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Re: sil

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-word-against-including-your-fsil-from-a-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:55a95963-24ed-4d9e-9722-4a8507a732b9Post:6ad3a01a-99eb-4cd4-bf34-d984508f8501">A word against including your FSIL... from a FSIL.</a>:
    [QUOTE]So my brother's getting married in three weeks, and I was the sister-in-law who was asked to be in the wedding party out of obligation.  My brother's FI only has sisters, it's just my brother and me, her mom would have had a heart attack if they'd done mixed sides, and my mother would have had a heart attack if they'd left me out.  So a bridesmaid I was made, along with FSIL's three sisters and two college best friends. Please, brides, do not do this to your FSIL.  I got dragged to watch her try on wedding dresses last year and wasn't all that excited (I don't know her that well and don't like shopping) but since the rest of the wedding party was going, I felt like I had to go.  I would have been happier if she'd just picked a dress and told me what to wear, but she insisted on taking me shopping - I tried to back out as nicely as I could and let her pick something with her other maids, but she really would not back down on it.  She wanted that Say Yes to the Dress experience both for herself and for us, and I just didn't want to do it, but I sucked it up and dealt with weekend after weekend at the bridal salon when I just. didn't. care what I wore. At the same time, I felt totally out of the loop with her sisters and friends.  I was the only one in the bridal party who didn't know anybody and it was so awkward.  I wasn't looped into shower plans until a week beforehand when I guess one of her sisters went, "wait, isn't his sister in this?"  It was hurtful to not be part of the planning, especially when for one of the games they did a quiz about the groom.  HELLO - I've known him his whole life, I might have been able to help provide some obscure questions for that!   I feel so isolated and left out, and I didn't get a plus one to the wedding - I get it  I don't have a SO and weddings are expensive and I'll have plenty of people to hang out with since it's my brother's wedding and I'll have lots of family there.  But all the other bridesmaids are somehow attached, and I feel strange and singled out.  I'd much rather be a guest so I can blend in with my family and not have it be highlighted that I'm the lame older sister of the groom who can't get a date, but I want to keep the peace with FSIL since I want to be able to see any future nieces or nephews.... So long story short: brides, unless you are super close to your FSIL, don't include her.  It might lead to more hurt feelings than if you do.  I read a lot of advice here about erring on the side of caution and including her, but just don't do it.
    Posted by BlondeProject[/QUOTE]

    You know you could have always declined, right?  Your mother wanting you in the WP is not the reason a grown woman uses for accepting the offer to be a BM. You could have also declined the dress shopping and all of the parties.  You weren't obligated to go to any of them.  There was also nothing stopping you from contacting the others and asking "what are we planning?"  I can also promise you that the topic of conversation at the reception was not the "lame older sister of the groom who could not get a date" and I sincerely doubt that you would never see nieces and nephews over declining to be a BM. 

    As someone who was the only sibling left out of her brother's wedding, I can tell you that years later it still hurts that I was excluded.  This has nothing to do with imagined whispers amongst the guests or being left out of planning and preparty things.  It has to do with feeling like I didn't mean enough to him to be included.

    See the difference? 
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • :-( 

    I'm sorry you're not enjoying this experience. I hope you can manage to endure the rest with a smile. Don't feel obligated to participate in every pre-wedding activity. 

    You're way more patient and better at keeping the peace than I would be.
    I didn't include my FSsil or my own sisters for that matter. Unspoken obligation or not.

    Brides-listen to her.
    All ladies- You do not have to accept the role of BM if you don't want it. No is an acceptable answer.
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  • GoodLuckBear14 - I did not want to upset her by saying no to being a bridesmaid and cause parent drama that my brother would then have to field.  Had I known that I basically would have been dragged all over creation to dress shop and left out of any of the meaningful stuff like shower planning I definitely would never have said yes to being a bridesmaid.  I dont feel honored to be included, I feel like they had no other choice and so put me in this role.   Again, I didn't want to cause problems by not going shopping with everyone so I went along... but apparently all of this is my own fault.  Answers like that are why I deleted this and hoped no one saw it.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-word-against-including-your-fsil-from-a-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55a95963-24ed-4d9e-9722-4a8507a732b9Post:b650fab0-d567-4df1-a39a-498e528f6c28">Re: .</a>:
    [QUOTE]GoodLuckBear14 - I did not want to upset her by saying no to being a bridesmaid and cause parent drama that my brother would then have to field.  Had I known that I basically would have been dragged all over creation to dress shop and left out of any of the meaningful stuff like shower planning I definitely would never have said yes to being a bridesmaid.  I dont feel honored to be included, I feel like they had no other choice and so put me in this role.   Again, I didn't want to cause problems by not going shopping with everyone so I went along... but apparently all of this is my own fault.  Answers like that are why I deleted this and hoped no one saw it.
    Posted by BlondeProject[/QUOTE]
    Honest answers showing an alternate experience are the reason you deleted your post?  That makes no sense.

    Also, if you were hoping that no one saw your post, you screwed the pooch by changing your thread title to .  You're going to get 3 times as many viewers from that alone.



  • No.  Rude people telling me all of this is my own fault is why I deleted.  I had forgotten how nasty you can all be when someone is just trying to offer a perspective.  No one is ever right but you.

    You can all continue to throw me to the wolves now and talk about how awful a person I am for trying to get along with my SIL, but I am not going to stay for it.
  • ViczaesarViczaesar Central Coast, CA member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-word-against-including-your-fsil-from-a-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55a95963-24ed-4d9e-9722-4a8507a732b9Post:57472c0c-b3a1-4450-97f8-1eee5c53d246">Re: .</a>:
    [QUOTE]No.  Rude people telling me all of this is my own fault is why I deleted.  I had forgotten how nasty you can all be when someone is just trying to offer a perspective.  No one is ever right but you. You can all continue to throw me to the wolves now and talk about how awful a person I am for trying to get along with my SIL, but I am not going to stay for it.
    Posted by BlondeProject[/QUOTE]
    You're the one throwing a fit because someone disagrees with you, but you say "No one is ever right but you" about US?  Head-scratcher, that. 



  • edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-word-against-including-your-fsil-from-a-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:55a95963-24ed-4d9e-9722-4a8507a732b9Post:57472c0c-b3a1-4450-97f8-1eee5c53d246">Re: .</a>:
    [QUOTE]No.  Rude people telling me all of this is my own fault is why I deleted.  I had forgotten how nasty you can all be when someone is just trying to offer a perspective.  No one is ever right but you. You can all continue to throw me to the wolves now and talk about how awful a person I am for trying to get along with my SIL, but I am not going to stay for it.
    Posted by BlondeProject[/QUOTE]

    Actually, you deleted before my response even posted - I saw that as soon as I hit "submit" and there was only a blank post above mine.  You didn't do it in response to anything.

    And you actually did have my sympathy until you threw in that little gem about being the older sister of the groom who couldn't get a date.  You just strike me as someone who cannot take ownership of her own actions and thinks the world's attention is unfairly on her (or has a really bad inferiority complex about her little brother getting married first).  I'm not saying that your SIL and her sisters couldn't have been more thoughtful but you need to accept that there is a lot you could have done to make the situation better also.
    Proud to be an old married hag!! image
  • aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
    10000 Comments 5 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited August 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-word-against-including-your-fsil-from-a-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55a95963-24ed-4d9e-9722-4a8507a732b9Post:57472c0c-b3a1-4450-97f8-1eee5c53d246">Re: .</a>:
    [QUOTE]No.  Rude people telling me all of this is my own fault is why I deleted.  I had forgotten how nasty you can all be when someone is just trying to offer a perspective.  No one is ever right but you. You can all continue to throw me to the wolves now and talk about how awful a person I am for trying to get along with my SIL, but I am not going to stay for it.
    Posted by BlondeProject[/QUOTE]
    Rude people?  There was only one response that mildly disagreed with you, and you had already deleted by the time it was posted.  Either you're hallucinating responses no one else can see, or you're projecting some serious bitterness and guilt about your own issues.  But I think you win the award for Biggest Unprompted Meltdown.<div>
    </div><div>ETA: Oh, you just joined today, and only have the three posts here.  So tell me, under what other screenname did you have people tell you that *gasp* maybe you aren't perfect?</div>
    This is a neglected planning bio.
    This is a belated married bio, with no reviews yet because I'm lazy.

    image
    Sometimes I feel like people think that brides are delicate little flower princesses who get all dressed up and pretty for one special moment of their dreams, when really they're just normal people who just happen to be getting married. Things shouldn't have to be sugar-coated for grown-ass women. -mstar284
  • Apparently I'm too late for the original post but I saw this So long story short: brides, unless you are super close to your FSIL, don't include her. It might lead to more hurt feelings than if you do.

    I'm sorry, you have only a few posts on here so WHY are you telling people what they need to do? I'm not overly close with my FSIL, we are friends, she is a BM, and she's outgoing and actually gets along with all of my other girls. None of my girls knew each other before I asked them to be in the wedding party. Maybe you aren't trying to get along with the other girls in this wedding. Have you ever thought that you are being stubborn and childish and aren't WILLING to try to get along with them? They honestly might be mean, but if you haven't tried to be friendly with them then you won't know.
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  • MyNameIsNotMyNameIsNot Atlanta member
    Ninth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_a-word-against-including-your-fsil-from-a-fsil?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55a95963-24ed-4d9e-9722-4a8507a732b9Post:57472c0c-b3a1-4450-97f8-1eee5c53d246">Re: .</a>:
    [QUOTE]No.  <strong>Rude people telling me all of this is my own fault is why I deleted.</strong>  I had forgotten how nasty you can all be when someone is just trying to offer a perspective.  No one is ever right but you. You can all continue to throw me to the wolves now and talk about how awful a person I am for trying to get along with my SIL, but I am not going to stay for it.
    Posted by BlondeProject[/QUOTE]

    <div>Gee, I wonder why anyone would think you had difficulty owning your actions.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Maybe people are telling you that this is your fault because it is?  There are tons of ways you could have avoided this problem, but it seems you'd rather just have the problem so that you can run around whining and blaming everyone else.  </div>
  • I will say it's rather rude of your brother and FSIL to not give you a date when you're in the wedding party. That should be expected, even if they're not attached.

    Otherwise, yeah, you're overreacting and you could have just declined.
    image
  • It sounds like she went a little overboard with the whole "bridal experience" and I agree that if you're in the wedding party you definitely should have gotten a plus one invite.

    That said....no one put a gun your head.  I am including my fiancee's younger sisters as one of my bridesmaids but due to us all living in different parts of the country (and my general disinterest) we're not dress shopping together or doing a bridal shower or any of that stuff, so it is more low-key.  Still....she seemed very happy to be included and has been nothing but sweet about going to try on the bridesmaids dress and discussing details with me.  Also, FMIL was thrilled that FSIL was included.

    So yeah, I'm sorry you're having a rough time with it....but I wouldn't assume that your experience is applicable to everyone else.
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