Would this be really rude?? BP gifts...kinda long

justthegrlss

I have 4 BMs...3 of which are girls that I chose and 1 is my FI's sister who he asked to stand up with us(we didn't do groomsladies and bridesmen, my brother is on his side too).  I am having a really hard time dealing with his sister though....my sister is MOH and is planning my shower and his sister has been incredibly rude to my sister about the planning process(timelines, food planned, etc.), she even sent my mother a rude email about how my sister is screwing things up for the shower(and yes I had to read it)....I had to pay a $50 rush fee for her BM dress to come in on time because she wouldn't come with the rest of us as a group to order and kept delaying ordering her dress even though I gave her like a 2 month notice...I am DIY-ing a lot of things and have had a few "DIY" parties for the BMs to help make things like invites, etc. and I don't know I feel like she really doesn't want to be a part of all of this. Shes always too busy... She already said she probably won't make it to my shower because it is on a Saturday and she will have to work even though my sister gave her a 9 week notice.. and shes not coming to my bachelorette party either(I don't know the reason) There are other things that I could go on about, but I will spare you the details.
anyway, so I am obviously not going to kick her out or anything but I am really not happy with the way she has seemed to create a lot of unnecessary drama that wouldn't otherwise be there. For the BM gifts, I am buying each girl a clutch that matches their dresses with some things inside, like they each will get a personalized compact mirror, and some other little things like burts bees lip gloss, miniature hand lotion, tic tacs, etc, for stuff that they can use on the day.  But I also eally wanted to get something for each of them that is a little more personal, just as an extra "Thank You" for helping out so much.  Would it be incredibly rude for me to give each girl their "personal" gift in private and the clutches at the Rehearsal dinner as a group and just not give FI's sister a personal gift?  I think it sounds rude personally but I really don't have any reason to be giving her an extra Thank You, when all she has really done has been create more stress for me and my MOH....I don't know...what do you think?

SarahPLiz

It sounds like she is well aware you only asked her out of obligation, and she only accepted out of obligation. This is not a good way to start a relationship with someone you will be related to for the rest of your life.

I'm going to leave out the whole part where she doesn't want to take off work for your shower or help with your DIY. That stuff is not required.

However, I would encourage you to do something personal for her as well. YOu should be the bigger person and start forging that relationship, instead of perpetuating the apathy. If she finds out hte other BMs got another gift and she was left out, this will only make her NOT like you, while right now she is just uninterested.

justthegrlss

Actually I did not ask her out of obligation.  She and I had a really good relationship before FI and I got engaged. We actually hung out a few times outside of FI's family things. She may have accepted out of obligation....that I am not sure about. FI asked if she could be with us and I thought it was a good idea, so really I was not obliged, I wanted her to be in it. 
I guess you are right though, I will get her something if I get the other girls something more personal. I don't want to cause problems or be rude,  it was just supposed to be an extra thank you to all those that helped so much and since the only thing she did was order a dress, then I didn't really see an extra anything warranted. Or maybe I just won't get anything extra for anyone in order to stay fair. 

bablingbrooke

Yes, it would be rude to give everyone but her a personal gift at the wedding or RD.  This is not the time to be passive-aggressive.

If you want to do something nice for the people who went above and beyond to help you, by all means take them out for a thank-you dinner, or get them an additional gift, or something else to show your appreciation.  Just do so after the wedding.

banana468

DItto the other ladies.

Also, i think the idea of the clutch is nice but if it's something that they won't use again after the wedding, I'd scrap the idea for something that they may.

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_would-this-really-rude-bp-giftskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:67f3d505-ddda-4a8f-b27c-ed1df062e0dbPost:4edf04e1-f02d-41aa-b6f5-7bff9d72a8b3">Would this be really rude?? BP gifts...kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]I am DIY-ing a lot of things and have had a few "DIY" parties for the BMs to help make things like invites, etc. and I don't know I feel like she really doesn't want to be a part of all of this. Shes always too busy... She already said she probably won't make it to my shower because it is on a Saturday and she will have to work even though my sister gave her a 9 week notice.. and shes not coming to my bachelorette party either(I don't know the reason) There are other things that I could go on about, but I will spare you the details. anyway, so I am obviously not going to kick her out or anything but I am really not happy with the way she has seemed to create a lot of unnecessary drama that wouldn't otherwise be there.
Posted by justthegrlss[/QUOTE]

This has nothing to do with anything. These things are not obligations, and if she doesn't feel like it that's fine.

That said, if what you mean is not that you want to give her less because she was a "bad" BM but rather that you want to give more to the people who've gone above and beyond (who happen to be your BMs), that's fine. As previously suggested, I think doing something after the wedding might be a better bet. You also don't have to do one thing with/for the other 3 BMs. Pick up dinner the next time you see one, buy another tickets to a concert, etc. That would make it more like "I'm thanking you as an individual for your help" and less "here is an additional BM gift that FSIL doesn't get" in my mind.

justthegrlss

First of all....the clutch thing is something every one of them said they wanted and would use again...so thats what I am getting them as their BM gift.  and I wasn't giving them an extra gift so I could NOT give her something.  I was going to get them all something in addition as a sincere sign of appreciation for everything they have done for me to help out with the wedding. I was trying to be generous to those that have helped.I guess I figured that was the role of a BM because in the past thats always what I have been expected to do as a BM.
I guess I don't know what the role of a BM is because I thought that they were supposed to help with the BM dress shopping, help plan the shower and help address invites and such and that is why you give them a gift...to thank them. And honestly thats all I was trying to do...give an extra thank you. So I guess I will forgo that idea.Thanks for all your input!

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_would-this-really-rude-bp-giftskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:67f3d505-ddda-4a8f-b27c-ed1df062e0dbPost:9da19d3c-2977-4a8c-99bc-037d600ea652">Re: Would this be really rude?? BP gifts...kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE] I guess I don't know what the role of a BM is because I thought that they were supposed to help with the BM dress shopping, help plan the shower and help address invites and such and that is why you give them a gift...to thank them. And honestly thats all I was trying to do...give an extra thank you. 
Posted by justthegrlss[/QUOTE]

<div>That's not what a BM is.  A BM is a dear friend who you honor by asking her to stand up with you during your wedding.  The wedding industry has seriously warped people into thinking that they are actually indentured servants.</div><div>
</div><div>And EVERYONE said give an extra gift...just not at the wedding.  So I don't know why you're suddenly getting all huffy and saying you'll just forego it.</div>

justthegrlss

Well I was never going to give an extra gift at the wedding, thats why I said in the first post I would give it in private. I would never even think something like that would be ok. And  I am not being huffy...I just don't want to cause any problems with FI's sister and I am afraid that it would. Regardless of when I would give anyone anything additional, I think it would hurt feelings.  Honestly I didn't know what the role of a BM was.  Every wedding I have ever been in, I have been expected to do things, so I honestly didn't know.  Thats all. I do appreciate everyone's input, thats why I posed the question to begin with.

emilyinchile

It's tradition that BMs often do throw you a shower and/or bach party, and many will offer to help with other things because they're your friends. And friends, regardless of some title like "bridesmaid", often volunteer to help you. But after addressing all of my own invitations, you can be I won't be signing up to address someone else's any time soon!

The only requirement is to buy the dress and show up. I personally would feel hurt if that was literally the only thing my BMs did - although since I live thousands of miles away from 3 of them, they haven't actually DONE anything material, just been friends and been excited for me - but as a bride you can't demand anything more.

trix1223

It just sounds so 6th grade to me, to be honest.  Get your WP their gifts. While they don't have to get identical gifts (and shouldn't), they should be fairly equal in meaning to the recipient.

 If you want to do something more,  take your friends out to dinner/theater/concert/sporting event/drinks/movies...your treat,  after you get back from your HM.

justthegrlss

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_would-this-really-rude-bp-giftskinda-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:67f3d505-ddda-4a8f-b27c-ed1df062e0dbPost:bd3d4584-c7d1-4105-b60e-46610a89a5e4">Re: Would this be really rude?? BP gifts...kinda long</a>:
[QUOTE]It's tradition that BMs often do throw you a shower and/or bach party, and many will offer to help with other things because they're your friends. And friends, regardless of some title like "bridesmaid", often volunteer to help you. But after addressing all of my own invitations, you can be I won't be signing up to address someone else's any time soon! The only requirement is to buy the dress and show up. I personally would feel hurt if that was literally the only thing my BMs did - although since I live thousands of miles away from 3 of them, they haven't actually DONE anything material, just been friends and been excited for me - but as a bride you can't demand anything more.
Posted by emilyinchile[/QUOTE]

Ok..well thanks for clearing that up.  I really did think there were responsibilities. I have been a BM in 8 weddings and have done a lot and maybe in a way I am just a little hurt that she doesn't want to do more than buy the dress and show up.  And, yes, I have had friends too that are helping me with things that are not in the BP.  But thanks again to all that replied, sorry if I sounded huffy or anything else, I really just wanted an honest answer because I thought it could be a somewhat delicate situation that I didn't want to make a mess out of.

mandybear7

If you don't want to give her an extra gift, maybe your FI can give her a gift? It sounds like she is just in the WP to support you two in the wedding, not necessarily because she's close with you. I'm sure she would appreciate something from her brother.

blewis381

I am having issues with one of my bridesmaids as well and have actually thought about doing this as well.  I wanted to get my other 3 bridesmaids something special just to say thank you fo sticking up for me to the bridesmaid I am having issues with and also not causing any issues.  I like you was up in the air about this.