Shower/brunch (long)

suz62984

Hi ladies... after returning from vacation, a busy work week, and no internet connection at home I feel the need to seriously Knot today! So this my confusing wedding thing that materialized over the past week. I don't know the etiquette on this so i'm not sure if I should leave it alone or not.

A friend of FMIL wanted to throw us a couples shower. FI and I didn't have a free weekend when they did so they decided to do a morning of wedding brunch for OOT guests, WP and close family. When FMIL told me about this I said that I had been planning to have brunch with my mom and some BMs and that I would not be able to attend. The host said that attendance was not mandatory for the bride, but FMIL thought it nice if I could come for 20 mins. The plan was too cancel my plans and attend the shower for 20 mins even though I told her I would rather they not do this on the day of the wedding.

Over the past week things got a little hairy. The friend now wants to just stick little cards in FMIL's rehearsal invitations as her brunch invite. That's a money saver so I understand but she wants to change our rehearsal dinner guest list to do so. After talking to FMIL, I realized that she hadn't asked for any of my family's addresses for the brunch; OOT family or close family. She said that the "In honor of the couple" was just for show and that my family could not be accommodated. "This really isn't for you, its for the OOT people." The only OOT people invited are some of her family and friends though. If advertised for the couple I feel that my mom, OOT family, etc should at least be invited and given the chance to RSVP. Some of these people will be at the rehearsal dinner so i'm sure they will find out about the brunch they weren't invited to the next day before the wedding. 

I don't know about etiquette here. Should I lobby for my family to come or just leave it alone? I'd rather they not do anything (yes I told them this but they planned anyway). At a shower a few weeks ago the friend/host told me that she was planning the brunch for Paul and I and couldn't wait to see us there. I guess I'm expected to show up now but if my family "can't be accommodated" I don't feel that I really have to go? Thoughts?

tldh

Maybe it's just me, but I'd be more upset that they are planning that on the wedding day.  I know I will have enough going on and don't need to be bothered with being the charming attraction for my FIL's friends.

trix1223

I think I wouldn't want to be obligated to attend anything other than my hair appointment on the morning of the wedding.

I think it's rude not to include anyone from your family in a pre-wedding event.  At the very least, your parents/grandparents/siblings should be included.

I think I'd find a way to decline the 'honor" of this event.

She's welcome to hold a get together, but it shouldn't be tied into the wedding or list you and your FI in any way.

gottahavashorti

I would just let them know that you and your FI will be unable to attend and leave it at that.

MIL wanted to do something similar - after the wedding, she wanted to go to dinner with "the family" because she was unhappy that our wedding was a heavy cocktail reception rather than a sit down dinner and our reception wasn't long enough because it would be over by dinner time.  We had no desire to do this since we were having an after party and it felt like tiering the reception to me.  We were pretty certain that by "the family" she meant her extended family - not FIL's family, step-SILs or my family and extended family.  And even if she did, at that point it would have meant half the guests at our lunchtime wedding would have been at the dinner.

Ultimately she ended up having the dinner at a really nice restaurant over 30 minutes away for her family and inviting only FIL and not step-SILs.  FIL declined and older BIL who said he'd be drunk at the wedding and after party where all of our mutual friends would be didn't get drunk and skipped the after party entirely.

She showed DH some paper a few days after the wedding and I saw our names and hte name of a really nice restaurant in Baltimore and thought huh, is she giving us a nice dinner as a wedding present?  That would be really awesome.  Looked closer, she was showing off the menu for the dinner she hosted after the wedding to him.  It said "in honor of Gotta FI and Gotta."  Um, no, that was not in honor of us.  In fact, we wanted nothing to do with it because we felt that it was rude to the rest of our families and friends.

Er, sorry about that rant.  But basically, I'd decline.  Since it's just for part of the OOT guests and the day of the wedding, it doesn't seem right to me.

waltzingmatilda13

I wouldn't plan anything for the morning of your wedding that doesn't involve beauty appointments. Your MILs idea is ridiculous for this reason alone. If she wants to have all her family get together for brunch, then let her do it. But make sure that she's knows you're not involved in any way and she can't put the invites in the RD invitations.

quotequeen

You can't stop her from hosting a brunch for her family and friends who are in town the day of the wedding.  Plenty of people get together with those they know before or after the wedding.

You can, however, decline to attend.

suz62984

Good to know it isn't just me that thought this was strange. I think I will just decline and leave that morning open for appointments. I didn't want to be rude or bridezilla for not showing, but I also didn't want to have to get up, get dressed, go exhaust myself by chatting with people I don't know, and then actually doing the wedding stuff. I just felt like it was a lot for that day.

Trix: I've said something about having her send out her own invitations for the brunch since it isn't really a brunch/shower for us; however they really want to tie it into wedding events and send it with the rehearsal dinner invites. I just don't know how else I can bring it up without being a biotch.

gottahavashorti

Can you offer to address the rehearsal dinner invites yourself so you can make sure all of your family's info is correct, and slip the brunch invites into separate envelopes while you're at it?

tldh

There's no reason to not send a separate invite.  My thank you notes are cardstock with a "happily ever after" stamp at the top (Paper Source and Michaels have a great selection for any occasion.)

I can't imagine it's going to save so much money that it is worth messing with the RD guest list. 

suz62984

Gotta - I offered to handle the addresses, etc. however FMIL wants full control over it. I did send her an email explaining that FI and I only wanted WP and close family at the rehearsal dinner. If they do the invitations as they plan right now they will also need to invite extended family for FI...but not bride's side...and OOT friends of FMIL/FFIL...but not MOB OOT friends. It would only be saving $15-$20 on stamps and cheap invites?!?!

tldh

Suz -

please tell me your FI is also voicing his objections to HIS mother.

suz62984

He didn't really know any of this until last night. He offered to talk to her and straighten this all out. At the moment I told him to leave it alone because I wasn't sure what to say yet. He is very good about standing up for me though...thank goodness! 

gottahavashorti

Wait, they'd be inviting your FI's family to the RD and not yours?  We had issues with that as well...

Let your mom in on what's happening, give her FMIL's phone number, grab some popcorn and let them battle it out.

suz62984

No, they would be inviting my close family and their close family to the RD; however FI's extended family would be added to the RD list because they get a brunch invite. My extended family wouldn't be invited to the RD.  Now the kicker - All of their family would get an enclosure card stating that they were invited to an "In honor of the couple brunch" but none of my family would get this enclosure card in their RD invites. Someone will be talking about it at the RD and all of my close family will be wondering why they weren't invited.

MairePoppy

That was presumptuous of the friend to schedule anything for you the morning of your wedding. If they want to get together with your fils for brunch, that's fine, but they shouldn't include those invitations with the RD invitations, since your family isn't included. And the invitations should not read that the brunch is in your honor.

Your fi should talk to his mom and let her know how offensive this is.

Beachy730

Have your FI tell your FMIL that neither of you will be attending any morning of events.  It is absurd to me that anyone would think you would.  If FI wants to go, say that you aren't going because you think its bad luck to see eachother before the ceremony.  As for the invites though, FI needs to get involved.  If the brunch inserts are being put inside the RD inserts, then they should be put inside all of them.  And it should not be written "in honor of the bride and groom."  Also, if she is inviting her extended family then it would be nice for her to do the same for yours.  Since you are saying it would only be an extra $20, why don't you buy the invites and stamps for the brunch and give them to MIL.  That way she has no excuse. 

Regarding the guest list, she is not required to invite anyone, so its fine if they are only doing FI's family.  But they need to make that known, or as you said, it would come up at the RD, especially if they think it is something the B & G are attending.  But you need to make FI talk about this with her, as she will probably listen to her more than you.

suz62984

DNbeach - that's a good idea. I'll suggest paying for the invitations and postage for the brunch!

gottahavashorti

Oops, yes, I meant extended family.  Has your FI talked to his mom about this yet?  Is he planning on g oing to the brunch?

suz62984

He hasn't talked to her because I asked him not too yet. I was a little thrown off by all this and wasn't sure if I were overreacting or not. He actually said "I'm not sure about the etiquette here. Why don't you ask your knotties and let me know what they say about all this?"  It's offical...we now talk about the knotties in everyday conversation.   

He just kinda goes with the flow. When I first planned on going he said that he would drop in too but I know he doesn't want to attend. I also know that he will forget all about it unless I remind him of it.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_showerbrunch-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e3eb374-8790-44eb-ba0d-626357dfa23ePost:3312c878-83b6-4a1f-a698-41a65110c82b">Shower/brunch (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi ladies... after returning from vacation, a busy work week, and no internet connection at home I feel the need to seriously Knot today! So this my confusing wedding thing that materialized over the past week. I don't know the etiquette on this so i'm not sure if I should leave it alone or not. A friend of FMIL wanted to throw us a couples shower. FI and I didn't have a free weekend when they did so they decided to do a morning of wedding brunch for OOT guests, WP and close family. When FMIL told me about this I said that I had been planning to have brunch with my mom and some BMs and that I would not be able to attend. The host said that attendance was not mandatory for the bride, but FMIL thought it nice if I could come for 20 mins. The plan was too cancel my plans and attend the shower for 20 mins even though I told her I would rather they not do this on the day of the wedding. Over the past week things got a little hairy. The friend now wants to just stick little cards in FMIL's rehearsal invitations as her brunch invite. That's a money saver so I understand but she wants to change our rehearsal dinner guest list to do so. After talking to FMIL, I realized that she hadn't asked for any of my family's addresses for the brunch; OOT family or close family. She said that the "In honor of the couple" was just for show and that my family could not be accommodated. "This really isn't for you, its for the OOT people." The only OOT people invited are some of her family and friends though. If advertised for the couple I feel that my mom, OOT family, etc should at least be invited and given the chance to RSVP. Some of these people will be at the rehearsal dinner so i'm sure they will find out about the brunch they weren't invited to the next day before the wedding.  I don't know about etiquette here. Should I lobby for my family to come or just leave it alone? I'd rather they not do anything (yes I told them this but they planned anyway). At a shower a few weeks ago the friend/host told me that she was planning the brunch for Paul and I and couldn't wait to see us there. I guess I'm expected to show up now but if my family "can't be accommodated" I don't feel that I really have to go? Thoughts?
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

This sounds like a big head ache and a big pain.  People get too crazy with weddings.  The guests I mean.  Sometimes I wish they would back off and stop getting so excited and wanting to throw brunches etc, but they do it anyway so you can't help it. 

It's def not convenient to have it on the morning of the wedding.  You will be busy and so anxious and nervous and probably would not want to be around all those people (other than your mom and bridesmaids) so really you do not need to attend. 

You FMIL should stop making you feel obligated to go for 20 minutes.  20 minutes is not realistic.  Wherever this brunch will be at, you still have to drive there, and then people will end up talking to you and asking questions and bugging you and making it hard for you to bolt out the door. 

It's really causing a little rift on your day when you are supposed to just relax and be calm on your big day.  The brunch IMO is too much excitement than I would want on the wedding morning where you need to just relax and prepare for the ceremony.

Also, I think it's ridiculous to send the brunch invites in the RD invites.  I'm sorry, but this lady can't afford her own indivdual invitation and stamps??   

I don't know if I am the only one, but my first instinct when you said that the lady is not inviting your family, I thought, "Why would she?"  It's not a formal event.  It's just a brunch.  This lady is a friend of your FMIL.  Your family won't be offended.  They don't even know these people.  Do they?

They will probably have their own brunch or something.  Who says they will even find out about it?  No one had a brunch when I got married.  It's a little chaotic getting everyone together to have brunch before the wedding.  It's easier for people to do their own thing and not be bothered with all that.

This lady wants to invite the people she knows.. I know she knows the mother of the groom but I am still confused why she would even want to throw this whole brunch thing unless she knows the mother of the grooms family well enough to want to host a brunch for them?

suz62984

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_showerbrunch-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e3eb374-8790-44eb-ba0d-626357dfa23ePost:1ade0a89-6920-42b4-93d1-4848354d487f">Re: Shower/brunch (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Shower/brunch (long) :     I don't know if I am the only one, but my first instinct when you said that the lady is not inviting your family, I thought, "Why would she?"  It's not a formal event.  It's just a brunch.  This lady is a friend of your FMIL.  Your family won't be offended.  They don't even know these people.  Do they? Posted by PeonyPrincesskdd[/QUOTE]

The only reason I was confused by this is that is was originally "sold to us" as a brunch for close family, close friends, wedding party, and OOT guests. However, she only wanted to include the OOT guests for their side of the family and their friends after finding out that I had OOT family too. Still not a big deal... until they started wanting to advertise it as "In honor of the couple". You can't have something in honor of the bride and groom if the bride's side, or at least a few people(MOB, grandmother, brother), "can't be accommodated." The way all this came off was pretty snotty; it came off as our side is better than yours so it really bugged me.

Edit: No, the friend doesn't know FI's family. She hasn't ever met them because they live in another state from her. FMIL and friend are both 2 hours away from brunch/wedding site. Friend has thrown FMIL into planning all of this unfortunately. So all of the invitation of Fi's side, but not the bride's side is coming from FMIL, not a random friend. The other problem was inviting his family through the RD invitations which will also be going out to my family. If someone says anything about "The Wedding Day Brunch tomorrow" it might offend someone who isn't invited.

PeonyPrincesskdd

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_showerbrunch-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e3eb374-8790-44eb-ba0d-626357dfa23ePost:9e610fb8-2840-4df7-8cb9-434c73226795">Re: Shower/brunch (long)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Shower/brunch (long) : The only reason I was confused by this is that is was originally "sold to us" as a brunch for close family, close friends, wedding party, and OOT guests. However, she only wanted to include the OOT guests for their side of the family and their friends after finding out that I had OOT family too. Still not a big deal... until they started wanting to advertise it as "In honor of the couple". You can't have something in honor of the bride and groom if the bride's side, or at least a few people(MOB, grandmother, brother), "can't be accommodated." The way all this came off was pretty snotty; it came off as our side is better than yours so it really bugged me. Edit: No, the friend doesn't know FI's family. She hasn't ever met them because they live in another state from her. FMIL and friend are both 2 hours away from brunch/wedding site. Friend has thrown FMIL into planning all of this unfortunately. So all of the invitation of Fi's side, but not the bride's side is coming from FMIL, not a random friend. The other problem was inviting his family through the RD invitations which will also be going out to my family. If someone says anything about "The Wedding Day Brunch tomorrow" it might offend someone who isn't invited.
Posted by suz62984[/QUOTE]

Yeah that was kind of weird for them to keep telling you it's a brunch for close family and OOT guests but didn't tell you that they meant HIS family and HIS OOT guests. 

Then it can't and shouldn't be a brunch to honor the both of you.  The wedding is what honors you.  The brunch is just something the rest of them will be doing.  They really can't advertise it as a brunch to honor you and esp if you don't plan on even going.

Also, I agree with the whole invitation thing.  They need to do separate invites. 

honeybunches101

The biggest issue for me would be that MIL/her friend wants to invite members of their extended family to the rehearsal dinner, but not invite your extended family.  It'll be the WP, your immediate family, and all of FI's extended family? Maybe it would be ok to include a brunch invite with the RD invites for the few people who were already invited to the RD, but it makes NO sense to invite lots more people to the rehersal dinner just because they're also invited to the brunch. Even if MIL is paying for the RD, it should be balanced.

It is definitely strange for the brunch to be 'in honor of the couple' if the couple doesn't actually plan to attend (and I think you should plan to not attend), but it's not a huge deal.  I wouldn't worry too much about the brunch just being for FI's family, you won't be there so it's not a snub to your family, just his family doing their own thing.

deb84

I would kindly explain that your wedding morning is going to very busy for you and the wedding party already and that while you really appriciate the offer it just isn't going to work out.  Be firm.  Also, if this person decides to host a brunch anyway it should have nothing to do with you or FI.  The invitations should not have you names on them anywhere and they can be sent to whomever this person decides to invite.  The invites SHOULD NOT go out in the rehersal dinner invitations!  Be firm.  This is not a good idea.  It will cause you day to be longer and more stressful and will hurt feelings since not everyone will be invited.  if you have to explain THAT to the person offering to host. They SHOULD be understanding.