Help!--Choosing BMs

VeeBee412

Hi I'm new soo be gentle with me haha! Okay this may seem like a silly question but this is really bothering me!

Once I started deciding who I wanted in my wedding, I realized that I don't have as many friends as I used to. I have many associates, but I really don't want them in the wedding (I have my reasons). So I decided to include some family in my wedding (esp since the only person in the wedding that will be related to me is my sister, who is also my MOH). So my question is..do you think it would be awkward to ask some of my cousins to be bridesmaids although we don't really talk? I was really close to the ones I'm thinking about asking when I was younger, but we're not as close now. We'll talk at family functions or on facebook but that is it. So would it be okay to ask them or should I just settle for those associates? I really don't want my cousins feeling like they're my last option, but I feel like i can depend on them a whole lot more than those associates! My mom said it shouldn't be a problem but I need to hear other opinions. I know this is silly but this is really bothering me!!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bms-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:56bf1acd-c32c-4d15-80f5-8db68e3d34a2Post:b5bfa60a-21b8-4d40-9bde-6a85dc878935">Help!--Choosing BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi I'm new soo be gentle with me haha! Okay this may seem like a silly question but this is really bothering me! Once I started deciding who I wanted in my wedding, I realized that I don't have as many friends as I used to. I have many associates, but I really don't want them in the wedding (I have my reasons). So I decided to include some family in my wedding (esp since the only person in the wedding that will be related to me is my sister, who is also my MOH). So my question is.. do you think it would be awkward to ask some of my cousins to be bridesmaids although we don't really talk? I was really close to the ones I'm thinking about asking when I was younger, but we're not as close now. We'll talk at family functions or on facebook but that is it. So would it be okay to ask them or should I just settle for those associates? I really don't want my cousins feeling like they're my last option, but I feel like i can depend on them a whole lot more than those associates! My mom said it shouldn't be a problem but I need to hear other opinions. I know this is silly but this is really bothering me!!
Posted by VeeBee412[/QUOTE]

I'm not going to vote because I don't agree with either option. You should have people standing with you that you really WANT standing with you. These are people who are sharing an important piece of your life. Why pick them arbitrarily? If you only have your sister who is your MOH then stick with just her-- you don't have to have a train of people behind you.

And when is your wedding?

mysticl

Just have the MOH. 

mbcdefg

I didn't vote because I think it's stupid to pick people you aren't particularly close to just for the sake of having warm bodies up there.

VeeBee412

okay thanks! I guess I'll just downsize the wedding party..he has more friends than I do so I was basing the number of my bridesmaids on his groomsmen

It's not til April 2012 but I need to get everyone together before my fiance gets deployed at the end of the yr

VeeBee412

actually i take that back..most of his groomsmen are his brothers!

mbcdefg

Your numbers don't need to match, you know. You can have just the MOH and he can have as many groomsmen as he wants. It'd be very unfair to tell him to not ask some of his friends just to keep things even (if that's what you meant by "downsize").

And, no, you don't need to get everyone together soon for an April 2012 wedding. You don't need to make a decision before maybe June 2011. Your FI's deployment has nothing to do with asking people too early. He can keep in mind who he wants for now, absolutely, but he doesn't need to ask them before next year ... he can call or e-mail them to ask if he's overseas at that time, or you can ask on his behalf if he can't contact them himself.

VeeBee412

Yeah, it wouldn't be fair. I have more than just a MOH though, i just wanted our numbers to match, I've never been to one where it didn't. Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned. Also, I was told to get as much done as i could before he left and to have a meet and greet for the bridal party

[Deleted User]

HOLY CRAP you really don't even need to worry about this until you're at LEAST in 2011. lol I know, you probably were just wondering. But please please please do NOT ask anyone until at the minimum a year out. Even then-- take very careful consideration and know that who you ask is not a reversible decision, for whatever reason. And you can't fill a "hole" if someone decides to dip out. Be careful! Good luck!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bms-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56bf1acd-c32c-4d15-80f5-8db68e3d34a2Post:0dccbf7d-ee72-44da-b6da-f5802e98018d">Re: Help!--Choosing BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]Yeah, it wouldn't be fair. I have more than just a MOH though, i just wanted our numbers to match, I've never been to one where it didn't. Maybe I'm just too old-fashioned. Also, I was told to get as much done as i could before he left and to have a meet and greet for the bridal party
Posted by VeeBee412[/QUOTE]
The WP doesn't need a meet-and-greet.  It's not a new social group.  So get that out of your head.<div>
</div><div>Uneven WPs are so common you probably have been to a wedding that had them but didn't notice--it's that unimportant.  We did a straw poll here once and something like 2/3 of people here either had or are planning to have uneven sides.  It's something that seems like wedding heresy when you first hear about it but then you think about it and realize it has nothing to do with tradition or anything else, and that the wedding police wont' bust up the place.  You won't look at your wedding photos and count heads.  You'll look and see faces of your family and friends.  </div><div>
</div><div>Unless the wedding is the day after he gets back, there is no need to plan anything now.  Not only will your plans likely have to change at some point (many weddings planned for after a deployment have to make some changes due to unforeseen circumstances), you will probably change your mind on many things on your own, including who you want in the WP.  Since there is nothing for them to do so early, why paint yourself into a corner and ask so early?  Scroll through the first page of this board--there are literally dozens of posts from girls who asked their WPs nearly 2 years in advance and really regretted it because the relationship changed.  These were BFFs and cousins, by the way--relationships they thought were solid.  Again, why put yourself in such a position?  It probably won't happen to you, but why risk it?  Finally, even if the relationships don't change, you're going to give everyone, including you, wedding burnout.  No one can stay excited or motivated for two years to plan a party.  You want to still be psyched when it comes around, right?</div><div>
</div><div>You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by 1) waiting to ask, and 2) picking people without regard to symmetry.  </div>

mishkamichelle

Hello,
I am having a rather large wedding party - and have asked a cousin from each side to be a BM for me.  We may not be as close as I am with my other friends, but family is very important to me and when we do get together we have a blast.  It is like having sisters I don't have to see on a regular basis... But that is what works for me.  I have tons of other cousins, but would not even consider asking, no matter how dedicated, because we just aren't close and I can't see us ever being close. 
My wedding party is also going to be uneven.  And I am now ok with it... Haha... It took a while though.
Goodluck!

CaylaSummer

Hey there,

This might be a bit off from what you are asking but I had a friend in high school that I 'reconected' through facebook. I do not hang out with her or talk to her on the phone and our relationship does not go beyond facebook. I have not seen this girl for 10 yrs maybe more anyway she told me she is getting married months ago and at first I was unsure why she was inviting me because I hadn't seen her for so long and I would not even expect her to invite me. I wasn't going to go anyway. So a couple of months ago she left me this long message on facebook basically saying that she originally had a MOH and 2 bridesmaid. I don't know what happen exactly with one of the bridesmaid but she needed an extra one. 

So she said she has always considered me as a close friend though I hadn't seen her for a long time. Yeah ok. To make the story short she asked me to be a bridesmaid and told me that I can just pick up a long brown dress and she would pay for everything I need. She even suggested if I wanted to bring my now fiance so he can be my partner and said we can ride in the limo and that I just needed to show up the day of the wedding. Sounds ridiculous right. Anyway I said no to her. My point is if you ask someone even if its your cousin, they may be put off by it especially if you are not close to her and plus why would you want to have someone you are not close with in your BP after all you maybe doing all these fun stuff and she may feel a little bit out of place.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_choosing-bms-1?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:56bf1acd-c32c-4d15-80f5-8db68e3d34a2Post:e4658511-a974-41df-8bb4-a2e927047452">Re: Help!--Choosing BMs</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey there, This might be a bit off from what you are asking but I had a friend in high school that I 'reconected' through facebook. I do not hang out with her or talk to her on the phone and our relationship does not go beyond facebook. I have not seen this girl for 10 yrs maybe more anyway she told me she is getting married months ago and at first I was unsure why she was inviting me because I hadn't seen her for so long and I would not even expect her to invite me. I wasn't going to go anyway. So a couple of months ago she left me this long message on facebook basically saying that she originally had a MOH and 2 bridesmaid. I don't know what happen exactly with one of the bridesmaid but she needed an extra one.  So she said she has always considered me as a close friend though I hadn't seen her for a long time. Yeah ok. To make the story short she asked me to be a bridesmaid and told me that I can just pick up a long brown dress and she would pay for everything I need. She even suggested if I wanted to bring my now fiance so he can be my partner and said we can ride in the limo and that I just needed to show up the day of the wedding. Sounds ridiculous right. Anyway I said no to her. My point is if you ask someone even if its your cousin, they may be put off by it especially if you are not close to her and plus why would you want to have someone you are not close with in your BP after all you maybe doing all these fun stuff and she may feel a little bit out of place.
Posted by CaylaSummer[/QUOTE]

No only were you not close anymore, you were asked to REPLACE someone who had stepped down, which is a big no-no. If you lose a bridesmaid, you're down a person. Sounds like she just wanted you as a prop to make her WP even. I'm glad you said no, it was extremely rude of her to ask in the first place.

tander1

I think it is important to think about the people who will be there for you when you need them in life. If that is your cousins then that is great. I wouldn't want people in my wedding that I would look back on and say wow I hate those people. Pick people who will support you on your wedding day as well as people who will support you in life.