BM Cold Feet

SmallSails

From the get-go, it was always just assumed I would ask my brother's live-in girlfriend to be in my wedding party. My family are really big on... well, including the family! I totally get that and I guess I've just come to accept it. She's a nice girl but every time I try to pop the question for her to be in my wedding party, I get some kind of cold feet or nerves or something!

I've had so many opportune times to do it and I've chickened out. My mom is getting a little pissed with me and my sister MOH just rolls her eyes. It's so weird of me... I don't know what's up! My FI tells me maybe I should wait longer to ask her, he thinks that I don't even realize that I may be uncomfortable with it. But everyone else has been asked so I feel like it's time.

Huuum... I don't really know what's up.
Anyone else have an awkward time asking people to be BMs?

bablingbrooke

It sounds like you don't really want her in the WP.  That would explain why you can't seem to bring yourself to ask her.  If that's the case, don't ask her.  Simple as that.

SmallSails

Maybe it's that everyone else in my party are either extremely close friends or actual family (like my sister). There's a level of comfort and casual exchange there with them so I had no problem asking. As she's my brother's girlfriend, I don't see her a whole lot or have extensive conversation with her. We just chit chat for a few minutes and that's the extent of it.

No doubt, she should be in the party. We are all confident she will be my bro's wife someday. And since my family is so big into family, it only makes sense. Maybe I just have to get to know her better... and maybe the wedding will help?

I just can't seem to ease the topic into conversation! Any tips?

saisongbird

She doesn't HAVE to be in the party. What about giving her another honor - asking her to do a reading, perhaps?  Wedding parties don't make people friends.  People who ask people to be in their WP with that expectation are generally disappointed with the outcome.  Find another honor.  Reader, carrier of gifts, musician, etc.  But don't ask her to stand up with you unless YOU really want her there.

bablingbrooke

Just call her up and ask her.  "GF, I'd be honored if you'd be a BM in my wedding."  Or email it to her--I've been asked to be a BM via email (since I was too busy to answer my phone) and I didn't feel any less honored for it.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-cold-feet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55da0257-4586-45dc-8455-22862fe60a5aPost:419f78ab-8f3f-45b5-b7a3-4dad34300140">Re: BM Cold Feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's that everyone else in my party are either extremely close friends or actual family (like my sister). There's a level of comfort and casual exchange there with them so I had no problem asking. As she's my brother's girlfriend, I don't see her a whole lot or have extensive conversation with her. We just chit chat for a few minutes and that's the extent of it. No doubt, she should be in the party. We are all confident she will be my bro's wife someday. And since my family is so big into family, it only makes sense. <strong>Maybe I just have to get to know her better... and maybe the wedding will help?</strong> I just can't seem to ease the topic into conversation! Any tips?
Posted by SmallSails[/QUOTE]
To quote Admiral Ackbar, "It's a trap!"  Seriously, weddings do not bring people closer together, and so many women ask someone who they don't really know to be in the wedding thinking that it will repair the relationship.  99.5% of the time, it does exactly the opposite.  Weddings put a lot of weird strains on people and their relationships (just take a look at some of the older posts and see the countless women who suddenly are having problems with life-long friends), so a relationship that isn't strong to go in is in serious jeopardy.

Maybe there's another way she can be involved?  As a reader or something?

heyimbren

It sounds to me like you would like her to be a part of the WP, you're just nervous with asking her because you aren't super close. It may not make you much closer, but if you genuinely want her in the WP go ahead and ask her.

If you feel that she should be in the WP (and you shouldn't feel pressured) just call her up or e-mail her or something. It doesn't have to be a big deal.

I don't even remember my friend really asking me to be a BM. She did ask me if I'd be offended if she didn't ask me (she was considering only family at first). Then one day she told me she'd changed my mind so she wanted me as a BM. Nothing fancy.

trix1223

Your wedding is a year away. Typically I'd say there's no rush to ask yet.  Give this some time, and if in December/early January you feel the same way, then don't ask.

Typically I'd say that perhaps in that time, your relationship may have changed and you might want her there.

However, all this hinges on whether you've already asked everyone else you want in the WP to stand with you.  If you have, and you wait until Jan. it could look like an afterthought.

On the other hand, if you wait until Christmas and decide you do want her, you can honestly say "I'm sorry I didn't ask sooner, but I've come to realize that I'd really like for you to be in my WP.  Will you do me the honor?"

If you decide after the holidays that you still don't want her, then you just don't ask.  GL

stina93446

Wait until closer to your date. You also don't have to have her in your party. If you're still unsure closer to the date, don't ask her. Just because she MIGHT be your SIL someday does not mean she has to be in the wedding. 

Oh and I love that Admiral Ackbar made it into the thread!

bablingbrooke

Oh, THAT'S who Admiral Akbar is!  I was thinking a movie about Napoleon or something.

suz62984

I've been good friends with all of my BMs so there wasn't cold feet. This is your brain's way of saying that you aren't close enough with this girl to ask her to be in the wedding. If you really feel like you must to keep family peace than just call her up right now and ask. It's like ripping off a band-aid. It just has to be done so do it fast. You don't have to make a speech...just say "hey, will you be a BM?"  done.

muamanda18

Either do it or don't do it...it is your choice but make a decision. It sounds like you really do not want her in the wedding party, which is totally fine, but if that's the case make it known to your family.

Snufflyfluffy

So one of my BM I wasn't incredibley close with but she is the wife of one of the GM so I wanted her in the wedding too, but I never actually asked her.  I told my FI I wanted her in the wedding and he told the GM who told her.  It was a very roundabout way of doing it but it worked and since the wedding has gotten closer we have too so maybe you can mention it to your brother to prep her to make it easier

mysticl

Even if she was married to your brother she doesn't need to be in your wedding.  Do not ignore the trouble you are having asking her.  It is your subconscience telling you "don't do it, you don't want her in the wedding!!!!!"  It sounds like she is basically a stranger to you.  Would you ask the person you chit chat with in line for 2 minutes Starbucks in the mornings?  No.

You have tons of time.  If you get closer to her over the next few months and decide you really like her then go for it but I think you should ask yourself why you aren't already closer to her if she lives with your brother and you expect them to get married. 

linguo42

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bm-cold-feet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:55da0257-4586-45dc-8455-22862fe60a5aPost:419f78ab-8f3f-45b5-b7a3-4dad34300140">Re: BM Cold Feet</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe it's that everyone else in my party are either extremely close friends or actual family (like my sister). There's a level of comfort and casual exchange there with them so I had no problem asking. As she's my brother's girlfriend, I don't see her a whole lot or have extensive conversation with her. We just chit chat for a few minutes and that's the extent of it. No doubt, she should be in the party. We are all confident she will be my bro's wife someday. And since my family is so big into family, it only makes sense. <strong>Maybe I just have to get to know her better... and maybe the wedding will help?</strong> I just can't seem to ease the topic into conversation! Any tips?
Posted by SmallSails[/QUOTE]

IMHO, you have this backwards. Get to know her first. As a PP said, the wedding is not a tool to bring you two closer. You will only end up with more awkwardness and communication issues if you ask her before you are comfortable around her.

Why not try and find a way to spend some more time with her, find out things you have in common, get beyond just chit-chat and make sure you have a few real conversations before you go any further?

Above all, <strong>do not</strong> ask her before you are absolutely positively sure you want her to be a member of the bridal party (not just because it's expected, but because <em>you</em> want her). You can always ask her later, but you can never un-ask.

samscsi

Could some of your nervous feelings be related to not knowing her feelings on the issue?  I'm planning to ask my SIL (my brother's wife), but I'm freaking out about it.  I love her and I really want her involved, but I'm kind of worried she might think it's weird.  Maybe that's part of your hesitation, too?

As others have said, the best thing you can do is try to spend a little bit more time with her before asking.  Get to know her a little better.  Then you can guage how you feel, and maybe even how she might feel about it.  In the end, it's your decision, though, and you shouldn't ask her if you don't feel comfortable.  It could end up being really awkward for both of you.