Friend who is not in wedding party......

bells24412

I have a friend who really wants to be in my wedding party. However, I don't know her as long as everyone else who is in my party and all my attendents are already named for. What should I do? She is a good friend, but I can't have in my wedding but I would feel bad for hurting her feelings. Help? She keeps asking if all my attendents are already picked and I keep doging the question, but I really do feel bad if I hurt her feelings. How can I gently turn her down?

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5abb3219-cecd-45df-9c54-86dfa408b133Post:84e4b7f1-9fa0-4931-9dd0-f6ce638ad655">Friend who is not in wedding party......</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a friend who really wants to be in my wedding party. However, I don't know her as long as everyone else who is in my party and all my attendents are already named for. What should I do? She is a good friend, but I can't have in my wedding but I would feel bad for hurting her feelings. Help? She keeps asking if all my attendents are already picked and I keep doging the question, but I really do feel bad if I hurt her feelings. How can I gently turn her down?
Posted by bells24412[/QUOTE]
If you don't want her in the wedding, she doesn't have to be in the wedding.  Don't give her the talk about why she's not in the WP, and don't tell her that she isn't in the WP.  If she asks if she's in, just say, "I'm sorry but we've already picked the WP, and I wish we could have included everyone, but we had to draw the line somewhere, otherwise no one would be a guest!  We can' t wait to see you on the big day.  Hey, what did you think of Deathly Hallows?" <div>
</div><div>If she asks or pushes, she is in the wrong.  I personally think WP decisions are of the "don't ask, don't tell" variety--she shouldn't ask if she' in, and you shouldn't volunteer that she's not.</div><div>
</div><div>Additionally, if you haven't actually asked the WP yet, you can just say, "We are so far away from the wedding that we haven't decided yet."  I would actually recommend that since you are so far away and you don't want to paint yourself into a corner so early.</div>

megk8oz

Ditto Brooke, you really shouldn't pick your attendants until around 6-9 months before the wedding. It's okay to have people in mind right now, but you really should hold off on any actual asking until you're much closer to the actual wedding. And if anybody does ask (Even people you plan on including) if they're "in", just say "Oh, the wedding's way too far off to make a decision like that". Because, frankly, that's the truth: the wedding is too far off to make a decision like that.

Once you ask people, there are "no backsies". So if in a year, a girl that's your "absolute bestest friend in the whole wide world" right now starts avoiding you,  gets into a huge fight with you, or the friendship simply wanes and she's no longer somebody you'd like to include, you're still "stuck" with her and you don't get to "kick her out" of the WP without looking like a jerk. In a year, you might decide that you don't want a large WP. Or you could rekindle an old friendship with somebody that you wouldn't dream of including now, that you actually will want standing up with you. Or a million other scenarios.

I'm not saying these things don't happen to people who "wait it out" before committing to their WP ... but it happens a lot less often to people who wait, than those who ask everybody almost 2 years before the wedding.

Whatever you do, if you decide that this girl is most definitely not to be included, do not under any circumstances sit her down and give her a "this is why you're not a BM" speech ... there's no coming back from that conversation with your friendship completely in tact.

lalap69

If you've already asked your WP and she's not going to be a part of it, when she asks if you've picked your WP just tell her honestly "yes" and tell her who's in your party if she asks.  You don't need to dodge the question and you don't need to put her in your WP if you don't want to. 

You're so far out though that I really hope you haven't asked yet.  You might change your mind.  In which case, just tell her "oh I won't even begin to think about that until we're less than a year away.  The wedding's just so far off."

Beachy730

I don't think you should be choosing your WP based solely on how long you've known someone.  And I don't understand how "all your attendants are already named for."  You decide how many you have, and you don't need even numbers.  I don't at all think you need to have her as a BM, but if the only reason you aren't is for even numbers or because you haven't known her as long then I think those are BS reasons. 

trix1223

Is the reason that she can't be in your wedding party because of a number of attendants?

You can have as many or few attendants as you want, as can your FI.  WP's are not about symmetry.  If numbers weren't part of the equation here, would you ask her?

If the answer's yes, then ask her.  If the answer's no, then don't.

bells24412

Well thanks for everyone for the advice.
 
With the all retrospect of picking out pick out my WP I totally disagree. I don't have many close friends and in my opinion I believe the people who you are close with you would want in your WP. So I did just that.

The reason why i didn't want her in the wedding was of just the reason why I explained above. I believe that i want the my closest friends with me on my wedding day, and trust me it does bother me that she asks all the time if she is in the wedding party and I just simply tell her that i haven't picked anyone yet even though that is a total lie. It bothers me to lie to her but like everyone has explained i is rude of her to ask. 

TY for everyone's advice on what to say to her gives me some good ideas on what I may want to say to her.

bablingbrooke

The only reason you were advised to wait is that literally every day brides post on here that their BFF of 20 years or cousin or sister is no longer on speaking terms with them and how do they boot them from the WP.  They never thought they'd be in that situation.  Will it happen to you?  Probably not.  But why put yourself in that position?

aerinpegadrak

It's not just that relationships can change.  Your plans can change, too.  I say this as someone who had to entirely replan her wedding around the fact that her original budget went up in smoke and she still had 11 attendants that had already been asked. 

And it's hard for anyone, including yourself, to remain excited about the wedding for that long.  By the time it finally does roll around, you're all just burned out, and you're not going to see the same level of interest from your WP as you would have if you'd waited until closer to the wedding to start bringing other people in.  Again, I'm speaking from personal experience here.  One of my biggest regrets about my wedding is that I asked my WP so early, even though I'm still on good terms with all of them.

There really is no good reason to pick this early, and tons of reasons why it's a bad idea.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5abb3219-cecd-45df-9c54-86dfa408b133Post:d77499a6-fe70-4e4b-b0f5-01e8ea105ac1">Re: Friend who is not in wedding party......</a>:
[QUOTE]Well thanks for everyone for the advice.   With the all retrospect of picking out pick out my WP I totally disagree. I don't have many close friends and in my opinion I believe the people who you are close with you would want in your WP. So I did just that. The reason why i didn't want her in the wedding was of just the reason why I explained above. <strong>I believe that i want the my closest friends with me on my wedding day, and trust me it does bother me that she asks all the time if she is in the wedding party and I just simply tell her that i haven't picked anyone yet even though that is a total lie.</strong> It bothers me to lie to her but like everyone has explained i is rude of her to ask.  TY for everyone's advice on what to say to her gives me some good ideas on what I may want to say to her.
Posted by bells24412[/QUOTE]
I don't understand why you felt the need to lie, though.  Why not just say "yes, I asked x, y and z"?  It would make it clear that they're in your WP and she's not and would stop her asking again.

Also, you really can't disagree on whether or not you asked your WP too early until after your wedding.  You're still over a year and a half out.

asummerly

Is it possible that she's going to find out that you've asked your other BMs?  If you tell her that you haven't asked anyone yet, and she finds out that you lied, it could cause some hurt feelings, though she is definitely in the wrong for asking to be in the wedding. 

I think honesty is the best policy, and you should probably tell her that she is not going to be in the wedding.  I do think it is a bit early to be asking people to be in the wedding though.

FWIW, I wish I had waited asking my WP.  One of my BM had some big life-changing events that caused her to drop out of the wedding recently, and if I didn't ask so early, she wouldn't have committed.   

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5abb3219-cecd-45df-9c54-86dfa408b133Post:f79c6018-3acf-456f-9985-845d79250804">Re: Friend who is not in wedding party......</a>:
[QUOTE]Is it possible that she's going to find out that you've asked your other BMs?  If you tell her that you haven't asked anyone yet, and she finds out that you lied, it could cause some hurt feelings, though she is definitely in the wrong for asking to be in the wedding. <strong> I think honesty is the best policy, and you should probably tell her that she is not going to be in the wedding.  </strong>I do think it is a bit early to be asking people to be in the wedding though. FWIW, I wish I had waited asking my WP.  One of my BM had some big life-changing events that caused her to drop out of the wedding recently, and if I didn't ask so early, she wouldn't have committed.   
Posted by asummerly[/QUOTE]
There's no way of doing this without making her feel like crap.  I'm all for honesty, but only if asked directly.  I think if she tries to "head this off" by being honest, she will hurt feelings and turn this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.  It's hard for the conversation to not be received as, "You aren't good enough and here's why."  It's objectively mean.  There was a letter to Carolyn Hax last week about this and Carolyn tore the girl a new one, saying it was the meanest thing she could have done.  I'll try to find a link if you want but trust me, we're not the only ones who think that this is a bad idea.

asummerly

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_friend-not-wedding-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5abb3219-cecd-45df-9c54-86dfa408b133Post:a3d14106-11d1-486a-b140-84544d95e5ee">Re: Friend who is not in wedding party......</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Friend who is not in wedding party...... : There's no way of doing this without making her feel like crap.  <strong>I'm all for honesty, but only if asked directly.</strong>  I think if she tries to "head this off" by being honest, she will hurt feelings and turn this into a much bigger deal than it needs to be.  It's hard for the conversation to not be received as, "You aren't good enough and here's why."  It's objectively mean.  There was a letter to Carolyn Hax last week about this and Carolyn tore the girl a new one, saying it was the meanest thing she could have done.  I'll try to find a link if you want but trust me, we're not the only ones who think that this is a bad idea.
Posted by bablingbrooke[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I should have been more specific.  I wouldn't bring it up out of the blue.  I would wait to see if she asked again...because I would be avoiding this as much as possible.  If it were me though, I would rather be told the truth (if I brought it up again) than be lied to, and find out from someone else that the WP had actually already been chosen.

bablingbrooke

Gotcha.