Wedding Party
Options

One sister and not the other

Okay, so I'm the groom and I've realized most of the posts on here are from the women.  But this is something my FW and I need some help with.  I didn't know where to post this, so it's on 2 boards. If I screw up any lingo, my bad.  Warning, this is a bit long.

My FW is debating members of the BP and has narrowed it down to 5.  Which I'm completely okay with.  However there seems to be one issue.  I have 2 younger sisters, she's planning on asking one but not the other.  Again, something I'm okay with her doing.  However, my mother got wind of this and has been putting in her input regarding the situation.

The reason only one sister was asked, was because my FW and I don't actually have a relationship with the other.  My FW jokes that even if it wasn't me, my youngest sister would still be in her wedding.  They have become very close over the years.  However, there is no relationship with my other sister.  This being mainly because her treating my FW in a rather rude manner since we began dating.  This behavior has only improved in the past few months.

My mother has never noticed this as a problem (the joke is that she is the perfect child that does no wrong) and continually asks my FW about including her in the wedding party due to tradition.  We've already attempted to address this issue by stating that neither of us have a relationship with her and that we're choosing individuals important to us, but my mother doesn't seem to hear this and continues to ask.

The frustration has escalated to the point of my FW debating between adding her in order to get my mother to stop addressing the issue. To not including either sister, in order to have all of those up there being people who have supported us in our relationship.

My question is, what is okay?  What's the best route?  This is taking a lot of fun out of the planning, due to it constantly being addressed by someone who sees no fault in their actions.  Please help, I need to calm my FW!

Re: One sister and not the other

  • Options
    I think if she's going to have one sister and not the other it's going to cause some bad blood in the family before you're ever married. Normally we would say pick the people closest to you, but if you're talking about family and it's going to cause issues it's best to err on the safe side and include her because it's the politically correct thing to do. Think about how your sister will feel when she finds out that she's not included. That's probably going to hurt. I also think this could be a nice way for your FW to say "Hey, I know we haven't always gotten along, but I'd like to build a relationship with you since you are going to be my sister-in-law". And your FW can include all her girls and your sister, it's okay to have uneven sides.

    And you could also include the other sister on your side of the aisle. It's common to have mixed side these days as well.
    image
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • Options
    Ditto Matilda.  While I understand what she may be reluctant to choose one sister and not the other, the fact is that both women are going to be her family for a long, long time.  Both women are going to be the aunts of your children.  Both women are going to be at Thanksgiving and Christmas family gatherings.

    And very, very public slights like these live on for a long, long time.  Personally, I think it would be a big mistake to not include her.

     I think you'd find yourself regretting NOT asking her for years.  But I don't think you WILL regret for years asking her.
    "Trix, it's what they/our parents wanted. Why so judgemental? And why is your wedding date over a year and a half ago? And why do you not have a groom's name? And why have you posted over 12,000 posts? And why do you always say mean things to brides?" palegirl146
  • Options
    Either have FW include them both, or put sis on your side.  It's better to accommodate than to have bad blood after the wedding.
    image

    Books read in 2012: 21/50

    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers

  • Options
    They can both stand on your FI's side, both stand on your side, the one close to your FI can stand on your FI's side and the other on your side, or don't ask either of them to be in the WP.  In terms of friends, have whoever you'd like, but when it comes to siblings it's much messier.  You don't want your wedding to cause bad blood between you and your siblings for years to come.
  • Options

    I'm so torn with these types of questions b/c it really bothers me when Mothers (of either bride or groom) start butting in and pressuring either person to include siblings or other family members that the couple doesn't want to include. In this case, you're not even close with your sister and neither is your soon to be wife.

    I think you need to weigh the pros and cons of including her - take your mother's needling out of the equation here and think about the ramifications of asking one sister but not the other and how it would affect your relationship down the road in 5 years time. Is she even interested in being part of the WP? Or could she care less?  Do you think she'd be hurt and feel resentful of your decision if you didn't include her down the line?
    Honestly, it sounds like if she's been improving her attitude toward your FI since you've been engaged, that's a good sign and it sounds like she may be coming around. She's going to be your wife for a long time and your sisters will always be your sisters. I think you're going to have choose carefully on this one but it really might not be doing any favors to exclude her and risk resentment and hurt feelings down the line.

    As for as your mother's constant meddling, I think you also need to stand up to her, though, and tell her the decision (whatever it ends up being)  is up tp you and your soon to be wife and don't let her cause more anxiety for your FI. If she continues to press the issue - leave. Hang up the phone. Change the subject. Otherwise you're setting the stage for her to feel like it's her place to insert her opinions in your marriage as she sees fit. Boundaries are also a good thing.

    The Bump ate my signature. DD - Apr 2011 DS - expected June 2013
  • Options
    Good pont, CT.  If the other sister wouldn't care about not being in the wedding, I think it would be okay to not have her in it.  But more often than not, sisters do care whether they're in the wedding.
  • Options
    I think it's playing with fire to not ask her.  By not asking her you guys are giving her a reason to hate you.  Handing it to her on a silver platter.  If you just ask her and expect nothing more from her than to buy the dress and show up, you not only will be preventing yourself from being disappointed, you will be saving yourself potentially years of "Well, why should we expect you to visit?  You didn't even ask your own sister to be in your wedding!" comments.

    My sister and I really disliked each other and still are not close.  I still asked her to be in the wedding (MOH, because in our family sisters are nothing less) and I don't regret it.  She was rude, she was bratty, she was unhelpful, she was uninterested, yet I am still so glad I asked her.  Not only did it buy me some family peace and make me the bigger person, I'm actually glad she was involved.  She's my sister and will always be my sister.  She was going to be at the wedding, at all the pre-wedding events, and in all the photos anyway.  It was not that much different to ask her to buy the dress and stand up during the ceremony.  
    Courtesy of megk8oz
    image
    "I think bablingbrooke is the 13 yr old marring her cousin at the town hall. Lets all give her a big hand. And hope her inbred children can live normal lives." -tabs.

    A word of warning from your friends at Cracked.com: Remember that text is going to be how you make your first impression over the internet; if every third word you type is misspelled, people will automatically assume that you're a moron.
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_one-sister-not-other?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:6920505a-707b-42c6-9114-a1b3f516afe5Post:501dd9c6-1f5b-4b6f-a9ea-f0d97ce4be86">Re: One sister and not the other</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think if she's going to have one sister and not the other it's going to cause some bad blood in the family before you're ever married. Normally we would say pick the people closest to you, but if you're talking about family and it's going to cause issues it's best to err on the safe side and include her because it's the politically correct thing to do. Think about how your sister will feel when she finds out that she's not included. That's probably going to hurt. I also think this could be a nice way for your FW to say <strong>"Hey, I know we haven't always gotten along, but I'd like to build a relationship with you since you are going to be my sister-in-law"</strong>. And your FW can include all her girls and your sister, it's okay to have uneven sides. And you could also include the other sister on your side of the aisle. It's common to have mixed side these days as well.
    Posted by waltzingmatilda13[/QUOTE]

    I don't like this. It's not a very successful way to build a relationship. And I don't think they should enter the situation with that expectation. If it happens that way, then it would be very nice, indeed.

    I think this is an icky situation. CT mentioned boundaries with your mother, which I agree to wholeheartedly. She needs to stay out of it. The issue is between you, your FW, and your sister. I had to have this conversation with my own mother. She keeps trying to repair the relationship between my brother and I (which is pretty strained) and her idea of that was to make him FI's GM. I finally had to say "This is not your relationship. I'm 21, he's almost 20. We're not 5 year olds fighting over the crayons anymore. When we're BOTH ready to fix our issues, then we will fix them. Your input is not helping." And she has dropped it. My brother is an usher (not a GM like my mother was insisting upon) for the exact same reasons your listing here.

    I would recommend she stand on your side. Your FW has no relationship with her at all, but you are brother and sister so you have more of one than your FW does. You can just say "We wanted both of you up there and we wanted to put you guys on both sides, etc." If she refuses...then fine. That's totally on her.

    But try to keep your mom out of this one. It's not her issue to address, though she might think it is, and if you nip that in the bud, you're not going to have to fight it later on in your actual marriage.
    Daisypath Anniversary tickers

    Hawaii with my best friend =)
    Photobucket
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards