MOH stepping out of wedding...

Stefanie2106

I just received an email from my MOH saying she is stepping out of the wedding due to not knowing how her future will be between now and wedding (6 1/2 months). She's a grad student in social work and is interning 2 hours away. Due to the lack of funding in social work and teaching in our area, she has no idea if she'll have a job when she graduates or if she does have a job, she doesn't know where she will be located. She offered to still help plan things and attend the bachlorette party, bridal shower and recep. We are having a destination wedding and I do understand where she is coming from and her worries. I just don't know what to do now. I haven't responded to her yet because I want to make sure I say the right things to her.

Any advice on what to do?

MyNameIsNot

I would respond and let her know that you're sorry to hear that, and that the position will always be open for her if things change and she feels like she can do it.  

lalap69

If you can swing it in your budget, you may want to offer to pay for her to be in the wedding.  If she declines, all you can do is graciously accept.

If you can't swing that,that's understandable.  You can tell her that you're disappointed and that you understand.  You could also let her know that if she changes her mind, she can wear whatever and stand up with you.

Whatever you do, DON'T REPLACE HER.

I'm sorry.

CTGirl30

I would let her know I was sorry to hear that but understood her position since it sounds like alot of things are up in the air for her right now with job & finances / potential relocation, etc. Perhaps you'd be willing to play this one by ear? As in, you two can see how things pan out in the next few month and if you can swing it with your budget, offer that you could help pay her ticket to the DW if it comes down to being a financial issue at that point in time? If not, don't feel that you have to try and do that, of course - but if it's a potential option you could always through that out there to her...It would be really nice of you to still list her in the program as your MOH even if she cannot be there on the actual wedding day since she is one of your closest friends. 

And yes, definately do not replace her (not that you were considering doing such - just sayin').

mbcdefg

I would take a couple days to let this sink in, then call her and say that you totally understand but you will miss having her there with you.

If you are so inclined, you could say something like, "I would really love it if you could be there, if at all possible. Is there any way that I could help you out?" (money, plane ticket, accommodations, letting her wear any dress she wants, whatever).

Stefanie2106

You all have really good thoughts! I would love to help her with finances if need be! I will totally try and find a way to fit her in our budget!
We've looked at dresses, but the girls haven't ordered yet. The dress they picked out is only $80 and they looked at the little bolero jacket to wear with the dress. My girls don't know this, but I told the sales lady that I would like to buy the jackets for the girls, so I am already trying to help on their costs.
We will be driving to our wedding- it's not destination as in going tropical or anything. It's just about 10 hours away and I had planned on driving the girls up in my car, which would save them from buying gas and stuff for the trip.

I do have one other question, and please don't take it the wrong way....but why do I not replace her? I don't have anyone to replace her with. It will be an uneven number af attendents, but the little I've thought about it as of right now...that shouldn't be a problem and I could see if she would still be in the moh role at the reception. Would that be something to ask her and just still have her be MOH, just not be at the ceremony if she can't make it?

Thanks ladies!!

emilyinchile

Everyone has given you great advice, and I agree with what they've said about current MOH feeling replaceable/potential MOH feeling (and being) second rate.

To me it comes down to the idea that MOH=your closest friend. Just because she can't make an event, she doesn't stop being your closest friend, so even if she can't make the wedding, she is still your MOH in name. Of course you would need someone to do things like sign the license, hold your bouquet, straighten your train, etc, but you don't have to give anyone else the MOH title for them to be able to do that.

DanielleD7782

You will need to ask another BM to step up for some additional duties. Someone will need to sign your marriage license and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. You wouldn't necessarily need to give them the title "MOH" though. Also, theres nothing wrong with having uneven sides or even having two MOHs.

I had a BM drop out and am not replacing her. Luckily its not my MOH though....sorry about this. I know how disappointing it is to have this happen.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_moh-stepping-out-of-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:677aca58-1b77-41bf-ba12-64ea77f4ff0ePost:02a40c97-2af9-4841-b8a7-c7f00ff0e2ce">Re: MOH stepping out of wedding...</a>:
[QUOTE]You will need to ask another BM to step up for some additional duties. Someone will need to sign your marriage license and hold your bouquet during the ceremony. You wouldn't necessarily need to give them the title "MOH" though. Also, theres nothing wrong with having uneven sides or even having two MOHs. I had a BM drop out and am not replacing her. Luckily its not my MOH though....sorry about this. I know how disappointing it is to have this happen.
Posted by DanielleD7782[/QUOTE]
Any adult who witnessed the ceremony can sign the marriage license; it doesn't have to be MOH.  The person standing nearest the bride can take the bouquet.  There needn't be a replacement for any of that.

AutumnFair

I agree with brooke. Even though I was MOH for one of my best friend's wedding. I did not sign their license, according to Catholic religion a Catholic has to sign the license (or maybe it was practice for that church). The flowers will just be given to the next BM in line. 

Stefanie2106

Thank you so much ladies for all the advice!

I am definitly going to think about it for a couple of days so I can make the right decison and find the right way to talk to her about thing. Right now I'm really liking the idea of leaving it open that way if she can make it back, her spot is there. And I'd like to play things by ear and see how her future ends up, maybe things will work out. Would it be alright to ask the moh if she'd still like to be involved as much as she can and still hold the title? Would it be inapproriate to talk to her and ask her if there is anyway possible that she could make it? If I was able to pay for her, should I offer to pay for things (dress, hotel, etc)? I really want her to be there with us!

There is one other bm, and she could sign the license or even someone in the family. We are having a reception at home the following weekend, and the moh could fulfull her duties then.

bablingbrooke

Just say "I understand, just let me know if things change, the door is always open for you."  I think she should get to keep the title.

FYI: There are no "reception" duties--BMs are off the hook after the ceremony and are just wedding guests after that.  So I don't know what you envision her doing.  If she's coming to the AHR and keeps the title, she'll act accordingly.  But people are less willing to go above and beyond if it's "assigned" to them, even if it'st he same thing.  Know what I mean?