Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?

eehendrix

I just found out one of my bridesmaids is pregnant and is due a week before my wedding. She obviously cannot be in the wedding, which is in May 2011. Since my wedding is over 6 months away, can I ask another friend (who knows the pregnant bridesmaid) to be in the wedding? I'm concerned she will be offended that she was an "afterthought", even though her personality is such that I doubt she would be offended.
My fiance has 4 groomsmen, and I (now) have 3 bridesmaids, and I would really like a fourth friend to stand up with me.
Suggestions???
Thank you,
Erin

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:d7f55440-f166-4d00-b7ac-3a6379fed64f">Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]I just found out one of my bridesmaids is pregnant and is due a week before my wedding. She obviously cannot be in the wedding, which is in May 2011. Since my wedding is over 6 months away, can I ask another friend (who knows the pregnant bridesmaid) to be in the wedding? I'm concerned <strong><u>she will be offended</u></strong> that she was an "afterthought", even though her personality is such that I doubt she would be offended. My fiance has 4 groomsmen, and I (now) have 3 bridesmaids, and I would really like a fourth friend to stand up with me. Suggestions??? Thank you, Erin
Posted by eehendrix[/QUOTE]

<div>Even if the current PG BM has drop out (I really hope you didn't approach her and kick her out because that would definitely be rude), you should NOT replace the PG BM (and it does NOT matter if the current PG BM said its alright, it is NOT). You need to let it go about having even sides, seriously symmetry is NOT more important then people and I'm sure even if PG BM said its alright I bet she will be hurt that you CHOSE to REPLACE her just for the sake of pictures. If you wanted this friend in the first place you should have asked. This is my suggestion for you, you can accept having uneven sides and deal with it or ask the girl and have possible two people be hurt because you think one person is replaceable and the other wasn't good enough to make the cut just because you wanted even sides. </div>

mm133123

Why do you need to replace her?  Its ok if the numbers are uneven.

eehendrix

Unfortunately, I know she can't make the wedding because she lives in CA and the wedding is in MN. I can't ask her to fly with a newborn, or 9 months pregnant. I would never put her or her baby in danger for my little wedding. I should have made myself clearer, and asked, is it ok to ask another friend to be in the wedding, not "replace" the PG BM.  Everyone I have spoke to (which is only 2 bridesmaids and my fiance) doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to ask another good girlfriend.
Thank you all for your advice, though.

mbcdefg

If the "replacement" girl wasn't good enough to be asked the first time around, then it's rude and unfair and insulting to ask her now that someone is dropping out. If it was really important to you to have this new girl in the wedding, you would've asked her from the getgo.

How exactly would you explain that to her? "I avoided asking you in the beginning because you didn't make the cut as one of my four closest friends. However, now that someone's pregnant and not coming, I need a fourth girl to even things out and you'll do. What do you say?"

deepcovejackie

Nope you can't replace her without seeming really rude.

JadziaDax

You don't need even sides but if you want to ask someone else, I don't see the big deal. Your friend isn't going to fly to your wedding that close to the due date, so you won't be insulting her. Your wedding is over 6 months away, so if you really want to ask someone else, I don't think it would be rude. Just don't tell the person that she is a "replacement bridesmaid", ask her nicely if she'd like to be in the wedding party.

banana468

Are you sure your pregnant friend said, "I'm so sorry but I'm pregnant and can't be there?"

Either way, I'd still list her as an honorary BM if she says that she can't be there.

As far as having even sides, I'd prefer to go with the uneven.  You can ask someone else but I'd make it clear that you're asking the person because you want her in there and not because you want even sides.  Think of it this way:  If the BM delivers a month early and is able to fly out for your wedding, would you want 5 BMs?  There's your answer.

mkrupar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:3ac9fade-4b7a-44cd-a25b-137afa27bdc2">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]You don't need even sides but if you want to ask someone else, I don't see the big deal. Your friend isn't going to fly to your wedding that close to the due date, so you won't be insulting her. Your wedding is over 6 months away, so if you really want to ask someone else, I don't think it would be rude. Just don't tell the person that she is a "replacement bridesmaid", ask her nicely if she'd like to be in the wedding party.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]

This is terrible advice. OP said that the "replacement" BM is friends with the prego Bm, therefore, she would know she was a fill in. Has the pregnant BM even told you she wasn't going to be in it or are you just assuming she's not?? If she hasn't said anything about dropping out then go about your plans as if she's going to be in the wedding. If she has the baby early, or doesn't she can make the decision closer to the wedding date if she's going to be in it or not.

It would be rude Jazz to replace her because she's just a fill in for even sides which is a terrible reason for asking someone to be a part of your wedding day. She's just a prop at that point for pictures.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:bcca19c8-c9f0-4b60-8ec8-928229057fa6">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately, I know she can't make the wedding because she lives in CA and the wedding is in MN. I can't ask her to fly with a newborn, or 9 months pregnant. I would never put her or her baby in danger for my little wedding. I should have made myself clearer, and asked, is it ok to ask another friend to be in the wedding, not "replace" the PG BM.  Everyone I have spoke to (which is only 2 bridesmaids and my fiance) doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to ask another good girlfriend. Thank you all for your advice, though.
Posted by eehendrix[/QUOTE]

No, you don't kick her out, and you don't ask someone else to fill in.  Chances are that, no, she won't be able to make your wedding, however, that is a decision that SHE should make, not you.  A lot of things can happen between now and then.  What happens if, heaven forbid, she has a miscarriage and you've replaced her?  Or, she could deliver a month early, and be willing and able to attend.  If it turns out that she cannot make the wedding, then you're down a BM.  Uneven sides are OK, and no one will notice.  Keep her name listed in the program as a BM, and, if you're feeling especially nice, send the bouquet to her at the hospital or her home to let her know that she's not forgotten.

Asking someone else is a slap in the face to both the friend that you're asking and the one that you're replacing.  Just don't do it.   

sister2groom

Even if you don't think of it as replacing a BM, everyone else will, and that's rude.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:bcca19c8-c9f0-4b60-8ec8-928229057fa6">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]Unfortunately, I know she can't make the wedding because she lives in CA and the wedding is in MN. I can't ask her to fly with a newborn, or 9 months pregnant. I would never put her or her baby in danger for my little wedding. I should have made myself clearer, and asked, is it ok to ask another friend to be in the wedding, not "replace" the PG BM.  Everyone I have spoke to (which is only 2 bridesmaids and my fiance) doesn't seem to think it's a big deal to ask another good girlfriend. Thank you all for your advice, though.
Posted by eehendrix[/QUOTE]

<div>It should NOT be your decision to kick her out, it should be your PG BM's decision. If she has not said anything then LEAVE IT ALONE. She can make the decision if she wants to drive out or fly out. Maybe in her mind she still thinks she can be in the wedding so why in the heck would you replace her. Seriously, you are asking to for trouble if you have this way of thinking. Also I'm sure your friends are agreeing because they have never been in the position of being kicked out of wedding and being replace. Again, people should never be replaced it's a slap in the face to the two people involved. But hey, if you don't want to listen to our advice that's your call but when you get all upset that the PG BM isn't talking to you anymore and the other is wondering in the back of her mind "why wasn't I picked earlier" you can remember that it was all worth it because your side was even. </div>

saisongbird

Seriously?  I call MUD.

jeanna85

Sides don't need to be even. Wedding party members are chosen because of their love and support for you and your fiance, they don't need to also provide symmetry.

bablingbrooke

Unless you want to look like a heartless bridezilla who cares more about the numbers of the WP than who is in it (which, by the way, is how it will look), don't replace her.  It's not fair to the pregnant BM and it's not fair to the replacement.  DH and I had uneven sides (3 GM and 4 BM), I assure you no one shook their heads in disgust or walked out in protest.  No one thought he looked like a loser for having one less person than I did.  I doubt anyone even noticed.

aerinpegadrak

Well, DH's brother couldn't attend the wedding (for much less legitimate reasons than your friend has), and he was still listed in the program as a groomsman and still received the gift he'd purchased.  We could have shifted my brother from my side to DH's side to balance the sides out, but we left things as is.  I wasn't aware that anyone commented on his absence or on the uneven sides.

kmabjo

No you cannot replace her. Do not be shallow. You do not need an even wedding party. The people you care for the most are supposed to share your day with you, why make someone stand up there you never wanted there to begin with?

trix1223

I first just have to ask:  did you read the green header at the top of the board at all?  You know the one that says:  Are uneven sides okay?  (Yes!)  Can I kick out a pregnant bridesmaid?  (No!)  The one that answers exactly what you're asking?

First, don't do anything about your pregnant friend, except rejoice with her!  And pray that all goes well.  As a pp said:  things can and do happen.  My DD lost a baby earlier this year.  I hope to heaven it doesn't happen to your friend. 

But why do you need to make a decision now?  Surely symmetry is not more important than friendship to you?  If your friend can't make it, you send her bouquet to her as a congratulations, mommy!! celebration.  And you have one lovely lady escorted by two handsome men.  If she can make it~fine.  You have symmetry.

You are literally worrying about a 20 second walk down the aisle, you know.  20 seconds.  I'm quite sure you can find something more meaningful to think about than a 20 second walk down the aisle for a couple of friends. 

mandi921vh

Is this for real? Why do brides-to-be think it's okay to replace a BM because she is pregnant and due close to the wedding?? 

muamanda18

I completely understand your thought process. Pregnant women are not allowed to fly that close to their due date. So everyone's responses about making sure she really can't come are not even applicable because any doctor with a brain will tell her she CANNOT fly.

I don't think you need even numbers, however, if you want to ask someone else than it's your wedding - do what you want.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:8b79fe09-245f-4ab1-8a49-0600bf7746a8">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely understand your thought process. Pregnant women are not allowed to fly that close to their due date. <strong>So everyone's responses about making sure she really can't come are not even applicable</strong> because any doctor with a brain will tell her she CANNOT fly. I don't think you need even numbers, however, if you want to ask someone else than it's your wedding - do what you want.
Posted by muamanda18[/QUOTE]

And babies are born early, and then she can make it.  And sadly, some women miscarry, and then she can make it.  So the responses are most certainly applicable. 

AutumnFair

trix pretty much summed it up nicely. 

Also OP can do what she wants but like I said I have read of too many Bride's kicking someone out and then wonder/cry that the person is upset/ignoring them. Seriously, if you want to take the chance of hurting a person's feelings over even number WP then try it, but personally I would never want to jeopardize a friendship over something so stupid and meaningless as the "look" of my WP. 

JadziaDax

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:8b79fe09-245f-4ab1-8a49-0600bf7746a8">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]I completely understand your thought process. Pregnant women are not allowed to fly that close to their due date. So everyone's responses about making sure she really can't come are not even applicable because any doctor with a brain will tell her she CANNOT fly. I don't think you need even numbers, however, if you want to ask someone else than it's your wedding - do what you want.
Posted by muamanda18[/QUOTE]

I was thinking this as well when I wrote my answer. And if the pregnant bridesmaid gave birth early, i'm sure the last thing she'd want to do is get on a plane (and possibly be away from her child to attend the wedding).

Yes, it is wrong to kick a pregnant bridesmaid out of a wedding party, but this is a different situation. Sometimes it seems that the same answers are being blurted out without taking into account the different situations regarding each question.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:a4af2344-b918-47ef-90ba-343afb552fa6">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Yes, it is wrong to kick a pregnant bridesmaid out of a wedding party, but this is a different situation.</strong> Sometimes it seems that the same answers are being blurted out without taking into account the different situations regarding each question.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]
Sorry, I disagree.  The reason the same answers are blurted out is because there are only two reasons to kick out a BM: 1) she tried to sleep with your FI, or 2) she's done something bad enough to warrant police involvement (assault, theft, etc.).  That's it.  The way to be a good friend in this situation is to still consider her a bridesmaid, list her in the program (either under the WP header or as an "honorary bridesmaid" if every person has a title), and leave the door open if the stars align and she's able to come.  If the pregnant friend wants to pull out of the wedding, it should be her decision, the bride shouldn't decide that for her.

My MOH wasn't sure she was going to be able to attend the wedding.  She's rather WIC-brainwashed, so she probably wouldn't have been horribly offended had I named someone else MOH in her stead.  But when I told her that she was still my MOH no matter where she was, she cried.  So yeah, she wouldn't have minded if I had done it, but it clearly meant a lot to her that I didn't want to.

tidetravel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:a4af2344-b918-47ef-90ba-343afb552fa6">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her? : I was thinking this as well when I wrote my answer. And if the pregnant bridesmaid gave birth early, i'm sure the last thing she'd want to do is get on a plane (and possibly be away from her child to attend the wedding). Yes, it is wrong to kick a pregnant bridesmaid out of a wedding party, but this is a different situation. Sometimes it seems that the same answers are being blurted out without taking into account the different situations regarding each question.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]
Sorry, the original advice still applies.  The fact is that it is still up to the mother whether or not she wants to travel.  Of course, if she's 9 months pregnant, she's not going to come, but that's not a decision for the bride to make for her.  And, people can and do travel with small babies.  It may not be something that you would do, but again, that's a decision for mom to make.  Either way, the bride would be completely wrong to tell her NOT to come because she's pregnant.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:a4af2344-b918-47ef-90ba-343afb552fa6">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her? : I was thinking this as well when I wrote my answer. And if the pregnant bridesmaid gave birth early, i'm sure the last thing she'd want to do is get on a plane (<strong>and possibly be away from her child to attend the wedding).</strong> Yes, it is wrong to kick a pregnant bridesmaid out of a wedding party, but this is a different situation. Sometimes it seems that the same answers are being blurted out without taking into account the different situations regarding each question.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]

Why would she have to be away from her child to attend the wedding?  Why couldn't she bring the baby?

bablingbrooke

Since when is it the bride's prerogative to tell other WP members what to do with their own lives?  I have never understood this and never heard of it before I came on TK.

Manwaithiel

Oh my, OP. What kind of response did you expect to your question. I mean, really? You're clearly just looking for validation here.

JadziaDax

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:3020085f-298a-4afa-860c-87aa761fafe9">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her? : Sorry, I disagree.  The reason the same answers are blurted out is because there are only two reasons to kick out a BM: 1) she tried to sleep with your FI, or 2) she's done something bad enough to warrant police involvement (assault, theft, etc.).  That's it.  The way to be a good friend in this situation is to still consider her a bridesmaid, list her in the program (either under the WP header or as an "honorary bridesmaid" if every person has a title), and leave the door open if the stars align and she's able to come.  If the pregnant friend wants to pull out of the wedding, it should be her decision, the bride shouldn't decide that for her. My MOH wasn't sure she was going to be able to attend the wedding.  She's rather WIC-brainwashed, so she probably wouldn't have been horribly offended had I named someone else MOH in her stead.  But when I told her that she was still my MOH no matter where she was, she cried.  So yeah, she wouldn't have minded if I had done it, but it clearly meant a lot to her that I didn't want to.
Posted by aerinpegadrak[/QUOTE]

That's a very sweet story. I also like the idea of listing the bridesmaid as an honorary bridesmaid if she is not able to attend.
Chances are, she will not be able to attend and there is nothing wrong with asking another friend to be a bridesmaid in the wedding party. If the friend is able to attend, then there will be one extra bridesmaid and that is ok as well. No one has to be "replaced" and the OP came back to the thread and said she shouldn't have used that word.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:7de786a4-365d-44a4-924a-ded22ead8b8c">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her? : That's a very sweet story. I also like the idea of listing the bridesmaid as an honorary bridesmaid if she is not able to attend. Chances are, she will not be able to attend <strong>and there is nothing wrong with asking another friend to be a bridesmaid in the wedding party</strong>. If the friend is able to attend, then there will be one extra bridesmaid and that is ok as well. No one has to be "replaced" and the OP came back to the thread and said she shouldn't have used that word.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]

Yes. There are a lot of things wrong with that. She shouldn't have used that word because now she's getting her butt handed to her. There is no good way to say, "I know I didn't ask you awhile ago, but I want you to be a bridesmaid." It won't take the friend long to realize that she's a stand in. I seriously doubt OP would have asked this girl if the bridesmaid wasn't pregnant.

AutumnFair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_pregnant-bridesmaid-due-1-wk-before-wedding-may-can-replace-her?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:62f268ea-c19c-4c4e-9167-41985576bb89Post:7de786a4-365d-44a4-924a-ded22ead8b8c">Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Pregnant bridesmaid due 1 wk before my wedding in May. Can I replace her? :  No one has to be "replaced" and the OP came back to the thread and said she shouldn't have used that word.
Posted by JadziaDax[/QUOTE]

<div>I really do not believe OP misusing the word "replaced". If she really wanted friend #2 to be a bridesmaid she should have asked, but she didn't and the ONLY reason she is doing it now is because she has an "opening". Plus in her response it is sounding that she is making the decision for her PG BM so its just another reason I'm not believing the whole "I didn't mean to say replace" but if she asks this girl to "fill in" for the PG BM that is exactly what she is doing. To me her actions are speaking more loudly than her words.</div>