HELP---> sister is a crappy BM (ranting a bit)

VM051190

Okay, so I have an 18 (almost 19) year old sister who is driving me crazy. I mean we fight, we're sisters after all, but she doesn't seem enthused about anything wedding related. I asked her to be a BM soon after my FI and I got engaged and she wasn't overly excited then. But I can't seem to be able to get her to liven up. She's being very difficult with everything, procrasinating, making BS excuses, and openly telling me she doesn't care if its my wedding or not. 

Take shoe shopping for instance. I took all of my BMs out shoe shopping so that they could pick out the shoe for the wedding. She came along, but after about 30 minutes asked my MOH to take her to a friends. Mind you, these past 30 minutes she hasn't stopped talking to said friend and has been very rude. So my MOH takes her to her friends house because she wouldn't shut up about it, end of instance. 

When we went dress shopping for the BMs she pouted the entire time and hated everything we tried on. When we got home she told me she didn't give a crap if it was my wedding, if she didn't like it then she wasn't wearing it and that maybe she shouldn't be a part of my WP. I find this highly offensive because I cut two of my good friends out of the WP in order to include her and my youngest sister (who is being wonderful) in the BP. I don't want to kick her out because of the tension it will bring, but she's stressing me out!!!!

P.S.

I'm thinking about making a "no phone rule" for all wedding party related activities because she never gets off the damn thing, but I don't want to punish my other BMs who haven't done anything. 

VM051190

In response to the "Cut" I meant when I was planning out who to ask. Sorry I wasn't clearer on that. It's been a long day. I'm just saying that I had some other choices, but I wanted my sisters involved, and now I'm sorta second guessing my decision with this sister. Honestly, my BM party is smaller than I wanted, but it's because of my budget. I can't really afford to have 10 people standing up next to me... even though that's what I wanted.... however, those other people are still helping and invoved with the wedding. I'm trying my best with a small budget. 

The shoe shopping was for fun. Ya I asked them to have red shoes, but its their choice on how they look. A few of the BMs wanted my opinion so we went out shoe shopping. 

And trust me, my sister and I hang out a lot outside of "wedding crap" BUT she is only bad when the "wedding crap" is going on. Which is why I'm frustrated.

Viczaesar

GooScale your expectations WAY back.

First of all, if you're requiring your bridesmaids buy and wear specific shoes, you should be paying for them. Since the dress is coming out of her budget and going to be on her body, you need to listen to her (and all your ladies) when they voice any concerns.  If she's not comfortable in the dress (and again, this goes for all of them), she's not going to be happy and comfortable on your wedding day.  Is that what you want?

There doesn't need to be any BM get togethers, let alone any more of them.  The only thing ANY of your bridesmaids are required to do is show up to the wedding in the selected attire - selected with their comfort and budget in mind.  Anything else is just gravy.  If you scale your expectations back to these reasonable dimensions you'll be a lot less frustrated, less angry, and less likely to screw up a relationship.

She doesn't need to be excited about your wedding.  A wedding is a party.  Owning a vagina does not make anyone a wedding planning squeeeeeee!!!!! person.  It's perfectly fine if she's just happy about the fact that you're happy and marrying the person you love.  She doesn't have to be over the moon or eager to help you stuff envelopes or tie ribbons or go to bridal shows.  If she's not interested or doesn't have time to do those things, that's fine - it's your wedding, not hers.

Really, a phone ban?  They're not children, and you're not their boss.  Don't treat your friends or your sister like that.

melntaitt

This seems to be a reoccruing theme with families lately; two of my friends and one of my sisters is getting married this year, My one friend's FSIL has been just not showing up at any of the appointments or shopping trips, etc. so I'll just tell you the same thing I told her.

I know that these trips are super important to you but to her, it's just another thing taking up her time and she may just not be interested in those outings. Give her a timeframe to make her purchases and the details if necessary, but other than that, don't force her participation or it may make you both resentful.

Also, continue to invite her, but don't be upset if she declines; if she does come but seems whiny, focus on the good parts of the outings and ingore her - she's not required to have a good time and you're not required to show her a good time on a shopping trip.

It seems like these have been a good bonding trip for you and your friends; don't let anything ruin that.

zitiqueen

You mean to tell me that your 18-year-old sister is acting like... every other 18-year-old on the planet who thinks the world revolves around them? The horror!

VM051190

"Since the dress is coming out of her budget and going to be on her body, you need to listen to her"

My sister isn't paying for anything, my mom is paying for EVERYTHING for her, my youngest sister and another BM. The only one paying for everything is my MOH and she has pretty much told me that because we got a super sweet deal on the dress ($50) she doesn't mind buying the shoes. They all love the dress, from what they have told me at least.... and I'm letting them pick out whatever shoe they want, as long as its red. Since they are all girly and like dressing up I figured its a decent color that they could wear out again, especially because its a style they chose. 

I'm personally in a wedding where I am required to buy a specific style/color of shoes. Around here it's kinda the norm. 

Also, none of the BM's have been forced to get together. I've asked if they would like to come along when I do things, but nothing has been outright demanding of their time other than BM dress shopping. 

Anyway, Thank you guys for all the input  

MrsKigerToBe

My sister is a BM too and also 18. I invited the 4 person wedding party to the shop and said if they wanted to choose the dresses they could come (it didn't conflict with work for any of them). I basically let my sister choose her own dress. She is my sister and has enough trouble being 18 and having body image issues. I just said if it was short it had to be blue (the long dresses my other BMs are wearing are purple) and I would just have the girls stand every other girl (my moh would wear the same dress as my sister in that scenario) She found a short dress that looked lovely on her and trust me is much happier than if I just forced her into a dress. It turns out my MOH is pregnant now so she will probably be in her own short blue dress anyway (assuming the doctor confirms her preg). Life happens anyway so don't get too stressed about 18 year old sister drama and try to give them some flexibility. 18 is not an easy year. 

lbaydal

I think that your sister is extremely selfish and I don't think that you are acting crazy at all.  It doesnt seem like you are making them so anything outlandish.  I ran into this problem with my MOH (similiar- kinda)  And i just realized that this may be the happiest day in my life, but it isnt goin to be the happiest day in theirs.  I keep everything minimal dont ask the girls to do anything and do it all my self.  You are much better off this way.  It stinks, but it's worse than fighting on top of all your other stress.  Maybe have your mom step in and let your sis know she is hurting your feelings.  Good luck!

kraeuter2b

That sounds awful!  I'm sure you've tried this, but I would consider maybe pulling her to the side and asking why she is asking this way? Is she mad at you for something? Is she jealous that you're getting so much attention? Is she just plain bored?  Find out what her deal is?  Or maybe talk to your mother about it and see if she can maybe talk your sister into playing nice?

The fact is, it's your day and your event and you don't seem like you're forcing her to be there.  If she doesn't wanna go just let her know that it's ok if she doesn't tag along for all the BP events and get togethers, but that she is invited and you would like for her to be there.  If she decides not to come just let her know what she needs to get and be done with it.

Simple advice I suppose, but I totally feel your pain.  I just made a post about my MOH wanting to bring her husband to EVERYTHING!!!! It's so annoying and I don't want to "uninvite" her to things, but its like THIS IS MY DAY AND I WANT IT TO BE GIRL TIME!!!!  But I also don't want to look like the bad guy and I'm sure you don't either.  You just have to play nice (which sucks, because the bride should be catered to, not vice versa).

kraeuter2b

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-crappy-bm-ranting-bit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:67541501-deac-44f3-a297-fa68895efbb3Post:8f080fb8-86f2-48aa-a984-b8f1d078d8c6">Re: HELP---> sister is a crappy BM (ranting a bit)</a>:
[QUOTE]As soon as anyopne starts talking about "MY DAY!" in all caps there's trouble.  It'n not "your" day.  You and your FI are having a wedding, not just you.  Also, when you involve others, it stops being just "your" day.
Posted by 1covejack[/QUOTE]

Nice reading comprehension FAIL.  I wasn't talking about the wedding.  I was talking about the day that I go shopping for MY dress.  So yes, it is MY day.  And it is the same with any other bride.

HuckSC

If it is "YOUR DAY" then the only person that should be required to go is YOU. Some girls love watching their friends try on their wedding dress and show it off. Others hate it with a passion. Once people realize this and stop acting like a class above the their friends when organizing "wedding activities", those friends might want to spend time with you. 

kraeuter2b

There is no REQUIREMENT for her to go. It's that she WANTED to be included, but won't do anything without her man.

So hypothetically speaking, you and your wedding party plan a girls trip to Vegas for your bachelorette party (aka YOUR DAY/NIGHT).  Then right before, your MOH said that she wanted to bring her kids along for the trip because she doesn't want to leave them out.  Would you be ok with this? NO! And it's the same with wedding dress shopping. 

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-crappy-bm-ranting-bit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:67541501-deac-44f3-a297-fa68895efbb3Post:b1ca40b0-8c6a-4e77-bbba-ef59a52af46b">Re: HELP---> sister is a crappy BM (ranting a bit)</a>:
[QUOTE]"Since the dress is coming out of her budget and going to be on her body, you need to listen to her" My sister isn't paying for anything, my mom is paying for EVERYTHING for her, my youngest sister and another BM.
Posted by VM051190[/QUOTE]
How awesome for your sister!  That still doesn't mean you get to play dress up with her body.  She's the one wearing it, she gets input.

Viczaesar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_sister-crappy-bm-ranting-bit?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:67541501-deac-44f3-a297-fa68895efbb3Post:562cf129-068c-465d-92a3-57676a9fc685">Re: HELP---> sister is a crappy BM (ranting a bit)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: HELP--- /> sister is a crappy BM (ranting a bit) : Nice reading comprehension FAIL.  I wasn't talking about the wedding.  I was talking about the day that I go shopping for MY dress.  So yes, it is MY day.  And it is the same with any other bride.
Posted by kraeuter2b[/QUOTE]
You get 1 day, and that's the day of your wedding.  And you have to share it with your FI.  <strong>You do not get any other day.  </strong>

graysquirrel

I also say let it go. Tell your sister what she needs and then do wedding stuff with the people who are interested. Just because she is a BM doesn't mean that she has to be involved in the process or excited about anything leading up to the big day. Her job is to show up in her dress and to smile for pictures. I understand that you want it to be a time to bond with her, but teenagers are selfsih and maybe she just isn't into weddings. I would continue to try to be a friend to your sister and do stuff with her that isn't any way related to your wedding. Maybe she will come around yet.