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Bachelorette Party Problems

dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
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in Wedding Party
So I need help with a pretty awkward and tough situation..

I am one of three bridesmaids in my sisters wedding.  In planning the Bachelorette Party, when my sister (the bride) started talking about it she wanted to do an out of state party.  When she told me about it, I told her I wouldnt be able to afford to go.  (full-time college student who doesnt make alot).  A week or so ago, the MOH sent a message to me and the other BM about the final plans and dates for the party, which is definitely out of state.  I told them I wish I would, but at this time could not afford to go. 

Well.. in response to that the MOH sent another talking about covering the brides cost for the weekend.  So of course I have to say again in short terms its not in my budget. (since I knew I wouldnt be able to help plan or be a part of the Bach. party, I helped plan and fund the bridal shower.) But the MOH is still expecting me to help pay for the trip that I didnt help plan, and not attending. 

Of course it caused drama with the MOH, my sister (bride) and me.  And really I dont know what to do.  I just dont know how to get them to understand I really can not afford it even after telling them a couple times.... Help! Frown

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Re: Bachelorette Party Problems

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    superheroprincesssuperheroprincess member
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    Just say that you would love to help but due to your situation you are unable to at this time. 

    Bachelorette parties are not mandatory don't let them make you think otherwize.

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    marissa_clairemarissa_claire member
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    I think they should be respectful to the fact that you're a college student.  I don't think a BM should ever have to help pay for anything that she didn't have a say in.  So if they planned this bach party w/o asking for your input, in my book you'd be off the hook.  

    So your sis is mad too?  I would personally talk to your mom about it.  Not to pitch in, but maybe she has some sway with your sis? I know you're an adult, and I get that, but if it's an issue between you and your sis it might be the way to go.  They can't force you to write a check, so what's the worse that can happen?  
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    Send your MOH and sister over here. We'll set 'em straight.

    First of all, the fact that your sister mandated that she needed an out of state party was totally out of line. She does not get to plan the party, because it is a gift to her. I fully believe that the MOH or whoever, should only plan a party that everyone can afford/be comfortable with participating in. If she insists on throwing a party outside your means, then she needs to eat the cost. You most certainly should not be paying for something you're not even attending, let alone for your sister who sounds like a brat to me.

    Tell them you're not going and that you're most certainly not going to contribute to party you're not attending, especially if you're already throwing your sister a shower.

    Man, I have my younger sister as the MOH and if I pulled this stunt with her (or if any of my girls did for that matter) she'd set us straight in a hearbeat. I suggest you do the same, and don't back down.

    And seriously. Send them here.
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    aerinpegadrakaerinpegadrak member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:13dd19ca-0697-43e0-9a0c-d8a81651203d">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Send your MOH and sister over here. We'll set 'em straight.
    Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
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    dreamsinpinkdreamsinpink member
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    Thanks ladies!  I was just wanting to make sure I wasnt wrong in the situation.

    my sisters response to this is that I am resentful towards the fact I am not the MOH which is not it at all.. If i could go i really would, and Im kind of upset I cant so its just a tough situation. I actually have talked to my mom about it and she thinks  I need to split the cost with her for the bach party which even she doesnt understand, I cant!

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    megk8ozmegk8oz member
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    If you aren't attending, I really don't see why you'd be expected to pay to help cover your sister. You already told the MOH that you could not afford to go, and she could have easily just changed the plan to something you could afford to participate it, and just chose not to.

    So to me, it's incredibly rude of her to stick with the plan that excludes you due to your financial situation and is now saying "It totally sucks that you're too poor to come along, but you still need to hand me money so the rest of us can have fun without you".


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    banana468banana468 member
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    I really hate the logic that if you can't afford to go, you should be paying for someone else.

    What I'd so - give what you can.  She is your sister so see if you can give something as a gesture of goodwill.  If you can't give anything then that's it.  But if you can even say, "I can't be there or contribute what you're asking but I'll definitely mail you a check for $50 to help," and leave it at that.

    Some people honestly don't "get" etiquette or how rude their being.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:db5190ba-422a-4da1-b962-848aa117b2eb">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks ladies!  I was just wanting to make sure I wasnt wrong in the situation. my sisters response to this is that I am resentful towards the fact I am not the MOH which is not it at all.. If i could go i really would, and Im kind of upset I cant so its just a tough situation. I actually have talked to my mom about it and she thinks  I need to split the cost with her for the bach party which even she doesnt understand, I cant!
    Posted by mfuller989[/QUOTE]

    Wow. Send your mom here too. Good gravy...
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    tidetraveltidetravel member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:db5190ba-422a-4da1-b962-848aa117b2eb">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks ladies!  I was just wanting to make sure I wasnt wrong in the situation. <strong>my sisters response to this is that I am resentful towards the fact I am not the MOH</strong> which is not it at all.. If i could go i really would, and Im kind of upset I cant so its just a tough situation. I actually have talked to my mom about it and she thinks  I need to split the cost with her for the bach party which even she doesnt understand, I cant!
    Posted by mfuller989[/QUOTE]

    It is at this point in the conversation when I would have turned in my BM resignation notice.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:7740f55c-b6ac-4458-aa70-e019cb94215c">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bachelorette Party Problems : It is at this point in the conversation when I would have turned in my BM resignation notice.
    Posted by tidetravel[/QUOTE]

    True 'dat
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    AutumnFairAutumnFair member
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    I agree with all the ladies and I might add, they can't legally come after you for money, so unless they try to steal money from you, just keep the "sorry can't afford it" line coming, they might be peeved but that's too damn bad. 

    I also want to mention that I have been MOH before and when I planned my friends b-party I asked if anyone like the contribute. Some BMs respond back with yes and did what was comfortable with them and some didn't. I didn't harass nor make any of them feel bad who didn't come or contribute. Why? Because it's rude and just plain mean to do that to someone. 

    So yeah, stick to your guns. The people who are in the wrong are your sister and MOH (and your mom who is probably just trying to please your sister since she's the Bride). I agree this behavior from your sister would put me on the edge of just stepping down.
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    lalap69lalap69 member
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    I'd point out how crazy they're being "I can't afford for ME to go, you think I have money to put towards someone else going??  I'm BROKE!"  They're totally in the wrong here.  Do they not remember what it's like to be students?
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    tldhtldh member
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    edited November 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:db5190ba-422a-4da1-b962-848aa117b2eb">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks ladies!  I was just wanting to make sure I wasnt wrong in the situation. my sisters response to this is that I am resentful towards the fact I am not the MOH which is not it at all.. If i could go i really would, and Im kind of upset I cant so its just a tough situation. I actually have talked to my mom about it and she thinks  I need to split the cost with her for the bach party which even she doesnt understand, I cant!
    Posted by mfuller989[/QUOTE]

    No hon, you are not in the wrong at all here.  It's not easy to be a broke student, so stick to your guns.  Do not even think about pulling out a credit card to pay for groceries so that you can send some cash to your sister's MOH.  Your obligations, sister or not, begins with putting on a dress and ends with walking back down the aisle. 

    Send a link of this thread to your mom, sister and her MOH.
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    deepcovejackiedeepcovejackie
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    They are way out of line.  You have no reason to feel bad.
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    ManwaithielManwaithiel member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:072f2e96-2d05-4a41-8231-29a6e7dc1b45">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]"I'm sorry to miss your bachelorette. As you know, my funds are limited. I cannot afford to attend the party or contribute to it. I hope you have a wonderful time." Then use the Chip and Dip method (change the subject).  Keep offering the chips and dip regardless of what they say. MOH: I really the money, though. You: Yes, I understand how expensive it is. That's why I can't go. Try this dip. It's wonderful. Her: well, then you need to contribute. you: would you like some more chips?
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]
     
    =D nice...
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    LD1970LD1970 member
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:50f5c91f-4686-44f1-9218-6395c07c3d30">Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]So I need help with a pretty awkward and tough situation.. I am one of three bridesmaids in my sisters wedding.  In planning the Bachelorette Party, when my sister (the bride) started talking about it she wanted to do an out of state party.  When she told me about it, I told her I wouldnt be able to afford to go.  (full-time college student who doesnt make alot).  A week or so ago, the MOH sent a message to me and the other BM about the final plans and dates for the party, which is definitely out of state.  I told them I wish I would, but at this time could not afford to go.  Well.. in response to that the MOH sent another talking about covering the brides cost for the weekend.  So of course I have to say again in short terms its not in my budget. (since I knew I wouldnt be able to help plan or be a part of the Bach. party, I helped plan and fund the bridal shower.) But the MOH is still expecting me to help pay for the trip that I didnt help plan, and not attending.  Of course it caused drama with the MOH, my sister (bride) and me.  And really I dont know what to do.  I just dont know how to get them to understand I really can not afford it even after telling them a couple times.... Help!
    Posted by mfuller989[/QUOTE]
    Ooooooooooooh, no.  If you don't go, you don't contribute.<div>
    </div><div>That's one thing that even in my circles, where all the BMs and MOH always contribute financially (and equally) to the shower even if they can't attend... with bachelorette parties, it's everyone who goes pays for herself and splits the cost for the bride.  No one else shells out a dime.</div>
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    botticelliangel6botticelliangel6
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    As much as it's none of their buisness, if they keep at it you could make everyone uncomfortable by sharing your budget - I make $X per month, or I get $XXXX in a refund for the semester, this is my rent/dorm costs, this is my bills for x,y,z, this is how much my books cost, this is what food costs, utilities, which as you can see leaves me only $xx per month for necessaries like toilet paper and tampons, and perhaps even something like dinner out or a movie.  So unless you can see a way in that budget for me to contribute, I'd love for you to explain it to me. 

    It might be rude, but they're being rude.  And it would certainly prove the point.  Some people, epecially if they didn't go to college don't understand what you live on. 
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    lisaandcoreylisaandcorey
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bachelorette-party-problems?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:588cc221-2f56-4a35-9be1-cebc2225fb17Post:88b69b8e-d83d-4864-a32b-f2215817aef7">Re: Bachelorette Party Problems</a>:
    [QUOTE]As much as it's none of their buisness, if they keep at it you could make everyone uncomfortable by sharing your budget - I make $X per month, or I get $XXXX in a refund for the semester, this is my rent/dorm costs, this is my bills for x,y,z, this is how much my books cost, this is what food costs, utilities, which as you can see leaves me only $xx per month for necessaries like toilet paper and tampons, and perhaps even something like dinner out or a movie.  So unless you can see a way in that budget for me to contribute, I'd love for you to explain it to me.  It might be rude, but they're being rude.  And it would certainly prove the point.  Some people, epecially if they didn't go to college don't understand what you live on. 
    Posted by botticelliangel6[/QUOTE]

    I like it!

    Since they do not understand what "I cannot afford it" means, show them.
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