs decided not to do the fun stuff after all because they feel so unhappy.   Yes, if BMs CAN do showers or other parties, they should.  But it's unfair to say that people should just say no if they can't do it.   I've also noticed a lot on this board that it isn't that the BM doesn't care about the bride's life, she just has her own shiit going on and isn't going to sit through a weekly discussion of flowers or colors for a party that's nearly a year away.  The bride has to be realistic; most people don't get interested in wedding stuff until 3-6 months out.  Beyond that it's just abstract.  The bride also needs to remember that there is much much more going on in her life other than the wedding, and not become a single-issue friend.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

I totally didn't mean that as a BM you MUST plan a shower or b-party or that the BM's life concerns should be put to the side to plan the wedding.  I just assume that if a BM is a close friend, she'd care enough to ask inquire about the process or help out with something small (even looking at venues via email or something) at least.  I also think the BM's should make an effort to be at the pre-wedding parties to the extent it's reasonable for her.

I definitely agree though that sometimes the brides on here go overboard with what they expect of the BM's. 

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:233823db-a82d-4bc3-a15d-942279fe5747">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM 'Duties' : I totally didn't mean that as a BM you MUST plan a shower or b-party or that the BM's life concerns should be put to the side to plan the wedding.  I just assume that if a BM is a close friend, she'd care enough to ask inquire about the process or help out with something small (even looking at venues via email or something) at least.  I also think the BM's should make an effort to be at the pre-wedding parties to the extent it's reasonable for her. I definitely agree though that sometimes the brides on here go overboard with what they expect of the BM's. 
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]
You're approaching this from the movies-and-TV-bride-and-BMs-all-live-in-the-same-town mentality.  I also think you think that the relationship changes because of the wedding.  It very much does not.<div>
</div><div>I'm in a wedding next year.  The bride is one of my best friends and she was one of my BMs.  We live 500 miles apart in different states (when I was engaged, it was 3,000 miles apart).  I never asked her to look at a venue with me, and I've never been to any venues with her.  She's bounced some ideas off another BM in her WP because they're getting married a month apart, in the same city, and are having very similar weddings.  But she lives 500 miles from that city, too, so they've just chatted.  I don't think it's my job to help her plan things like that.  I didn't think it was her job when I was engaged.  I'm a full time grad student, she's a full time grad student, we have other things going on in life.  <div>
</div><div>She sometimes emails me things she wants my opinion on and I'll give my opinion.  But I'd say for every one of those emails, there are 10 more where we talk about our upcoming GTG with some college friends in Vegas, or my post-graduation job search, or the bar exam, or her parents' crazy adventures.  I think when it's a mix like that, it's totally fair.  But our relationship hasn't changed since either one of us got engaged or married, and I think that's key.  I still see us as friends, not members of each other's WPs.</div></div>

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:a78db75a-c1d6-48c8-b673-321fcf7f0471">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM 'Duties' : You're approaching this from the movies-and-TV-bride-and-BMs-all-live-in-the-same-town mentality.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]
Not to mention the pre-parties-must-happen-by-law mentality.  I didn't get a shower or bachelorette party.  (Well, SMIL offered to plan me a b-party, but it was going to be of the booze and banana hammocks at home variety, so I didn't follow up with her on it.)  Yeah, it was a bit disappointing, but whatever.  It wasn't because my friends didn't love me, it was because getting everyone into the same place a second time, instead of just for the wedding, was simply not going to happen.  That's reality, and I accepted it and moved on rather than coming on here bitching that my friends didn't love me enough to want to shell out for a second set of airline tickets to buy me presents and drinks.

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:a78db75a-c1d6-48c8-b673-321fcf7f0471">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM 'Duties' : You're approaching this from the movies-and-TV-bride-and-BMs-all-live-in-the-same-town mentality.  I also think you think that the relationship changes because of the wedding.  It very much does not.  [/QUOTE]

I guess I have been lucky with the weddings that I've been in and with my BM's in that I've had the "movies-and-TV-bride-and-BMs" experiences.  It must have been a different thread, but I explicitly said that the relationship doesn't change because of the wedding.<span>  </span>If friends don't offer to help out with everyday life type of things, I don't understand why someone would be surprised that they're not helping with wedding stuff.<span>  </span>However, if your friend is all about helping you choose the perfect first date outfit, I can see where it would be surprising if she's giving you the cold shoulder about wedding dress shopping. <p class="MsoNormal">It's funny that when I said "I just assume that if a BM is a close friend, she'd care enough to ask inquire about the process or help out with something small (even looking at venues via email or something) at least" this somehow turned into my thinking that a BM should be engrossed with invitation fonts or scouting venues.<span>  </span>I have sent a friend a link of a wedding venue and asked her opinion.<span>  </span>She looked at it and told me what she thought. It wasn't a big deal.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I also don't have a " pre-parties-must-happen-by-law mentality".<span>  </span>I said that "the BM's should make an effort to be at the pre-wedding parties to the extent it's reasonable for her".<span>  </span>Clearly if she's far away or she has to work or the babysitter cancels, etc, it would be unreasonable for her to come to the party.<span>  </span>I do think that the BM should make more of an effort to be at the parties since I assume people choose their closest friends as BMs.</p> <p class="MsoNormal">I don't know where the disconnect is coming from, but some posters seem to be misunderstanding me.<span>  </span>Maybe not, in which case we will just have to agree to disagree.<span>  </span>One thing I've learned is that I need to give my friends extra special thanks since they seem to go above and beyond what I should expect.</p>

bablingbrooke

We have some dear friends who moved there last year and absolutely love it.  Good luck!

aerinpegadrak

Awesome!  Said BM has been trying to sell me on it for about two years now.  Another friend (the one who got me my current job, actually) moved out there last year and says that she has no regrets, so it's very reassuring to hear that so many people like it out there.  Of course, you really can't fight the main appeal of getting 2-3x the space for what we're currently paying or less, but it's nice to know that there are other things to look forward to. 

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:0b9c6265-56d1-4e50-9e46-98749fc6dc65">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]The way it comes across, you make it sound like being a good friend means being interested in the details of wedding planning.  The two aren't really related.  I love my BFF, I could care less what her first dance song is going to be.  I care that she's getting married, I just don't care about the minutiae of her wedding, just like she didn't care about the minutiae of mine.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

<p class="MsoNormal">Clearly you are not reading what I am writing.  I don't think being a good friend means specifically being interested in the minutiae of the wedding.  I think being a good friend means being interested in the fact that you're having a wedding.  Why is so hard to get that a friend can say "how's the wedding planning coming?  did you pick a venue yet?" without it leading to a conversation about whether you're doing white or ecru invitations or pink or light pink flowers?

Aerin, I guess you would be fine if you moved across the country and none of your friends ever asked you "how was the move" or "how's your new place".<span>  </span>Notice how bablingbrooke asked you "where are you moving", you told her about your move and lease, and then she wished you good luck?<span>  </span>That's what I would expect a friend to do for a wedding or a cross country move or a new job: How's the new job?<span>  </span>Are you all unpacked? <span>  </span>The fact that you and bablingbrooke keep reading more into my posts (ie: that friends must select tablecloths and invitation fonts) is frustrating.<span>  </span>If you guys can't understand the point I'm making, then I guess I will just move on.</p><p class="MsoNormal">Also, my friends and I do not have personal space issues.  We like to hang out with each other, which somtimes include going shopping.  Wow, we are so weird.</p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p><p class="MsoNormal"> </p>

TheCranberry

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:dcb08a17-8575-4a8e-ab2e-ae80f302566b">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM 'Duties' : I'm going to tell you what I tell my writing students: If you have to tell me what you meant to say in your writing, you didn't write it very well, and you need to write more clearly.  If more than one person is misunderstanding you, it's probably not a conspiracy--you probably just didn't write very clearly.   Of course it's possible to ask, "How's planning going?" but the sad fact is, many brides won't just say, "Fine."  Many will launch into a long monologue.  And I still don't think it's being a bad friend to not ask about the planning details when you're very, very far from the wedding.  Ideally the bride has a life of her own and it doesn't revolve around the wedding and she can talk with her BMs about other things.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Actually if you read my PP you'll see that I was purposely general in my descriptions of what a good BM/friend would do.  You ascribed specific examples to me that were not in what I wrote.  Perhaps you are making assumptions based on your experiences, perhaps you are willfully misunderstanding me.

bablingbrooke

Yep, you're on to me.  I have nothing better to do with my Friday than to sit here and willfully misunderstand what you're writing.  It's eminently inconceivable that while YOU believe what you wrote was clear (like many of my writing students), it actually wasn't written the way you intended.  

PeonyPrincesskdd

I live in NJ and it's very expensive here so the mothers just knew that it would be a lot financially for a bunch of young women to host a bridal shower so the mothers took it upon themselves to plan it. 

That is becoming more common where I live.  Also a shower does need a theme. 

The mother usually wants the best for her daughter and considering none of the bridesmaids had their own place, they would have to rent a hall or a restaurant seperate room etc.. whatever it may be, the mothers just knew it would be a lot for a bunch of 20 something year old women to host a shower.

Also, it doesn't matter that you never been to a wedding where that was done.  Anyone can throw a shower.  I guess you have been in weddings where the MOH and BM's threw the shower probably because they did it based on tradition, not region.  It's just an old tradition that the MOH threw the shower and the BM's helped with decorations, cake, food etc.

It really has nothing to do with region.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:a66e4b2c-2b52-4aee-be76-8bd03abe4ad1">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]I live in NJ and it's very expensive here so the mothers just knew that it would be a lot financially for a bunch of young women to host a bridal shower so the mothers took it upon themselves to plan it.  That is becoming more common where I live.  <strong>Also a shower does need a theme.</strong>  The mother usually wants the best for her daughter and considering none of the bridesmaids had their own place,<strong> they would have to rent a hall or a restaurant seperate room etc.</strong>. whatever it may be, the mothers just knew it would be a lot for a bunch of 20 something year old women to host a shower. Also, it doesn't matter that you never been to a wedding where that was done.  Anyone can throw a shower.  I guess you have been in weddings where the MOH and BM's threw the shower probably because they did it based on tradition, not region.  It's just an old tradition that the MOH threw the shower and the BM's helped with decorations, cake, food etc. It really has nothing to do with region.
Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

Wow.  A shower NEEDS a theme?  I guess my DD's and DIL's showers weren't real then, because they didn't have "themes". 

And my DD's shower was in our backyard.  My nephew's bride's shower was at her mom's house.  My niece's shower was at a good friend's house.  They were all lovely.

peony:  don't make blanket generalizations.  You're right that showers don't have to be, given solely by the WP, but some of your statements are far too general here.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-duties?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:551ac32f-fd8d-45b5-9a0e-6b70f4f82a0bPost:3b9c606d-78f5-45f4-aa5a-d40a3df06f15">Re: BM 'Duties'</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: BM 'Duties' : Aerin, I guess you would be fine if you moved across the country and none of your friends ever asked you "how was the move" or "how's your new place".   Notice how bablingbrooke asked you "where are you moving", you told her about your move and lease, and then she wished you good luck?   That's what I would expect a friend to do for a wedding or a cross country move or a new job: How's the new job?   Are you all unpacked?    The fact that you and bablingbrooke keep reading more into my posts (ie: that friends must select tablecloths and invitation fonts) is frustrating.   If you guys can't understand the point I'm making, then I guess I will just move on. Also, my friends and I do not have personal space issues.  We like to hang out with each other, which somtimes include going shopping.  Wow, we are so weird.    
Posted by TheCranberry[/QUOTE]
Yes, but to continue the metaphor, I don't consider any friends who haven't made polite inquiries as Brooke did to be bad friends.  They might not want to hear all the boring details, they might have personal reasons for not wanting to talk about it (maybe they're stuck in a house they can't sell, or had a really bad experience with moving and don't want to relive it), they might not think there's really anything to talk about since it's still a while away.

And it's the same with a wedding: a bridesmaid who doesn't show an interest for whatever reason isn't necessarily a bad friend.  Yes, it's nice for your friends to show an interest in your life, but I really hope that a bride has more happening in her life than just planning a party for the entire length of the engagement!  Bottom line, I simply am not going to judge my friendships on how much they're willing to do for me and focus the conversation on my stuff.  If you are, then I guess we're just going to have to disagree.

As far as the clothes thing, shopping is fine.  But you made it sound like you and your friends regularly go to each other's houses and help each other choose outfits from your existing wardrobes, which is weird.  If that's not what you meant, then perhaps you should take Brooke's advice about the clarity of your writing to heart.