Maid of Honor Question

jennifer.mchugh

I'm sorry for the long post but i feel i need to fully explain things in order to get a proper answer or advice. i really appreciate anyone who reads this all and helps with a thought or suggestion.

Here goes - I have a friend, (call her friend A), and we've been best friends since elementry school. After high school we drifted apart, but ran into each other again about 8 yrs ago - and have been keeping in touch regulary since. She also calls me her best friend. She's not yet engaged, but when she does get married she's stated that I am her best friend and I would (of course) be her maid of honor. I would without a doubt pick her as my maid of honor, however....

My other best friend, (friend , I was good friends with in highschool, never very close until recently. About 4 years ago, I was a victem of assault, I had severe PTSD and didn't leave the house for over a year. It took about two years to fully recover and get back to "normal" life. During this time friend B was with me every step of the way. Perhaps it started because she lived closest and was able to get to me easiest, but she spent countless hours helping me cope, and keeping my head above water during some of my darkest hours.

The first girl, friend A, I know she cares, but i think she has problems with feelings, talking about feelings, she wont cry in front of people, stuff like that. I think she wanted to be with me during this time but instead she avoided me and kept away. when i asked her later on why she had acted this way - she said she was scared and didn't know what to do so she did nothing. She said she couldn't handle the problem so she ignored it.

Now that things are back to "normal" friend A expects to be my maid of honor, and i definately want and need her there by my side, but friend B and i have grown so close, it's almost like a sisterly bond.

Friend A is the angry type, if she's not the maid of honor, she would either not come to the wedding or show up and be grouchy the whole time. If friend B is not, she's sweet enough not to fuss over it, but i know in her heart, she would be sad, and honestly so would i.

i thought about having two maid of honors (neither are married so i can't do one maid and one matron) expect that i only have 3 close girlfriends. i can't have maid of honor #1, maid of honor #2, and then the third girl just a bridesmaid, that's like saying "i like you, but not as much as these other two girls."

So - what do I do? Should i get more bridesmaids? The two girls dont hate each other but also dont really like each other, and both are waiting for me to "pick" one of them. i feel like even if i do chose both they'll still be upset. i feel like i'm back in highschool because i dont want to be forced to pick a side.

okay - thoughts? comments? questions? thanks to everyone who read this!!!

garcias1

PP is a good suggestion.  Also, the fact that Friend A said you will be her MOH shouldn't hold too much weight in your decision.  Things change, and even if you make Friend A your MOH, she may not make you MOH in her wedding due to changing circumstances or what have you.  So don't feel guilt tripped based on that statement.

From an outsider's perspective (and only based on what you said in this post), it seems like Friend B has really gone the distance for you.  I would probably ask Friend B to be my MOH if I was in your position, but that's just my opinion.  Good luck with whatever you decide.

lalap69

I was also going to suggest just not having a MOH.

Though honestly, it sounds like you really want to make friend B your MOH.  If friend A is really your friend, she should understand.

Manwaithiel

Skip the MOH. It's not a requirement and if one's going to throw a hissy fit while the other one just sort of inwardly gets upset about it, I would just avoid it altogether.

"I couldn't possibly choose between the three of you. I would have all 3 of you as MOHs otherwise!"

ehathewa

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-question-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e4a7e24-65ee-47c3-b6d2-bf1365f1d34ePost:69d01594-6e5d-44ac-b28c-ff6ba850716e">Re: Maid of Honor Question</a>:
[QUOTE]Skip the MOH. It's not a requirement and if one's going to throw a hissy fit while the other one just sort of inwardly gets upset about it, I would just avoid it altogether. "I couldn't possibly choose between the three of you. I would have all 3 of you as MOHs otherwise!"
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]

So smart :)

deb84

I agree with PP.  It sounds like you REALLY want friend B to be your MOH, but to avoid the drama I'd just have bridesmaids.  Have one stand closest to you, have one sign the marriage license and have the third give a toast at the reception.  Boom, everyone is happy.

aerinpegadrak

You can also privately give Friend B an extra gift of appreciation to show her how much it means that she's stuck by you through everything.  That would probably be a less drama-prone way of honoring her.

vixey

I agree with PPs that it sounds like you would really prefer friend B to be your MOH, but your'e afraid of friend A's reaction.  Don't pick friend A just to appease her, it sounds like friend B really has been a better friend.

That being said, the best solution is probably to have no MOHs and split up any wedding tasks MOHs usually have on that day.

LD1970

My knee jerk reaction was also to say just have three bridesmaids & no MOH.

I do want to give a slightly different perspective, though.  I know it hurts you that A wasn't there for you the way you needed her to be after your assault, but some people really just become paralyzed in certain situations.  It sounds from what you said like that's what happened to A.  Yes, B was stronger and stepped up for you, but that doesn't necessarily make her the better friend - just the better one to have around in those circumstances.  A may have loved you just as much as ever and have been dying to be able to help you... but just couldn't because of the type of person she is.

I'm just not sure after all the years of friendship that I'd penalize her for the way she's built, which is something over which she's got no control.

Am I making sense?

orangecrush32

I like the idea that pp gave of no MOH. Definitely the drama-free choice. But if you really want a MOH, then choose the friend you really want to be MOH, not the one that'll whine if she isn't. And who knows, if you choose friend B for MOH friend A might actually be understanding.

In the end, choose what's going to make you happy. (And don't let friend A's "well you're going to be my MOH one day" statement effect you at all. You don't owe it to her because she promised one day you'd be her MOH.)

DanielleZZ

I agree with other PPs suggestions but if you really want to have one MOH than I would pick friend B. 

I (kind of like you) suffered through years of serious depression, bipolar disorder, and anxiety disorder.  During these years I had a lot of friends "back off" (maybe like your friend A) I now understand that they just didnt know what to do and I am still friends with most of them.  But there was a friend who helped me through it all as best as she could (although mostly my FI did everything) she is my MOH. 

I understand how going through a dark time in your life can lead to a unique bond between you and those who helped you and IMO this is something that should not be overlooked.  If friend A is really a friend who cares about you she will understand if she is not yout MOH.  If she really gets angry (like you stated she might) than I dont think she has your best interest at heart and doesnt deserve the MOH role.

horsegirl2000

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_maid-of-honor-question-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:5e4a7e24-65ee-47c3-b6d2-bf1365f1d34ePost:e209f106-08c0-4f7e-81aa-e949d3444ecc">Re: Maid of Honor Question</a>:
[QUOTE]How about just not having an MOH at all?  You could just tell them that you love them all too much to choose between them, and divvy the traditional MOH roles (standing next to you during the ceremony, holding the rings, signing the license, etc.) among them.  Seems like that would be the path of least drama.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

Well said!

bablingbrooke

Don't have a MOH.  That's what my BFF is doing--she's having three on her side and didn't want to choose between two of us for MOH, so we're all BMs.  No one's feelings were hurt.