Maid of honor troubles

james823

My best friend from childhood was devastated when I asked my future sister in law to be my MOH and not her. She flipped out when I asked her to be a bridesmaid and then took 3 weeks to give me a yes or no and by 3 weeks my mind was made up: I didn't want anyone in my wedding who needed 3 weeks to decide. I asked her to come as a guest and now she is apologizing and wants back in. What should I do??

juliebug1997

Well, really, you shouldn't have rescinded your asking her to be a BM.  I can understand why she was devastated--you have just told us she was your best friend from childhood.  If you still want her to be your friend after the wedding (and possibly leading up to it), you might want to let her back into your WP.  

james823

I feel like she took my day and made it all about her and how sad she is. It's my day and I can ask whoever I want. She chose to not be in it when each of the 6 times I asked her, she gave me no response. She is playing victim and I'm the hurt one. My memories have been clouded. I've never heard of a bridesmaid needing time to think about it because they wanted to be MOH and now cannot support who I picked! Someone back me here! Am I the crazy one?!?

klnewman1227

I have your back.  She should have been honored to be asked to be a part of your day, period...regardless of where she stands.  I can see how she was hurt, but it should be been something that she kept to herself instead of as you said, making it about her.  As a best friend she should understand.  I don't think you should have "un-asked" her...but I can see where you taken back.  You should just get lunch and put it all out on the table and ask her back....hopefully she can be mature and understand, or at least try.

calliopeia2013

Clearly you two deserve each other.  Try some compassion, instead of being vindictive.  I'm not saying she wasn't at least partially in the wrong, but friendships don't last when you try to punish your friends instead of forgiving them.

Annas2013

If you want to be friends with her after this, you have no choice but to let her in the WP and apologize for what you did.  That was rude.  I don't care if she was hurt and didn't give you an answer, she had a right to be hurt.  She shouldn't have acted the way she did but you could have been the bigger person and you chose not to.  Well now you have a choice. If you ask her to come as a guest that's basically a friendship ending move, but if you ask her to still be in your WP maybe you can save the friendship.  Just because you're getting married doesn't mean it's your day.  It's also your FI's day too.  Everyone's feelings are important, yours and hers.  I think what you're doing is spiteful and if you continue to act like that, you will lose her as a friend.  It's your call.

StephBeanWed61502

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ab0e018-2e2c-4d6a-9f8c-f8e29f6cea54Post:c3d5dbc6-c207-4018-ac1a-413ed9a01898">Re:Maid of honor troubles</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like she took my day and made it all about her and how sad she is. It's my day and I can ask whoever I want. She chose to not be in it when each of the 6 times I asked her, she gave me no response. She is playing victim and I'm the hurt one. My memories have been clouded. I've never heard of a bridesmaid needing time to think about it because they wanted to be MOH and now cannot support who I picked! Someone back me here! <strong>Am I the crazy one?!?</strong>
Posted by james823[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm going with "both of you are crazy."</div><div>
</div><div>Here's the thing - she thought she was going to be MOH.  She was excited for that.  It's understandable that she was disappointed that she isn't, but she was pretty immature to make a big deal out of it.  However, you <em>are also being immature</em>.  You would really not want your closest friend in your bridal party because she took too long to give you a response?  That's absurd.  Both of you need to grow up.</div>

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ab0e018-2e2c-4d6a-9f8c-f8e29f6cea54Post:f6b8a24a-05ec-4f81-861e-9c6326070785">Re:Maid of honor troubles</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Maid of honor troubles : I'm going with "both of you are crazy." Here's the thing - she thought she was going to be MOH.  She was excited for that.  It's understandable that she was disappointed that she isn't, but she was pretty immature to make a big deal out of it.  However, you are also being immature .  You would really not want your closest friend in your bridal party because she took too long to give you a response?  That's absurd.  Both of you need to grow up.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Perfectly said!

graysquirrel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ab0e018-2e2c-4d6a-9f8c-f8e29f6cea54Post:f6b8a24a-05ec-4f81-861e-9c6326070785">Re:Maid of honor troubles</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re:Maid of honor troubles : I'm going with "both of you are crazy." Here's the thing - she thought she was going to be MOH.  She was excited for that.  It's understandable that she was disappointed that she isn't, but she was pretty immature to make a big deal out of it.  However, you are also being immature .  You would really not want your closest friend in your bridal party because she took too long to give you a response?  That's absurd.  Both of you need to grow up.
Posted by StephBeanWed61502[/QUOTE]

Took the words right out of my mouth. It is super childish to throw a tantrum over not being MOH, but it is equally childish to then tell her that you decided you didn't want her. Being a bride isn't about having your day, it is about celebrating your love with friends and family. If you want friends after your wedding, then don't forget that they have feelings, too.

mbcdefg

Both of you need to grow up.

aragx6

Your wedding is more than 400 days away. What the hell does it matter if she took three weeks to answer?

msuprincess04

You said she never responded to any of your invitations to be a bm... Did you actually call her and ask? I'm having a hard time believing you asked her a question and she never gave you any kind of indication as to how she was feeling on the subject. If you just texted or e-mailed, then you may want to consider the kind of friend you are being as well.

welches79

And this is why you don't ask people to be in your wedding party a zillion days before the wedding. Way too much room for drama.

mellimel19

She was definitely immature for acting the way she did. That said, it was overdramatic on your part to un-ask her to be in your wedding party and say that your memories of this are now clouded. That's only if you let them be. Remember that this is one of your closest friends- the best thing you can do at this point is sit down and clear the air with her, and ask her to be in your wedding again.

semplesarah

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-troubles?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5ab0e018-2e2c-4d6a-9f8c-f8e29f6cea54Post:c3d5dbc6-c207-4018-ac1a-413ed9a01898">Re:Maid of honor troubles</a>:
[QUOTE]I feel like she took my day and made it all about her and how sad she is. It's my day and I can ask whoever I want. She chose to not be in it when each of the 6 times I asked her, she gave me no response. She is playing victim and I'm the hurt one. My memories have been clouded. I've never heard of a bridesmaid needing time to think about it because they wanted to be MOH and now cannot support who I picked! Someone back me here! Am I the crazy one?!?
Posted by james823[/QUOTE]

I think you are being a bit selfish, as is she. Yes it is your day, but what's the point without friends and family to share it with? Wedding etiquette can be tricky. You just need to actually talk to her, come to a resolution, and then the wedding can get back to you and your other half!

TiffannieF

While I agree taking long to give an answer is a bit ridiculous, can't you have some compassion for her? Did you ever think about how you would feel if you were in her shoes? So while I still think she was being immature, it was rude for you to "un ask" her. I would try to hang out with, apologize and tell her you can't imagine your wedding day with out her. Otherwise you might have hurt your relationship over a flippin wedding. After that stop talking wedding with her and focus on your relationship.

james823

In Response to Re:Maid of honor troubles:[QUOTE]You said she never responded to any of your invitations to be a bm... Did you actually call her and ask? I'm having a hard time believing you asked her a question and she never gave you any kind of indication as to how she was feeling on the subject. If you just texted or emailed, then you may want to consider the kind of friend you are being as well. Posted by msuprincess04[/QUOTE]

I asked her personally. Each time she beat around the bush and wouldn't say a yes or a no. And for those who say that I am being dramatic well I live across the world. So yes I have to make these plans this early and need answers because I'm 12 hours away from my family. Not to mention that my gift to my bridesmaids is their flight here so yes, I need to know. When I said best friend maybe I should have. She is a very good friend, who has been around for a very long time. And YES IT IS MY DAY when I'm the one footing the bill and paying for everyone and everything. My family and fiances family and all my other friends agree with what I did and tell me that she was selfish and made this time about herself instead of just being happy to be asked. I didn't know I would be bullied and called names on this post for me asking for some feedback. Thank you for those who responded with true advice and didn't need to belittle and call me names to get their point across. I appreciate how grown up those few of you are.

james823

And by 12 hours I don't mean hours I mean 12 hr time zone...

mbcdefg

You're mad because she needed some time to decide whether she could commit to traveling across the planet?

james823

You clearly haven't read this well.