Do we bring this up or let it go?

AL8098

After reading a few things on this website, I realize my FI and I might have looked for wedding advice a little too late as according to info on here, we may have asked people to be in our wedding too early.

Over the past month or so, it has been brought to our attention (many times) that several people who said that they would be in our wedding are regretting their decisions but none of these people have come to my FI and I directly to discuss this.

Is it wrong to want to address this in some way to the entire group?  And if it is possible does anyone have suggestions on how to go about it?  We have not asked anything of anyone yet as we are still a year out but would rather have people back out now before anyone starts spending money on dresses, tuxes, etc. if thats how they truly feel and be a guest at the wedding instead of having drama or ill feelings over the next year.  I honestly think if they were adult enough, they'd address it with us personally instead of constantly bringing the issue up to other people in the WP and other mutual friends.  My FI and I just don't know if we should let it go and hope for the best that everyone will just follow through to the end and show up on the big day or if there's a nice way to bring up the subject of backing out if thats truly what they want to do.  What do you think?

AL8098

Well there are two girls that have been making comments about having no interest in being in "another wedding" although ours is the only one they are in next year.  We've also heard that they are complaining about money but like I said, we have not asked anything of anyone.  For my girls, all I'm hoping they'll do is buy a dress and it'd be nice to have a night out.  I'm paying for everything else and refuse to have a wedding shower b/c to me they seem like a waste of money.  Now we are hearing about a guy thats mad he's "only an usher" and is talking he doesn't want to be a part of the day either.

My FI and I aren't mad, just would like this figured out before we do start asking things of the people in the wedding.  I'd hate to have a guy rent a tux only for the girls to change their mind or we are trying to schedule our transportation and if we are going to have fewer people, it'd be nice to know.  I just don't know if we should somehow address this generally with the whole group or just hope for the best. 

bablingbrooke

Don't bring up the wedding for awhile.  When you get to approximately the 6 month mark, which is when the WP stuff really kicks off, approach dress shopping.  If they aren't interested at that time, they'll tell you.  But peoples' feelings can change a lot between now and then, so no need to have "the talk" about it.  If they were in several weddings this summer they may feel a little tapped out and want a break, but after wedding season ends and they have a few months they may feel very differently.  Basically I just think it's too early to judge how they're going to feel in a year.

Plus, how do you know that they actually said this?  I don't think it's right to betray confidences, which it sounds like whoever told you this is doing.  Until you get it from the horse's mouth, don't assume it's 100% true.  They may be venting, they may be overwhelmed with expenses right now, you just don't know.  If they want to drop out, I'd assume they'd pick up the phone and tell you so, right?  So as long as everyone acts like an  adult (them and you), stay the course.

ETA: If you heard this from someone NOT in the WP, be extra suspicious.  I've seen instances on these boards where a non-WP friend told the bride that others didn't want to be in the wedding, when it turned out it wasn't the case, the "friend" was just trying to stir up drama or punish the bride for not asking her to be in the wedding.  Sometimes girls do this so the bride will kick the other BMs out and ask them to be in the wedding (sad, no?).  Could something like that be going on here?

aerinpegadrak

Ditto Brooke 100%.  Unless they approach you and express doubts about being in the wedding, presume they're still planning to stand up for you.

quotequeen

I'd hate to have a guy rent a tux only for the girls to change their mind

I don't understand what this means.  What does a guy renting his tux have to do with the girls?  Each individual person will decide if he or she is willing to be in the wedding, and won't go rent a tux or buy a dress if s/he's not.  So just make sure you discuss each person's budget individually before you decide on attire and keep it in mind.  If people really do want to drop out, they will.  It's not worth stressing about now.  You don't need to rent your transportation yet, or if you do, you'll have plenty of time to decrease the size of the limo later, or whatever.

bablingbrooke

Ditto QQ.  If some of your BMs drop out, do NOT kick out a GM to keep the sides even (see post below yours called "Is this a good reason to boot a BM?" where someone lost a friend over WP symmetry.  Symmetry is not required in a WP, and many people (including many who frequent this board) did not have even sides.

Beachy730

It is hard to go by what other people tell you.  How long ago did you ask the people to be in your WP? 

The only way I could see you possibly approaching the subject without coming across as rude is maybe by email.  If you asked your WP several months ago, you could send an email to each one individually, not as a group.  I would say something like "We just wanted to catch up with you a little about the wedding plans.  I know we asked people very early to be in our WP, and many times people's situations change and they may no longer be able to attend the wedding or want to be in it.  We of course would love for you to be in our wedding, we just want to make sure it is still something you want or are able to do." 

I still don't know though.  If I got that email I might think they wanted me out of the wedding and were hoping I said i couldn't afford it.  But its the only thing I can think of that would maybe be okay to do.  Definitely don't approach any of them saying "I heard from this person that you don't want to be in the wedding," or anything else like that. 

mbcdefg

The danger with making a statement like, "You don't have to be in my wedding if you don't want to," is that some people might take that as you trying to nudge them out of your bridal party.

So ditto PPs ... unless they come to you directly, keep quiet about this. Especially since you heard this info secondhand. It might be partly or totally untrue.

Like Babling said, around 6-8 month mark, you can contact each of them for their dress budgets and then start looking for a dress in their price range. If they have concerns, then they will bring it up with you. As long as you ask them about their budgets before you select a dress, then it's not your problem if they decide later on that they don't want to be in the party. (It WOULD be your fault if you just set a budget and expected them all to afford it. Even if you consider it "reasonable." It may not be reasonable to them, so let THEM tell you what is reasonable.)

If someone drops out, go on with whoever you have left. Don't round up replacements, and don't kick people out. You don't need even numbers. You are honoring friends, so numbers do not matter.