when friends assume they are in your bridal party

berkleighsmom

I had a super hard time with one of my friends thinking she was a bridesmaid. I never asked her to do it or talked about it with her but we are good friends, so she just assumed. I ended up having to tell her that she was NOT a bridesmaid because she would make comments like, "tell me when I need to order my dress". It was so tough to do but I felt so much better after talking to her! I started out by telling her that I know she wanted to be a bridesmaid and that it was hard to make decisions about the bridal party but she was not going to be in it. I just explained that we want to keep the wedding small and I didn't want to exclude her. She understood and I thanked her. I told her that I knew our friendship was strong and that she would understand.

I just wanted to post this for anyone who is dealing with the same issue. It's a tough conversation to have-don't get me wrong-but you will feel so much better after you do it. I asked her to participate in the wedding by reading scripture. She didn't feel comfortable doing that, so she is going to man the guest book. Just some alternatives for those of you who need them.

Also, I invited her to join us in my bridal suite as we get ready. It was important to me to include her as much as possible.

I hope this helps someone! I lost a lot of sleep over it and now I feel silly. I should've just talked to her right away.

Manwaithiel

Please be a troll. Please. I can't take it anymore.

berkleighsmom

Wow. I think you are all being a little harsh. I posted that to help others who might be in the same situation. It's really easy to say that I should have just told her as soon as she made assuming comments but I had JUST gotten engaged and was totally put on the spot. I didn't talk to her to "explain why she wasn't a bridesmaid" I talked to her to let her know. Other people told me not to say anything at all-that would have been awful! And no, it's not about numbers and pictures. My fiance originally only had 3 groomsmen so it was already uneven. The fact is that our wedding is small and if I included her as a bridesmaid then I would need to include a few others (as long as you are going by your don't hurt anyone's feelings motto). It's a little ridiculous to have half the guests standing up at the front, don't you think? Plus she is really struggling financially right now and I don't want to burden her with the cost of shoes, hair do, dress, etc.

Man, I'm awful for considering not just my own budget but someone else's, huh?

I am not MAKING her do the guest book or any other job for that matter. I wanted to offer her job in the wedding to let her know that I want her to be involved.

So like I said in my first post, if someone else is struggling with this-I hope it helps to know that at least you're not alone and it will get better.

frogurt814

In Response to <a href="http://chinese.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:c764b88f-c90f-40b1-bee0-3e194861c9a1">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow. I think you are all being a little harsh. I posted that to help others who might be in the same situation. It's really easy to say that I should have just told her as soon as she made assuming comments but I had JUST gotten engaged and was totally put on the spot. I didn't talk to her to "explain why she wasn't a bridesmaid" I talked to her to let her know. Other people told me not to say anything at all-that would have been awful! And no, it's not about numbers and pictures. My fiance originally only had 3 groomsmen so it was already uneven. <strong>The fact is that our wedding is small and if I included her as a bridesmaid then I would need to include a few others</strong> (as long as you are going by your don't hurt anyone's feelings motto). It's a little ridiculous to have half the guests standing up at the front, don't you think? Plus she is really struggling financially right now and I don't want to burden her with the cost of shoes, hair do, dress, etc. Man, I'm awful for considering not just my own budget but someone else's, huh? I am not MAKING her do the guest book or any other job for that matter. I wanted to offer her <strong>job</strong> in the wedding to let her know that I want her to be involved. So like I said in my first post, if someone else is struggling with this-I hope it helps to know that at least you're not alone and it will get better.
Posted by berkleighsmom[/QUOTE]
That statement is confusing to me.   You should ask those nearest and dearest to you.  I don't understand how asking one person would mean you would then have to include a whole bunch of other people.  If they are not your nearest and dearest, then you wouldn't ask them to be a BM in any case.

Guestbook attendant is as you said; it's a job. You are not honoring your friend in any way by having her stand next to your guest book.  People understand the purpose of a guest book.  There doesn't need to be someone standing there telling people what to do.

As for your friend's budget, that's not your concern.  It would have been up to her to accept or decline the offer based on her own feelings about her budget.  Also, all that she would really need to purchase is the dress, and you would've needed to find something that would fit into her budget anyway, so that's a non-issue.  As for shoes, just let your BMs wear whatever shoes they want in a certain color (black, gold, silver, etc.)  If you are requiring hair and makeup to be done, then you need to be paying for that.

Manwaithiel

Her money issues have absolutely nothing to do with you. If she wants to be a part of it, she'll swing the money. If she can't afford it, then she's adult and she'll decline.

If she wasn't to be a bridesmaid, you just say, "My BMs are Jill and Jane," and leave it at that.

filaw

In Response to <a href="http://chinese.weddings.com/Sites/Weddings/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:2fdb8a6b-9897-447f-9503-0fd289e1af84">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:  That statement is confusing to me.   You should ask those nearest and dearest to you.  I don't understand how asking one person would mean you would then have to include a whole bunch of other people. 
Posted by frogurt814[/QUOTE]

Makes perfect sense to me.  My friends tend to come in "groups".  So picking my bridal party, my sister was obvious and first, but then expanding out from there it really was a situation of well if I include "Jane" I need to include "Jill" too, so it was either Jane and Jill or neither.  Jane and Jill wouldn't have been hurt if I asked neither, but if I had asked one or the other, then the one not asked *would* have been hurt.

MandieandMollie

This really helped me to be honest. I'm not in the same situation as the person who posted this, but I have been having trouble deciding who to put in my bridal party and I've realized that whomever I ask or don't ask, if they are real friends they will be happy for me. And in the op's defense, a guest book sometimes does need an attendant. I am doing a guest book that comes with a polaroid camera. You take each guests photos, pop the photo into a page of the guest book, and they sign the page that contains your photo. This would actually require one or two people to man the guest book. It is also a big task to ask someone. They should be friendly, outgoing, and social. This is one of the first people your guests encounter. They represent you and your fiance and set the tone when they guests walk in the door for your happy day. They will meet pretty much everyone at your wedding and should be welcoming and helpful. This is a task I would only ask of someone whom I was close to that I felt would take pride in the job.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:7c8eea72-aeb2-4696-a02c-01207426cd35">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]This really helped me to be honest. I'm not in the same situation as the person who posted this, but I have been having trouble deciding who to put in my bridal party and I've realized that whomever I ask or don't ask, if they are real friends they will be happy for me. And in the op's defense, a guest book sometimes does need an attendant. I am doing a guest book that comes with a polaroid camera. You take each guests photos, pop the photo into a page of the guest book, and they sign the page that contains your photo. This would actually require one or two people to man the guest book. It is also a big task to ask someone. They should be friendly, outgoing, and social. This is one of the first people your guests encounter. They represent you and your fiance and set the tone when they guests walk in the door for your happy day. They will meet pretty much everyone at your wedding and should be welcoming and helpful. This is a task I would only ask of someone whom I was close to that I felt would take pride in the job. :)
Posted by MandieandMollie[/QUOTE]
If it's such a big job, you should be PAYING someone to do it.  Throwing a wedding does not entitle you to free labour from your friends.

I've not been a BM in several friends' weddings (and in fact one of my BMs is getting married also and I'm not one of her BMs - horror!)  The only time my feelings ever got hurt was when my one friend felt the need to explain to me WHY I wasn't a BM.  (It was because I live in Canada.  That's honestly what she told me.)  So yeah, it drives me crazy when people think this is a good idea.  Ask or don't ask, but don't sit someone down and explain to them why they didn't make the team.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:7c8eea72-aeb2-4696-a02c-01207426cd35">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]This really helped me to be honest. I'm not in the same situation as the person who posted this, but I have been having trouble deciding who to put in my bridal party and I've realized that whomever I ask or don't ask, if they are real friends they will be happy for me. And in the op's defense, a guest book sometimes does need an attendant. I am doing a guest book that comes with a polaroid camera. You take each guests photos, pop the photo into a page of the guest book, and they sign the page that contains your photo. This would actually require one or two people to man the guest book. It is also a big task to ask someone. They should be friendly, outgoing, and social. This is one of the first people your guests encounter. They represent you and your fiance and set the tone when they guests walk in the door for your happy day. They will meet pretty much everyone at your wedding and should be welcoming and helpful. This is a task I would only ask of someone whom I was close to that I felt would take pride in the job. :)
Posted by MandieandMollie[/QUOTE]
So basically your friend isn't going to get to eat dinner with everyone, or dance, or socialize, or pretty much enjoy the party at all, because she's going to have to be standing by the photo booth all night?

That sounds awful.  Truly awful. 

berkleighsmom

To those who offered positive support, thank you. Yes, the friends in groups thing is EXACTLY what I was talking about. I never said this friend was my best friend. I have lots of good friends. I was just trying to encourage others to be comfortable with what ever decision they make and not feel pressure. After all it is my wedding, isn't it? If you don't like the guestbook idea that is fine-don't use it. However if you read my original post clearly instead of just lashing out at me, you would've noticed that I first asked her to be a scripture reader. She did not want to do that. I offered a variety of other things she could help with (at her request) because she wanted to help. If you are using a basic guest book, then you don't NEED someone to help but with the polaroid idea you do for sure. As far as her budget not being my concern, I couldn't disagree more. She speaks openly to me about her situation and I've loaned her money in the past. She is the one who told me that she didn't think she would be able to afford it. I am not requiring hair and make up to be done but don't you think she'd feel left out with everyone else doing it and not her? You also disregarded the fact that I said I was concerned about MY budget. Adding people to your bridal party costs money-you all should know that by now.
But thank you for proving my main point that these days some people lack manners and can step on your toes about your wedding. It's your day, make decisions that make YOU happy and don't worry about everyone else.
To the bride trying to decide who to include, you are so right. Anyone who is a true friend will support whatever decision you make (as did my friend). Happy wedding planning to you! And thanks for sharing the great idea for the polaroid guestbook.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:7c8eea72-aeb2-4696-a02c-01207426cd35">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]This really helped me to be honest. I'm not in the same situation as the person who posted this, but I have been having trouble deciding who to put in my bridal party and I've realized that whomever I ask or don't ask, if they are real friends they will be happy for me. And in the op's defense, a guest book sometimes does need an attendant. I am doing a guest book that comes with a polaroid camera. You take each guests photos, pop the photo into a page of the guest book, and they sign the page that contains your photo. This would actually require one or two people to man the guest book. It is also a big task to ask someone. They should be friendly, outgoing, and social. This is one of the first people your guests encounter. They represent you and your fiance and set the tone when they guests walk in the door for your happy day. They will meet pretty much everyone at your wedding and should be welcoming and helpful. This is a task I would only ask of someone whom I was close to that I felt would take pride in the job. :)
Posted by MandieandMollie[/QUOTE]


So you've pretty much separated a good friend from enjoying your wedding so that she can take photos of your OTHER (translate:  real) guests for you?  Wow.  That's pretty awful. Hmmmm, I'm being given the chance to eat, drink, socialize, dance, and mingle or stand taking poloroid pictures~gosh that's just such a tough decision to make.

berkleighsmom

I NEVER intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid. You are missing the point entirely. She assumed that she was in the bridal party and totally put me on the spot. That is the ONLY reason why I talked to her about it in the first place. Maybe you don't think that your friend should've talked to you but did you ask her if you were in the wedding? My friend made statements as if she were in the wedding, so yea I felt the need to inform her that she was incorrect. You are basically telling us that you don't have a lot of good girlfriends. I'm sorry to hear that. No wonder you are being so catty. 
As for the free labor comments, not everyone is made of money. A lot of people have great friends who pitch in on the big day in order to make it a success. Maybe she doesn't have the budget for an extra photographer. The guest book probably takes about the same amount of time as the bp does taking pictures after the ceremony. Herfriend will not miss much-maybe 10 minutes.
Guess I really stirred some people up. The bright side is that the show Bridezillas has some strong candidates now. I don't watch the show or spend my time raining on other brides' parades because I have a thing called a life. good luck with that

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:3adf7b5e-05c7-42de-b250-a3d82dcfc885">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I NEVER intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid. You are missing the point entirely. She assumed that she was in the bridal party and totally put me on the spot. That is the ONLY reason why I talked to her about it in the first place. Maybe you don't think that your friend should've talked to you but did you ask her if you were in the wedding? My friend made statements as if she were in the wedding, so yea I felt the need to inform her that she was incorrect. You are basically telling us that you don't have a lot of good girlfriends. I'm sorry to hear that. No wonder you are being so catty.  As for the free labor comments, not everyone is made of money. A lot of people have great friends who pitch in on the big day in order to make it a success. Maybe she doesn't have the budget for an extra photographer. The guest book probably takes about the same amount of time as the bp does taking pictures after the ceremony. Herfriend will not miss much-maybe 10 minutes. Guess I really stirred some people up. The bright side is that the show Bridezillas has some strong candidates now. I don't watch the show or spend my time raining on other brides' parades because I have a thing called a life. good luck with that
Posted by berkleighsmom[/QUOTE]
Um, none of us our made of money.  And yet, somehow we're all managing to throw the wedding we can afford without relying on our guests to WORK.

As for the rest of it...you're a real peach.

Beachy730

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:3adf7b5e-05c7-42de-b250-a3d82dcfc885">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]I NEVER intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid. You are missing the point entirely. She assumed that she was in the bridal party and totally put me on the spot. That is the ONLY reason why I talked to her about it in the first place. Maybe you don't think that your friend should've talked to you but did you ask her if you were in the wedding? My friend made statements as if she were in the wedding, so yea I felt the need to inform her that she was incorrect. You are basically telling us that you don't have a lot of good girlfriends. I'm sorry to hear that. No wonder you are being so catty.  <strong>As for the free labor comments, not everyone is made of money. A lot of people have great friends who pitch in on the big day in order to make it a success.</strong> Maybe she doesn't have the budget for an extra photographer. The guest book probably takes about the same amount of time as the bp does taking pictures after the ceremony. Herfriend will not miss much-maybe 10 minutes. Guess I really stirred some people up. The bright side is that <strong>the show Bridezillas has some strong candidates now. I don't watch the show or spend my time raining on other brides' parades because I have a thing called a life. good luck with that
</strong>Posted by berkleighsmom[/QUOTE]

At our wedding it was much more important to us to have our friends enjoy themselves, and us be able to celebrate with them, than it was to save money, or make sure everyone signed our guestbook. 
BTW, about half of our guests wrote in it, we read it once, and I couldn't even tell you where it is right now.  So yes I think its bullshit to ask a friend to watch a book that you won't even care about.  

Last I checked bridezillas is only for people getting married, not already married.  And how do you tell us we have no life when you are on here doing the same thing as us?  Except we give good advice.

aerinpegadrak

I was a guest book attendant for a friend for kind of complicated reasons, but since I only had to watch it for about half an hour before the ceremony and was free to just be a guest after that, I didn't have a problem with it.  But if I had been expected to stand guard on my post rather than getting to just party, I would have turned her down.

banana468

OP, I think the issue is HOW you told your friend she wasn't a BM.  I had a friend who basically said I didn't make the cut and I love her dearly but her explanation that was similar to yours really hurt.  I moved on, but at the time the words did sting.  That's the point that people are trying to make.

As for the guestbook attendants, I really think that if you're asking ANYONE to work your reception then you should be paying them.  The reception is for your guests after all.

marinabreeze

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friends-assume-bridal-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56468a9b-1ebc-4c8b-b91f-7d0122839a5ePost:3adf7b5e-05c7-42de-b250-a3d82dcfc885">Re: when friends assume they are in your bridal party</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I NEVER intended to ask her to be a bridesmaid.</strong> You are missing the point entirely. <strong>She assumed that she was in the bridal party and totally put me on the spot. That is the ONLY reason why I talked to her about it in the first place.</strong> Maybe you don't think that your friend should've talked to you but did you ask her if you were in the wedding? My friend made statements as if she were in the wedding, so yea I felt the need to inform her that she was incorrect. <strong>You are basically telling us that you don't have a lot of good girlfriends. </strong>I'm sorry to hear that. No wonder you are being so catty.  <strong>As for the free labor comments, not everyone is made of money. A lot of people have great friends who pitch in on the big day in order to make it a success. Maybe she doesn't have the budget for an extra photographer. The guest book probably takes about the same amount of time as the bp does taking pictures after the ceremony. </strong>Herfriend will not miss much-maybe 10 minutes. Guess I really stirred some people up. The bright side is that the show Bridezillas has some strong candidates now. I don't watch the show or spend my time raining on other brides' parades because I have a thing called a life. good luck with that
Posted by berkleighsmom[/QUOTE]

PPs are  NOT saying you should've asked her.  You might want to read the responses you received before getting your panties in a twist.   They are saying that to tell your friend that you aren't including her because you have your requisite number of BMs and she doesn't make the cut is rude and harmful to your friendship. 

The best way to handle it is to not mention it and not keep talking about the wedding plans with said friend.  If she did put you on the spot,  though, just say "My bridesmaids are A, B, C, D, and E."  No other explanation or "I'm sorry you didn't make the cut" needed, and then don't continue talking to her about wedding plans nor give her a job to do.  Just say that you'd like for her to enjoy herself at the wedding as a guest.

You can't change the past, but the fact that you already went along with your plan, and apparently will continue to go along with said plans for making your friend do a consolation job (which is completely unnecessary) rather than enjoy herself, then think it's a good idea to advise others to make the same mistake, is just nuts.  That's what PPs are calling you out on.  And if you keep being rude to your friends, you won't have "a lot of good girlfriends" either.

A lot of us on here aren't made of money.  I'm not made of money and it's still a bad idea to make your guests work for free.  You shouldn't expect or even want your friends to "pitch in on the big day."   To think that it's something to be expected or desired of good friends for your pretty princess day is selfish and demonstrates an entitlement mentality  

Plan a wedding you and your FI can actually afford.  Having a budget doesn't give you license to ask your friends to work for you for free, especially for something that you and FI (and<em> paid</em> employees) should be doing.  If your plans outscale your budget, cut down on the plans, don't expect your friends to make it happen for you.

bablingbrooke

I can't believe you think this was a) a good thing to do, or b) something you wanted to share with a message board as a smart move.