How do i kick out a bridesmaid??

zetaturt

One of bridesmaid's keeps telling me that she is too busy to try on dresses.  I have also recently had surgery and was in the hospital for almost a week.  Not one time did she call, text, or come visit me.  My other BM and MOH came to see me and called almost every day to check on me.  Looking back, I probably should have asked my cousin to be a BM instead of this girl.  Any suggestions on what I should do?  The other thing is that her parent's and my parent's are good friends.  So, I wan't to handle  this tactfully and not be rude about.  Help!

LD1970

Your problem is that the only way to kick out a bridesmaid is rudely.  There's NO good way, sorry.  There just isn't.  Any way you try it, you'll be ruining whatever friendship you've got and endangering your parents' friendship with her parents.  It's not worth it.  Keep her and don't expect anything from her.  

If she can't try on dresses, let the other bridesmaids try on & pick dresses and she'll get stuck with whatever she gets stuck with.  It happened to me once, and I really DID care about my friend, the bride.  I just couldn't make it down to central Jersey when they were going shopping.  Well, they picked the most hideous dress in the store, no joke.  So I went and bought it and wore it; I didn't get to go shopping and voice my opinion, so I sucked it up and wore the damned thing.  So will she.

Or if you're feeling REALLY generous, you can let everyone wear different dresses and just tell her designer/color/length/fabric and let her go pick her own on her own time.

saisongbird

You can't.  Read the FAQ at the top of the page.

Seriously, though, while it may be sh*tty that she hasn't called to check on you because that's what good friends do, you can't kick her out for that.  The two things are entirely unrelated and you're asking for apples when we're trying to make orange juice.

If she doesn't get the dress, while yes, it sucks, she has effectively removed herself from the wedding.  Just tell her when the final date to get the dress without a rush fee is, and then tell her the final date to get hte dress WITH a rush fee.  Then it's on her.

As for wanting to kick her out, the bigger lesson here is that if you can't figure out a nice way to do something rude and tacky, then guess what?  It probably IS rude and tacky and you shouldn't do it.

bablingbrooke

You don't.  I won't defend what your friend did, but your knee-jerk reaction ought to be, "My friend and I need to talk," not, "This biitch needs out of my wedding."  This is not remotely related to the wedding, so don't relate the two.  Focus on the friendship.

graysquirrel

To kick someone out of one's wedding is to pretty much end that friendship. I've never heard of such a thing ending well. I'm sorry you were in the hospital, but pp is right-- it has nothing to do with being a BM. Being a bridesmaid isn't a conditional thing based on how good of a friend one is after you've asked them to be in the party. Yes, a nice thing to do would have been to check on you, but that has nothing to do with being a BM. It almost sounds like a way to punish her, like when people take priviledges away from maughty kids.  Now, if your BM is a flake and doesn't get the dress, that is her loss and she sholdn't have said yes to you. She'll have to deal with paying extra for her dress later and will miss the fun of picking it out with you.

AdeleDazeem

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e0343dc-f346-4356-b184-a63e021d79ccPost:9f252c78-2f80-417f-9164-2aed3f8ffed2">How do i kick out a bridesmaid??</a>:
[QUOTE]One of bridesmaid's keeps telling me that she is too busy to try on dresses.
Posted by zetaturt[/QUOTE]

Your bridesmaid's shoe?  Your bridesmaid's phone?  Your bridesmaid's attitude?

Oh, you meant: bridesmaids.

And you can't kick her out unless she tries to sleep with your fiance.  If you happen to build a circumstance into your life where she tries to do such a thing (get your other bridesmaids to help you plan it), then by all means, go ahead.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e0343dc-f346-4356-b184-a63e021d79ccPost:9f252c78-2f80-417f-9164-2aed3f8ffed2">How do i kick out a bridesmaid??</a>:
[QUOTE]One of bridesmaid's keeps telling me that she is too busy to try on dresses.  I have also recently had surgery and was in the hospital for almost a week.  Not one time did she call, text, or come visit me.  My other BM and MOH came to see me and called almost every day to check on me.  Looking back, I probably should have asked my cousin to be a BM instead of this girl.  Any suggestions on what I should do?  The other thing is that her parent's and my parent's are good friends.  So, I wan't to handle  this tactfully and not be rude about.  Help!
Posted by zetaturt[/QUOTE]

This isn't a BM issue, this is a friend issue. Look at what she's done in the context of your friendship, not your wedding. I'd be pretty pissed if I was in the hospital and one of my good friends didn't visit, but at the same time does she work a lot? Is she going to school? Does she have kids? I'd focus on those that did come and visit me while I was at the hospital more than those that didn't, because that number would be far greater than those that did.

You can't kick her out because of what you've stated above. I agree with Brooke, your knee jerk reaction to this situation, or any situation between now and the wedding, shouldn't be "can I kick her out?", it should be "maybe I should see if something is going on in her life right now." Take the wedding out of it, and if you truly want to end the friendship because she's a horrible friend (which based on the above, I don't think qualifies), then end the friendship, but you can't kick her out of the wedding and expect her to want to be friends with you. Don't let one day ruin years of friendship. Remember you'll need your friends throughout your Marriage, not just your wedding.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e0343dc-f346-4356-b184-a63e021d79ccPost:9f252c78-2f80-417f-9164-2aed3f8ffed2">How do i kick out a bridesmaid??</a>:
[QUOTE]One of bridesmaid's keeps telling me that she is too busy to try on dresses.  I have also recently had surgery and was in the hospital for almost a week.  Not one time did she call, text, or come visit me.  My other BM and MOH came to see me and called almost every day to check on me.  Looking back, I probably should have asked my cousin to be a BM instead of this girl. <strong> Any suggestions on what I should do? </strong> The other thing is that her parent's and my parent's are good friends.  So, I wan't to handle  this tactfully and not be rude about.  Help!
Posted by zetaturt[/QUOTE]


Suck it up. Seriously. You asked her to be in your WP, and there a "no backsies" on that.

Unless she's tried to sleep with your FI or light your wedding dress on fire she actually hasn't done anything that would justify you kicking her out of your WP. It sucks that she hasn't made time for you lately, but it's quite possible she's got her own, personal, stuff going on right now and just doesn't have the time. Have you actually tried checking in with her to see how she's doing lately? And no, calling to make dress appointments does not count as "checking in".

However, if you really feel that you absolutely must boot her, then you can only do so if you are 1000% okay with the fact that your friendship will most likely not survive you doing so, and the fact that most of your mutual friends will assume that you were just being a controlling Bridezilla. Sorry, but unless she really did do something that could actually ruin your life (And not going dress shopping or visiting you in the hospital is hardly "life ruining"), pretty much any story you give will be translated as "My wedding is way more important to me than my friendships".

And the fact that this girl's parent are good friends with your parents? Yeah, there's not way you get to kick her out and still look good. In fact, in your particular scenario, you not only put destroying your friendship at risk, but you put your entire family's relationship with her family at risk. And her not being in the mood to go dress shopping or being too busy to visit you just is not worth that kind of damage.

MyNameIsNot

There is no tactful way to do such a nasty thing.  She was important enough that you asked her.  If you are having friendship issues, address them exclusive of the wedding.  Your parents' relationship with her parents would make you look like an even bigger asshole if you tried to kick her out.  

If you excluded your cousin because of even sides, you already told her that you care more about numbers than about her, so that ship has sailed.  You could ask her now, but she'll know she's an afterthought.

For the dress, if you are insisting on matching dresses, once you've gotten her budget, pick the dress and give her a deadline to order.  If she doesn't want to try it on, she forfeits the opportunity to have input.  

budde022

I personally was kicked out of a wedding party. I was one of the bridesmaids in a good friend of mine's wedding. I still don't understand why I was kicked out. She said it was because I didn't have enough time for her and I didn't have enough money. I don't understand this because I went to everything, the Maid of Honor didn't go to any of it. I had already paid for my dress, the slip, the sash, and the shoes. Anyway, her kicking me out of the wedding ruined our friendship. We never spoke again. I would just think twice before you do something like that. You may not like the decision that you made but you did make it for a reason and if  you really want your cousin to be in it now there is no reason why you can't just add her.

bablingbrooke

Budde, thank you for sharing that.  I think too often brides overlook what happens to the friendship.  I'm sorry your friend did that to you

tldh

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e0343dc-f346-4356-b184-a63e021d79ccPost:3137b0de-a76f-4f8c-a90a-9f261b863734">Re: How do i kick out a bridesmaid??</a>:
[QUOTE]I personally was kicked out of a wedding party. I was one of the bridesmaids in a good friend of mine's wedding. I still don't understand why I was kicked out. She said it was because I didn't have enough time for her and I didn't have enough money. I don't understand this because I went to everything, the Maid of Honor didn't go to any of it. I had already paid for my dress, the slip, the sash, and the shoes. Anyway, her kicking me out of the wedding ruined our friendship. We never spoke again. I would just think twice before you do something like that. You may not like the decision that you made but you did make it for a reason and if  you really want your cousin to be in it now there is no reason why you can't just add her.
Posted by budde022[/QUOTE]

Budde - stick around.  You were treated shabbily and are in a great position to warn other brides or comfort BMs who are being treated badly.  I am so sorry this happened to you.  There is never an excuse good enough for this except maybe trying to seduce the B or G or something that involved a police arrest.

@ anyone who thinks this board is mean or rude: For future reference, this is why we are blunt.  We don't know you (the bride) so sparing your "gentle" feelings isn't our concern.  Your guests, WP, moms, etc.'s feeling are what we are concerned with.

aerinpegadrak

There's no nice way to do something so inherently rude.  It's like trying to find a nice way to kick someone in the balls.  It doesn't matter if you butter them up and try to be as sweet about it as possible, the recipient is going to be hurt and is probably going to hate you for a long time.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e0343dc-f346-4356-b184-a63e021d79ccPost:a488261f-1417-48c9-bbcd-fdcbe2153403">Re: How do i kick out a bridesmaid??</a>:
[QUOTE]It will probably end your friendship, but <strong>whats a good wedding without a little drama</strong>?? If you don't feel right about it, fix the situation to your liking. Just be aware of the consequenses.
Posted by stephasuasu[/QUOTE]
Umm, a better wedding?  The people who actually enjoy drama are not the kind I enjoy associating with.

LD1970

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_kick-out-bridesmaid-3?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e0343dc-f346-4356-b184-a63e021d79ccPost:f2f4b731-bde6-4d94-9632-f834d2f19782">Re: How do i kick out a bridesmaid??</a>:
[QUOTE]There's no nice way to do something so inherently rude.  It's like trying to find a nice way to kick someone in the balls.  It doesn't matter if you butter them up and try to be as sweet about it as possible, the recipient is going to be hurt and is probably going to hate you for a long time.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]
You made me snort.  :D

budde022

zetaturt,
I am just wondering what you decided to do. The whole situation i had where i was kicked out of the wedding party happened a year and a half ago and i still haven't really let it go. I know i shouldn't be upset about it still and its not like i spend time thinking about it but when i see things like this it still upsets me. I considered the bride to be my best friend. Maybe you should talk to this bridesmaid before you decide to do anything and tell her how you feel.