Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid?

lindseroo

My sister got married in November.  I was her MOH, but basically because she doesn't have any friends.  And that sounds awful, but it's true.  Because we do not get along at ALL.  We are polar opposites.  She is someone I would never even consider being friends with if we weren't sisters.  Do I sound mean enough yet?  I'm just trying to set the stage here haha.  So anyway, I have a feeling she is going to expect to be my MOH, but I have a best friend who I would rather have fill the position.  So I suppose my question is this:  If your MOH was getting married and you were sort of thinking you should be their MOH, would you be less offended if you were named Matron of Honor (with no real meaning besides the name) or just a bridesmaid?  I have no issue with making her "Matron of Honor," but I still want my friend to do all of the typical MOH things so she would sort of be a second (although I wouldn't care if she made a toast).  So which is less painful? 

Thanks!

jagore08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_matron-of-honor-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5a0cc247-5c7f-4c36-874a-7a16e50e2d01Post:48610450-0c45-4ef7-8d08-0a09a0bf4230">Matron of Honor or Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]My sister got married in November.  I was her MOH, but basically because she doesn't have any friends.  And that sounds awful, but it's true.  Because we do not get along at ALL.  We are polar opposites.  She is someone I would never even consider being friends with if we weren't sisters.  Do I sound mean enough yet?  I'm just trying to set the stage here haha.  So anyway, I have a feeling she is going to expect to be my MOH, but I have a best friend who I would rather have fill the position.  So I suppose my question is this:  If your MOH was getting married and you were sort of thinking you should be their MOH, would you be less offended if you were named Matron of Honor (with no real meaning besides the name) or just a bridesmaid?  I have no issue with making her "Matron of Honor," but I still want my friend to do all of the typical MOH things so she would sort of be a second (although I wouldn't care if she made a toast).  So which is less painful?  Thanks!
Posted by lindseroo[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Have a Matron and Maid of Honor.  That's no big deal.  But what kind of typical "MOH things" do you want her to do besides give a toast?  Please tell me you've lurked on here long enough to know they don't <em>have</em> to help plan <em>your</em> wedding?!

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stina93446

Just so you know, weddings aren't tit for tat. Even though she's your sister, she doesn't have to be your MOH. However, if asking her to be a co matron will avoid lots of family drama, I'd ask her.

saxy414

If she's expecting it and it would cause family drama to not ask her to be MOH, ask her.  It won't hurt anything--unless you tell her she's "second" (so definitely keep that part to yourself).

mbcdefg

If it'll keep the peace, have Sis as MatronOH and Friend as MaidOH.

Do not say anything to anyone about your sister being "MOH in name only," because there's absolutely no nice way to explani that. MOH is supposed to be your closest friend, not the best helper or the person who winds up doing the most work.

MOH tasks you can assign:stand next to you during the ceremony, hold bouquet/ring during ceremony, straighten out train durnig ceremony, sign license as the official witness, stand next to you in the formal photos (or rotate them for a few pics), walk with Best Man (or he can escort them both), toast (although that's not "assigning" so much as "asking" them to give one)

Tasks you cannot assign:throwing the shower or bachelorette party (because it's incredibly rude to ask/tell someone to throw you a party), coordinate the other bridesmaids to do something or order their dresses (because it's not her job to manage them), come with you to appointments or bridal shows (you can inviteher, or any BM, to come, but they are not obligated), helping you plan/ stuff invites/ assemble favors/ whatever (because it is only your and your FI's job to plan the wedding ... other people might volunteer, or you can politely ask for help if you feel like you could use it, but it is nobody's responsibility but yours to plan the wedding).

And a tip ... the less you ask for, the more people are usually willing to give. So try not to ask for too much from people and you may get more assistance ... if you feel like things are too complicated for you and your FI to do on your own, scale it back to the point where it IS manageable, before you start telling people that you're in desperate need of their help. And don't forget that people outside your wedding party will probably offer some help, too ... I've had lots of non-bridesmaid friends and family offer assistance. Someone needn't be a BM to be able to help.

bablingbrooke

My sister and I don't get along at ALL (and our relationship is really bad--she's quite infamous on this board as quite possibly the worst MOH ever).  She was a terrible MOH--not planning was the least of my worries.  She tried to sabotage a couple of pre-wedding events, made a scene at the RD and shower, and had to be dragged out of the reception early for getting so wasted.  I still am glad I asked her to be MOH.  She will always be my sister.  Nothing will change that.  My other BMs were awesome.  I don't look back and focus on what my sister didn't do, I look back and focus on what the other wonderful people in my life did do.

Having the obligatory family member isn't so bad.  Especially if it's expected.  If you think about it, she's already going to go to the wedding, RD, rehearsal, shower, and bach party (presumably).  Is it that much a difference to have her actually in the wedding, which consists of her standing up with you holding flowers for half an hour or so?  

I would have co-MOH.  It is the option least likely to come back to haunt you.

AlexaGrant

babling, is there a link to a thread about your "worst MOH ever" that you can post for us newbies?  thanks!

bablingbrooke

Oh boy, it's from some time ago in old knot, let me see what I can do.

bablingbrooke

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lindseroo

No I definitely don't expect any planning help from my MOH!  That's not what I meant.  I don't know how much my friend will even be able to offer as she is in a rigorous PT program.  What I mean by "typical" tasks is that I plan to have my friend hold my bouquet, sign the marriage license, etc.  So my sister would stand after her (because of the bouquet-holding), which to me standing order really doesn't mean anything, so I guess I will just have to tell her that.  I will have her in the wedding either way, so I will probably just name her "matron of honor" to avoid her feeling bad. 

golden1215

I personally would ask the friend who has been a better person to you and let your sis be a BM.  Or, like others have said- just have them both stand up.

trix1223

linds:  why don't you just have the friend stand next to you and hold the bouquet, and your sister sign the license.  That way they both have an important part.  I think that's really your easiest solution.